Sunday, February 13, 2011

10 Tips to Get You a Valentine

Valentine's Day is tomorrow. This means anyone that actively uses the Interwebz for any social networking will be divided up into tres categories: 1) Peepz in relationshitz that post about their LuRrRrVeD one like anyone gives a shhh...; 2) Single peepz who incessantly whine about being alone and proclaiming that they don't care about Valentine's Day when they so obviously do; 3) Peepz like me who roll their eyez @ both groups and thinks the fact that peepz get so exxxcited about such a fake holiday is irritating.

But I totally get the V-Day bluez. It sucks having happy couples fart their love stench all up into the meloncholy noses of the singlez. And since I am a relationshit victim exxxpert, I thought I'd share some quick pointerz on how to find a lova & how to keep them ensnared in your clutchez.

1. Always use social networking sitez to find your significant otherz. I found mah boyfriend of 3 yearz on MySpace. Sure, they might become a huge prick after a year and you won't have a romantic and cute story to share of how you met, but it's easy!

2. On a first date dinner outing, always make sure you inundate the conversation with your highly formed opinions on music, books, movies, ego, art, opinion & commerce!

3. In conjunction with #2, get up & walk out of the restaurant if your date says something blatantly false about pop culture [IE: that "Baby One More Time" was Britney Spears' first single or that Lady Gaga has had more than 2 #1 singlez].

4. Be insecure wiff how you look & constantly seek validation from your significant other. Make sure to ask them no less than 3 timez a day if they find you attractive and never believe them.

5. Become inexplicably inpatient & mean when your significant other doesn't immediately respond to your pointless texxxt messages.

6. Never actually talk to your lurrrved one about how you feel. Instead, just quote song lyrix you know they don't know. Then when they say they don't know the song, get furious with them.

7. Always think they are cheating on you...even if they spend 99% of their time wiff you. Cuz you know, that 1% of the time is probably spent sleeping wiff yo best friend/mom/dad/sibling/not you.

8. When watching a movie together @ home that your boifriend/grrrlfriend wants to watch that you are uninterested in, fall asleep wiffin the first 2 minutez.

9. If your significant other does sumfing that annoys you, don't look it over (no matter how small). Call them out, start a huge fight, cry and then blame them for starting the argument.

10. Finally, probe non-stop into their sexxxual history and force them to tell you every minute detail about every person they've bounced bits with. When meeting a friend of theirs, alwayz assume they've been inside them and don't believe it when they say they haven't.

There we go! My ten tipz on how to bag & keep your perfect Valentine! Do you have any other pointerz I may have forgotten? Now if you will exxxcuse me, I have to go listen to Sara Bareilles' "Basket Case" on repeat and think of a love life I will never know!


Tam said...

Wow, I can't believe you haven't been snapped up, married and moved to the suburbs with advice like that. Genius.

I think I shall just ignore the whole thing unless someone wants to ply me with chocolate, I'm open to that.

Dave2 said...

Spying. You simply cannot take it on faith that you've got all the information necessary to have a strong, loving, relationship... unless you spy on them. And their friends. And their co-workers. And their family. And especially their ex-lovers. Only by knowing absolutely everything about every aspect of every part of their lives will you be able to form the strong foundation needed to build a lasting relationship.

jpontiac said...

Clearly I have been doing everything wrong. Luckily, I don't mind being single.

Laura said...

I'm an expert SPYA. You also forgot to be always be slutty feat nips showing and hacking into their FB account to unfriend all of their friends, especially the ones you know they like best!

anne marie in philly said...

"think of a love life I will never know!" - not true, honey (ask me how I know).

it comes out of the blue when you least expect it and turns your world upside down and brings forth unicorns and sparkly fairy farts and fireworks and shooting stars (well, at least it did for me).

Michelle M. said...

What great advice. You should put it in a book and make a million dollars. I would add: make sure you tell them (constantly) that if they cheat on/leave you, you will hunt them down and kill them. Works for me.

Anonymous said...

Yay to anne marie! That's exactly how it happened for me too! And when it's real, you know it without a doubt.

Peace, Josh's mom

Josh, another thing to consider is make sure they look you in the eye when talking, if they don't, they probably have something to hide. And 99% of the time, that "something" is NOT good. So don't let them get away with it!

Love, mom

Chris D. said...

Interesting exercise! My addition to your list, in a similar vein, might be:

To feel unworthy of the affection of anyone that one may possibly be attracted to. If someone of that sort expresses interest, then tend to want to explain that one may be incapable of ever truly being loved and run away from them.

The men I've most pursued were the ones who kept me in the place of the pursuer, giving me only just enough encouragement to keep me in pursuit. It was a great comfort not having to worry about them ever really and truly falling for me. It was very safe.

Perhaps one day the right person will invade the fortress of solitude that is my heart. Till then, I am safe.

Mel said...

Good Lawd! To think I've been in my relationship for nearly 6 years and married to him for almost 3 of them without following any of this advice. How'd that happen?! I'd better get right to work fixing it all up right.

Enrico said...


"He had a steady hand / and I got used to it."

Anonymous said...

Oh the pursuer trap! Connection with you Chris. I didn't think I would ever resort to it, but alas I did. The problem with being the pursuer is that you are never exactly sure how they feel about you. He was a great guy, but I think it was something I wanted, not what he wanted. It took some soul searching within myself to let it go. A humbling experience indeed.

Josh, I would add one to your list. Your better half must always have your back; must have the security that he is someone that I can depend on. I feel this is really important I feel.

And don't be blue! There will come a day dear brother! :)


p.s. 1953, sorry I forgot to respond the other day.