Josh is Trashy [Do You Love It?]

I'm not dead, I'm just floating.

2011-02-19T16:50:00.006-05:00

No need to worry any longer dear non-existent readerz. I ain't dead yet. And I do apologize for the lack of posting recently. A combination of heavy working, apartment-hunting & life-living has led me to have very little time to commit to quality posting.

I will be turning 25 in a week [feat. 1 day], which means my life is a quarter over more or less. It meanz that I am getting older & that I am at a huge turning point in mah st00pid little vida. Wiffin the next few months, I will be completely uprooting my azz and finally taking the terrifying freefall dive that is known as moving to Nueva York.

I am exxxtremely nervous, but realize this is what I have to do for mah jerb, love life & overall happiness. It's gon' be a crazzzy learning exxxperience & I for supa serial hope y'all will kiss me & smile for me & tell me that you'll wait for me while I try to get mah shiz together. Josh Is Trashy isn't being buried just yet, but it is gonna have to take a backseat while I sort out all that is unsorted in my life.

Keep checking back once y awhile. I'll still be here. Stay sa$$y. Mwuahz!

10 Tips to Get You a Valentine

2011-02-13T11:23:00.006-05:00

Valentine's Day is tomorrow. This means anyone that actively uses the Interwebz for any social networking will be divided up into tres categories: 1) Peepz in relationshitz that post about their LuRrRrVeD one like anyone gives a shhh...; 2) Single peepz who incessantly whine about being alone and proclaiming that they don't care about Valentine's Day when they so obviously do; 3) Peepz like me who roll their eyez @ both groups and thinks the fact that peepz get so exxxcited about such a fake holiday is irritating.

But I totally get the V-Day bluez. It sucks having happy couples fart their love stench all up into the meloncholy noses of the singlez. And since I am a relationshit ~~victim~~ exxxpert, I thought I'd share some quick pointerz on how to find a lova & how to keep them ensnared in your clutchez.

1. Always use social networking sitez to find your significant otherz. I found mah boyfriend of 3 yearz on MySpace. Sure, they might become a huge prick after a year and you won't have a romantic and cute story to share of how you met, but it's easy!

2. On a first date dinner outing, always make sure you inundate the conversation with your highly formed opinions on music, books, movies, ego, art, opinion & commerce!

3. In conjunction with #2, get up & walk out of the restaurant if your date says something blatantly false about pop culture [IE: that "Baby One More Time" was Britney Spears' first single or that Lady Gaga has had more than 2 #1 singlez].

4. Be insecure wiff how you look & constantly seek validation from your significant other. Make sure to ask them no less than 3 timez a day if they find you attractive and never believe them.

5. Become inexplicably inpatient & mean when your significant other doesn't immediately respond to your pointless texxxt messages.

6. Never actually talk to your lurrrved one about how you feel. Instead, just quote song lyrix you know they don't know. Then when they say they don't know the song, get furious with them.

7. Always think they are cheating on you...even if they spend 99% of their time wiff you. Cuz you know, that 1% of the time is probably spent sleeping wiff yo best friend/mom/dad/sibling/not you.

8. When watching a movie together @ home that your boifriend/grrrlfriend wants to watch that you are uninterested in, fall asleep wiffin the first 2 minutez.

9. If your significant other does sumfing that annoys you, don't look it over (no matter how small). Call them out, start a huge fight, cry and then blame them for starting the argument.

10. Finally, probe non-stop into their sexxxual history and force them to tell you every minute detail about every person they've bounced bits with. When meeting a friend of theirs, alwayz assume they've been inside them and don't believe it when they say they haven't.

There we go! My ten tipz on how to bag & keep your perfect Valentine! Do you have any other pointerz I may have forgotten? Now if you will exxxcuse me, I have to go listen to Sara Bareilles' "Basket Case" on repeat and think of a love life I will never know!

My Monday Muse

2011-02-07T21:32:00.004-05:00

Senorita Caliente

Last year I carelessly seduced all you foolz wiff a little lovey dovey ditty entitled "Pardon Me" that was performed by the ~~apple of your eye~~ airplane stewardess of tus sueños, Maxine Swaby. But that shiz, while timeless, is sOOoOOOooo 2010! For 2011 we need an exciting new anthem [read as: sumfing delightfully crappy that actually is a few yearz old]. We need a song that we spice up our livez and charm our undarooz off. And that's why, wiffout further ado, I present to y'all, "Rojo Caliente":

Wow...how red hawt is dat shiz?! It seemz to me that Meagan (who should totez adopt mah petname Senorita Caliente as her official alias), is set to become the new Willa Ford. The talentless slutty white grrrl popstar neeeeedz to make a comeback!! Sure, that reggaeton-tinged rapper is entertaining [read as: terrifying & incoherent], but Princess Caliente's sexxxy red mop & gorg pancake face totez stealz the show.

Do you also want to be rojo caliente?! Well, you betta use your platinum card [feat. endless charge] to get some bling-bling on expensive thingz! Not rich enough? Well, just ~~hijack a~~ schedule a photoshoot for a magazine and pout your glazed lips and wink your druggy eyez @ the camera. SENSUAL! Oh...you're ugly AND poor [see: me]? Well then, just swindle ur way [aka sleep ur way] into the nearest club's VIP room and order grey goose & Cristal [aka Majorska & boxxxed piss] for errrbody! INSTANT ROJO CALIENTENESS!

Wow...tanx Senorita Caliente for letting me know that I too can be a dizzzzgusting money-hungry slut! Wow...she's so inspirational [aka corny as wut-wut]!

The Best Picture Battle

2011-02-06T13:50:00.015-05:00

So the Oscars are almost here! The movie industry's biggest night! It's where childhood dreamz become a reality! Where our favo starz are honored. Where crossed American Idol contestants get their just dessertz! And I can't wait!

The show is on 2.27 [aka mah birfday!!] and in preparation, I am desperately trying to see all of the filmz nominated for Best Picture. Since the Academy ~~is trying to exxxpand the playing field & include filmz of overlooked genres~~ is trying to make mi vida even hawder, starting wiff last year, they have bumped the nominees from 5 filmz to 10!!!

So far, I've seen 6. And I am dizzyappointed cuz I desperately wanted to be able to recap all ten for you. But since I ~~need sumfing to blog about today~~ I love class participation, I'll take a stab @ summarizing the six filmz I've seen just ten werdz & leave it to you bloggy readerz to summarize the 4 I haven't yet seen!

✔ Black Swan - Ballerina gets role of a lifetime and loses her shit.

❒ The Fighter - ____________________________

✔ Inception - Peepz crack into the unconcious mind and fuck shit up.

✔ The Kids Are All Right - Spawn of lesbian couple hunt down their incredibly sexxxy father.

✔ The King’s Speech - Duke of York becomes king, sucks at talking, gets help.

❒ 127 Hours - ____________________________

✔ The Social Network - Guy who kinda sucks kinda steals idea for Internet phenomenon.

✔ Toy Story 3 - Army of forgotten toys fart about and make audiences bawl.

❒ True Grit - ____________________________

❒ Winter’s Bone - ____________________________

I think it's gonna come down to The King's Speech & The Social Network snagging the trophy. Although, The Black Swan does have the artsy underdawg feel to it, so I wouldn't be surprised if that swiped that little golden man.

What about you?! Which of deez films have you seen dis year? Which were your favorites? Have you seen Winter's Bone, True Grit, The Fighter or 127 Hours and have a 10-word synopsis you'd like to enlighten us wiff? C'mon and share...dis is a blog of giving!

Up in da gym just werking on mah fitness...

2011-02-02T20:12:00.006-05:00

So it is the beginning of February. And you know what that meanz?! My birfday is in less than 27 days! What else? That there's only a week and a half until Valentine's Day where couples annoy the hell outta me by flaunting their lurrrve and singlez annoy the hell outta me by whining about how they're alone. What else?!?! How about that the beginning of February 2011 marks the end of my free January trial at the New York Sportz Club!!!!!!!

As some of you may know, David Pastelneoncake is an exercise-aholic. He goes every day and does a bajillion push-upz every night before going to sleep. And being such a fan of physical activity, he drop-kicked mah azz into a 30 gym membership. And what can I say...I LOVED IT!!!

It's mah goal to get ~~thinner for attention~~ more toned & in-shape so casting agents and model scoutz attack me on the subway and give me money to become famous. And the only way to do that is to go to the gym 3+ timez a week. Not only did I learn just how weak I really am (my upper body strength falls somewhere between that of a baby and an armless amputee), but I also was able to do some preliminary exercises and actually started seeing some resultz!

And to all those naysayers that pishposh all ova the gym, I thought I'd share wiff y'all some of the great tingz I learned after my 30-day gym fun time membership festival!

Muscle Men Aren't Mean Judgemental Assholez After All!

Tanx to a potent combination of television and ridicule by the asshole jockz of mah high school yearz, I always feared joining a gym and then being mocked mercilessly by all the beef jerkying chowda headz [read as: guyz that work out a lot].

However, turnz out that gym ratz are not in fact douchebagz, but actually nice people! One even offered to teach me how to work this confusing Rubik's Cube of a work-out machine when he noticed me blinking in wonder at it. NICE!

Hand-Sanitizer Is the Greatest Thing On Earth

I like to think of myself as a reasonably clean person. I mean, I always scrub my mitts and dispose of dirrty tissuez when I am done snotting into them. But cleanliness has taken on a WHOLE new meaning for me since I started going to the gym! Nearly every surface at the gym more or less glistens in a not so subtle layer of perspiration.

And while that might be vileplume, the gym is sure to place an industrial-sized barrel of hand-sanitizer every 5 feet to ensure constant cleanliness. Sure, that translucent alcohol-based soap-substitute might dry the fuzz outta my hands, but dammit if they don't reek of spic-n-span tidiness!

Wheel Of Fortune Is Everyone's Favorite TV Show

There is a limitless number of showz on television to choose from. Want to watch crappy people sing poorly? Watch American Idol. Want to watch autotuned stereotypes sing well? Watch Glee. Want to feel better about your low IQ? Watch Kendra. Want to watch expertly written dark comedies that a plump with emotion and still a juicy amount of humor? Watch & The Big C & United States of Tara. Want to watch a boring crime investigation show? Watch any CSI: Special Butthole Unit.

But outta all deez choicez...what is the #1 show peepz watch while burning off their thigh fat via stationary biking? Wheel of Fucking Fortune. I especially love the people that play along and start showing out answerz [feat. immediately looking around feeling embarrassed when they remember they are in a public location].

Being Nakerz In Front Of Strangers Is Less Awkward Than Being Nakerz In Front of People You Know

What I hated most about high school gym was how we were forced to strip down to our undarooz in front of all of our better-built p33rz. I was so against stripping in front of all those assholez, that I actually would try and wear sweatpants [feat. my gym shorts underneath] to school on the days when we had gym instead of Health class.

But maybe it's the fact that I've gained confirned (thanks largely to the fact that all the teaserz and rude boys that made fun of me in high school are now all pudgy and working at gas stations/convenience storez), but shedding mi ropa in the NYSC locka room was not as traumitizing as I expected! I'd much rather strip in front of deez rando musclemen than in front of friendz or people I actually know or feel comfortable in front of (yeah...guyz must love to date me).

Exercising Is Not Complicated Or Hard

One thing that I absolutely can't stand is when p33pz complain about shiz in their lives yet do nuffin' to remedy the problemaz. ~~And yes, I am a hypocrite.~~ And one of the main formz that this annoyance takes life is when people complain about being outta shape. Like, if you don't want to exercise, that's coo'. But don't whine about it all the time. Get ur nalgaz to the gym if you're unhappy.

"BuT JoOoOoOoSh...ExErCisInG is WaaaAaay ToOoO DiFFiCuLT! I DoN'T KnOw HoW tO Do iT!" SHUT UP whoever says this to me! I too was under the impression that the terrifying contraptions in the gym would be impossible to use. And while some are mindfucks to figure out, it turnz out that the majority of the machines are mad simple. Pull this. Run here. Climb these steps. Shove ur dawgz here & peddle. EASY!

Home-Centric Craft Magazinez Are the Most Popular Magazines In the World

You'd think to see piles and piles of Buttered Muscle Chop Magazine & Throbbing Bicep Monthly stacked up in front of all the bicyclists/weight-lifterz/squat-squatterz to keep dem focused on their fitness. But hellz no! They all be reading about decorative flower placematez, pumpkin stewz & the perfect recipe for a simply irresistible potpourri in one of those innumerable Home & Garden rip-off magazinez.

I just assume the muscle-brained beautiful people are staring @ pictures of derrrriciouz freshly baked bread and contemplating their next carb-splurge. But what do I read while werking out?! Nuffin'! I'm too busy looking at myself in the full-length mirrors, squinting and trying to pretend I look like dis:

My Monday Muse

2011-01-31T20:19:00.014-05:00

MAKE SURE YOU VOTE FOR THE 1ST MONDAY MUSE OF 2011 MONTHLY POLL EXTRAVANGANZA SHOWDOWN SPLASHDOWN FIESTA THUNDERCLAP COMPETITION SNOWPACOLYPSE...DOWN @ DA BOTTOM OF DIS HERRRRRRRRRE POST!

Asian Children

I know...y'all are probably like "WTFingSkatez?!" How can an entire nation's youth be a Monday Muse?! What makes Asian kidz better than non-Asian kidz? And for dat matter, what makez Asian kidz better than Asian adultz?!

Firstly, adultz are douchebagz, so duh chillunz win that battle. But in regards to the other question, and if we're gonna be stereotyping douchenozzlez, Asian people are better @ math, technology & orchestrial talentz than non-Asians, but if we're gon' be ethical & responsible memberz of society (I swurrr I am trying to be one), we'd instead ~~watch deez adowable little ragamuffinz~~ let the youth of the nation enlighten our mindz!...

The Crying Clown

Rice Milk Spokesman

Spongebob Mania

So are you (and by you I mean, any non-Asian readerz out there) feeling completely inferior yet?! You SHOULD BE! Asian chillunz are da best, and here's why:

Their devotion is unmatched. Sure, Crying Clown might have dropped his Fla-Vor-Ice on the ground or love his favo Pokémon card, but dat doesn't stop him from putting on his flashy clownsuit and nailing every goddamn dance move with chiseled excellence. Asslipz Shitzon should take some notez!

Think you're convincing? Are you a self-assured businessman with the world in the palm of yo mano?! Get bent! You're not even worthy to drank the crusted rice milk residue at the bottom of the Rice Milk Spokesman's sippy cup! What conviction! I know his strategic sales pitch has me baited & hooked to the point where I'd be able to look past the malnourished old man on the label and buy that nasty rice crap any way!

American kidz are such snobby pricks. Spoiled and whiny, I fear having kidz and then having my feelings demolished by the lookz of dissatisfaction that are sure the grace their pusses Christmas morning. Red, white & blue kidz are selfish and never happy wiff what they got. Asian kidz though? As Spongebob Mania clearly showz us, cute Asian kidz aren't just content with busted ass st00pid McDonalds toys...but they are balls-to-the-wall-shitstorm-screaming THRILLED. Damn...imagine how much their parents save on holiday presentz [feat. how much they have to then spend on earplugz].

So yeah...in conclusion, Asian children are pretty much the greatest people on Earth*.

*female popstars were not included because we all know that nuffin' trumps them!

--------------------------------------
Who is your Monday Muse of January 2011?!
The God Warrior?
Makenzie the Beauty Queen?
Chatterboxxxing Animalz?
or
or this week's Asian Children!?

Eskimo Mayhem!

2011-01-29T21:18:00.009-05:00

Yeah...I know the 8 of you that still visit mah site are probably so sick & tired of me bitching non-stop about the craptastic weather we've been having here in the Northeast. But guess what...it pissez me off so I'm gonna keep whining about it ~~and alienate the rest of you that haven't completely ditched me for Cocky & Rude~~.

As y'all might know, up where I live in Nueva York & Nueva Jersey, we've been having weekly snowstormz come dropping in on us ever since Xtinamas. And while, yes, it might be SOoOoOooO pWeTtY & bOoTiFuL, but it's also a huge fuckload of irritation.

As alwayz, I spent my week up in New York to make my werk commute easier. And when the 439th snowstorm this month slammed us last Thursday, I could only imagine the icy horror that would await me once the bus dropped mis nalgaz off in Jerzee that Friday night. I expected unmovable melancholy hillz of snowy death and roads of slippery mayhem to be grinning their evil non-existent grinz at me. And for the first time in my life, I didn't overexaggerate the reality!

I frolicked off the bus and noticed that the station's parking lot was actually quite clean. I thanked mah lucky starz [read as: the property owner's dutiful plowslave] that the entire lot was sweeped clean wintry mix. Well...except for a car-shaped pile of snow that was chillaxing near the end of the lot, right where I had parked my coche earlier that week. ::angry face & growl::

Luckily for me, a car must have been parked next to mine when the blizzard hit, for the driver side of Clint [read as: my '91 Subaru Loyale] was more or less cleared, thus only leaving me with 3 sides of my car completely buried in trunk-level snow. YAY!

Sorry it's so dark. The flash on mah camera phone ain't worth shit.

And since I don't believe in spending money on anything, even that which will make my life much easier/less painful, I ignored my mother's countless pleas to purchase a small hand shovel to keep in the back of my car. I attempted to use some broken-ass ice-scrapper to chisel my car out of its winter coccoon, but that shit was NOT flying. So I proceeded to literally hurl my 140 LB body against the walls of snow surrounding my car. 45 minutez later, I was driving on the road [feat. nearly being hit my two separate jerk-offs who weren't paying attention before even leaving the parking lot].

TanxB2Gawd that my roommate is muy intelligente & hired some guy to clean out the hip-level snow that barricaded our driveway (and therefor house) from any human contact. If this isn't the setting for a horror flick, I don't know what is...

And driving up to my house, I legit nearly drove my car into a snow bank, due to what I found when I finally reached my house. To get the full impact of the state of my frustrated shock, I thought I'd take you on a mini-video adventure, retracing my agonizing steps of unwanted winter discovery...

My Monday Muse

2011-01-24T21:16:00.010-05:00

Chatterboxxxing Animalz

Animalz are wondrous things. They keep us company when we are sad. They brighten the rainiest of days. ~~They taste derrrriciouz smothered in ranch~~ They grow old wiff us and keep us young with their naive ignorance.

But what are they thinking? Science suggests that some animals have conscious thought, while others argue that we human sapianz are the only assholez on the face o' the Earth that have intelligent pondering skillz. Since science is boring as shit, I just pull up a chair in the middle and say "Eh, either side is right. I don't care."

But after watching this official documentary [read as: British overdubbing on B-roll nature footage], I think it's obvious that we might be underestimating our woodland brethren.

I know...you're shocked that the savage animal kingdom has so much in common with urself! Us humanz prance about wiff our stuffy noses in the air all day long, shunning the animal world...pish, like our shit don't stank [note: actually, mine doesn't, cuz I'm awesome]! But lookie here @ deez aminalz and how they are more like us than we'd ever think...

Like, take the storks. You ever race some greedy old bitch in a crowded parking lot to a shiny front-row spot, only to have her park her azz even though you had your goddamn blinker on?! The storkz, they feel your pain.

And how about the seagulls/pelicans/ugly birds whatever the fuck they are? They must have just watched the last five minutes of Drag Me to Hell...cuz they are crackin' up just as hawd as I did in theaters!

Regret having a swarm of snotty nosed bastardo chillunz?! You're not alone! Mama seal is so over her loud screaming kids, that I bet she will rethink her stance on wildlife abortionz.

And last but not least...the groundhog. If you are desperately trying to get in-touch with your friend, what do you do? Email them? NO...TAKES TOO LONG. Call them? NO...PHONES ARE FOR TEXTING. Send them a letter? NO...THIS IS 2011, NOT 1911!!! You just stand out on your front lawn and scream their name until they appear. That's what I do whenever I need to get in-touch wiff mis amigoz [please note: which is never because all of my friendz have cut-off contact with me since I annoyed them by repeatedly bellowing their namez whenever I wanted their attention].

The animal kingdom is a wondrous place! So the next time you start to feel all high & mighty cuz of your highly developed brainz y emontionz, launch your nalgaz off to the nearest zoo and struck up a convo with some monkeyz or crap like that. You might JuSt MaKe A NeW FwIeND!!!

My Musical ABCs! - O

2011-01-22T16:24:00.015-05:00

PHEW! It feelz like foreva since we've had an installment of Musical ABCs. I know all you peepz breathe for these entries [aka me forcing my music tastes down your gullets]. And we're about to be visited by one of my LEAST favorite Letter People, the loud and rude Ms. O. Bitch is soooo nasty wiff her big fat gob wide open and her swollen pink tongue smacking us in the face. SICK! But let's ignore her obnoxious oval overblown grossness and create an overjoyed overview of all our favorite O-songs!

"The Ocean" by Mae

"The season has changed. The wind, it blows colder now."

As I have mentioned a bajillion timez since I started this blog, I had my first serial grown-up crush during my freshman year of college. In mah eyes, dis d00d was da bee's knees and I attributed an entire catalog of songs to hopelessly exxxpressing [aka hopelessly posting lyrix in my AIM away messages] how I felt about him.

Also, as I've blabbed about, it was during my first year of college that I really started to exxxplore different kinds of music and bands I had never really heard of. And while ~~surfing about on my college's illegal file-sharing network~~ lawfully browsing the compact disc selection at the local record store, I came across the band Mae. They are melodically brilliant, dramatic in their productive and create some of the most lovely lyrix I've ever had the pleasure to become obsessed with.

Their song, "The Ocean," is all about having a secret rendezvous with that certain someone special and rekindling all those goofy, gooey, loveydovey asshole emotionz. It became more or less an emotional footnote to all of the vundervill late-night meet-upz I'd have wiff that certain d00d. But taken out of the nostalgic value, I still find the build-up of song [feat. dramatic piano] to be goddamn breath-taking. Seriously...can't...breathe...

runners-up:

"One of These Days" by Michelle Branch

"On the Radio" by Regina Spektor

"The One" by Vanessa Carlton [feat. Stevie Nicks]

~~"Our Lips Are Sealed" by Hilary & Haylie Duff~~

Kittens to Cats

2011-01-21T21:54:00.009-05:00

Last weekend I woke up to find all three of my beautiful feline babies sprawled out on my bed [feat. crushing off any blood circulation in my legs]. Aside from the numbness setting into my feet, I couldn't help by tear up a bit when I looked down @ mah Mowgli, Hermanita & Baberz as they snoozed away on the lifeless slabs of flesh I once called my legs.

I was hit with a sense of pride that ~~I hadn't somehow killed them within their lifespan~~ they had all matured from cutie pie boobaloo kitten-totz into a full-fledge meow festival cat parade army brigade! Since I suction violently onto any chance to reminiscent and be nostalgic [feat. a hint of reflective meloncholy] I started looking through some old pix. And look what the fuck I found...

Yes...I know. Your eyes instantly esssplode too? Back when I graduated college (Spring 2008), I moved into mah friend Shawn's house and wiffin the first two w33ks, we acquired two tiny day-old bundlez of kitten joy. My prezzzzious Mowgli & Hermanita were once sooooo small that you could fit both of them in the palm of your mano!

But alas, baby animalz can't always remain itty bitty enough to fit into a boot. They grow up! And just like a motha has to watch her infant child get older [feat. force that greedy mouf to quit the nip!], I watched my unstoppable kitten duo evolve, grow and eventually ~~start sexifying each other like dirrty effing whorez~~ mate to create more felinez to fill the world wiff!

They are gonna be thr33 yearz young which is prox 27 in cat yearz [aka I made that up] this May...look how far they've come!!

Just like their adopting daddy Hermanita & Mowgli LURRRVE spending their weekend mawningz lounging in bed, listening to pop music and blogging about shiz no one givez a fart about. But they haven't just carried on my personality and given me companionship in timez of utter ~~overdramatic, self-imposed~~ loneliness [read as: 90% of mah time], they've also given me another fluffball on unimaginable joy to squeeze and smother with ~~my overbearing obsession~~ love...

...Baberz!!!

I know that many of you [read as: Jere & Polt] might find this post tedious/pointless/melodramtic, but waking up that morning, drowning in a sea of of cats that I myself raised, really got my weak little heart a-chug-a-lugging into overtime. I leave y'all now with three of mah favorite things in the entire world: ~~Fla-Vor-Ice, Dreamgirls & "Regerishonishes"~~ Mowgli, Hermanita & Baberz!

My Monday Muse

2011-01-17T12:04:00.002-05:00

Makenzie the Beauty Queen

Much to the expected delight of Dave2, I have a feeling dat Steven the Beautiful might have a competitor in the field of most elegant Monday Muse of all time. It's hawd to be glamorous. You have to dress in fancy clothez [aka toss-aways from Britney Spears' last tour], smile ~~like a demon~~ brighter than the sun, trot about like a graceful steed and sadly, eventually go blind from the bright magical unicorn shade of pink that colors EVERYTHING in your room.

All of us ugly people [aka those who have livez], can't even begin to fathom the depths and strugglez it takes to be pristine/perfect/loved solely for your lookz. We best rezzzzpect the beautiful people...

So many heartz erupted from my stupid chest when I first laid eyez on Makenzie the Beauty Queen. And...like duh! You see that pearly white baby-teef smile?! It glistens! And her negligent, clearly uncaring mother best get her azz in gear. Did I hear your angelic daughter ~~bark~~ ~~scream~~ ~~volcanically belch~~ politely say that she was "late for DiVa DaY"?!?! Tisk...tisk...Momma Makenzie, you don't let a beauty queen EVER be late for DiVa DaY!!!

Sure, she looks like a strung-out Katie Holmes [feat. eye bags galore!], acts a bigger diva than Christina Aguilera and soundz like Lindsay Lohan after a pack or six of cigz, but in some eyes [read as: in my eyes], that's what computes as BEAUTIFUL! Cover her puss in some cucumberz & melted Hershey Kisses and, yep, I'm in love! Swoon City...hear I come!

I go back to December...

2011-01-15T15:47:00.007-05:00

It's January. After two snowstorms and the heaps of annoyances that resulted because of them, we still have god forsaken February & March to suffer through before the sun gets off his lazy ass and starts meltalating this snow and making the outside world bearable again.

It was when my car nearly slid in front of a truck as I tried to inch my way out of my icicle-laden driveway that I realized...WINTER IS THE EFFING PITZ. My stress meter (no, I don't actually have one, but dammit, I should) spikes between November and April tanx to the chaotic hell mess that comes wiff colder weather.

I mean I know the holidaze are maddening and debilitating, but what is it about winter that causes me to want nuffin' more than to curl up into a self-loathing, tear-soaked melancholy ball? And an even better question...HOW COME I LOVED WINTER SO WHEN I WAS A LITTLE TOT? I have decided to use this ~~artarded~~ scholarly cyber-journal to exxxplore the reasons why winter used to kick ass/why it sucks taint now.

Reason #1: Driving

When you're just a rutty little snot, the fastest thing you can legally drive is a sled. So when the clouds start to diahrea cold white snow p00p all ova the ground, chillunz of all ages start jonsing speed and break out their sleds. Swish! Zip! Swoop! It's scientifically proven that the cold has little to no effect on children, so they spend the entire afternoon racing and laughing and enjoying life...

...but then you get older. And you don't have time for ice skating and sled-racing and all that carefree jazz. You are responsible for getting things done. Errands, shopping & work don't disappear into oblivion just because the roads get messy. Instead of racing sled down scenic park hills, you have to dodge fallen treez, small animalz & other cars while you skid and swerve your car across unsalted streets, only to crash your automobile and cry frozen tearz as you watch the wreck get dragged to hell [read as: towed].

Reason #2: Snow Dayz!

Probably the most exxxciting thing about being a kid (not counting birfdays & freezers FULL of Fla-Vor-Ice) is waking up early in the morning during a blizzard, turning on your radio and listening in to the school closings! As a young'un, hearing you have a surprise day off that you can fill wiff video games, bouncing on your bed, watching TV, cornballing and snowman-building is the equivalent to having sex as an adult. Same adrenaline rush I swurrrr...

...but then you get older. And even if there is a terrible monsta snowstorm barelling down on you, you will more than likely have to bundle ur nalgaz up, bust on your broken, cracked shovel that doesn't work, and stab, scrap & shatter your coche out of its ice coffin so you can kill urself driving to werk and spend the rest of your day soaking wet @ a desk, thinking only of how hellish your commute home will be. Oh...and what if you too got the day off cuz of the weather? Be prepared to spending ur day anxxxiously checking your email and pitifully trying to get some sort of productive work flow going in your living room while your bratty little kids scream all day about making snow angels. Hopefully you're like me and love your job so it's slightly bearable!

Reason #3: Weight Gain

Yes...the holiday season can be quite joyous. Gifting & spending time with your lurrrved ones...oh, it is quite MaGiCaL!!! And the foooooood! Candy and hot cocoa and overzealous dinnaz and dessertz by the truckload...we all gorge ourselves as kidz and the mere thought of the holidaze can put any normal kid's tastebudz into orgasmic overload...

...then you get older. Your metabolism deteriorates and you no longer have ur parents to coddle you and inject your body wiff derrriciouz treatz. You spend most of your dayz mad hungerz cuz you've spent all your extra income on Xtinamas giftz for p33pz and therefor can't afford groceriez. Then comes the holidaze and you are scurrred to stuff your gob wiff all the tastiful f00dz your family has prepared, in fear of gaining another stomach that you will vow to exercise off come the New Year, but that you will eventually give-up on werking off and that you just painfully accept as your new outta shape body. Upside? You won't need a pillow under ur shirt to ~~scare the shit outta your kids when you~~ dress up as Santa!

Reason #4: Money, Money, Money

Prolly the one thing I miss the most about being young y ignorant is the fact that I never had to even remotely ponder about monetary exxxpenses of any kind. In your childhood eyez, tus padres have bottomless pockets of gold that keep your house heated, stomach full & your ass clothed in the warmest of clothes, mittenz, bootz & scarvez...

...but then you get older. You move away from your parents and no longer have their walletz to exxxploit for climate-appropriate attire. I seriously haven't had a pair of b00tz since I was 18, cuz Lawdy knowz I ain't gonna pay ova $10 for any piece of clothing! And let's not forget that you more or less live in an iceboxxx since heating a house is better left to millionaires who can afford the ridic chargez that come with!

Reason #5: Holiday Vacation Time

In a child's mind, the word "Christmas" doesn't just bring to mind thoughts of giftz & magic, it also means "EXTENDED TIME AWAY FROM SCHOOL"! In middle/high school, you get weekz of free time, in college you get a month! You can sleep in late and recuperate from the long nightz of studyin' and revive your tired mind with countless hourz of thoughtless reality television and frivolous shopping. Then, when mid-to-late-January rolls around, you are ready to take on the second semester...

But then you get older. And graduate. I've come to learn this year (being as it's my first year of being fully employed and still having friends in school) that while all of the younger generations have days and days to spend frolicking and gozziping and eating and doing all the things I want to do, those in the work force get not days, but more like ONE DAY off tacked onto Christmas weekend to enjoy. You end up counting your minutez and crying when the following Monday comez around along with the end of your non-existent vacation.

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So what about you folkz? What about the winter season used to be fun & exxxciting but now is excruciating & terrible?!

My Monday Muse

2011-01-09T12:38:00.007-05:00

The God Warrior

I've been saving this goldmine of unlimited shiny happiness since I started doing deez Monday Muse installmentz. I mean, for serial, is there anything more inspiring than watching someone profess their undying faith?! ~~Yes, listening to "Firework" on repeat after you've had a bad day @ work and you start bawling on the subway~~ NO!

I think we all need a little more angelic guidance in our lives. Like Mandy Moore wisely once said, "all you gotta do is have a little faith"! And there is no better teacher in the art of pure & loving [read as: loud & potentially violent] devotion than dis week's Muse!

Trading Spouses is a brilliantly constructed social exxxperiment [read as: fucked up exxxploitive reality TV show] that takes mommas from two completely different families, puts them in each other's houses and then lets the cameras roll as the shiz hitz the fizz.

And The God warrior is by far the most infamous and glamorous of all da wivez that have ever been switched about. Our Jesus soldier had to spend a week living with some free-spirited, open-minded non-Christian family (poor girl!) and her retelling of the surely Lucifer-inspired hell she went through is HeArTbReAkInG!!

GARGOYLEZ! PSYCHICS! TAROT CARDS! MOONS! WITCHBOOKS! The God Warrior was put through the ringa, and all she needed was for us to pray for her. And did we?! NO! We should all be ashamed of ourselves! She's been sayin' & preachin' & prayin' & sayin' the w3rdingz of Jeebuzz and I think it's high time we listen!

Who needs a well adjusted mind & a reasonable body fat percentage when Lawdy Lawd is in your heart & (deranged) mind?!

Oh...you think all dis "dawk-sided" blabbering is just for show? You think she didn't really rip up her prize moniez but instead just a rando piece of junk mail? Well take a pick at THIS HURR clip and you'll see how overcome with the barbaric/non-Christian lifestyle of her foster family she really got [read as: the dryer brole & she pretends sumfing smellz bad].

Bloggy Gift Exxxtravaganza (2010 Remix)!!

2011-01-08T13:32:00.006-05:00

YAY! I know you've all be anxiously checking Josh Is Trashy everyday to see when the much-anticipated GIFT EXCHANGE fotografias would post (and I really do appreciate the boost in mah view count aka mah reason for breathing)! I was afraid that after the overwhelming tsunami of success that came with last year's gifting experiment that this year might pale in comparrison. But ~~as with most things I say & believe~~ I was wrong!

Well, wiff da help of the beautiful & elegant & organized BEST PERSON TO EVER EXIST IN THE ENTIRE WORLD EVER [aka Michelle!!! EEEEEEEEE!!!!], I am bringing you the cyber Josh Is Trashy Holidaze Fiesta!!

Let's start with ~~the snoozining~~ and get to the show 'n' tell pictures!

ADAM!

Craig sent me some awesome gifts! I'm now the proud owner of a Green Eggs & Ham t-shirt and the literary masterpiece, "The Penis Name Book: A Guide To Naming Man's Best Friend." He also sent a laser pointer for Spring. She loved it! THANKS CRAIG!! :-D

JERE!

Corey sent me "Matchless" by Gregory Maguire, the author of "Wicked." The book is a retelling of the Little Matchbook Girl story that is both sad and heartwarming. I read it to my nieces and nephews while visiting them for the holidays and had to choke back tears while they squirmed to go do something more fun.

HEATHER!

M. Nico sent me a book called "Knitting Nature," which has all these funky knitting patterns AND a bunch of math. I love it -- it's a perfect present for me. (This photo also features our cat ~~Baberz~~ Ria, who's having a good morning, Godzilla the knitter, mini-G, and our 10-year old, who is pointing to the abbreviation for Bind Off and laughing.)

FDOT!

My gifter was John. After shoveling the package out from under 16 inches of snow, I opened it to discover this amazing picture of Chip and Dale. It's sort of a 3-D layered image and is now my prized Disney possession. Even better, when I go to sleep at night, they come to life and talk to me. I also received *three bars of delicious gourmet chocolate. Nom. Nom. Nom.

*bars consumed immediately after picture.

PAUL!

Josh very cleverly combined my advanced age and my love of sci-fi to find me a excellent book I affectionately refer to as “My Bucket List”. I also loved the home made Christmas cardboard! [~~Josh's~~ EDITOR'S NOTE: Not shown is the awesome holiday celebrity collage on the other side of the cardboard!]

POLT!

I got my gifts from the lovely and gingery Adam! First of all, they all came wrapped in awesome red/green Christmasy Superman wrapping paper! I got a "Cock-A-Doodle Pad" which is a notepad with drawings of naked men on them...but sans gentialia. So whilst I'm on hold on the phone, I can draw in any kind if willy that suits my fancy. I got a "Dicky Dickhead", which is the naughty cousin of Mr. Potatohead, cept that he'd a dick. I got a Penis Christmas Tree ornemant, which of course NO Christmas Tree should be without. I got a pack of mints the size of a matchbox with the words "I (heart) my penis" on it. Who knew someone made a box like that with EXACT sentiment that runs through my head???

MARCUS!

My gift exchange sender was Heather. I received soda cracker candy, a bacon wallet & Cranberry Tex-Mex salsa.

MICHELLE!

My perfect gifts were from Talita. She sent me heaven in a little gold box (which I did not share with Harry). And this fantastically cute Wonder Woman mirror which reveals my alter-ego when I look into it. Thank you, Talita!

COREY!

I found out my 'Secret Santa' is Mush from Walla Walla, WA. She sent me some fantastic Spanish/Mexican chocolate candies and goodies. Some of which I have never heard of. I'm having a great time sampling them all. But the most special thing about the present is that she wrote in the attached Christmas card that she made a $10 donation to one of my favorite charities that I support: Room to Read. What a great gift!

JOSH!

FDot is obviously an educated man who spendz his time wisely reading important interweb publications like Josh Is Trashy! And his dedication frrrealz paid off (in mah favor)! He musta been taking notez as he read, for he knew that two of mah favorite ~~singaz~~ people ever are P!nk & Jared Leto. Now I can become the #1 P!nk exxxpert (if I wasn't already) by reading her biography while taking restive breakz to stare longigly @ a poster of mah rawkstar twin, Mr. Leto! LOVEZ IT! MUCHAS GRACIAS!

RYAN!

Chris D. sent me "The Science of Cooking" and a GIR ornament.

DAVE2!

Polt sent me this awesome Batman shirt. Now I strike fear in evil-doers wherever I go! It's pretty awesome... even though I don't have the muscles to fill it out properly. It's tough to take a picture since the shirt makes me all stealthy and stuff but, luckily, my Bat-iPhone was up to the task!

ENRICO!

For the trashy gift exchange I got a big box full of presents! I got this sweet flannel hoodie, the novel "The Tin Drum" from Nobel Prize Winner Günter Grass, and chocolate chip cookies! As an English major, I've heard a lot about Grass and am excited to finally read one of his books. I even got a bookmark feat. some old lady who used to be a famous singer or something but then she stood on a grate and her dress blew all around and then she died of an overdose. Thanks Paul!

M. NICO!

The unbelievably awesome Tam sent each one of the Spawn of Nico a small lunch box filled with goodies which they absolutely loved, especially the mittens (SoN#1 even wore them to bed, a mark of honor reserved for his most cherished possessions). Next is me with a selection of fine Canadian Spirits, in miniature! Tam also sent a selection of delicious cookies, which did not survive long enough to photograph so I am just holding the empty tin! But that's not all! Tam also sent a Canada t-shirt, which my wife immediately claimed as hers as she is originally from Canadia herself. I can't express how much I loved this gift, Tam is the best!

TALITA!

I received Bubble Bath and a bath pillow from Jere, This is a great gift because I love to take baths!! :o)

MEL!

My gift came from Dave2 and is a shrink-wrapped gift package from where he lives - Cashmere, WA - which is in the apple-growing part of the Washington's desert country. I am totally psyched to cook up the apple pancakes and drench them in the boysenberry jam and apple syrup. The fruit jelly & nut candies are kind of weird but already half gone, and the Walla Walla onion mustard made me think of Mush, who lives in Walla Walla. I think she and Dave need to meet up in IRL, because I'm pretty sure they're geeks of a feather.

CHRIS D.!

David P. was my gift giver. He gave me the most amazingly serious pickles I have ever experienced, a relaxing Celtic music CD, and awesome Allegro tea.

CRAIG!

My gift (actually, GIFTS!) came from the illustrious Mikey! I got Christmas-colored argyle trunks (is that what the kids are calling short as hell boxer-briefs these days?), Christmas-colored argyle socks, and the ultimate geek pen! Seriously, that's what it's called! It comes with a laser pointer, flashlight, UV light (to check for counterfeit bills!), oh yeah, and something to write with! It's amazing! Thanks Mikey!

JOHN!

I received my gift from Enrico! Enrico sent me "A Short History of The Honey Bee" book, which has some great photos and information on honey bees. As mentioned, this totally feeds my inner geek. The book has some great information and fantastic pictures. He also sent me lovely card and a gift certificate to The Home Depot that came with a pop up card of its own! It is soooo cool! It appears my relationship with The Depot is going to continue, but hey, I can stop any time. Really, anytime I want. Thanks for the great gifts Enrico!

JUSTIN!

Marcus was my gift-giver and he sent me two kinds of ceylon tea :) Nice! :)

DAVID PASTELNEONCAKE!

Here I am enjoying delicious cookies from Ryan.

TAM!

I got this amazing hand knitted hat (which just happens to match the shirt I'm wearing) and will keep my brain toasty as I have to walk from my parking garage to my building at work. I also got two chocolate bars from Coastline Confections and we got two gorgeous jars of jam, Maine wild blueberry and raspberry peach champagne, also from a company in Maine. Thanks so much Mel, I'm looking forward to breakfast so I can have toast and jam.

MIKEY!

From the fabulous Michelle McKee, I received a cornucopia of amazing things! I don't know how she knew exactly what to get me! I got a delicious block of cheese and heavenly crackers to eat it with. Naturally, I ate the cheese all at once and nibbled on the crackers over the next few days. I also got the "Gourmet Christmas Cookie Cookbook," which is perfect! You can now all expect homemade Christmas cookies from me next year! Michelle must also know that I like to drink because she gave me glass markers in the form of twelve friendly party people. However the pièce de résistance was my very own framed photo of Justin Bieber. I will now sleep easy knowing he is beaming back at me. Rounding out my box of treasures was a chocolate bar, some jelly beans and candy canes! Thanks Michelle!

MUSH!

From Justin - OMG THREE FLAVORS OF CHOCOLATE TRUFFLES SHAPED LIKE MICE OM NOM NOM NOM NOM -- um, yeah, those are totally gone now.

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Okay folkz! There we go! The Josh Is Trashy Bloggy Gift Exxxchange Supa 2010 Remix Splashdown in da Dangerzone Whirlwind Festival is OVER! Time to put 2010 to bed and start slashing away at 2011 like a weed-whacker! Hope y'all had some fun...before we know it, nexxxt November will be on us again & we can do dis all ova again! Now if you exxxcuse me, I must reconfirm my ability to name all of P!nk's singles in order of chart debut and compare my facial expressions in the mirror to that of Jared Leto (in mah desperato attempt to become his stunt double).

MWUAH MWUAH MWUAH TO Y'ALL!

My Muscal ABCs! - N

2011-01-04T22:03:00.010-05:00

I know we've gotten a touch off of schedule, what wiff da New Year and holidaze and all that crap. But don't fret my beautiful like basketcases! Musical ABCs are back with anotha round of tunetastico show 'n' tell! Now enough wiff da nagging and nobby nuisancing. Let's all navigate our nogginz and blab about our favorite neato songs that begin wiff the noisy Mr. N!

"The Nurse Who Loved Me" by A Perfect Circle

"I'm taking her home with me, all dressed in white."

Okay...I have to make a statement before I begin ~~or else mah sister will punch me in the jaw~~...A Perfect Circle did not do the original version of dis herre track. The writers & original composers are the band Failure. However, since I've listened to the APC version a million times (cuz durh...it's on mah sleepytime/sad playlist!) and since that is the version I heard first, I will be largely focusing on their cover. But since I iz fair, I will post both versions below [feat. y'all readers rolling ur eyez and not giving a shet].

Anywayz! A Perfect Circle was/is a modern rock group that was largely thought of as the more commercially acceptable, yet still immensly talented side project of Tool frontman Maynard James Keenan. As I've said before, back when I was 12 or some shit, I only listened to two CDs over and over again [see: Natalie Imbruglia's Left of the Middle & the soundtrack to Forest Gump], mah sister Melody took it onto herself to enlighten me to a broader spectrum of musica. It was through her that I discovered Deftones, Incubus & A Perfect Circle.

Now, dis herre song is not only musically quite pleasing, but it also charms the poetic pants off of me! I could very well see the lyrix jotted down in some confessionalist poet's thought journal! The song is from the perspective of a mental patient who has fallen madly in lurrrve wiff his nurse. He is delusional and believez that she is all hawt & enamored with him as well and dat they will have a vunvervill life togethz. As the listener, we know he is full of malarky which makes it heartbreakingly sad to see him all ~~Lady~~ gaga ova this hot bitch.

The Failure version of the song is somewhat of a straight forward rock track, but what I lurrrve about the A Perfect Circle cover is how calming the music itself is, juxtaposed to how depressing & downright creepy the werdingz are! You be the judge...which do you like most?!

A Perfect Circle

Failure

runners-up:

"Natural Blues" by Moby

"Northern Downpour" by Panic! At the Disco

"Nothing Better" by The Postal Service

"The New Girl In Town" by Brittany Snow

Monday Muse of 2010 RESULTZ!!!

2011-01-02T16:28:00.003-05:00

Here we are, errbody. The moment of troofz! You're just one and a half scrollz away from learning who the MONDAY MUSE OF 2010 is!!! (don't be a bitch and just skip the whole entry to see da winna!)

This was one rolla coaster ride of hilarity & inspiration and I will take the liberty to speak for each and every one of you when I say that this year'z troop of Monday Muses really made our lives ten times better. They all deserve a round o' applause for tickling our funnybonez and making us laugh till we cry and cry until we die! Who will grace us elegantly (along wiff current beauty queen champion, Steven the Beautiful) from the right-hand side of Josh Is Trashy for the rest of eternity?! I won't tease ur shit any longer...

THE MONDAY MUSE OF 2010 IS...

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EL DIABLO!!!

Okay...just kidding. While I trust all of you bloggy peepz, I do have to say I'm ~~completely~~ mildly dizzypointed that NONE of mah favo Muses even made it to the finals! So let me just bask for a moment in the perfectly tinted glow of 2010's biggest voter snubs! El Diablo, Jiz, Maxine Swaby, Elyse, Dusty Gozongaz, AbLisa & Jackie Beat, you all made my soul shine and sparkle like a crisp bottle of Orangina. Though the public may not have appreciated your PERFECTION, you all forever have a chunk of mah heart unda lock y key!

Now...back to business...it's time to reveal the real winner of this year's Monday Muse Showdown. It was a tight race, wiff only two votes separating the crowning victor & the shamed runner-up. Let's get our lungs ready for cheering/bloody screaming...

THE MONDAY MUSE OF 2010 IS...
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Huzzah! Hooray! Yay! Boo! Hiss! Grumble! Cheer! Yell! Fart! Vomit! CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP!!! Yes, Missy the Cat stole your heartz and pinned Marcel the Shell to the fuckin' floor to become your Monday Muse of 2010! A lifetime supply of fresh milk, Whisker Lickinz' snacks & stomach rubz are now bestowed upon Missy (while Marcel gets ground-up, dyed rainbow colors and turned into Coke bottle sand art that will sit on some st00pid kid's dresser for a year until he breaks it accidentally and Marcel's remainz ultimately gets vacuumed up and trashed)!

I will work on engraving Missy the Cat's ~~star on the walk-of-fame~~ ugly GIF icon later dis week. Look for it next to Steven the Beautiful in a few dayz! Come back nexxxt Monday for a new round of Muses that are ready to kidnap and maul your heartz into submission!

We need a resolution

2011-01-02T14:24:00.003-05:00

2011 is here! Holy crap! It's a time for us to start over and to forget all the dopey crap we did in 2010 and vow to make a change for the better [read as: give ourselves unrealistic goals to achieve which we ultimately abandon by February]!

I could say that I am gonna cut back on my caffeine intake or exercise more and whateva', but those kind of resolutions don't require much actual work. The tingz I want to actually chisel away @ improving are more long-term goal accomplishments [aka improbable]. And since mah goofy azz bloggyskatez language makes it hawd for me to really articulate anything of real value, I'ma leave it to some of mah favo musical superstars to vocalize my resolutionz para el año nuevo!

"I will be strong on my own."

As Christina Aguilera prophesized yearz ago, the only way to reach your dreams is to learn to rely on yourself and only yourself. Sure, having friends and family and significant otherz make life fun and exciterbiking and shit, but the only way anyone will ever love you, is if you love urself or some crap. I find mahself often times leaning too heavily on those around me for support...so resolution #1 for 2011 is to be more self-sufficient!

"Make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes."

2010 had a lot of difficult momentz that were really hard to get through, and I know that 2011 will also probably be chock full o' stress and turmoil, but I know that I just have to listen to the teachingz of Kris Allen and remember that all the bullshitting fuckery we are forced to trudge through ultimately benefit us in the long run. Another 2011 resolution? Grow a thicker skin to get through the lowest of lows unscathed.

"You're gonna leave them all in awe."

I have this self-destructive and ridiculous habit of thinking too lowly of mahself. I sometimes have a self-est33m that resembles a sort of trembling shower scum, waiting to be washed down the drain. No matter how many times p33pz say they are proud of me, I still have difficulty in thinking that I'm able to achieve any sort of level of greatness. So that's why, whenever I am in doubt of mah own awesomeness, I dive into the wise w3rdingz of Katy Perry and think about another of my 2011 resolutions: have faith in myself, no matter what.

"There are roads left in both of our shoes."

We all have bad days. We all feel like giving up. We all have momentz in our st00pid little vidaz where we think that life couldn't get worse. A significant other breaks up with you? Get hollered at by your boss? Gain ten LBs while ur on a diet? Have you favorite American Idol contestant not make it to the finals?! Yes...life is filled with ups & downs. Thankfully for us all, Death Cab For Cutie have addressed this fear and reminds us of my 2011 resolution to remember that tomorrow is always another chance to change your life and make it not suck!

"I've got to be unstoppable."

To summarize. My 2011 resolution is to basically just continue my weird transformation from dumbo early 20-something scarredy cat baby to a REAL GODDAMN PERSON. It's a terrifying journey and while I definitely feel like I'm more of an adult than I was a year ago, I still have a long journey to go. To wrap-up all of my resolutions into one cute, neatly tied package [feat. pwetty lace bow], I will call up the genius of Santigold and say that for 2011, I want to become UNSTOPPABLE.

To all you bloggy p33pz, tanx for traveling on this crazy road with me. May your 2011s be full of joy, fun & seasonz in the sun. Lovez ya!

Buzz off 2010

2010-12-31T10:26:00.009-05:00

It's the last mañana of 2010. I am sitting on Enrico's floor while he lays in bed. We're going to attempt to go dancing tonight in Philadelphia to celebrate the ending of the year. And while I wait for him to awake from his peaceful slumber, I am nostalgic and reflecting on all that occurred during the past 365 days...le sigh...

...Okay...enough of the melodramatic memory crap. Basically, 2010 was a clusterfuck of emotions, events and changes. Some good, others not...for multiple reasonz it will be a year I will always remember. I made friends, I lost friends. I worked incredibly hard and had my first real taste of what it means to be a grown-up adult real person. I spent a lot of time wiff my lurrrrved ones, but also made sure I had enough freedom to myself to keep from going nutzo.

And as always, I watched a lot of shit, read a lot of shit and listened to a lot of shit. Thanks for all the good schtuff, 2010! Now get your feeble ass outta my sight...I got some 2011 ass to go start kicking.

But before I got make 2011 my bitch, I decided to help you all relive my 2010 year in entertainment, by putting together these handy (not-so-much) & exciting (probably not) slideshows of all the books, movies & music I experienced dis year! Enjoy (please...one of you watch?!)!

What I Watched Dis Year:

What I Read Dis Year:

What I Listened To Dis Year:

What about youuuu folks?! What books/movies/albums did you enjoy this year?! Are you excited for 2011?? Raise your glass to hoping that it doesn't blow chunks!

Monday Muse of 2010 FINAL EFFING Showdown!!!

2010-12-27T21:06:00.004-05:00

This is it, ladiez & gentlesmutz...THE FINAL TWO. The Mario vs. Bowser; The Obama vs. McCain; The Diana DeGoingToProm vs. Fantasia...only one of the following two deserving Muses will be crowned wiffin the next seven dias and named the Monday Muse Of 2010 [cue: celebratory trumpeting]!

We've come a long way, but throughout the voting process, deez two formidable opponentz have both managed to secure impressive votes, week after week. But enough of that pansy shiz...every other Muse has fallen @ their feet [aka are relieved to be done wiff dis crap and are chilling out in the Bahamas].

It will be 2011 in less. Which Monday Muse will lead us into the Año Nuevo?! Review below and decide...

[Click da names below to review]

Marcel the Shell
vs

Missy the Cat

Here it is folkz...the final confrontation. Gather your wits and prepare to make ~~an arbitrary~~ the single most monumental decision of your entire existence!

Xtinamas Home Moviez!

2010-12-26T15:01:00.005-05:00

I hope y'all had a beautiful holiday! Mine was for def def deferishonishez relaxxxing and enjoyable. And since I am such a giver, I thought that I share with ~~the 5 of you that still come here~~ all of you beautiful chorizoz some HoMe MoViEs I taped during my visit to my parent's house!

No Christmas would be complete without a sexxxy, decked out (fake) Xmas tree, just how no Christmas would be complete with a demented, perverted possessed talking Santa doll! My mom has had this terrifying Santa for yearz and no matter how many times he talks, he never seemz to run outta batteriez. Pure evil, I tell you...

So after us chillunz all snuggled into our beds [read as: air mattress & couch], we drifted off into slumberville where we imagined candied laughter & sunshine kisses [aka I had a dream I was diagnosed with cancer]. My sisters Cindy, Melody [feat. fiance John] & I all awoke to discover stockings stuffed full of wonder and delight! As we began gutting the living hell out of our oversized socks, I began to entertain my lurrrved ones with my spoken-word interpretation of Ali Lohan's "Christmas Magic." Apparently, my talents go unappreciated...

Then we all opened our giftz & hugged & thanked one another & blah blah blah. We spent the rest of the day gorging the blackholes that had become our stomachs, drinking 'nog & cider and watching some of the most gawd-awful movies I've ever seen (the worst was a sequel to the dumbazz film adaptation of that artarded "Christmas Shoes" song).

As I was getting ready to bounce and make it back to my house before the blizzard (which is currently barricading me inside & will for totez ruin my life tomorrow morning when I try to get my azz up to Nueva Nueva for work!), mi madre asked if she could record a holiday wish to all of you bloggy readerz [feat. special-time shout-out to Anne Marie]. Isn't she just so dahling?!

I HOPE YOUR HOLIDAY WEEKEND IS GOING ALONG SWIMMINGLY AND THAT YOU GOT ALL THE SHIT YOU ASKED FOR! MWUAH MWUAH!!!

Every year, December comes...

2010-12-24T12:51:00.006-05:00

Well, well, well...it's that time o' da year again. Time for us to rape our forests, decorate sum treez, purchase ~~discounted~~ expensive crap for our lurrrved ones & enjoy the company of family y amigoz.

I know that there are a bunch of scroogez out there that whine & bitch about how lame Xmas is, but whateva...they obvz don't carry Christmas magic [read as: a lot of booze] in their gut on December 25th! I have just finished wrapping all of my family's giftz [feat. Star, OK! & People magazine "wrapping paper"] and I'm about to ship out to la casa de mis padres, but I wanted to bequeath to you, my bloggy audience, some interweb holidaze cheer!

So scroll below to enjoy some yuletide delights from Ke$ha, the Osbourne famile & of course, Ali Lohan.

Now if you can exxxcuse me, it's time to get drunk, eat & then open some shit. TANXBAIHAVEAGREATHOLIDAY!!!!!!

Ke$ha [feat. homeless person] | "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"

The Osbourne Family Christmas

Ali Lohan | "Christmas Magic"

Monday Muse of 2010 Showdown!

2010-12-20T23:45:00.007-05:00

Wowza...we are done to the final 3. Even though I found Movie Concessionz to be unbelievably delectable and educational, apparently the rest of you ~~have no taste~~ cherished the other three more! And while we bid farewell to ~~LaToya London~~ ~~Chris Daughtry~~ ~~Jason Castro~~ our animated cinematic treatz, we must suffer though our sadness and remember dat we all still gotza jerb to do!

The goddamn New Year is right around the corner, and a Monday Muse Of 2010 has yet to be chosen! Our three finalists are all fierce contenderz, and I for serial could see any one of the them elegantly chiseled [aka GIF-pasted] onto the side of mah blog, right underneath Steven the Beautiful.

So let's get to bizzzzznezz. You know the drill...links below...poll beneath that...VOTE FOR YOUR FAVO!!!

[Click da names below to review]

Marcel the Shell

Awesome Toyz

Missy the Cat

Who made it soooo far only to ultimately fail and crash and burn and die in the flames of failure?!

INFECTED!

2010-12-19T13:55:00.004-05:00

I know I have been slightly MIA the past week...but I swurr it isn't mah fault! Last weekend, while I was trying to illegally watch The Big C attempting to donate large sums o' money to starving chillun foundationz, I somehow contracted a terrible new computer virus! It was one of those awful bastardoz that embed themselves deep inside your computer and inundate you with pop-ups.

This one in partix kept alerting me that my computer was about to esssplode and all my memory was shriveling up and that if I didn't purchase this bullshiz program, my world as I know it would come to an end. It also blocked all of my current virus software from running and fixxxing it. Luckily, Josh Is Trashy reader Justin is a computer expert or sumfing and sent me some spyware removal tool that I believe exorcised that virus from my poor laptop.

And while I am beyond thrilled that I got that effing bullcrap out of my computer, I am annoyed that I ended up wasting a good 5 hours farting around with it. It ticks me off that there are lame ass n3rd paradez that sit around all day making pointlessly obnoxious computer viruses, just to ruin my life.

My seething anger eventually mellowed into a pitying frustration. I began to brainstorm a plethora of things that a st00pid, ugly, out-of-shape, malicious bastard n3rd festival could do instead of inventing debilitating digital diseases...

Use your advanced (and misplaced) intelligence for good by brainstorming cost-effective & widely beneficial ways to help the homeless. Ideas? Holiday snack packs and insulated sidewalk-friendly sleeping bags.

Use your fancy fingawork to learn an instrument. Instead of typing out diabolical codes of disaster [feat. ruining many peepz' afternoons!], how about plunking about on a piano a delicious melody?! The first time you play "White Houses" all the way through, it will be like you've just been reborn!

Enrich your cultural mind and go see a critcally-acclaimed dark, psychologically provocative artsy thriller [ie Black Swan, Black Swan or Black Swan]. Then go home and have a 60-minute analytical discussion about the finer points of subtle symbolism throughout.

Why don't you extend your life by 10 years and start exercising to werk off that five-Hot-Pockets-for-dinner lard flab you've procured from yearz of over-eating greasy shit in front of your evil methlab of a computer?

I'm sure that since you started on your condemnable downward spiral into cyber-terrorism, you've lost touch wiff all of your amigoz. I'm sure if you picked up the telefono and gave dem a ring and apologized for ignoring them in exxxchange for ruining everyone's life via hackinating the interwebz, they'd forgive you and want to rekindle your friendship.

You readerz got any ideaz, just in case any virus-scheming buttholez stumble upon my blog?! Let's deter cyber chaos!

My Musical ABCs - M!

2010-12-13T13:36:00.016-05:00

Musical ABCs are here again! Sorry for the delay...I was gonna post ova the weekend, but due to an obnoxious computer virus (more on that later) and my unwavering addiction to Donkey Kong Country Returns, I have had to postpone the entry until today. I hope y'all ain't too pizza-ed @ me! Okay...you may now share your magically miraculous and musically magnificent songs that start with that fatass letter, Mr. M!

"Me and Bobby McGee" by Janis Joplin

"Feeling good was good enough for me."

Surprised? Didjoo tink I only dabbled in the musical stylingz of current *popstarz*?! Thought I didn't have an appreciation for the classic rock n' rollerz of yesteryear?! Well, to quote Kelly Clarkson, "You thought wrong"!

Not only is dis my favorite M song of all time, but it is also my third favorite song EVER of ANY letter (right behind my choices for B & J)! As we all should know, the fantastico Janis Joplin is one of the best singers that ever existed. Her voice makez mah effing skin crawl and shivers my bones to their very core. I am beyond saddened by the fact that she died sooooOOoOoOo early in her life and left us wiff only a handful of her tunez.

And not only is her voice perfecto, the lyrix to "Me and Bobby McGee" are some of the rawest and most heart-shredding I've ever heard! I want to have a busted flat in Baton Rouge! This tune was implanted into my skull back when I was still a wee little tot, and my appreciation for it has only grown and blossomed into a full-blown obsession as the years passed by.

runners-up:

"Mississippi" by Train

"More Than a Woman" by Aaliyah

"Maybe" by Kelly Clarkson

"My Neck, My Back (Lick It)" by Khia

Monday Muse of 2010 Showdown!

2010-12-13T12:30:00.008-05:00

We were down to the final 5. The votez were cast. Now 1 of the Monday Muse of 2010 finalists has to pack their bags and shamefully walk off the stage [feat. teary-eyed overdramatic video death montage set to Daughtry's "Home"]. And I'm sorry Yatta...but your shit is apparently funky & played out. Thanks for all the joy you brought to our lives. Now get the hell out of my face.

Now we're down the the final cuatro! There was a clear leader in the voting pool last week. But with one contestant axxxed, and things getting shaken up, I for def def deffers can see an upset [ala Jennifer Hudson] taking place before the year is out! Who will Ryan Seacrest murder nexxxt week? Don't let it be your favorite!

[Click da names below to review]

Four Muses remain. Who will survive your ruthless voting gauntlet of pain and/or suffering?!

I'm addicted to yoooouuuu.

2010-12-09T23:51:00.006-05:00

For serial, I tried to think of my life before I exchanged it for cyber-living over the interwebz. Before I started creating countless online profiles and spending hour upon hours doing nuffin' but "liking" & "retweeting" & "scrobbling" & all that other bullshit, and all I saw was a scrawny, sad little kid crying himself to sleep each night [read as: a healthy and active young'un who had friends and enjoyed a plethora of different activites].

Back when I only used the computer to commit homicidal death houses in The Sims and Saw-worthy murda contraptions in Roller Coaster Tycoon, I would never think of spending horaz surfing...da web.

But then I got my own computer, a faster internet connection & moved outta mah parent's house. Now NOTHING will stop me from wasting countless hours I can never get back (sob, sob) on the web.

A Facebook, Twitter, Blogspot, ~~MySpace~~, LiveJournal, My-Diary, Angelfire, Photobucket, Netflix, Skype account, Last.FM, Tumblr & YouTube later, and I must say that I have become just a tad preoccupied with da interwebz. So I wanted to get help (not really)! So I found dis online test that tells you how dependent you are on the interwebz.

My score? Only a 57%! Maybe I'm not a lost cause (or maybe I am, who cares?!)! Let's make our own little make-shift episode of mutual Intervention & share our stories of struggle over the Internet addiction we for obvz all suffer from! And don't try and deny it and say you have a healthy relationshit with the Internet...pages upon pages of Facebook thread comments, viral YouTube vidz and annoying FarmVille updates really beg to differ!

CLICK HERE FOR DA TEST

Monday Muse of 2010 Showdown!

2010-12-05T18:45:00.009-05:00

Holy nutz! After months y months of voting, we've come so close to picking the Monday Muse of 2010!!! I'm so exciterbiked that I could scream [read as: yawn delicately]! Our five finalists are below and have each pummeled to death the other 34,958 Muses I've featured on my blog this year [side note: that number is a rough estimate aka I just pounded the keyboard]. They are all of the highest caliber of elegance, beauty, hilarity and passion, but only one can be the Justin Timberlake of the group. Who will triumph and who will falter and fail [ala Lance "Asstronaut" Bass, JC Chasez, Joey Fat-One & that other guy who looks like a woodland creature]?

For the next month, we will eliminate one bitch each week. Fight to keep your favo in the competition. Who is your supastar?!

[Click da names below to review]

Yatta
vs
Marcel the Shell
vs
Movie Concessionz
vs
Awesome Toyz
vs
Missy the Cat

Next week, only four of these lovelies will still be standing. One will be dragged to Hell (not in good way). Save your favorite from certain torture!

Jo$hr!co Double Feature!!

2010-12-04T18:28:00.004-05:00

As you know, one of the world's hottest up-and-coming sadtime acoustic guitar strumming duoz is the incomparable Jo$hr!co, who I just happen to be one half of. We combine meloncholy and depression with loneliness and tearz to make a truly original sound unlike anything you've ever heard before!

I know, I know...we're blowing up faster than you can say "You guys aren't blowing up, you've only recorded like, two fucking cover songs that no one on You Tube cared about," but we still remember our rootz. And that's why we are debuting our pair of brand farting new videos on Josh Is Trashy & Hotel Tuesday. RollingStone.com was BEGGING us for the exclusive vid premiere, but since we lurrrrve you bloggy peepz soOoOoOoO much, we declined.

And since Jo$hr!co was snubbed [ala Ke$ha & AbLisa] for this year's Grammy Award for Best New Artist, I guess E. Copterz + I will just have to work exxxtra hard this year to prove to the recording academy that we deserve their golden gramophones!

So please look below for our cover of Kara Dioguardi's [aka the American Idol judge that isn't fat, drugged, British or a lesbanana] ~~non-~~hit single "Terrified"! After that, head on over to Hotel Tuesday for our rendition of Katy Perry's rendition of Fountains of Wayne's "Hackensack."

Monday Muse of 2010 Showdown!

2010-11-30T21:17:00.014-05:00

OMFLIPPIN'GAWDERCOPTERSKATEZ! We are down to the last semi-finalz death match before the nexxxt round in the Monday Muse of 2010 Showdown! Next week we'll take the five top vote-getters from the past month, and dump their azzez down into a lion pit of d00m. Each week we'll eliminate another until we're down to the ONE MUSE TO RULE THEM ALL!

And could one of dis week'z Muses be the champion of 2010?! I DON'T FUCKING KNOW YET! Both of these week's ~~assholes~~ inspirations taught us a great deal about ourselves. One learned us in how to cope with loss and how we should never give up hope (or some shiz like dat). The other gave us a birds & beez lesson in how our sexuality blossoms into importance once we hit puberty [read as: get horny over some douche].

Which one meant the most to YOUR life?! Which can't you live wiffout?! Get ur vote on, ho.

Missy the Cat vs. The Dirrty Little Mermaid

The Monday Muse of September 2010: Missy the Cat - the long lost inspiration to all of our dreamz

The Monday Muse of October 2010: The Dirrty Little Mermaid - the outspoken undersea songstress with a libido that could cut glass

VOTE VOTE VOTE! BANG BANG BANG! (that's me shooting at your hoovez until you get your rump into that election booth)

My Musical ABCs! - L

2010-11-27T16:46:00.005-05:00

Musical ABCs are back! Now the Thanksgiving Day festivities can actually begin! What better way to repay your gratitude and happiness towards the world than by honoring your favorite songz of all time?! Let's lolligag no longer and lay out the lovely tunes that forever linger luxoriously in our mindz forever. Mr. L, list away!

"Last Beautiful Girl" by Matchbox Twenty

"You'll always be everyone else's girl."

We always remember the first band that we fell hardxxxcore in lurrrve with. The first band whose entire catalog is intimately etched into our brain, that no matter how many artists we listen to in our lifetime, will forevz be an important part of our history. For me it's the Goo Goo Dolls and the creator of mah favorite "L" song, Matchbox Twenty.

Big in the '90s on modern rock radio, with a crossover to pop radio when rock stations started playing HaWdEr RaWk, Matchbox Twenty had numerous hit singlez and four multi-platinum albums. They are Grammy nominees and singer/lead songwriter Rob Thomas, has won several awardz for his lyrical werding talentz.

I've often pondered which of MB20's albumz I would consider to be my favorite. And this installment's Musical ABC is one of the major reasonz I always lean towards the band's second album, Mad Season. The song "Last Beautiful Girl" won my heart before I even heard it/got home from the store. I remember picking up the album at the record store, reading the song titles on the back and LOVING THE TITLE to death. I made it my mission to listen to that song first and fall in love.

And I did not disappoint myself! I did fall in love with it. The track is a spiteful and ultimately enpowering kiss-off anthem for any peepz that have been double-kris-krossed by any dumb ex-whorez that they use to date. If you have a bitter break-up with your former significant other, don't cry like a bitch and wedge yourself under your ex's refridgerator ~~like I did once~~, just take a letter opener and gouge the lyrix to this song into the side of their new car!

(please ignore the dumbazz Twilight fuckery that's accompanying the song)

runners-up:

"The Lights and Buzz" by Jack's Mannequin
"Let You Down" by Dave Matthews Band

"Lollipop" by Mika
~~"Love You Down" by INOJ~~

Eat Turkey, Be Merry!

2010-11-25T20:31:00.006-05:00

Hooray! TANXGIVERZ IS HERRE! So okay...it's not my favorite holiday (that's a tie between Christmas + Robert Downey Jr.'s birfday), but I still appreciate it for getting me away from the office and planting my ass down with mis padres and my sisters for an entire day. I got to my parent's house around 9:30 to them putting that p00r bird into the oven...

After chatterboxxxing with my parents for awhile, my one sister Cindy finally woke up right when my other sister Melody arrived at the casa de mis padres wiff her fiance John. We immediately planted our nalgaz onto the couch and proceeded to watch [read as: verbally assault every aspect of] the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade [feat. scurrrry ass floats, a bizarre Kanye West cameo & absolutely obnoxious commentary from that bitch that played Tracy Turnblad in Hairspray on broadway. Marissa Jared Winkmeyer or some shit].

Then we drank some spiked cider, chuggled down wine, and ATE ATE ATE ATE ATE the shiz outta the beautiful foodie spread that my loving parents whipped up. Seriously, my mom & dad churn out Tanxgiverz Dinna like it's nuffin'. It would legit take me prox 2 weekz to like open the cranberry sauce. I gobbled so much grub that my stomach esssssploded and I started to get drag to food hell until my family took my ass to the hospital to pump it clean. Here is a scientific X-Ray of what my stomach looked like:

Then they sucked all that comida outta me and I was sent home to eat a whole other nother serving! MMMMMMM! We ended the night playing tunez for each other via YouTube and watching Christina Aguilera bark about how grrrrreat Burlesque (I'm seeing it tomorrow!) is on Chelsea Lately.

I hope you've had a glorious holiday that was nuffin' @ all like this following video that I found online earlier today when I typed in "Thanksgiving Family Dinner"...

Monday Muse of 2010 Showdown!

2010-11-22T23:38:00.009-05:00

I for serial don't know how you folks can go about your dia to dia lives...I know I am literally glued (ouch) to my computer screen, anxiously awaiting each ~~Tuesday morning~~ Monday for the next round of the Monday Muse of 2010 Showdown!

Both Muses this week helped us keep our cooooool during the asshole hot summer. Now it's your chance to repay them! Did a smorgasborg of derrrriciously cold cocktails help you survive the July swelter or did some nice afternoon conversation help you make it through the August heat?! Let me know...

Make sure your fingers are attached correctly and vote vote vote!

Sandra Lee vs. Marcel the Shell

The Monday Muse of July 2010: Sandra Lee - the queen of culinary clusterfuckery incorporated

The Monday Muse of August 2010: Marcel the Shell - the cutest exoskeleton this side of the Atlantic who will impale your shiz on a brush (if provoked)

::crack, crack:: Okidokerz...Mis dedos are all limber and ready. I hope yours are too! Voting below...

Gonna get their tails wagging...

2010-11-20T18:46:00.005-05:00

What are my two favorite things in the whole world? ~~Complaining about my life & being jellerz of peepz that have more $$$ than myself~~ Pop music & cute animalz...DUH!

And as we're all aware, Katy Perry is the "new queen of pop." And as we also all know, mi gato Baberz and my god-child puppy Penelope are two of the most adorable things in existence. And what is the best way to exxxpress your never-ending love for something?! Singing delicately of your adoration to your loved onez [aka SCREAMING into their ear holez]!

So that's why I am presenting all you bloggy peepz wiff some home videoz of mine where I gush over the animalz in my life that own my heart. Try not to fall TOO in love wiff me. I might have a dreamy voice, but I am a soul-crusher. Trust me!

"Teenage Dream" [feat. Penelope & Mariel]

"Teenage Dream" [feat. Baberz]

Blogger Appreciation...

2010-11-18T20:21:00.007-05:00

...I really deserve it. I mean...I try and post at least tres dias a week, regardless of mah crazzzy work schedule and whether or not I have anything at all decent to fart in your direction. I try and make my blog list roundz at least twice a week and sprinkle derrrriciously thoughtful commentz about. I spend hourz and hourz slaving over my laptop, JUST TO MAKE ALL OF YOU BITCHES ~~like me cuz I am really insecure and your comments really do mean the world to me~~ HAPPY! And what do I get in return?! NOTHING [aka lotz of lurrrve/attention/support]! Goddamn you all the H-E-Double Hockeystix!

Okay...so I am for obz joshing wiff all you beautiful bitchez. I love you all and you're a great audience and tank you, tank you for consistently reading this crapfestival garbage I pollute the interwebz wiff every week.

And since it's largely cuz of you readerz that I am still so dedicated to churning out postz, I wanted to make y'all a little more of a permanent part to Josh Is Trashy. So that's why I am asking all of those who are innnnerested to send me a drawing/picture/Photoshop masterpiece that represents the theme and message of mah little slice of cyber heaven [aka I write like an idiot and bitch about the world, make fun of online shit & talk insessantly about pop culture].

When the new year rollz around, I'ma work on incorporating all the submissionz into permanent residency somewhere on my site. Need an idea of what I'm loooooking for? My sister's fiance John already sent me one:

If you wanna submit...send your glorious artwerx to DIS HERRE EMAIL ADDRESS. MWUAH!

Monday Muse of 2010 Showdown!

2010-11-15T21:07:00.018-05:00

Things are for def def defferz kicking up in the race for Monday Muse of 2010! The outpouring of votez makez me feel like all this time I ~~waste~~ dedicate to mah silly little blog is really worth it. I remember back when no one commented on my shit or even came to my site...you all ::wipes fake tearz away while pretending to cry:: make me feel like the luckiest betch in the world...

...Okay...pull your crapz togethers...you gotz a jerb to do. And that duty is to introduce dis week's competitors.

Both of deez Muses entertained my gringo azz when I was just a tot. They remind me of a simpler time when all I had to worry about was playing wiff mah toyz & watching uneducated loud-mouf strangaz on TV get berated for simply existing.

I hope you ate your Wheaties dis mañana, cuz you're gonna need to concentrate hard and pick which Muse is the better muse...here...they...COOOOOOME!!

Judge Judy vs. Awesome Toyz

The Monday Muse of May 2010: Judge Judy - deliverer of sassy judgement wiff a side of venemous spitfire

The Monday Muse of June 2010: Awesome Toyz (click link for additional vidz) - the building blocks of ur childhood happiness [feat. corruption]

Alrighty, you beautiful sunofa-sunofaz, let's see which how man (or WOman) you really are...can you make dis tuff decision? I don't think so. Oh...what's dat?? You can?! Well...prooove it. Let's see this poll burn-up!

My Musical ABCs! - K

2010-11-14T18:55:00.014-05:00

Here we are folkz! Another round of Musical ABCs! Aren't you foaming @ the mouf with joy?! I know I am ~~but it's largely cuz I gotz myself some ginger cookies con leche~~! Let's try and kick up the kraptastically kruddy komment kount we've had in recent weekz. Keep kalling out your favorite songs that Mr. K startz off for ya!

"Konstantine" by Something Corporate

"I'm slipping in between you and your big dreams."

My choice for dis week's Musical ABC is for deferishonishes the most epic song to be featured in my alphabeta-selectionz. It's prox 32 hourz [read as: 9-10 minz] long & is basically the psuedo-emo pop-punk band Something Corporate's opus. I first heard this painfully depresso espresso tune back when I was a freshman in college, and each line was respectively worn-out as instant messenger away messages.

I love to cry (probably the 439,583rd time I've said this on mah blog) and this song is just one gargutuan tear factory. Start blasting dis shiz and I need three jumbo towels to mop up the lake that forms out of my salty eye waterz. When I started my creative writing minor, I'd listen to SoCo (as the kewl kiddoz call them) all the time, especially "Konstantine." Cuz what better way to write effectively relatable yet endearingly personal werdingz than by listening to a band who specializez in such a songwriting style? I even tried to learn it on the piano. Then I realized that it is waaaaay beyond my capable talentz (largely cuz I don't got no capable talentz).

It's one of mah favo songz ever and is best listened to right after your heart is broken, while you stare @ long-long-ago fotografias of you and your ex-significant other with half a bottle of wine in your gut and enough tissues to clog the San Andreas Fault (trust me...I know from experience). Then you awake from your "Konstantine"-coma, call up your best grrrlfriendz and eat pint after pint of Ben & Jerry's [aka sadness medicine]. Broken heart mended!

runners-up:

"Kids" by MGMT
"Kings and Queens" by 30 Seconds to Mars

"Knock Down Walls" by Tonic
~~"Ken Lee" by Valentina Hasan~~

So like...what's ya sign??

2010-11-11T21:19:00.012-05:00

I've tried to deny it, but I admit that I am full-time believer in ways of astrology. Okay...I don't really put much value on that prediction horoscope fuckery that some peepz swear by (though that doesn't stop me from reading mine in the back of OK! Magazine whenever I'm in the grocery store line). However, the belief that your personality is partially decided based on when you were born during the year is sumfing I buy into.

Think about it! During the year, the Earth is at different orbital levels and shit like gravity or tides or some other nature crap like that all change, and when you're chilling out in your motha's stomach, you could be altered in how your fragile brainz and body are formed.

Oh, I can see you rolling your eyez all over the place...but I recently checked out the Pisces (my sign) page @ Astrology.com and wowza! The description is pretty precise in describing moi!

Let's check out some stated factz about Pisces, and see if this shit really matches up to WhO mAh ReFLeCtIoN sAyz I Am iNsiDE!

"Pisces alternate between reality and non-reality...many people associate pisces with dreams and secrets."

As we all know, I for serialz spend the majority of mah pointless wittle life daydreaming about a grand fantastical world where I am successful, rich, well-loved & famous. Since I highly doubt any of deez adjectivez will actually ever been used in the same sentence as mah name, I really do find myself blankly staring out into space like a dead person while my brainz pulse about with st00pid American Idol fantasies & dramatic Oscar acceptance speechez.

"These folks are selfless, spiritual."

I don't know if I'd really call myself ~~patient enough to be considered~~ religious by any stretch, but I do like to relate to peepz. I do believe in the practice of karma or whatever. I open the door for old bitchez and I compliment whores on their outfitz (if they're slutty enough), cuz who doesn't like to be told that their hot pink gummy bracelets match their smeared lipschtick just right?! In return, I've had people compliment ~~my personality/sense o' humor/charity~~ my shoes and a toddler tell me that my smile "wasn't ugly."

"They're not quite pushovers, but they're certainly sensitive. Yes, they could cry you a river if the circumstances were right."

Yeah...um...duuuuh. I am constantly on the verge of crying. Anything can pretty much set me off. Stubbed toe? Cry. Hard day @ werx? Cry! Cute baby/cat/Penelope? CRY! Pretending I'm okay with it all & acting like there's nuffin' wrong?! CRY!!!!!!!!!!! Shedding tearz ova the good, bad, happy & sad has become so customary en mi vida that I can actually force my ojoz to vomit up salty droplets of sorrow whenever I will them to! It's a great way to get what I want [read as: it doesn't fool anyone and just endz up annoying everyone around me]!

"More relaxation for the Fish comes in the way of sports, specifically water sports."

Okay...mountainz of sorriez to the zodiac king or whoever, but dis right here is so not me in any way dat I'm thinking about forcing mi madre to rebirth me during another zodiac month span (details still being ironed out about how to do this). I suck @ swimming & I blow hard frothy chunks @ playing sports. Combing the two? Probably a water-based death [feat. a lot of pain]. Sportz? Pish...I'll wait till Idol comez back on, tank you berry mucho!

-------------------------------

So that was my astrological analyst. 3 outta 4 facts fit like a glove. Whattayaboutchooo? What's your sign? Check out Astrology.com and let us know if your fruity little star sign matches up wiff who you are as a person!

Monday Muse of 2010 Showdown!

2010-11-09T08:16:00.006-05:00

The Monday Muse of 2010 Showdown! started off like gangbustaz last week! The race was neck y neck between Yatta! & Maxine Swaby. Who won? IIIIII'LL NEEEEVEEEER TEEEELLL (until the first week of Deciembre).

But enough looking into the past...we gotza pay attention to the RIGHT NOW! This week's Monday Muse gladiators both have one thing in common: They're both DERRRICOUS (?)! Popped cornz, candiez, hawt dawgz, ice pops, burnt whale blub. MMMMMM.

There is nuffin' I like more than sitting down for a high-budget thriller [IE I Know Who Killed Me starring La Lohan] with a nice steaming bowl of all of the treatz above and gaining 20 LBs. Actaully, by the end of that movie, my head was sooooo filled with ~~annoyed frustration and boredom~~ the engaging plot twists and the gorg theatrical stylingz of the cast, that my head ESSSPLODED just like this week's whale!

It was quite a mess. But enough about me...it's time to soak-in, study and suit ourselvez up for the voting booth...GO GO GO!

Movie Concessionz vs. The Exploding Whale

The Monday Muse of March 2010: Movie Concessionz- eloquent etiquette teachers who bring the rock and/or roll [read as: violent threats] to the classroom

The Monday Muse of April 2010: The Exploding Whale - aerodynamic sea mammal who owns the night like the 4th of July

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! JUST SCROLL DOWN AND VOTE! HURRY! BEFORE THE JUNK FOOD APOCALYPSE COMES AND ENFLAMED WHALES START CRASHING ONTO OUR SKULLS!

Bloggy Gift Exchange Cyber-Fiesta 2010!!!

2010-11-07T01:29:00.004-04:00

Remember all that ~~forced~~ holiday joy & fun-time magic we all partook in last year with my ingenious Bloggy Gift Exchange Bonanza?! Well, after chatterboxxxing wiff my favorite person ever [aka Michelle McKeesport], I decided that we should try another round of non-denominational secret gifting wiff each other.

I know that all of us have been mad st00pid busy this year what wiff new jerbz, peepz moving + life just constantly getting crazzzier, so I thought that dis might be a nice way for all of us to reconnect and remember how much we lurrrve each other's cyber-companionship!

So if you're innnnerested in partaking in this year's festivities (you're so effing lame if you don't!), then comment on this blog ~~with a reason why you love Josh Is Trashy~~ exxxpressing your desire to participate and either Michelle or I will get in touch in a week or two to give you your surprise gifty amigo. Hooray for holiday wonder!

Pop Star Pride

2010-11-03T21:50:00.024-04:00

Did you have a shetty day today? Did werx get you down? Fight wiff a lurrrved one? Feel under-appreciated? Does your life sometimez seem like a swirlin' toilet bowl of frustration where things always seem just a touch too overwhelming to handle?

I know I've been quite melancholerz lately & I know that what wiff the recent spike in gay suicidez, that a lot of other peepz have been struggling through their livez as well. But what do I turn to when everything else in the world seemz mad effing LAME CITY?! MUSIC!

And luckily for me (and after dis entry, you too), tres of my favorite pop *starz* have recently birfed some feel-good anthemz into the top 40 airwavez and I've found mahself locking down deez three jamz on repeat whenever I find myself in a rough spot. Partly inspired by the plight of da gayz, P!nk, Ke$ha and Katy Perry have given me [feat. the world] some hopeful tunez that inspire a brighter tomorrow and remind us all that WE ARE SOOOO WORTH IT! Check 'em out, PLEASE!:

"Raise Your Glass" - P!nk

Raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways!

Leave it to Alecia Beth Moore [aka P!NK] to make a song honoring all the under-dawgz [feat. dirrty little freakz] of the world. Never backing away from opposition, P!nk's latest top ten single (her 10th!) is an ode to being proud of all your quirky differencez and lurrrving yourself even if you're gay, a different color, overweight, a n3rd festival, a milk cow or whatever it is that peepz try and put you down for being. P!nk wavez all of our fReAk fLaGz high!

"We R Who We R" - Ke$ha

You know we're superstars.

Sure, peepz are saying dis is just another party-drunkathorn from everyone's favorite trashgrrrl, Kesha Sebert [aka KE$HA], but the song (that just debuted @ mothereffing #1 on the Billboard Hot 100!) was written after all those gay teens committed suicide last month. You may not know, but Ke$ha has prox a bajillon gay fans (DURHZ), and da song encourages anyone that feels ostracized to flip da bird to all of dem haterz and then get their nalgaz on the dancefloor.

"Firework" - Katy Perry

Baby, you're a firework. Come on, let your colors burst.

We all fell in lurrrve with summer thanks to "California Gurls." We all fell in lurrrve wiff each other to "Teenage Dream." But it seemz like dis year'z pop queen, Katy Hudson [aka Katy Perry] is now demanding the we LURRVE OURSELVEZ! Don't act like you didn't get all soaky-eyed when the fat cholita jumped in the pool or when the cancer kid smiled. Sheesh...could this song/video make my heart snap/crackle/pop anymore?!

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So folkz...after listening to these hit jamz, do you suddenly feel inspired to take of the world?! If not then you best give them another listen!

Monday Muse of 2010 Showdown!

2010-11-01T21:24:00.000-04:00

Holy nuggetbarz, folkz...can you believe it?! It's been a year & it's time to start the 2nd Annual Monday Muse of 2010 Showdown! Via complex + legit voting procedurez [read as: using PollDaddy], I've sorted through all you bloggy peepz' monthly votes and have your Muses for January-October. Now it's time to wittle that shit down to just one champ who will join the current (and gorg) occupant of the Muse Throne, 2009 winner Stephen the Beautiful on the side on dis dungpile website!

But enough of this st00pid chitchat...let's get to round 1! Dis week, you hoz will have to pick between the Monday Muses of January & February. Only one can be victorious. The other will be forced to listen to Hilary Duff's entire music catalog until their brainz turn to liquid hell and they collapse into a bloody pile on the floor (it happens after about the 4th song).

Here are dis week's combatants:

Yatta vs. Maxine Swaby

Yes...we are starting off with a doozy. Both candidates are musical visionariez, boasting knacks for melody, song structure & composition (just like Grammy Award-winning country-pop superstar Taylor Swift who released her critically acclaimed new album, Speak Now, this past Tuesday!). But which of this singysongsters get your heart throbbing a hummingbird heartbeat? Check out their shiz below and VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE!

The Monday Muse of January 2010: Yatta - delectably decadent advertistastico Japanese hypnojam!

The Monday Muse of February 2010: Maxine Swaby - angel-voiced goddess who harnesses break-neck dance moves & unstoppable high notes!

Come on folkz & vote! There is for serialz nuffin' more important for you to be doing right now. I promise!

My Musical ABCs! - J

2010-10-30T23:11:00.016-04:00

I am so sad! WEEPY FACE CRY POUT! Mah last Musical ABCs garnered only 10 commentz! Are y'all get mad bored?!!? Don't let this ship go down JUST yet! We're not even halfway through the alphabetz yet! Let's shake off the last installments jeering results and jet forward with our juiciest and jazztastic favo songz that begin wiff da letter J! Now even though Mr. J stood for "Jumbled Junk," I'm sure all of your musical choices are anything but garbage-like! Share wiff me!

"Jesus Christ" by Brand New

"My bright is too slight to hold back all my dark."

Funny how last week's Musical ABC was probably the jolliest & most sunshiniest track to probz make my alphabetalist, and this week's entry is most definitely the most depresso espresso of the bunch. "Jesus Christ" by Brand New is one of mah top 3 favorite songs of all time ever (along with my B & soon-to-be-revealed M selections)!

I knew all about Brand New after downloading their first two album via mah college's beautiful peer-2-peer file-sharing network, and while I enjoyed their spunky and oft pensive scream jamz, there were soooo many different artistz I was listening to heavily @ the time, that they always ended up playing 2nd banana to other peepz.

However, that all changed when I got their 3rd disco compacto, The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me. It took mah ass by surprise! No longer just whining and lamenting over st00pid grrrlz that wouldn't get all sexxxytime with them, the material on this album was darker [read as: better], scarier [read as: better] and way more atmospherically jarring [read as: better] than their previous outingz.

And by far the best track on the album is the lyrical masterpiece, "Jesus Christ." It's all about questioning your life's game and reflecting on the validity and value of your spiritual & emotional beliefs. It's kind of like R.E.M.'s "Losing My Religion" only NOT old and much, much sadder [read as: better...do you catch a trend here??]. The werdingz are poetically astonishing and the guitar in the beginning is what I want to play on repeat @ my ~~funeral~~ drunken stripper Jell-O shot party death memorial service.

I suggest listening to it on repeat if you A) Have good taste in music; B) Regularly engage in modern day religious banteringz; or C) Like to have weekly 60-minute cry sessions by yourself & need a soundtrack fitting to the feng shui of your sobfest (ala me).

runners-up:

"Jóga" by Björk

"Jane Says" by Jane's Addiction

"Jamais Vu" by Dredg
~~"Jingle Bell Rock" by Cady Heron, Regina George, Gretchen Wieners & Karen Smith~~

What kind of fuckery are you?!

2010-10-28T20:15:00.029-04:00

Oooooh mah goooooobnezz! We're only a pocketful of dayz away from Helloweeeeen! Are all of y'all shakin' in your bootiez?! SppoooOoOOoOOOOOoky!

Now, as well all know, I don't gotz televisor en mi casa, and during the week when I stay @ Duhvid's, I for usualz don't get around to watching more than total prox 5 hourz of TV a week. And while I for serialz don't really miss rotting my brainz for hourz on end, I am sure that if I did have cable, I'd totez be watching all those marathon seasonal countdownz of the ScArIeSt MoViEz Of aLL TiMe, that every entertainment channel would be airing on repeat.

But since I ain't gon be watching any of that telly, I thought I'd have MY OWN effing list in preparation of the upcoming holiday. So here are some of mah FAVORITE MONSTERZ OF ALL TIME!

Sandwormz

Deez herre babiez will tear your shiz UP [read as: eat your ass whole]. Anyone that ever watched the USA Network in the '90s is no stranger to these creaturez, cuz that station played the movie Tremors like clockwork on the weekend.

If you haven't seen it (you poor, deprived child), lemme explain. Basically Kevin Bacon and some other people who don't really matter live in a desert town that gets attacked by a bunch of overgrown cannibal wormz that chase their nalgaz around for an hour & a half. There...ENTIRE PLOT in one sentence.

These living breathing carnivorous vacuums are not to be effed wiff...they can gobble up AZN shop ownerz faster than I can gobble up (and immediately vom) a bowl of Caramel Cremes!

Cloverfield Monsta

For serial, one of mah favorite thingz of ALL TIME. The monsta from Cloverfield kickz the major azz of Godzilla, King Kong, Snorlax and any other gargantuan creaturez set on terrorizing large populationz of people!

Every time I am strutting myself through Manhattan, I constantly look over the skyline, half ~~expecting~~ hoping to see a Cloverfield monsta come dancing in my direction. CUTE!

And the scariest thing about this plus-size beauty?! He doesn't give a h00t about patriotism! HELL NO HE DIDN'T... yes he did just decapitate the Statue of Liberty and wasn't even like "Oh...whoops," afterwards. He just smashed that shit and then went on to smash MORE shit [aka buildingz, monumentz, people, dreamz]. LOVEZ IT.

Turklez

Yeah. So...yeah. You probably gave your computer screen the same confused look that the little princess gave in the photo above. I mean, sure, Turklez might not be "scary," but he sure is weirder and more uncomferz looking than a regular turkey!

But hey, that didn't stop the d00dz from MGMT from featuring his collapsing cuerpo in their video de musica, "Congratulations"! I finished that vid feeling so depressed with myself, that I watched it 5 more times on repeat (I like being pensive & sad!).

Though the guyz from MGMT are milez more charitable than my ass is. I wouldn't dare touch his decomposing saggy flesh pieces. Not without at least 3 layered pairs of heavy-duty rubber glovez, at least. Hellz, I don't wanna get any of the salmonella that Turklez is peddling. I get enough of that during Tanxgiverz!

Charlize Theron

You must be tinking to yourself, "Um...Josh...you IDIOT. Charlize Theron is a gorg, talented thespian who is the antithesis of a monsta," but since she did play a MONSTER in the movie Monster, I am still gon include her! "But Jooooosh! That was just the NAME of the movie...she actually played a serial killer!" to which I say, CHUT UT, dis herre is my blog and I run deez rules! Now stop your damn hop-scotching & getthehellouttamahyard!

Phew...where were we? OH YEAH. Charlize Theron playz that scary ass woman Aileen Wuomos who was a hitchiking hooker that killed d00dz and stole their cash while making out wiff Christina Ricci or some shit.

She won the Oscar for her performance (WELL DESERVED) and I think her make-up ~~artist~~ magician should have also snagged a statuette, cuz grrrlfriend is fug in this pelicula. AaAaAhhh...the horror of split-endz! Seriously...wow.

Nemesis

As I'm sure you all know...I am a (not-so-)closeted video game n3rd parade. Especially when I was still in school, I would hurry to get all mah st00pid homewerx done, just so I could spend ~~hours~~ days in front of the TV shooting crap & fighting crap & racing crap & RPGing crap & discovering crap out in my precious video gamez!

And one of mah favorite franchisez was Resident Evil (durhz...I was a teen boy wiff a serious streak of gothic morbidity)! They were challenging but I managed to beat a handful of them. However, Resident Evil 3: Nemesis was a hurdle I was never able to jump. A mountain I could never climb. A heart that I could never tame.

And it was mainly because of ~~the god awful controlz!~~ the stud above. The Nemesis was the main villian of the game and from the get-go, would randomly pop up at odd moments and chase your ill-equipped ass around for what felt like hours, until he eventually put your outta ur misery and ended you via a collection of horrible (albeit entertaining) ways.

Mi hermana Melody & tired for weeks to beat this mess of a game, until we ultimately gave up and huddled together in fearful failure and cried ourselves into a coma. Thanks Nemesis!

Oblina

I think I've already ~~wasted your time blathering~~ shared wiff you my childhood OBSESSION with this hot chica above, but aw hell...she deserves anotha round of luving! (ew.) Oblina was 1/3 of every child's favo scaresome trio on Nickelodeon's Aaahh!!! Real Monsters.

Wiff her bigazz lips, candy cane bod and buggy eyez, Oblina was for def def defferz the sexxxiest monster that ever attended the monster academy of mah heart! And not only is she bootiful [read as: WTF are you?!], she's also 10x smarter than all the other artards that went to school with her.

She had dis trick where she'd visit peepz while they slept and massage their brainz through their earholez wiff her finger. Then they'd have nightmares and piss their sheets. WHO DOES THAT?! Oblina, that's who. Respect.

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What about you cholitoz y mamacitaz?! Which monstaz fill your skullz wiff fear and haunt every step you make?! Let's dizzzzzcuss! (Oh, and vampirez, ghosts, zombiez + witches are NOT monsters; they are vampirez, ghosts, zombiez + witches.)

My Monday Muse

2010-10-24T10:28:00.007-04:00

[Okay, so it's the last Monday of the month, which as you all know meanz that it's time to vote for the Monday Muse of October. Blah blah...scroll to the bottom and pick your favorite!

In other newz, dis week's muse is going to be the last new Monday Muse of the year. (Wait...calm your shit down...don't fret and get those dirrty-azz panties out of a knot!) That's cuz it's time to start voting for the Monday Muse of 2010!!!!! Who will follow in the footsteps of last year's glorious throne-holder, Steven the Beautiful?! Check back nexxxt week to start the first round o' voting!]

Nachos, the Cross Eyed Cat

I've never had to go to court. Never for jury duty (fingaz crossed!) and never for any condemnable axxxtionz of my own. There was that car accident that I got unfairly blamed for and I pondered over fighting the ticket, but once I started getting all those propositioning legal aid pamphlets in the mail, I retracted such consideration and just paid the fine off. Fuck dat shiz...

However, if I had dis week's Monday Muse as mah attorney, you know I wouldn't be scared out effing freckle about losing mah case! Just watch:

So what did we learn today about the judicial system of deez Estados Unidos?! We learned that getting in trouble is a major bummer and to avoid anyone cramping your style or laming up your life, you best down a pizza, put on some cool CDz and high-five a guitar legend [feat. shrevident sound effects] before detaching your fucking head and DANCING!

They may seem like stone-cold douchenozzlez [not including the goddess Judge Judy], but judgez really do have quite an appreciate for sexxxual pole-dancing. So if you ever find yourself in a legal jam, just slather up the nearest metal rod wiff some bedazzled Vaseline and run your shiz up and down that thing until they release you of all chargez.

And if all else fails, you can always just bend over and use your tittayz like a broom. Actually, I think you should do that right from the get-go, cuz this place is a DISASTER and I do have some peepz come ova for a birthday pizza party...don't worry, Jeebuz approvez.

----------------------

Who is your Monday Muse of October 2010?!

The Dirrty Little Mermaid?
Dusty Gozongaz?
The "Y U No" Guy?
or
or this week's Nachos the Cross Eyed Cat!?

They call it "Turn-Styling"...

2010-10-22T23:32:00.008-04:00

So sorry I've been slacktastic recently. ~~But since my last Musical ABCs entry produced ABYSMAL resultz, I've fallen into a deep dark bloggy depression tunnel that has been nearly impossible to scratch and claw my way out of~~ But since my work was crazzzy mania da past few days, and what wiff all that music festival bizznezz taking place in NYC all week, I've had barely any time to even do the most essential tingz like bathe, sleep and watch Adult Swim!

But I come to you now, folkz...looking for solace and therapeutic understanding...for I have witnessed an act so disturbing, that not even Polt will be able to joke at the expense of my tarnished virgin ojoz!

While leaving work on Tuesday, I headed down to the usual subway station by my office building and walked to the usual platform to get on the usual train that I take to David's usual apartment. But sumfing was unusual that day.

A crowd of grumblin' New Yorkerz were "ha-rumphing" about in front of the two Metrocard turnstilez and slowly pushing their way through just one of dem. Being the ~~impatient and easily annoyed prick~~ eager and inquisitive young whippersnappa I am, I moved through the messy crowd of peepz to see why the second swipe-entrance wasn't being utilized. And I came face to face wiff dis:

[Artist's note: whorez in above photo are 10x more attractive than the real-life slobz they are depicting]

I've ~~fantasized about having~~ heard some peepz enjoy doing the nasty sausage shuffle in pubic (spelling mistake, but it stayz) placez and that the risk of getting caught is a turn-on or some crap like dat, but isn't this a little exxxtreme?!

While I find cold, dirrty metal [feat. movable partz] to be as comforz as the nexxxt person [aka not comforz @ all], I fail to see the allure of getting all makeyoutey and infiltrating your secret zonez in a public subway turnstile at the end of the workday.

What was even more innnnneresting than the fact that deez two lovebirdz [read as: horndogz] felt the urge to go baby-making in such an odd location, was that no one else in line said a word to them or told them to cut it da shit out or to get a hotel room or whatever. And I was most definitely not going to be the one to demand them to move (though I did worry about all the sexxxy diseases they were ~~getting from~~ slathering all over the poor unsuspecting turnstile)!

Have you folkz ever engaged in intimate naughtiness in outta-da-ordinary locationz? Ever discover a couple in the process of "bread-baking" in something other than a bed?! Share your JuIcIeSt sToRieZ!!!

My Monday Muse

2010-10-18T23:45:00.018-04:00

The "Y U No" Guy

Holy effing shetfartz...am I betraying mah bloggy rootz?! Not only have I cut back my posting regime to three timez a week (maybe if I got more sluttin' commentz, I'd feel more compelled ::winky face smiiiiile::), but I'm now pimping out an offspring of Tumblr as a Monday Muse?!

Where is mah devout allegiance to the vehicle that opened me up to my millionz of fanz (I think there might be ten of you out there)?! Did I exchange ~~a walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage~~ my bloggy d00tiez for the fast-paced, rapid-growing glitz and/or glamour of da Tumblr?!

Da answer is: FUCK NO. Between Twitterz and FacingBookz and dis herrre blogaroni, I don't think I would ever get anything else accomplished if I also had a Tumblr (though I have aggressively flirted wiff the idea). But just cuz it's not really for me, doesn't mean that I don't constantly check other peep's pagez! And tanx to my bestest amigo, Enrico, I came across dis week's Monday Muse! It's the virtual psychologist we all need...telling us what we're all secretly thinking and letting us vent our darkest problemaz!

Click HERE for the "Y U No" Guy's abode, or scroll down for some of mah personal favoritez!

Soooooo true! If someone doesn't answer the phone, I keep on a-ringin' until they do!

Serial...if you try and bolt in front of mah car you better have a pair of dem Icarus shoez laced onto your hooves, cuz I'm gunning for your shit.

The only thing worse than the eternity it ~~feels like it~~ takes to brush one's chopz is that you have to spend money to buy a tube o' toothpaste once every two monthz and an effing brush every three!

Been there. And who of us hasn't??

Um...duh...cuz they can't be tamed.

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So which were your favorite "Y U No" Guy gemz of informacion?! HURRY UP & BE ENLIGHTENED!

My Musical ABCs!...I

2010-10-16T16:11:00.008-04:00

I know...Ms. I is a haaaaaawd letter. There are prox a bajillion songz that begin wiff the word "I." Myself, I have 168 songz that begin with just a lonely "I"! And that's not including every "In," "If," "It" and all the other werdz that begin wiff da vowel! Incredibly indecisive, it can be impossible to intelligently include only a handful of songz that begin wiff dis letter that are better than da rest. But think, think, THINK and decide which tunez are inches higher above the otherz!

"If You Wanna...I Might" by Hellogoodbye

"Sometimes I wish I could be the one fish that you'd choose out of all in the sea."

This is probably the most upbeat and fun song that will make my ABC list. Hellogoodbye are one of those silly, loud, sodapoppy goofball bandz that make music that soundz the way Sour Patch Kids taste. I played the fartz outta their records when I was in college and "If You Wanna...I Might" was totez mah most played jam of theirs!

I made it a point to take advantage of the jogging track that mi universidad had on its campus, and I'd try and go running three-four timez a week. And dis herre jam was for usualz the first tune I'd start blaring to get my azz in gear. The beat is addictive and is purrrrrfecto for the stride in which I gallop! ::trot, trot, trot::

Hellogoodbye came to my college during my sophomore year, but sadly they didn't bust this sugary sweet confectionary pop masterpiece out. But it's aight, cuz the lead singer ~~has got it like dat~~ is a cute n3rd parade and his band puts out musica that violently thrusts mis nalgaz into a happy dancy frame of mind whenever I am feeling especially mopetastic.

runners-up:
"It's For the Best" by Straylight Run

"IRO-Bot" by Coheed & Cambria

"I Loved the Way She Said 'L.A.'" by Spitalfield
~~"I Do (Wanna Get Close To You)" by 3LW feat. P. Diddy & Loon~~

The dog days are...JUST STARTING!

2010-10-13T22:31:00.008-04:00

I've never been a huge dog fan. Not only am I ~~mildly~~ immensley frightened of getting mauled to death by a pitbull/great dane/Cujo, but I'm also opposed to caninez largely cuz most dawg-enthusiasts I know make it a point to venemously spatter non-stop about their hatred for my favorite animal, CATS. Then I spew my dizzgust towards dogs which irritates them in return and then they do it again to me and it turnz into a vicious sick cycle carousel.

But today, ladiez & choloz, I break the cycle! For I have finally found a dog that I can call mah own [aka visit occasionally]. Mah dearest friendz Mariel & Jamie invited me over last week to watch Teen Mom & Glee while partaking in some culinary delacies ala their kitchen.

And while we had a great time together [not feat. the trite, bullshittingly awful episode of Glee], the real highlight of mah visit was finally meeting M & J's adorably pristine pupparoni, Penelope!!!

She's a dachshund (which is my favorite kind of dog!!!!!), and is so sweet and peppy and heart-meltingly precious that I am making the official statement that I no longer hate doggiez! YAY!

To celebrate this breakthrough in my life, here is a video of Penelope being awesome. WARNING: Your eyes might turn to gold...that's how rich her existence will make you feel!

My Monday Muse

2010-10-11T19:59:00.007-04:00

Dusty Gozongaz

Remember the first love of your life? The first person you laid eyez on and had your dumb heart skip a thousand beatz for? The first person who had you at their beck and/or call? Their desires and cravingz were yours to fulfill...they were the center of your world and you were wrapped around their little pinkie finga...

I don't. But for those of us out there that haven't spent an entire weekend listening to La Roux's "Bulletproof" on repeat in a delusional attempt to self-affirm your personal strength (it didn't work...I'm still a wimpy baby), I'm sure you can relate to the feeling of being completely blinded by your love sickness. But even though I'm a cold-hearted icicle prince, when I first caught a gander at dis week's Monday Muse, I must admit that my frozen heart did start to thaw an eensy weensy bit.

Be careful...Dusty Gozongaz should not be taken lightly. Sure, she may seem like the ideal lady what wiff her beauty, grace, style & ~~intelligence~~ breastz, but she isn't actually into you! Heartbreak City, I know...I think she was what Nelly Fartretardo was singing about in dat "Maneater" song.

The main reason I stay away from elegant establishmentz like The Wild, Wild Chest, Crotch Town, Nipple Hut & FunBag Junction is becuz I know the second I see a gorg specimen of the female gender basting her loinz all ova some dirty-ass stage, I will fall in lurrrve, jump the gay fence and empty mah back account into whore pantiez.

Women are a dangerous flock of beingz...they'll take everyting you have and as soon as you're broke as a joke, they'll up & run away and leave you wiff nuffin' but broken dreamz and a baseball bat in your undarooz. Or they'll leap out the window and dance for aliens that are inexplicably shaped like wrenches.

It growz like fancy flowerz.

2010-10-10T16:09:00.006-04:00

Yesterday I got in my car to go drive ~~for an hour just talkin' to the rain~~ to el supermercado. I like to walk around the aisles pretending to buy shiz and imagining how delicioso everything would taste if I had the moolah to afford it! After I spent 20 minutes staring @ an assortment of produce and packaged goodz, I went to leave the store. As I was passing the register area, this one check-out cholita squinted her ojoz inquisitvely @ me, like my face was one of those effing MaGiC EyE posterz that never work.

And when I got to my car and looked in the rearview mirror, I realized why she was glaring @ my puss so intently:

MY DISHEVELED AND UNSTYLED FACIAL HAIRZ!

When I was younger and went through puberty (uggg...), I changed in many ways. But one thing that never kicked in was the sprouting of facial fuzz. I longed for it soooo...I wanted to grow a gorg beard/mustache/goatee/sideburn/taint-tickler and be all handsome and debonair and crap like that.

I went through most of college with nary a follicle adorning my baby-faced mug. Even after I graduated, rando peepz would still inquire about what I was looking to do after high school. GRRRR!

But within the past year & a half, I must have somehow gotten a second shot of testosterone injected into my body, cuz no longer can I go a week wiffout doing the shaving shuffle all over my face (I blame Nueva York). And I've grown to despise it!

Shaving a) hurts [feat. blood specklez]; b) takes too long [aka 1o minz max]; c) makez me look like an infant; & d) dirtiez up the bathroom sink & clogz da drain. But I haven't yet found a look that really fitz me, so...I am imploring you bloggy angel readerz of mine to provide me some guidance. I've created a few hi-tech composite fotografias of some of the most well-known celebrity facial hair stylingz around...

The "Joaquin Phoenix"
aka
The "Because You're Mine, I Won't Shave One Time"

The "Brad Pitt"
aka
The "Curious Case of Billy Goat Clusterfuck"

The "Johnny Depp"
aka
The "Oscar Nomination Axxxtion Hero Fiesta [feat. beadz]"

The "Luigi"
aka
The "Subtle Twinkle-Toes Underdog 1-UP Special"

The "John Waters"
aka
The "I'm Creepy As All Get-Out, So Why Does Josh Find Me Irresistable?!"

The "ZZ Top"
aka
The "Old Rawk Star Wiff Sumfing Rotting In My Beard"

The "Tom Cruise/John Travolta"
aka
The "What Kind of Fuckery Is Dis?!"

-------------------------------

WHICH ONE SUITS ME BEST/DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SUGGESTIONS?

We're covered in lies and that's okay.

2010-10-08T22:55:00.017-04:00

I forget how old I am sometimez. I'm used to everyting being so immediate in mah life...all of my adventures and interestz are supposed to be recent knowledge. But as I pass the 24 and a half yearz mark en mi vida, I'm beginning to realize that there are more and more things from my past that folkz just a few años younger than me have no recollection of.

Por ejemplo: At the restaurant last year I was talking about R&B/Hip-Hop sensation TLC (RIP Left Eye!), and a co-worker who was five yearz mah junior, was all lyke "WTF is TLC?! Da Learning Channel?!" Then I punched her in the teefz [read as: sang "No Scrubs" repeatedly for 45 minutez].

I went home that day utterly perplexxxed @ dis chica's ignorance, until I realized that it wasn't she who was miseducated. It was I who was getting old as fuck! Then I started looking through all mah albumz and came across a collection of bandz from the '90s/'00s that were **superstarz** back in mah youth, but have since fallen into obscurity. My heart goez out to Third Eye Blind, Counting Crows, Everclear, Collective Soul & many otherz who hit it big for a few yearz only to fall into the shitter later. I then came across one of my most played CDs from yesteryear...Vertical Horizon's Everything You Want!

They had a trio of hitz that will forever be burned into my memory. They were tap-dancin' all ova the Billboard charts and their hugest hit "Everything You Want" actually peaked @ #1 in 2000 (holy nutz, that's a DECADE ago)! But after this success, all their subesquent albumz sank like the Titanic and they disappeared faster than audience memberz during a screening on I Know Who Killed Me.

So to honor Vertical Horizon and all the other hasbeen bands that I still get all nostalgic and weeptastic over, I thought I'd risk mah life wiff another negligent round of car karaoke. ENJOY!

"You're a God"

"Everything You Want"

My Monday Muse

2010-10-04T21:25:00.000-04:00

The Dirrty Little Mermaid

Sex is cool. I mean, I like doing it and orgasmz are pretty sweet, but most of the time I feel out of synch with 99% of the male population cuz in all honesty, getting azz is not the end-all-be-all of mah vida.

However, I say dis from the perspective of a chico that's already done the mattress tango. I recall being a teenager and tinking of nuffin' but getting mah rox off [ala Ke$ha], so I can totally relate to dis week's Monday Muse:

Awww....remember those confusing teenage añoz when you'd collect rusty old cutlery and hide it under your pillow for those especially frisky nightz? Remember wishing you could spend the day warm wiff a p33n? Remember browsing through your dad's/mom's porno collection and being more than just a little bit confused by all the slimy flesh pretzels you discovered within? Remember pondering over the enticing possibilities that a world of prostitution could offer (or was that just me?!)?

Now think how awful it would have been if all of this wishing/hoping/thinking/praying/planning/dreaming led to nuffin', cuz you were born a fucking mermaid that is all stinky scale mania up in your private business instead of a glittery p33n or glossy vageen! You'd never experience the magic and wonder [read as: crippling rapage of your delicate innocence] of sexual intercourse!

I feel for you, Dirrty Little Mermaid. But just remember, might be butta off staying celibate your whole vida. Cuz if you have sex and some creep'z trouser chowder getz near ya, you will get pregnant AND die.

My Musical ABCs! - H

2010-10-03T11:29:00.009-04:00

Hooray! I hope you're all happily hopping in your computer chairs hoping to have a hum-dinger hi-howdy adventure on mah blog today. If you couldn't tell from my desperate/pitiful attempt to use a bunch of H-words in one sentence, it's time for everyone to share their favo songz that feature the sick-looking Mr. H!

"Hotel Paper" by Michelle Branch

"You turned out to be more than a bargained for."

She was the proverbial key too all of mah lonely/angry/melancholy/infinitely sad high school emotionz. When I first came across Michelle Branch, I felt "Damn...finally someone understandz how mean & twisted boiz are and how love is da center of all misery and pain." Sure, I was just a 16-year-old closet case wiff an affinity for crushing on hot st8 d00dz [note: not actually hot now that I reflect on them] and letting my heart be bruised seven timez a minute by ever little ting that farted mah way.

After I would cry my way through school, I'd gallop home, throw my weepy ass onto my bed and blast M. Branch while scribblin' her werdingz all over my notebookz imagining myself singing one of her numerous hopelessly romantic balladz to all ThE GuyZ wHo DiD mE WrONg In Da pAsT. Then I'd forget to do my homework, fail all my classes and then be depressed about that as well! YAY!

So Michelle Branch was kind of like a third older sister for me. Always there to relay to me her own personal stories of lost innocence, virginal desirez and other girly crap like dat. The day she released her second album, Hotel Paper, mi amiga Laura & I sprinted outta skool when the bell rang and raced on over to Best Buy. We went up to the register wiff 4 copiez of the album - one for each of us and the other two for friends with upcoming birfdayz - and giggled like schizophrenic hyenas when the check-out cholita gave us the stinkeye.

That entire album [sans a really mediocre duet with burnt-voiced Sheryl Crow aka one of mah least favorite singers of all time] is epic to me and the title track is especially poignant. It's all about being on the road and suffering through an endless case of the sadz and lurrrving d00dz that don't lurrve you back. HEARTBREAK = LOVEZ IT.

I went through a phase where i was absolutely convinced that once I turned 18, I was gonna get some song lyrix inked onto my bod. And I had planned to [read as: dreamt about wiff no real intentionz of committing to] get a line from dis herre song permanently jotted onto my wrist: "I lie lonely surrounded by you." But then I came up with a list of 58,923,536 other songs I just had to have tatted on me and since I am not as attractive as Mr. P!nk [aka Carey Hart], I decided to drop the whole idea.

But I haven't dropped Michelle Branch from mah vida altogether! I am anxxxiously awaiting new music from her and very well might shrivel up y die if she doesn't get a new album out SOOOOOOOON! The wee little sad puppy teenager inside me NEEDZ IT!

runners-up:
"Here Is Gone" by Goo Goo Dolls

"Hedgehog's Dilemma" by The Postman Syndrome

"Hangman" by Motion City Soundtrack
~~"Hit 'Em Up Style (Oops!)" by Blu Cantrell~~

I'll be your teenage dream?

2010-09-30T00:48:00.010-04:00

Right behind being poked by ugo pervy strangerz, exez stalking your shit & drowning in a tidal wave of Farmville updatez, the most terrifying thing that all of us Facebook userz worry about on a daily basis is the unexpected and dreaded tagging of unflattering photos of ourselvez from back during our ~~uglier~~ younger yearz. It can happen @ any moment and takez no prisoners.

And you're stuck...if you keep yourself tagged, you have to live with your cyberself being forever marred by your adolescent awkwardness. If you de-tag yourself, you're a party pooping wuss that takez yourself way too supa serial. I was torn...I was all out of faith. Yeah that was how I felt when mi amiga de high school, Jordan, posted some old skool photoz of me online.

I might have had joy and had fun and had seasonz in da sun, but I for def def defferz looked like a burnt pile of trash most of the time during high school. And after I picked mis nalgaz off of the floor and wiped the resentful tearz from my eyez, I started looking through my personal photo collection from the olden yearz [read as: 6 años ago], and found the following picture of myself [feat. my friend Val's mom in the background! YAY PAULA!] from my high school graduation:

Aside from the immense pride I feel from having been able to wear the same shirt for both mah high school AND college graduation, I must admit that I don't think there is a single photo of my sourpuss in existence where I look happier than I do in dis photo right herre. I got all philosophical and held the pictura up to the mirror and spent half an hour analyzing the wayz in which my face had changed (HINT: It got meaner, more corrupted + the bagz unda mis ojoz have doubled in size).

After I convinced myself to deglue my gaze from the mirror, I thought it would be cool to ask all you bloggy folkz to post photos of yourselves back when you were silly little school chillunz. So post a link to an ole-timey photo in the comment's section and let's all share and le sigh over how youthful and pure we once looked...

My Monday Muse

2010-09-27T22:10:00.010-04:00

[September is as a whole, everyone's least favorite month. Skool startz, the sun goez away and we all start to worry about going bankrupt during the impending moneysuck holiday trio of Helloween, Tanxgiverz & Xtinamas. So the battle of The Monday Muse of September 2010 is a very heated one. Scroll to the bottom of dis herre entry and vote for the Muse that helped you survive the stinkin' donkey pile that is the month of September.]

Birthday Pizza Party!!

Yeah, yeah. You see the picture above and the name of dis week's muse, and you're probz all like "how is a pizza party Monday Muse-worthy?!" And I understand completely.

I mean, growing up, it's almost mandatory to have at least one fiesta wiff some of your bestest school budz where you stay up till 10PM (totez past your bedtime), eating ice cream and pizza and watching sCaRy moviez [read as: tame shit like The Sixth Sense] or PsUedO-NauGHtEeE comediez [read as: st00pid shit like Austin Powers: International Douchebag of WhoGivezaFuck].

Then your friendz would give you cheap junk from their closet as a present and you would not even care cuz OmFGAwD Mom just walked in wiff a tray of rootbeer floats!!! ::happiness esssplosion::

I had mah obligatory birfday shindig at a Romp-a-Round, which is basically like Chuck E. Cheese only you don't get mugged/killed if you give someone the stink-eye. I remember chasing my friendz through slidez and ball pits and mazez. It was a blast until I ran head-first into a padded pole (though not padded enough) and knocked my dumbazz out.

Aaaah. Those were the days. But I've become distracted. Though we all think we know the ins & outz of childhood birfday celebrations, we really need to chut our gobz, and take a gander @ a REAL pizza party...

I am designing mah 25th birthday hoedown, color-by-numberz, by dis herre crazzziness! Dis clip from Mary-Kate & Ashley's Insane Hallucinogenic Birthday Fuckery is more or less a guide to planning the purrrfect annual celebration of the day you rocketed outta your mother and blessed the world with your nalgaz.

The 10 thingz you neeeeeeeed, if you want your nexxxt birthday party to not suck:

1. Enough frosting flowerz to induce a diabetic coma.

2. Menacing background chant anthemz.

3. An abused slave dawg.

4. An icebox large enough to hold every possible food in the entire world.

5. The three ugliest grrrlz that go to your skool.

6. Racism = black chica + fried chicken

7. The spelling skills of a 2nd grader to spell out PIZZA repeatedly (sorry, Fantasia).

8. Whipped cream pouring like waterfallz.

9. Some sicko rando shiz [i.e. a whole fish, chicken tongue and human eyeballs].

10. Chocolate sauce [feat. spreading it slooooooooow].

Make sure all this chaos is @ your birthday party and you will be sure to have the single greatest fiesta de cumpleaños of all time. Those Sweet Sixteen whorez won't have an ice cube's chance in hell in besting your jubilee!

----------------------

Who is your Monday Muse of September 2010?!

Missy the Cat?
AbLisa?
The Toilet Tiger Family?
or
or this week's Birthday Pizza Party!!?

Costume Query

2010-09-26T14:34:00.008-04:00

Sorry I haven't blogged in about a week! What wiff working, trying to maintain some sort of social life & desperately attempting to fend off some sickernezz, I've had little time to dedicate to this preciouz fartpile of mine on da Interwebz. But I come to you folkz today with a very important entry. One that could very well ~~mean nuffin' to anyone~~ change the future of humanity as we know it...WHAT THE SHET AM I GONNA DRESS MAH AZZ UP AS FOR HELLOWEEN?!?!?!?!?

There are three roadz I could travel down in regards to costuming choicez. I shall exhibit these to you folkz along with exxxamplez of each, and I leave it up to your exquisitely astute and well-traveled [read as: depraved & likely disturbed] pointz o' view to tell me what look you think lookz da best on me.

1. ~~Boring~~ Traditional Costume Mainstayz

I could abandon all creativity and squeeze my fanny into some generic cop-out lame-o costumez that show nothing of my personality (I have one, right?) or style. Upside, though, this shit is e-z to make or find cheap at dolla storez, and since I am a frugalmeister, I might just opt for holiday disappointment and be a...

...~~Elphaba~~ stupid witch...

...or an uninspired ghosty...

...or a run-of-the-mill vampire [aka a blood-sucker not affiliated with that Twilight, True Blood, Vampire Diariez fuckery].

2. Slutty Remixez of Normal Costumez

Maybe I'll abandon any of mah moral standingz (don't laugh, please) and staple some see-through swatchez of fabric to my privatez and cavort about as a sexxxyskatez prostitute. I could be a...

...buoyantly brain-dead baseball supastar (since I lurrrve promiscuity/sportz so much)...

...or a well-respected ~~hussy~~ police officer...

...or a purrtastic sleezy pussycat.

3. Piss-Poor Celebrity Impersonationz

You know you're a big cheese when peepz start dressing up as your doppelganger for Helloween. And since I do pride myself in knowing more about popular culture than one person should, maybe I should swan-dive into my imagination and become someone famoso like...

...The Situation from Jersey Shore (since I'm not self-concious just taking my shirt off @ da beach)...

...or Woody from Toy Story 3 (cuz little kidz don't constantly peeve me off)...

...or Katy Perry (DUH).

--------------------------

So whatchutink folkz? I need your wise guidance! What do you think I should be? What will make me a HalloWINNER instead of a HalloWEENIE?! If you don't give me any input, I'm just gonna party in what I am wearing today...

...LAZY PUMPKIN [feat. bedhead].

(oh...and no one suggest I dress up in any outfitz made out of butchered meatz. For serial, I'm not that obnoxious.)

My Monday Muse

2010-09-20T21:38:00.010-04:00

The Toilet Tiger Family

Potty-training a kid must be one of the most unpleasant parts of being a parent. First of, poop & pee are absolutely dizzzzgusting. Secondly, teaching people how to do anything is boring and tedious and not fun. Thirdly, you get arrested for slapping your child if they don't do it right the first time, and then you get sexually abused in jail and your life is ruined.

So therefor, when I finally decide to ~~bring a bundle of glowing beautiful precious joy into the world~~ kidnap a baby from a hospital for ransom, I will skip the whole potty-training hell no-fun part of the jerb, and just sit their azz down in front of deez herrre videos:

After watching dis informational learning aid [read as: disorienting frightfest], I know my little cucarachaz (that's the cute pet name I'ma use for my non-existent future demon spawn), will never soil their pantaloonz EVER. If their bucketz start a-wailin', they will know now to jet their special partz on over to a pisspot and drain their water reservoir for all it's worth.

They also will know that when it's time to take a dumpathon, they best have their bums firmly planted over the porcelain seat before they start to do their biiiizzzzznezzzzzz. I don't wanna see a single effing stain on any of their pantz...cuz I can't be jetting on over to Target [read as: Goodwill] every other day to buy them replacement pantalonez!

I just hope that my future babalooonz won't be disappointed when they use the toilet and I don't jump outta nowhere and start singing some dumbfuck jingle to them in congratulatory joyousness. Pish...I don't do song 'n' dance numberz for free, even if you are my ~~brat~~ child!

And I also hope they don't expect their scat and pizz to smile and talk to them like these hallucinating tigerz say they do. Nuffin has ever dropped outta my body that had a face and I pray to da Lawd dat nothing ever doez!

Seriously Japan, WTF?!

This wind blowing in just came from the ocean.

2010-09-19T14:08:00.006-04:00

Nueva York & its residents have a lot of shiz to deal wiff. High crime, pollution, terrorism, bed bugz, over-sized marshmallow men, hurricanez, rude people, having their asses killed via high-budget Hollywood disaster flicks (and within the year, ME living there!)...New York doesn't seem to get much of a break. That's why I have to take a moment to flip the bird 3 times up @ Mother Nature's st00pid puss for forcing NYC to have to deal with sumfing it usually never has to worry over: TORNADOES.

Last week, while on one of the upper levelz of the office building I work at in Brooklez, the sky became overcast and it started raining gatoz y perroz. Within five minutez, a co-worker ushered us all to a large window in her office and we watched ~~in awe~~ in utter fucking horror as a huge storm front started blanketing Brooklyn in misery cloudz!

The windowz began to shake violently and then God began to chuck baseballz of ice down on top of us. We all cowered under our deskz and counted our blessingz [read as: shrugged our shoulderz and went back to work]. Then just 15 minutez after it began, the storm ended. I didn't find out till later that a goddamn tornado touched down in Brooklyn, destroying property ripping up treez & even killing one person!

When I was younger, I was obsessed but absolutely traumitzed by the movie Twister and I would relentlessly badger my sister Melody (who shared a room with me) whenever a storm would hit, thinking for sure I would get my azz sucked up into a cyclone. I'm still of a nervous mental state when it comez to that shit, so I beg of you, douchebitch Mother Nature, keep that crap in the midwest where it belongz. Geeeebz!

Want to see the aftermath of the storm?! Crazy shit...check out deez fotographiaz of all the damage. Have any of you bloggy readerz come face-to-face with a twister? Was it the scariest moment of your life?! Share your trauma with us!

My Musical ABCs - G!

2010-09-16T22:12:00.015-04:00

Good golly! Our last installment of Musical ABCs was such a grand & gorgeous go-getting adventure that I am sure you're all going ~~Lady~~ gaga a googleplex number of timez in anticipation for the nexxxt gratifyingly ganderific entry! Let's get ourz groooooovez on gallivanting for our favo songz dat begin wiff ~~Mr. G~~

"Glitter in the Air" by P!nk

"Have you ever wished for an endless night, to lasso the moon and the stars and pull that rope tight?"

What can I say that I haven't already said before? As my favorite singer of all time, there is very little P!nk could do (not including one specific monotonous dance anthem that doesn't show of her talent & the one specific corny-to-the-point-of-physical-pain woeful ballad) to make me feel anything but a blinding adoration, rezzzpect & love for her.

Therefor it should come as no surprise to all you faithfully derrriciouz bloggy peepz that P!nk would nab one of mah Musical ABCs. If we back track two letterz ago to E, you'll remember that I went through a difficult relationshit and breakup that left me cold & ashamed, lying nakerz on da floor.

Well, before the break-up and back when I still plump wiff delusionz and I thought that mi ex-novio y yo could sort out our infinite problemz, I would play P!nk's "Glitter In the Air" on repeat. As the closing track to the brilliant Grammy-nominated (AND ROBBED) album Funhouse, the song poses a bunch of pensive and nostalgic preguntaz to the listener. And anyone that is a hypersensitive puffball of emotional nervez will know that dis herre is one of the best songs to listen to on repeat and cry to!

The bridge of the song is one of the main reasonz I started drinking coffee...just so I too could sit in my garden and watch my sexxxy & tattooed hubby walk towards me, clutching it, caaaaalliiiiing meeeeee "Sugaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar"! Sigh...a ~~weepy crybaby douchenozzle~~ a boy can dream, can't he?

Now enjoy the outstanding Alecia Beth Moore's flawlessly brillz live Grammy performance (no, she did not lipsynch. Spare me having to set you on fire and don't even bother saying she did):

runners-up:
"The Great Gig In the Sky" by Pink Floyd
"Girl From the Gutter" by Kina
"Ghost of a Good Thing" by Dashboard Confessional
~~"Gotta Tell You" by Samantha Mumba~~

My [Belated] Monday Muse

2010-09-14T21:59:00.006-04:00

AbLisa

Destiny's Child, The Pussycat Dolls, TLC, 3LW, The Dreams...seems like girl pop groupz always have their fair mess of bullshiz to sludge through. Hoz be gettin' mad when the main slut is given all the attention or there are "creative differencez" within the group which I think is just an excuse they give when peepz just start to hate each other.

It's mad suxxorz when groups break-up, especially when they have so much potential. When I found out Eden's Crush wasn't going to release a 2nd album I pretty much ~~felt indifferent~~ was crushed worse than a chair under THIS guy's nalgaz. So that's why I watch/mourn this week's ~~Tuesday~~ Monday Muse with a fountain of frosty tearz in my st00pid eyez.

Sigh...think of all the Grammys grrrlfriendz aren't going to win! With that full-fisted FALCON PUUUUUUUUUNCH, my hopes of one day seeing a Behind the Music: AbLisa have been dashed & cremated!

And it's all tanx to ~~their asshole voices that are reminiscent of old people clearing their throats~~ that Lisa bitch! Abby (the chica with the fake cran-razzberry pelo) is my heroine for smashing her porkrind loving (ex)friend in the braces! Just take a gander at Abby's puss every time Lisa did sumfing artarded.

She's thinking to herself:

a) Why is it that the first bloody thing you do when you march your buttered thighz on stage is call Judge Louis a d.i.n.o.$.a.u.r.?!

b) Why the shit did you say I was your cousin, and then reiterate and say that it's actually your sister who is my cousin, which would still make me your cousin, WHICH I'M NOT?!?

c) Last time I checked, you weren't goddamn Kelly Osbourne, and until you are, you best not be telling anything other than your own pregnant reflection to "shut up."

d) Of course we care what the audience's earholez are tinking. That's why we came on this show, twat.

e) HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THE VALIDITY OF AUSTRALIAN SOAP OPERA ACTRESS AND RECORDING STAR (and Josh's teenage idol) NATALIE IMBRUGLIA!!!!!!

Pish...dat ho deserve a firm jowl-slap. Sure, AbLisa may not be the next t.A.T.u., M2m or Jo$hr!co, but I say Abby strikez out on her own, throwz caution (and good vocalz) to the wind and becomez the next Diana Ross, Kelly Rowland or Nicole Scherzingereringerfdsherkg. Go for the starz girl. GOOOOO!

Music Video Vault

2010-09-12T14:42:00.005-04:00

The Bloodhound Gang - "The Bad Touch"

WHAT'S THE DEAL?: One-hit wonders are seriously the bread to mah pop culture ~~butter~~ ghee. To be able to spout off names like Samantha Mumba, Willa Ford, soulDecision, Lou Bega & Debelah Morgan to the sounds of crickets/disinterested peepz forced into talking to me is frrrealz one of the biggest joyz en mi vida.

This installment of the Music Video Vault highlights one of those bands that hit the musical jackpot and then fell off the face of the Earth. Joining the douchebaggy rankz of Len, Sisqo & The Baha Men, I give you The Bloodhound Gang.

Sure, I could visit Wikipedia and fart out all these facts about the group and their discography, but since my life is sOoOoOoOoOoO effing busy [read as: I'm mad lazzzybonez today], lemme just cut to the chase. Back when MTV's Total Request Live was the single most important asset to every tw33n's life (yes, I am guilty as charged), a video premiered one day that left a funny taste in all of our innocent wittle moufz. It was "The Bad Touch."

The song came from the album Hooray For Boobies which had THIS as an album cover when it should have been THIS instead. The song tasted foul, foreign & frightening ~~just like jizz~~ and all the cool [aka demented] kidz like myself made sure to study it and learn all the lyrix. Sex available in an easy to sing, easy to remember hook shooter with a dose of explicit content and a spoonful of parental disapproval? You gotz ur azzez a hit.

The prococious little ditty captured the heart of ~~America~~ every fat drunk frat guy who would belch out its wordingz as though it was the motherfucking Ten Commandments. After the song's popular weened, the Bloodhound gang released a failed follow-up single that was about a drug-addicted Pac-Man or some shit, and then a disc that became one of the worst reviewed albums of all time albeit having one of the sexxxiest album covers ever printed.

But now let's go back to the sexxxually perverted magic that was "The Bad Touch":

VIDEO SYNOPSIS: A clan of horned-up ~~furriez~~ monkeyz go around terrorizing Paris, France wiff their hot shit dance movez (yeah, I've serial stolen deez stepz for when I go clubbin') and geniuz poetic stylingz: "Please turn me on, I'm Mr. Coffee with an automatic drip," & "I want you smothered, want you covered like my waffle house hash browns," are some modern day Shakespeare shit...don't act like it didn't get your motor running!

Deez d00dz may seem like sexual deviants looking to fluff out the pure beauty of Paris worse than Quagmire humping the Eiffel Tower, but that's not The Bloodhound Gang's intention at all!

Look who they kidnap: some dolled-up sluts, some gays, some fattoz & a midget. Isn't it obvious?! They just wanted to put together a song & dance pop group [see: *NSync for the classifications of boy band hearthrobs].

After they torture all dem peepz in a quite deep and introspective man vs. the wild role reversal (thought-provoking, I know), they set all their asses up and rehearse dance movez that would make Jessica Simpson's eye holes water in envy.

Then the midget dies at the end ~~because he lookz different from everyone else~~ because he tried to disrupt the synchronized danceathon. Pish...he deserved it.

POINTS OF MENTION:

:09 - Why the hell didn't they show my middle school Health class that nature video instead of that dumbo Power Point presentation of STDs?! I might have actually learned sumfing and not slept through the entire semester!

:14 - Weird I find the kicking, goateed monkey cute?!

:46 - Why are dem French bakers so turned on by a boring old croissant? Aren't you the choloz that MAKE the croissants? Are you sick to death of them after decades of churning them out everyday?!

1:14 & 1:28: Lovez that old lady! Too bad she's probably dead by now.

1:36: Annoying gayz!

1:44: YAY! Mr. Mime makez an appearance!

3:25: So much spanking/thrusting...don't act like your juices aren't percolating @ the sight of it.

3:56: I bet you'll think twice about jay-walking nexxxt time!

THE CONCLUSION: The Bloodhound Gang taught me everything I need to know about sexxx [aka force people to do schtuff you want them to do and then kill them]. They also have totally scarred my innocent perception of primatez while additionally freaking out the old ho that's sitting behind me @ the coffee shop who is looking over my shoulder right as we speak...YES YOU, STOP WATCHING ME.

There we go...she's gone. Anywho, I hope you learned a lot about lurrrve and lurrrve-making! Just make sure to wrap dem booster shotz up in saran wrap so no one gets preggerz or STDed!

My hands float up above me.

2010-09-08T20:45:00.000-04:00

I only write about the things that interest me and avoid topicz that put me to sleep. Thus why the majority of mah blog postz revolve around pop culture, bookz & dumbazz YouTube videoz, and why politics, social issues & religion nary make an appearance. But after going through some heavy, tragic schtuff earlier this summer, I've found myself thinking a lot about the latter of those three usually-snorefest subjectz.

Religion has always been sumfing I've been aware of, but never cared enough about to ponder over. Everyone always wants to blab about it, warz are fought over it and people base their entire livez off of it, but I've always been deaf to it. The way I see it, I don't subscribe to any specific beliefs, but still respect (and somewhat admire) those that devotedly believe in their faith. However (just like A Perfect Circle), I roll my eyez a thousand timez @ peepz that blindly follow religion like an obligation.

I don't judge peepz that want to go to church, or study this religion or practice that religion, but I would hope that their hearts are fully committed, and it's not just sumfing they routinely slug off to like a familial tradition they secretly wish they could give up to. And I hope that they wouldn't judge me for not goin' to church, but instead watching an entire season of The Simple Life in one seating while taking Fla.Vor.Ice shooterz in mah underooz.

After losing a friend earlier dis summer, I started thinking about faith and I found myself listening to "All Around Me" by Flyleaf & "Alive" by P.O.D. on repeat. Both are Christian hard rawk bandz and while the songz are obviously focused on Mr. Christ, I still got some personal resolution from them. I found myself taking their messages of gratitude and perseverance and injecting it into my own life, without getting that awkward "I'm not religious but some major God fanatic is lecturing me about sin and heaven and hell and trippy naked winged-babies"-kind of feeling.

What about you folkz? Do you have a specific creed? If so, what does it bring to your life? If not, what is your opinion on organized (or unorganized) religion?!

My Monday Muse

2010-09-06T16:14:00.011-04:00

Missy the Cat

You know, today I'm feelin' a little outta control. For the first time since I snorted dis blog outta my brain, I'm going to make this week's Monday Muse not the usually inspirational [read as: absurdly st00pid] video. Yes, you will have to do some reading...QUIT YO BITCHINZ'. If you click photo below, you will learn about an exxxtra special feline; a cat that launched the greatest email thread the world has ever seen. Lemme hear your clickity click click clicks...

When I was a little sprout, I had a cat that looked a lot like Missy, and he too ran away (OoOoHh WhY dId I LeAvE tHE DoOoOoOOr oPeN?!!). I tried to make posterz to hang around town, but to avoid me embarrassing the entire family, mis padres didn't let me post my crappy cry for help anywhere other than the refridgerator door.

My gato, Spot, never did come back to us and I largely blame the fact that email wasn't mainstream & popular yet and that I couldn't cyberstalk a designer to make rescue posterz for me! I'm sure if this d00d had been around, I would've been reunited con Spot and we could get back on the track we were before of overfeeding him to death.

I don't get why Ms. CrankyPants CatOwner wasn't please with the designer's creationz. If I could have had Spot's puss pasted all over town like a movie poster, I know peepz would see it and ~~become confused and thus ignore it~~ start a rally to find mah precious kitty!

And WTF @ her scoffing over the $2,000 reward! Bitch, if you really loved your cat (cuz I'm sure it's her only amigo in the entire world), you'd shell out the dough and throw in a lapdance as a special bonus to ~~Enrique Igelsias~~ the hero that found it for you!

For serial, the designer had the key to your cat's safety, and you quibble over money/design/the wrong cat being on the poster. UN. GRATE. FUL.