Saturday, February 19, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
But I totally get the V-Day bluez. It sucks having happy couples fart their love stench all up into the meloncholy noses of the singlez. And since I am a relationshit
1. Always use social networking sitez to find your significant otherz. I found mah boyfriend of 3 yearz on MySpace. Sure, they might become a huge prick after a year and you won't have a romantic and cute story to share of how you met, but it's easy!
2. On a first date dinner outing, always make sure you inundate the conversation with your highly formed opinions on music, books, movies, ego, art, opinion & commerce!
3. In conjunction with #2, get up & walk out of the restaurant if your date says something blatantly false about pop culture [IE: that "Baby One More Time" was Britney Spears' first single or that Lady Gaga has had more than 2 #1 singlez].
4. Be insecure wiff how you look & constantly seek validation from your significant other. Make sure to ask them no less than 3 timez a day if they find you attractive and never believe them.
5. Become inexplicably inpatient & mean when your significant other doesn't immediately respond to your pointless texxxt messages.
6. Never actually talk to your lurrrved one about how you feel. Instead, just quote song lyrix you know they don't know. Then when they say they don't know the song, get furious with them.
7. Always think they are cheating on you...even if they spend 99% of their time wiff you. Cuz you know, that 1% of the time is probably spent sleeping wiff yo best friend/mom/dad/sibling/not you.
8. When watching a movie together @ home that your boifriend/grrrlfriend wants to watch that you are uninterested in, fall asleep wiffin the first 2 minutez.
9. If your significant other does sumfing that annoys you, don't look it over (no matter how small). Call them out, start a huge fight, cry and then blame them for starting the argument.
10. Finally, probe non-stop into their sexxxual history and force them to tell you every minute detail about every person they've bounced bits with. When meeting a friend of theirs, alwayz assume they've been inside them and don't believe it when they say they haven't.
There we go! My ten tipz on how to bag & keep your perfect Valentine! Do you have any other pointerz I may have forgotten? Now if you will exxxcuse me, I have to go listen to Sara Bareilles' "Basket Case" on repeat and think of a love life I will never know!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Wow...how red hawt is dat shiz?! It seemz to me that Meagan (who should totez adopt mah petname Senorita Caliente as her official alias), is set to become the new Willa Ford. The talentless slutty white grrrl popstar neeeeedz to make a comeback!! Sure, that reggaeton-tinged rapper is entertaining [read as: terrifying & incoherent], but Princess Caliente's sexxxy red mop & gorg pancake face totez stealz the show.
Do you also want to be rojo caliente?! Well, you betta use your platinum card [feat. endless charge] to get some bling-bling on expensive thingz! Not rich enough? Well, just
hijack a schedule a photoshoot for a magazine and pout your glazed lips and wink your druggy eyez @ the camera. SENSUAL! Oh...you're ugly AND poor [see: me]? Well then, just swindle ur way [aka sleep ur way] into the nearest club's VIP room and order grey goose & Cristal [aka Majorska & boxxxed piss] for errrbody! INSTANT ROJO CALIENTENESS!
Wow...tanx Senorita Caliente for letting me know that I too can be a dizzzzgusting money-hungry slut! Wow...she's so inspirational [aka corny as wut-wut]!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
✔ Black Swan - Ballerina gets role of a lifetime and loses her shit.
❒ The Fighter - ____________________________
✔ Inception - Peepz crack into the unconcious mind and fuck shit up.
✔ The Kids Are All Right - Spawn of lesbian couple hunt down their incredibly sexxxy father.
✔ The King’s Speech - Duke of York becomes king, sucks at talking, gets help.
❒ 127 Hours - ____________________________
✔ The Social Network - Guy who kinda sucks kinda steals idea for Internet phenomenon.
✔ Toy Story 3 - Army of forgotten toys fart about and make audiences bawl.
❒ True Grit - ____________________________
❒ Winter’s Bone - ____________________________
I think it's gonna come down to The King's Speech & The Social Network snagging the trophy. Although, The Black Swan does have the artsy underdawg feel to it, so I wouldn't be surprised if that swiped that little golden man.
What about you?! Which of deez films have you seen dis year? Which were your favorites? Have you seen Winter's Bone, True Grit, The Fighter or 127 Hours and have a 10-word synopsis you'd like to enlighten us wiff? C'mon and share...dis is a blog of giving!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
However, turnz out that gym ratz are not in fact douchebagz, but actually nice people! One even offered to teach me how to work this confusing Rubik's Cube of a work-out machine when he noticed me blinking in wonder at it. NICE!
And while that might be vileplume, the gym is sure to place an industrial-sized barrel of hand-sanitizer every 5 feet to ensure constant cleanliness. Sure, that translucent alcohol-based soap-substitute might dry the fuzz outta my hands, but dammit if they don't reek of spic-n-span tidiness!
Wheel Of Fortune Is Everyone's Favorite TV Show
But outta all deez choicez...what is the #1 show peepz watch while burning off their thigh fat via stationary biking? Wheel of Fucking Fortune. I especially love the people that play along and start showing out answerz [feat. immediately looking around feeling embarrassed when they remember they are in a public location].
But maybe it's the fact that I've gained confirned (thanks largely to the fact that all the teaserz and rude boys that made fun of me in high school are now all pudgy and working at gas stations/convenience storez), but shedding mi ropa in the NYSC locka room was not as traumitizing as I expected! I'd much rather strip in front of deez rando musclemen than in front of friendz or people I actually know or feel comfortable in front of (yeah...guyz must love to date me).
"BuT JoOoOoOoSh...ExErCisInG is WaaaAaay ToOoO DiFFiCuLT! I DoN'T KnOw HoW tO Do iT!" SHUT UP whoever says this to me! I too was under the impression that the terrifying contraptions in the gym would be impossible to use. And while some are mindfucks to figure out, it turnz out that the majority of the machines are mad simple. Pull this. Run here. Climb these steps. Shove ur dawgz here & peddle. EASY!
I just assume the muscle-brained beautiful people are staring @ pictures of derrrriciouz freshly baked bread and contemplating their next carb-splurge. But what do I read while werking out?! Nuffin'! I'm too busy looking at myself in the full-length mirrors, squinting and trying to pretend I look like dis:
Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
As y'all might know, up where I live in Nueva York & Nueva Jersey, we've been having weekly snowstormz come dropping in on us ever since Xtinamas. And while, yes, it might be SOoOoOooO pWeTtY & bOoTiFuL, but it's also a huge fuckload of irritation.
As alwayz, I spent my week up in New York to make my werk commute easier. And when the 439th snowstorm this month slammed us last Thursday, I could only imagine the icy horror that would await me once the bus dropped mis nalgaz off in Jerzee that Friday night. I expected unmovable melancholy hillz of snowy death and roads of slippery mayhem to be grinning their evil non-existent grinz at me. And for the first time in my life, I didn't overexaggerate the reality!
I frolicked off the bus and noticed that the station's parking lot was actually quite clean. I thanked mah lucky starz [read as: the property owner's dutiful plowslave] that the entire lot was sweeped clean wintry mix. Well...except for a car-shaped pile of snow that was chillaxing near the end of the lot, right where I had parked my coche earlier that week. ::angry face & growl::
Luckily for me, a car must have been parked next to mine when the blizzard hit, for the driver side of Clint [read as: my '91 Subaru Loyale] was more or less cleared, thus only leaving me with 3 sides of my car completely buried in trunk-level snow. YAY!
TanxB2Gawd that my roommate is muy intelligente & hired some guy to clean out the hip-level snow that barricaded our driveway (and therefor house) from any human contact. If this isn't the setting for a horror flick, I don't know what is...
And driving up to my house, I legit nearly drove my car into a snow bank, due to what I found when I finally reached my house. To get the full impact of the state of my frustrated shock, I thought I'd take you on a mini-video adventure, retracing my agonizing steps of unwanted winter discovery...
Monday, January 24, 2011
Animalz are wondrous things. They keep us company when we are sad. They brighten the rainiest of days.
They taste derrrriciouz smothered in ranch They grow old wiff us and keep us young with their naive ignorance.
But what are they thinking? Science suggests that some animals have conscious thought, while others argue that we human sapianz are the only assholez on the face o' the Earth that have intelligent pondering skillz. Since science is boring as shit, I just pull up a chair in the middle and say "Eh, either side is right. I don't care."
But after watching this official documentary [read as: British overdubbing on B-roll nature footage], I think it's obvious that we might be underestimating our woodland brethren.
I know...you're shocked that the savage animal kingdom has so much in common with urself! Us humanz prance about wiff our stuffy noses in the air all day long, shunning the animal world...pish, like our shit don't stank [note: actually, mine doesn't, cuz I'm awesome]! But lookie here @ deez aminalz and how they are more like us than we'd ever think...
Like, take the storks. You ever race some greedy old bitch in a crowded parking lot to a shiny front-row spot, only to have her park her azz even though you had your goddamn blinker on?! The storkz, they feel your pain.
And how about the seagulls/pelicans/ugly birds whatever the fuck they are? They must have just watched the last five minutes of Drag Me to Hell...cuz they are crackin' up just as hawd as I did in theaters!
Regret having a swarm of snotty nosed bastardo chillunz?! You're not alone! Mama seal is so over her loud screaming kids, that I bet she will rethink her stance on wildlife abortionz.
And last but not least...the groundhog. If you are desperately trying to get in-touch with your friend, what do you do? Email them? NO...TAKES TOO LONG. Call them? NO...PHONES ARE FOR TEXTING. Send them a letter? NO...THIS IS 2011, NOT 1911!!! You just stand out on your front lawn and scream their name until they appear. That's what I do whenever I need to get in-touch wiff mis amigoz [please note: which is never because all of my friendz have cut-off contact with me since I annoyed them by repeatedly bellowing their namez whenever I wanted their attention].
The animal kingdom is a wondrous place! So the next time you start to feel all high & mighty cuz of your highly developed brainz y emontionz, launch your nalgaz off to the nearest zoo and struck up a convo with some monkeyz or crap like that. You might JuSt MaKe A NeW FwIeND!!!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Also, as I've blabbed about, it was during my first year of college that I really started to exxxplore different kinds of music and bands I had never really heard of. And while
Their song, "The Ocean," is all about having a secret rendezvous with that certain someone special and rekindling all those goofy, gooey, loveydovey asshole emotionz. It became more or less an emotional footnote to all of the vundervill late-night meet-upz I'd have wiff that certain d00d. But taken out of the nostalgic value, I still find the build-up of song [feat. dramatic piano] to be goddamn breath-taking. Seriously...can't...breathe...
"One of These Days" by Michelle Branch
"On the Radio" by Regina Spektor
"The One" by Vanessa Carlton [feat. Stevie Nicks]
"Our Lips Are Sealed" by Hilary & Haylie Duff
Friday, January 21, 2011
I was hit with a sense of pride that
Yes...I know. Your eyes instantly esssplode too? Back when I graduated college (Spring 2008), I moved into mah friend Shawn's house and wiffin the first two w33ks, we acquired two tiny day-old bundlez of kitten joy. My prezzzzious Mowgli & Hermanita were once sooooo small that you could fit both of them in the palm of your mano!
But alas, baby animalz can't always remain itty bitty enough to fit into a boot. They grow up! And just like a motha has to watch her infant child get older [feat. force that greedy mouf to quit the nip!], I watched my unstoppable kitten duo evolve, grow and eventually
start sexifying each other like dirrty effing whorez mate to create more felinez to fill the world wiff!
They are gonna be thr33 yearz young which is prox 27 in cat yearz [aka I made that up] this May...look how far they've come!!
I know that many of you [read as: Jere & Polt] might find this post tedious/pointless/melodramtic, but waking up that morning, drowning in a sea of of cats that I myself raised, really got my weak little heart a-chug-a-lugging into overtime. I leave y'all now with three of mah favorite things in the entire world:
Fla-Vor-Ice, Dreamgirls & "Regerishonishes" Mowgli, Hermanita & Baberz!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Makenzie the Beauty Queen
All of us ugly people [aka those who have livez], can't even begin to fathom the depths and strugglez it takes to be pristine/perfect/loved solely for your lookz. We best rezzzzpect the beautiful people...
So many heartz erupted from my stupid chest when I first laid eyez on Makenzie the Beauty Queen. And...like duh! You see that pearly white baby-teef smile?! It glistens! And her negligent, clearly uncaring mother best get her azz in gear. Did I hear your angelic daughter
Sure, she looks like a strung-out Katie Holmes [feat. eye bags galore!], acts a bigger diva than Christina Aguilera and soundz like Lindsay Lohan after a pack or six of cigz, but in some eyes [read as: in my eyes], that's what computes as BEAUTIFUL! Cover her puss in some cucumberz & melted Hershey Kisses and, yep, I'm in love! Swoon City...hear I come!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
I think we all need a little more angelic guidance in our lives. Like Mandy Moore wisely once said, "all you gotta do is have a little faith"! And there is no better teacher in the art of pure & loving [read as: loud & potentially violent] devotion than dis week's Muse!
Trading Spouses is a brilliantly constructed social exxxperiment [read as: fucked up exxxploitive reality TV show] that takes mommas from two completely different families, puts them in each other's houses and then lets the cameras roll as the shiz hitz the fizz.
And The God warrior is by far the most infamous and glamorous of all da wivez that have ever been switched about. Our Jesus soldier had to spend a week living with some free-spirited, open-minded non-Christian family (poor girl!) and her retelling of the surely Lucifer-inspired hell she went through is HeArTbReAkInG!!
GARGOYLEZ! PSYCHICS! TAROT CARDS! MOONS! WITCHBOOKS! The God Warrior was put through the ringa, and all she needed was for us to pray for her. And did we?! NO! We should all be ashamed of ourselves! She's been sayin' & preachin' & prayin' & sayin' the w3rdingz of Jeebuzz and I think it's high time we listen!
Who needs a well adjusted mind & a reasonable body fat percentage when Lawdy Lawd is in your heart & (deranged) mind?!
Oh...you think all dis "dawk-sided" blabbering is just for show? You think she didn't really rip up her prize moniez but instead just a rando piece of junk mail? Well take a pick at THIS HURR clip and you'll see how overcome with the barbaric/non-Christian lifestyle of her foster family she really got [read as: the dryer brole & she pretends sumfing smellz bad].
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Well, wiff da help of the beautiful & elegant & organized BEST PERSON TO EVER EXIST IN THE ENTIRE WORLD EVER [aka Michelle!!! EEEEEEEEE!!!!], I am bringing you the cyber Josh Is Trashy Holidaze Fiesta!!
Let's start with
Craig sent me some awesome gifts! I'm now the proud owner of a Green Eggs & Ham t-shirt and the literary masterpiece, "The Penis Name Book: A Guide To Naming Man's Best Friend." He also sent a laser pointer for Spring. She loved it! THANKS CRAIG!! :-D
Corey sent me "Matchless" by Gregory Maguire, the author of "Wicked." The book is a retelling of the Little Matchbook Girl story that is both sad and heartwarming. I read it to my nieces and nephews while visiting them for the holidays and had to choke back tears while they squirmed to go do something more fun.
M. Nico sent me a book called "Knitting Nature," which has all these funky knitting patterns AND a bunch of math. I love it -- it's a perfect present for me. (This photo also features our cat
My gifter was John. After shoveling the package out from under 16 inches of snow, I opened it to discover this amazing picture of Chip and Dale. It's sort of a 3-D layered image and is now my prized Disney possession. Even better, when I go to sleep at night, they come to life and talk to me. I also received *three bars of delicious gourmet chocolate. Nom. Nom. Nom.
*bars consumed immediately after picture.
I got my gifts from the lovely and gingery Adam! First of all, they all came wrapped in awesome red/green Christmasy Superman wrapping paper! I got a "Cock-A-Doodle Pad" which is a notepad with drawings of naked men on them...but sans gentialia. So whilst I'm on hold on the phone, I can draw in any kind if willy that suits my fancy. I got a "Dicky Dickhead", which is the naughty cousin of Mr. Potatohead, cept that he'd a dick. I got a Penis Christmas Tree ornemant, which of course NO Christmas Tree should be without. I got a pack of mints the size of a matchbox with the words "I (heart) my penis" on it. Who knew someone made a box like that with EXACT sentiment that runs through my head???
My gift exchange sender was Heather. I received soda cracker candy, a bacon wallet & Cranberry Tex-Mex salsa.
My perfect gifts were from Talita. She sent me heaven in a little gold box (which I did not share with Harry). And this fantastically cute Wonder Woman mirror which reveals my alter-ego when I look into it. Thank you, Talita!
I found out my 'Secret Santa' is Mush from Walla Walla, WA. She sent me some fantastic Spanish/Mexican chocolate candies and goodies. Some of which I have never heard of. I'm having a great time sampling them all. But the most special thing about the present is that she wrote in the attached Christmas card that she made a $10 donation to one of my favorite charities that I support: Room to Read. What a great gift!
FDot is obviously an educated man who spendz his time wisely reading important interweb publications like Josh Is Trashy! And his dedication frrrealz paid off (in mah favor)! He musta been taking notez as he read, for he knew that two of mah favorite
Chris D. sent me "The Science of Cooking" and a GIR ornament.
Polt sent me this awesome Batman shirt. Now I strike fear in evil-doers wherever I go! It's pretty awesome... even though I don't have the muscles to fill it out properly. It's tough to take a picture since the shirt makes me all stealthy and stuff but, luckily, my Bat-iPhone was up to the task!
For the trashy gift exchange I got a big box full of presents! I got this sweet flannel hoodie, the novel "The Tin Drum" from Nobel Prize Winner Günter Grass, and chocolate chip cookies! As an English major, I've heard a lot about Grass and am excited to finally read one of his books. I even got a bookmark feat. some old lady who used to be a famous singer or something but then she stood on a grate and her dress blew all around and then she died of an overdose. Thanks Paul!
I received Bubble Bath and a bath pillow from Jere, This is a great gift because I love to take baths!! :o)
My gift came from Dave2 and is a shrink-wrapped gift package from where he lives - Cashmere, WA - which is in the apple-growing part of the Washington's desert country. I am totally psyched to cook up the apple pancakes and drench them in the boysenberry jam and apple syrup. The fruit jelly & nut candies are kind of weird but already half gone, and the Walla Walla onion mustard made me think of Mush, who lives in Walla Walla. I think she and Dave need to meet up in IRL, because I'm pretty sure they're geeks of a feather.
David P. was my gift giver. He gave me the most amazingly serious pickles I have ever experienced, a relaxing Celtic music CD, and awesome Allegro tea.
My gift (actually, GIFTS!) came from the illustrious Mikey! I got Christmas-colored argyle trunks (is that what the kids are calling short as hell boxer-briefs these days?), Christmas-colored argyle socks, and the ultimate geek pen! Seriously, that's what it's called! It comes with a laser pointer, flashlight, UV light (to check for counterfeit bills!), oh yeah, and something to write with! It's amazing! Thanks Mikey!