Saturday, January 29, 2011

Eskimo Mayhem!

Yeah...I know the 8 of you that still visit mah site are probably so sick & tired of me bitching non-stop about the craptastic weather we've been having here in the Northeast. But guess what...it pissez me off so I'm gonna keep whining about it and alienate the rest of you that haven't completely ditched me for Cocky & Rude.

As y'all might know, up where I live in Nueva York & Nueva Jersey, we've been having weekly snowstormz come dropping in on us ever since Xtinamas. And while, yes, it might be SOoOoOooO pWeTtY & bOoTiFuL, but it's also a huge fuckload of irritation.

As alwayz, I spent my week up in New York to make my werk commute easier. And when the 439th snowstorm this month slammed us last Thursday, I could only imagine the icy horror that would await me once the bus dropped mis nalgaz off in Jerzee that Friday night. I expected unmovable melancholy hillz of snowy death and roads of slippery mayhem to be grinning their evil non-existent grinz at me. And for the first time in my life, I didn't overexaggerate the reality!

I frolicked off the bus and noticed that the station's parking lot was actually quite clean. I thanked mah lucky starz [read as: the property owner's dutiful plowslave] that the entire lot was sweeped clean wintry mix. Well...except for a car-shaped pile of snow that was chillaxing near the end of the lot, right where I had parked my coche earlier that week. ::angry face & growl::

Luckily for me, a car must have been parked next to mine when the blizzard hit, for the driver side of Clint [read as: my '91 Subaru Loyale] was more or less cleared, thus only leaving me with 3 sides of my car completely buried in trunk-level snow. YAY!

Sorry it's so dark. The flash on mah camera phone ain't worth shit.

And since I don't believe in spending money on anything, even that which will make my life much easier/less painful, I ignored my mother's countless pleas to purchase a small hand shovel to keep in the back of my car. I attempted to use some broken-ass ice-scrapper to chisel my car out of its winter coccoon, but that shit was NOT flying. So I proceeded to literally hurl my 140 LB body against the walls of snow surrounding my car. 45 minutez later, I was driving on the road [feat. nearly being hit my two separate jerk-offs who weren't paying attention before even leaving the parking lot].

TanxB2Gawd that my roommate is muy intelligente & hired some guy to clean out the hip-level snow that barricaded our driveway (and therefor house) from any human contact. If this isn't the setting for a horror flick, I don't know what is...


And driving up to my house, I legit nearly drove my car into a snow bank, due to what I found when I finally reached my house. To get the full impact of the state of my frustrated shock, I thought I'd take you on a mini-video adventure, retracing my agonizing steps of unwanted winter discovery...

14 comments:

Tam said...

You really need to move closer to civilization. Somewhere with a driveway that is less than 1/2 mile at the least. It does look pretty though, but easy for me to say since I'm somewhere without that much snow.

Stay warm and out of the snow banks.

Jusitn said...

God your deep voice is hot, Josh. Said it before. Will probably say it again.

What Freudian slip *WERE* you about to make when you tried to say "Sean's garden"?

It *IS* a winter wonderland. It's pristine *BECAUSE* it's covered in snow. :)

I can't believe you live in such a beautiful place btw. Just. Beautiful. And your house is insanely awesome too.

Can you throw like a boy?

Your shoelace is hilarious.

It is by the the way advisble to keep potted plants INSIDE the house during the winter. Just sayin'

"Icelickles"

"I want to hold you like a sword" -- how many times has that phrase been used in a bed you've been in? Just a quick guesstimate, please.

I can't believe you let your captive homeless people freeze to death.

"Deer houses" lol :)

Do you make loud grunting / groaning noises like this when working out at the gym, btw?

"Laaaaaaame-ah"

Best blog post of 2011 so far, Josherz! :) :) <3

tornwordo said...

It's much prettier when it falls on you guys. And it looks like another one is coming. Please stay south of us, please stay south of us....

David said...

You do too whine like that all the time. But only to be funny. Have Mowgli shovel the driveway next time.

Dave2 said...

Sweet! You live in a mansion!

It snows like this every year where I live. Except I don't end up in a mansion after I battle my way through all that snow. I end up in a shitty apartment. This is officially bullshit!

anne marie in philly said...

snow sux! hate everything about it! I would kill for 70 degrees and sunny right f-ing NOW!

john said...

I love winter and love, love, love snow, but I have to admit, I've had enough. We've gotten about 16 inches of snow, which is piled up in huge drifts at the end of every street making pulling onto the main road very challenging. That and there is no place to put any of it when I try to clear my drive and walk ways. I have to say, you do live in a giant house. How many people do you live with?

Michelle M. said...

That does look like the setting for a horror flick. Maybe the balloons are leftover from a Nazi zombie birthday party?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1278340/
(have you seen this movie yet? You should).

Whenever I miss the Colorado snow, I see something like this, and am happy not to deal with it.

adam said...

I kept waiting for it to turn into the Blair Witch. That witchy slut left those balloons in the trees.

But cereal, You need to have cameras following you all the time! I'd watch your reality show!

Chris D. said...

Thanks for showing us your winter wonderland. Your tour left me literally dizzy. ;)

I love Shawn's home. While the long driveway may be a challenge in snow, it would also be a great excuse to own some cool toys, like an ATV with a snow plow or thrower! I think that would be totally fun.

I am really glad I bought a better snow blower this year. It has made my constant snow clearing much easier than it used to be. Even so, I am ready for this stuff to melt. The snow banks on the streets keep getting bigger and bigger making the roads narrow.

Ryan said...

How did your shoelace do that?

Anonymous said...

You are once again funny and made me laugh and I hate snow. Sick of digging my tiny car out when the plows finally do decide to go down our street! Though, I do admit I like watching it snow and it is pretty....when I don't have to go anywhere.

Come on spring and summer!

-Cindy

Anonymous said...

Snow is pretty to look at, and I must admit I do look forward to the first big snow, but that's it. My snow shovel has been my best friend lately, and I'm sick of it!! I'm sick of cramming my car into a tiny parking space we had to carve out of 2 or 3 feet of plowed snow, I'm sick of almost falling dead on my ass on the ice every other step I take, and, I'm sick of going to the grocery store for only a couple of items, and battling the tons of people who think they're going to be snowed in for the rest of their lives.

So yes, I guess you could say I've had enough!!

Love, mom

jill (homeowner) said...

josh--
clean up the goddam snow! beeatchz!