Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Up in da gym just werking on mah fitness...

So it is the beginning of February. And you know what that meanz?! My birfday is in less than 27 days! What else? That there's only a week and a half until Valentine's Day where couples annoy the hell outta me by flaunting their lurrrve and singlez annoy the hell outta me by whining about how they're alone. What else?!?! How about that the beginning of February 2011 marks the end of my free January trial at the New York Sportz Club!!!!!!!

As some of you may know, David Pastelneoncake is an exercise-aholic. He goes every day and does a bajillion push-upz every night before going to sleep. And being such a fan of physical activity, he drop-kicked mah azz into a 30 gym membership. And what can I say...I LOVED IT!!!

It's mah goal to get thinner for attention more toned & in-shape so casting agents and model scoutz attack me on the subway and give me money to become famous. And the only way to do that is to go to the gym 3+ timez a week. Not only did I learn just how weak I really am (my upper body strength falls somewhere between that of a baby and an armless amputee), but I also was able to do some preliminary exercises and actually started seeing some resultz!

And to all those naysayers that pishposh all ova the gym, I thought I'd share wiff y'all some of the great tingz I learned after my 30-day gym fun time membership festival!

Muscle Men Aren't Mean Judgemental Assholez After All!

Tanx to a potent combination of television and ridicule by the asshole jockz of mah high school yearz, I always feared joining a gym and then being mocked mercilessly by all the beef jerkying chowda headz [read as: guyz that work out a lot].

However, turnz out that gym ratz are not in fact douchebagz, but actually nice people! One even offered to teach me how to work this confusing Rubik's Cube of a work-out machine when he noticed me blinking in wonder at it. NICE!

Hand-Sanitizer Is the Greatest Thing On Earth

I like to think of myself as a reasonably clean person. I mean, I always scrub my mitts and dispose of dirrty tissuez when I am done snotting into them. But cleanliness has taken on a WHOLE new meaning for me since I started going to the gym! Nearly every surface at the gym more or less glistens in a not so subtle layer of perspiration.

And while that might be vileplume, the gym is sure to place an industrial-sized barrel of hand-sanitizer every 5 feet to ensure constant cleanliness. Sure, that translucent alcohol-based soap-substitute might dry the fuzz outta my hands, but dammit if they don't reek of spic-n-span tidiness!

Wheel Of Fortune
Is Everyone's Favorite TV Show

There is a limitless number of showz on television to choose from. Want to watch crappy people sing poorly? Watch American Idol. Want to watch autotuned stereotypes sing well? Watch Glee. Want to feel better about your low IQ? Watch Kendra. Want to watch expertly written dark comedies that a plump with emotion and still a juicy amount of humor? Watch & The Big C & United States of Tara. Want to watch a boring crime investigation show? Watch any CSI: Special Butthole Unit.

But outta all deez choicez...what is the #1 show peepz watch while burning off their thigh fat via stationary biking? Wheel of Fucking Fortune. I especially love the people that play along and start showing out answerz [feat. immediately looking around feeling embarrassed when they remember they are in a public location].

Being Nakerz In Front Of Strangers Is Less Awkward Than Being Nakerz In Front of People You Know

What I hated most about high school gym was how we were forced to strip down to our undarooz in front of all of our better-built p33rz. I was so against stripping in front of all those assholez, that I actually would try and wear sweatpants [feat. my gym shorts underneath] to school on the days when we had gym instead of Health class.

But maybe it's the fact that I've gained confirned (thanks largely to the fact that all the teaserz and rude boys that made fun of me in high school are now all pudgy and working at gas stations/convenience storez), but shedding mi ropa in the NYSC locka room was not as traumitizing as I expected! I'd much rather strip in front of deez rando musclemen than in front of friendz or people I actually know or feel comfortable in front of (yeah...guyz must love to date me).

Exercising Is Not Complicated Or Hard

One thing that I absolutely can't stand is when p33pz complain about shiz in their lives yet do nuffin' to remedy the problemaz. And yes, I am a hypocrite. And one of the main formz that this annoyance takes life is when people complain about being outta shape. Like, if you don't want to exercise, that's coo'. But don't whine about it all the time. Get ur nalgaz to the gym if you're unhappy.

"BuT JoOoOoOoSh...ExErCisInG is WaaaAaay ToOoO DiFFiCuLT! I DoN'T KnOw HoW tO Do iT!" SHUT UP whoever says this to me! I too was under the impression that the terrifying contraptions in the gym would be impossible to use. And while some are mindfucks to figure out, it turnz out that the majority of the machines are mad simple. Pull this. Run here. Climb these steps. Shove ur dawgz here & peddle. EASY!

Home-Centric Craft Magazinez Are the Most Popular Magazines In the World

You'd think to see piles and piles of Buttered Muscle Chop Magazine & Throbbing Bicep Monthly stacked up in front of all the bicyclists/weight-lifterz/squat-squatterz to keep dem focused on their fitness. But hellz no! They all be reading about decorative flower placematez, pumpkin stewz & the perfect recipe for a simply irresistible potpourri in one of those innumerable Home & Garden rip-off magazinez.

I just assume the muscle-brained beautiful people are staring @ pictures of derrrriciouz freshly baked bread and contemplating their next carb-splurge. But what do I read while werking out?! Nuffin'! I'm too busy looking at myself in the full-length mirrors, squinting and trying to pretend I look like dis:


Sexy Trash said...

Hold up, hold up, hold up -
You live in NYC now and didn't tell me?

So much for us being roommates and starting our own website and taking over the world. My dreams are shattered.

Tam said...

Yay you for being all fit and healthy and stuff. So are you going to spend the money to keep going?

Anonymous said...

Good for you doing the gym thing! Once I get a job (pleaaase hire me!) and have my own place, joining a gym is the next thing on my list. I like the fact that in many gyms you can work out on the machines or take classes like yoga. I think one saves a lot than taking other fitness classes anywhere else and you have so much to choose from! You get more for your buck :) Plus a steam room!! I'm sold.

Right now, I'm just doing my gazelle thing (even though it is boring as hell) and hope for an early spring so I can get back on my skates. Plus do some hiking!


Michelle M. said...

Good for you! Leto better watch his back.

David said...

What monster did I create??!! Josh used to be so meek and mild, and now he runs around the apartment in a 'riod rage destroying furniture, punching holes in the wall and terrorizing the cats (well, actually that was always the case)! Now I hide with Bart and Lisa under the bed when he gets home.

Chris D. said...

I'm glad that your trial gym experience turned out well. I need to motivate myself to get back into the habit of working out regularly. I just can't decide if I want to join a gym, or just develop a routine on my own.

Seeing Starz Spartacus has inspired me to want to be a little more buff.

I still remember your DiB photo. I thought you looked quite handsome, with a very nice physique.

Consider sharing the evolution of your new gym body on your blog, if you are comfortable. Having a visual record of your progress may further inspire you, and others.

It used to be easy for me to go to the nude beach. The funny thing is, I think it would be harder now that I'm out. I think there is a good chance that I would run into someone I know, which might be a bit awkward. There are people I don't really want lusting after my naked body (guess that sounds a little cocky ;) ), and there are also people I don't really want to see naked. This is all a little frustrating for me, because I can't be a "proper" part-time nudist with these hangups.

Enjoy the your new world of fitness. :)