Saturday, February 19, 2011

I'm not dead, I'm just floating.



No need to worry any longer dear non-existent readerz. I ain't dead yet. And I do apologize for the lack of posting recently. A combination of heavy working, apartment-hunting & life-living has led me to have very little time to commit to quality posting.

I will be turning 25 in a week [feat. 1 day], which means my life is a quarter over more or less. It meanz that I am getting older & that I am at a huge turning point in mah st00pid little vida. Wiffin the next few months, I will be completely uprooting my azz and finally taking the terrifying freefall dive that is known as moving to Nueva York.

I am exxxtremely nervous, but realize this is what I have to do for mah jerb, love life & overall happiness. It's gon' be a crazzzy learning exxxperience & I for supa serial hope y'all will kiss me & smile for me & tell me that you'll wait for me while I try to get mah shiz together. Josh Is Trashy isn't being buried just yet, but it is gonna have to take a backseat while I sort out all that is unsorted in my life.

Keep checking back once y awhile. I'll still be here. Stay sa$$y. Mwuahz!


Sunday, February 13, 2011

10 Tips to Get You a Valentine

Valentine's Day is tomorrow. This means anyone that actively uses the Interwebz for any social networking will be divided up into tres categories: 1) Peepz in relationshitz that post about their LuRrRrVeD one like anyone gives a shhh...; 2) Single peepz who incessantly whine about being alone and proclaiming that they don't care about Valentine's Day when they so obviously do; 3) Peepz like me who roll their eyez @ both groups and thinks the fact that peepz get so exxxcited about such a fake holiday is irritating.

But I totally get the V-Day bluez. It sucks having happy couples fart their love stench all up into the meloncholy noses of the singlez. And since I am a relationshit victim exxxpert, I thought I'd share some quick pointerz on how to find a lova & how to keep them ensnared in your clutchez.

1. Always use social networking sitez to find your significant otherz. I found mah boyfriend of 3 yearz on MySpace. Sure, they might become a huge prick after a year and you won't have a romantic and cute story to share of how you met, but it's easy!

2. On a first date dinner outing, always make sure you inundate the conversation with your highly formed opinions on music, books, movies, ego, art, opinion & commerce!

3. In conjunction with #2, get up & walk out of the restaurant if your date says something blatantly false about pop culture [IE: that "Baby One More Time" was Britney Spears' first single or that Lady Gaga has had more than 2 #1 singlez].

4. Be insecure wiff how you look & constantly seek validation from your significant other. Make sure to ask them no less than 3 timez a day if they find you attractive and never believe them.

5. Become inexplicably inpatient & mean when your significant other doesn't immediately respond to your pointless texxxt messages.

6. Never actually talk to your lurrrved one about how you feel. Instead, just quote song lyrix you know they don't know. Then when they say they don't know the song, get furious with them.

7. Always think they are cheating on you...even if they spend 99% of their time wiff you. Cuz you know, that 1% of the time is probably spent sleeping wiff yo best friend/mom/dad/sibling/not you.

8. When watching a movie together @ home that your boifriend/grrrlfriend wants to watch that you are uninterested in, fall asleep wiffin the first 2 minutez.

9. If your significant other does sumfing that annoys you, don't look it over (no matter how small). Call them out, start a huge fight, cry and then blame them for starting the argument.

10. Finally, probe non-stop into their sexxxual history and force them to tell you every minute detail about every person they've bounced bits with. When meeting a friend of theirs, alwayz assume they've been inside them and don't believe it when they say they haven't.

There we go! My ten tipz on how to bag & keep your perfect Valentine! Do you have any other pointerz I may have forgotten? Now if you will exxxcuse me, I have to go listen to Sara Bareilles' "Basket Case" on repeat and think of a love life I will never know!


Monday, February 7, 2011

My Monday Muse

Senorita Caliente


Last year I carelessly seduced all you foolz wiff a little lovey dovey ditty entitled "Pardon Me" that was performed by the apple of your eye airplane stewardess of tus sueños, Maxine Swaby. But that shiz, while timeless, is sOOoOOOooo 2010! For 2011 we need an exciting new anthem [read as: sumfing delightfully crappy that actually is a few yearz old]. We need a song that we spice up our livez and charm our undarooz off. And that's why, wiffout further ado, I present to y'all, "Rojo Caliente":





Wow...how red hawt is dat shiz?! It seemz to me that Meagan (who should totez adopt mah petname Senorita Caliente as her official alias), is set to become the new Willa Ford. The talentless slutty white grrrl popstar neeeeedz to make a comeback!! Sure, that reggaeton-tinged rapper is entertaining [read as: terrifying & incoherent], but Princess Caliente's sexxxy red mop & gorg pancake face totez stealz the show.


Do you also want to be rojo caliente?! Well, you betta use your platinum card [feat. endless charge] to get some bling-bling on expensive thingz! Not rich enough? Well, just hijack a schedule a photoshoot for a magazine and pout your glazed lips and wink your druggy eyez @ the camera. SENSUAL! Oh...you're ugly AND poor [see: me]? Well then, just swindle ur way [aka sleep ur way] into the nearest club's VIP room and order grey goose & Cristal [aka Majorska & boxxxed piss] for errrbody! INSTANT ROJO CALIENTENESS!


Wow...tanx Senorita Caliente for letting me know that I too can be a dizzzzgusting money-hungry slut! Wow...she's so inspirational [aka corny as wut-wut]!



Sunday, February 6, 2011

The Best Picture Battle

So the Oscars are almost here! The movie industry's biggest night! It's where childhood dreamz become a reality! Where our favo starz are honored. Where crossed American Idol contestants get their just dessertz! And I can't wait!

The show is on 2.27 [aka mah birfday!!] and in preparation, I am desperately trying to see all of the filmz nominated for Best Picture. Since the Academy is trying to exxxpand the playing field & include filmz of overlooked genres is trying to make mi vida even hawder, starting wiff last year, they have bumped the nominees from 5 filmz to 10!!!

So far, I've seen 6. And I am dizzyappointed cuz I desperately wanted to be able to recap all ten for you. But since I need sumfing to blog about today I love class participation, I'll take a stab @ summarizing the six filmz I've seen just ten werdz & leave it to you bloggy readerz to summarize the 4 I haven't yet seen!

✔ Black Swan - Ballerina gets role of a lifetime and loses her shit.

❒ The Fighter - ____________________________

✔ Inception - Peepz crack into the unconcious mind and fuck shit up.

✔ The Kids Are All Right - Spawn of lesbian couple hunt down their incredibly sexxxy father.

✔ The King’s Speech - Duke of York becomes king, sucks at talking, gets help.

❒ 127 Hours - ____________________________

✔ The Social Network - Guy who kinda sucks kinda steals idea for Internet phenomenon.

✔ Toy Story 3 - Army of forgotten toys fart about and make audiences bawl.

❒ True Grit - ____________________________

❒ Winter’s Bone - ____________________________


I think it's gonna come down to The King's Speech & The Social Network snagging the trophy. Although, The Black Swan does have the artsy underdawg feel to it, so I wouldn't be surprised if that swiped that little golden man.


What about you?! Which of deez films have you seen dis year? Which were your favorites? Have you seen Winter's Bone, True Grit, The Fighter or 127 Hours and have a 10-word synopsis you'd like to enlighten us wiff? C'mon and share...dis is a blog of giving!



Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Up in da gym just werking on mah fitness...

So it is the beginning of February. And you know what that meanz?! My birfday is in less than 27 days! What else? That there's only a week and a half until Valentine's Day where couples annoy the hell outta me by flaunting their lurrrve and singlez annoy the hell outta me by whining about how they're alone. What else?!?! How about that the beginning of February 2011 marks the end of my free January trial at the New York Sportz Club!!!!!!!

As some of you may know, David Pastelneoncake is an exercise-aholic. He goes every day and does a bajillion push-upz every night before going to sleep. And being such a fan of physical activity, he drop-kicked mah azz into a 30 gym membership. And what can I say...I LOVED IT!!!

It's mah goal to get thinner for attention more toned & in-shape so casting agents and model scoutz attack me on the subway and give me money to become famous. And the only way to do that is to go to the gym 3+ timez a week. Not only did I learn just how weak I really am (my upper body strength falls somewhere between that of a baby and an armless amputee), but I also was able to do some preliminary exercises and actually started seeing some resultz!

And to all those naysayers that pishposh all ova the gym, I thought I'd share wiff y'all some of the great tingz I learned after my 30-day gym fun time membership festival!

Muscle Men Aren't Mean Judgemental Assholez After All!

Tanx to a potent combination of television and ridicule by the asshole jockz of mah high school yearz, I always feared joining a gym and then being mocked mercilessly by all the beef jerkying chowda headz [read as: guyz that work out a lot].

However, turnz out that gym ratz are not in fact douchebagz, but actually nice people! One even offered to teach me how to work this confusing Rubik's Cube of a work-out machine when he noticed me blinking in wonder at it. NICE!



Hand-Sanitizer Is the Greatest Thing On Earth

I like to think of myself as a reasonably clean person. I mean, I always scrub my mitts and dispose of dirrty tissuez when I am done snotting into them. But cleanliness has taken on a WHOLE new meaning for me since I started going to the gym! Nearly every surface at the gym more or less glistens in a not so subtle layer of perspiration.

And while that might be vileplume, the gym is sure to place an industrial-sized barrel of hand-sanitizer every 5 feet to ensure constant cleanliness. Sure, that translucent alcohol-based soap-substitute might dry the fuzz outta my hands, but dammit if they don't reek of spic-n-span tidiness!



Wheel Of Fortune
Is Everyone's Favorite TV Show


There is a limitless number of showz on television to choose from. Want to watch crappy people sing poorly? Watch American Idol. Want to watch autotuned stereotypes sing well? Watch Glee. Want to feel better about your low IQ? Watch Kendra. Want to watch expertly written dark comedies that a plump with emotion and still a juicy amount of humor? Watch & The Big C & United States of Tara. Want to watch a boring crime investigation show? Watch any CSI: Special Butthole Unit.

But outta all deez choicez...what is the #1 show peepz watch while burning off their thigh fat via stationary biking? Wheel of Fucking Fortune. I especially love the people that play along and start showing out answerz [feat. immediately looking around feeling embarrassed when they remember they are in a public location].



Being Nakerz In Front Of Strangers Is Less Awkward Than Being Nakerz In Front of People You Know

What I hated most about high school gym was how we were forced to strip down to our undarooz in front of all of our better-built p33rz. I was so against stripping in front of all those assholez, that I actually would try and wear sweatpants [feat. my gym shorts underneath] to school on the days when we had gym instead of Health class.

But maybe it's the fact that I've gained confirned (thanks largely to the fact that all the teaserz and rude boys that made fun of me in high school are now all pudgy and working at gas stations/convenience storez), but shedding mi ropa in the NYSC locka room was not as traumitizing as I expected! I'd much rather strip in front of deez rando musclemen than in front of friendz or people I actually know or feel comfortable in front of (yeah...guyz must love to date me).


Exercising Is Not Complicated Or Hard

One thing that I absolutely can't stand is when p33pz complain about shiz in their lives yet do nuffin' to remedy the problemaz. And yes, I am a hypocrite. And one of the main formz that this annoyance takes life is when people complain about being outta shape. Like, if you don't want to exercise, that's coo'. But don't whine about it all the time. Get ur nalgaz to the gym if you're unhappy.

"BuT JoOoOoOoSh...ExErCisInG is WaaaAaay ToOoO DiFFiCuLT! I DoN'T KnOw HoW tO Do iT!" SHUT UP whoever says this to me! I too was under the impression that the terrifying contraptions in the gym would be impossible to use. And while some are mindfucks to figure out, it turnz out that the majority of the machines are mad simple. Pull this. Run here. Climb these steps. Shove ur dawgz here & peddle. EASY!


Home-Centric Craft Magazinez Are the Most Popular Magazines In the World


You'd think to see piles and piles of Buttered Muscle Chop Magazine & Throbbing Bicep Monthly stacked up in front of all the bicyclists/weight-lifterz/squat-squatterz to keep dem focused on their fitness. But hellz no! They all be reading about decorative flower placematez, pumpkin stewz & the perfect recipe for a simply irresistible potpourri in one of those innumerable Home & Garden rip-off magazinez.

I just assume the muscle-brained beautiful people are staring @ pictures of derrrriciouz freshly baked bread and contemplating their next carb-splurge. But what do I read while werking out?! Nuffin'! I'm too busy looking at myself in the full-length mirrors, squinting and trying to pretend I look like dis:


Monday, January 31, 2011

My Monday Muse

MAKE SURE YOU VOTE FOR THE 1ST MONDAY MUSE OF 2011 MONTHLY POLL EXTRAVANGANZA SHOWDOWN SPLASHDOWN FIESTA THUNDERCLAP COMPETITION SNOWPACOLYPSE...DOWN @ DA BOTTOM OF DIS HERRRRRRRRRE POST!

Asian Children

I know...y'all are probably like "WTFingSkatez?!" How can an entire nation's youth be a Monday Muse?! What makes Asian kidz better than non-Asian kidz? And for dat matter, what makez Asian kidz better than Asian adultz?!

Firstly, adultz are douchebagz, so duh chillunz win that battle. But in regards to the other question, and if we're gonna be stereotyping douchenozzlez, Asian people are better @ math, technology & orchestrial talentz than non-Asians, but if we're gon' be ethical & responsible memberz of society (I swurrr I am trying to be one), we'd instead watch deez adowable little ragamuffinz let the youth of the nation enlighten our mindz!...

The Crying Clown



Rice Milk Spokesman


Spongebob Mania


So are you (and by you I mean, any non-Asian readerz out there) feeling completely inferior yet?! You SHOULD BE! Asian chillunz are da best, and here's why:

Their devotion is unmatched. Sure, Crying Clown might have dropped his Fla-Vor-Ice on the ground or love his favo Pokémon card, but dat doesn't stop him from putting on his flashy clownsuit and nailing every goddamn dance move with chiseled excellence. Asslipz Shitzon should take some notez!

Think you're convincing? Are you a self-assured businessman with the world in the palm of yo mano?! Get bent! You're not even worthy to drank the crusted rice milk residue at the bottom of the Rice Milk Spokesman's sippy cup! What conviction! I know his strategic sales pitch has me baited & hooked to the point where I'd be able to look past the malnourished old man on the label and buy that nasty rice crap any way!

American kidz are such snobby pricks. Spoiled and whiny, I fear having kidz and then having my feelings demolished by the lookz of dissatisfaction that are sure the grace their pusses Christmas morning. Red, white & blue kidz are selfish and never happy wiff what they got. Asian kidz though? As Spongebob Mania clearly showz us, cute Asian kidz aren't just content with busted ass st00pid McDonalds toys...but they are balls-to-the-wall-shitstorm-screaming THRILLED. Damn...imagine how much their parents save on holiday presentz [feat. how much they have to then spend on earplugz].

So yeah...in conclusion, Asian children are pretty much the greatest people on Earth*.


*female popstars were not included because we all know that nuffin' trumps them!



--------------------------------------
Who is your Monday Muse of January 2011?!
The God Warrior?
Makenzie the Beauty Queen?
Chatterboxxxing Animalz?
or
or this week's Asian Children!?


Saturday, January 29, 2011

Eskimo Mayhem!

Yeah...I know the 8 of you that still visit mah site are probably so sick & tired of me bitching non-stop about the craptastic weather we've been having here in the Northeast. But guess what...it pissez me off so I'm gonna keep whining about it and alienate the rest of you that haven't completely ditched me for Cocky & Rude.

As y'all might know, up where I live in Nueva York & Nueva Jersey, we've been having weekly snowstormz come dropping in on us ever since Xtinamas. And while, yes, it might be SOoOoOooO pWeTtY & bOoTiFuL, but it's also a huge fuckload of irritation.

As alwayz, I spent my week up in New York to make my werk commute easier. And when the 439th snowstorm this month slammed us last Thursday, I could only imagine the icy horror that would await me once the bus dropped mis nalgaz off in Jerzee that Friday night. I expected unmovable melancholy hillz of snowy death and roads of slippery mayhem to be grinning their evil non-existent grinz at me. And for the first time in my life, I didn't overexaggerate the reality!

I frolicked off the bus and noticed that the station's parking lot was actually quite clean. I thanked mah lucky starz [read as: the property owner's dutiful plowslave] that the entire lot was sweeped clean wintry mix. Well...except for a car-shaped pile of snow that was chillaxing near the end of the lot, right where I had parked my coche earlier that week. ::angry face & growl::

Luckily for me, a car must have been parked next to mine when the blizzard hit, for the driver side of Clint [read as: my '91 Subaru Loyale] was more or less cleared, thus only leaving me with 3 sides of my car completely buried in trunk-level snow. YAY!

Sorry it's so dark. The flash on mah camera phone ain't worth shit.

And since I don't believe in spending money on anything, even that which will make my life much easier/less painful, I ignored my mother's countless pleas to purchase a small hand shovel to keep in the back of my car. I attempted to use some broken-ass ice-scrapper to chisel my car out of its winter coccoon, but that shit was NOT flying. So I proceeded to literally hurl my 140 LB body against the walls of snow surrounding my car. 45 minutez later, I was driving on the road [feat. nearly being hit my two separate jerk-offs who weren't paying attention before even leaving the parking lot].

TanxB2Gawd that my roommate is muy intelligente & hired some guy to clean out the hip-level snow that barricaded our driveway (and therefor house) from any human contact. If this isn't the setting for a horror flick, I don't know what is...


And driving up to my house, I legit nearly drove my car into a snow bank, due to what I found when I finally reached my house. To get the full impact of the state of my frustrated shock, I thought I'd take you on a mini-video adventure, retracing my agonizing steps of unwanted winter discovery...

Monday, January 24, 2011

My Monday Muse

Chatterboxxxing Animalz

Animalz are wondrous things. They keep us company when we are sad. They brighten the rainiest of days. They taste derrrriciouz smothered in ranch They grow old wiff us and keep us young with their naive ignorance.


But what are they thinking? Science suggests that some animals have conscious thought, while others argue that we human sapianz are the only assholez on the face o' the Earth that have intelligent pondering skillz. Since science is boring as shit, I just pull up a chair in the middle and say "Eh, either side is right. I don't care."


But after watching this official documentary [read as: British overdubbing on B-roll nature footage], I think it's obvious that we might be underestimating our woodland brethren.



I know...you're shocked that the savage animal kingdom has so much in common with urself! Us humanz prance about wiff our stuffy noses in the air all day long, shunning the animal world...pish, like our shit don't stank [note: actually, mine doesn't, cuz I'm awesome]! But lookie here @ deez aminalz and how they are more like us than we'd ever think...


Like, take the storks. You ever race some greedy old bitch in a crowded parking lot to a shiny front-row spot, only to have her park her azz even though you had your goddamn blinker on?! The storkz, they feel your pain.


And how about the seagulls/pelicans/ugly birds whatever the fuck they are? They must have just watched the last five minutes of Drag Me to Hell...cuz they are crackin' up just as hawd as I did in theaters!


Regret having a swarm of snotty nosed bastardo chillunz?! You're not alone! Mama seal is so over her loud screaming kids, that I bet she will rethink her stance on wildlife abortionz.


And last but not least...the groundhog. If you are desperately trying to get in-touch with your friend, what do you do? Email them? NO...TAKES TOO LONG. Call them? NO...PHONES ARE FOR TEXTING. Send them a letter? NO...THIS IS 2011, NOT 1911!!! You just stand out on your front lawn and scream their name until they appear. That's what I do whenever I need to get in-touch wiff mis amigoz [please note: which is never because all of my friendz have cut-off contact with me since I annoyed them by repeatedly bellowing their namez whenever I wanted their attention].


The animal kingdom is a wondrous place! So the next time you start to feel all high & mighty cuz of your highly developed brainz y emontionz, launch your nalgaz off to the nearest zoo and struck up a convo with some monkeyz or crap like that. You might JuSt MaKe A NeW FwIeND!!!


Saturday, January 22, 2011

My Musical ABCs! - O

PHEW! It feelz like foreva since we've had an installment of Musical ABCs. I know all you peepz breathe for these entries [aka me forcing my music tastes down your gullets]. And we're about to be visited by one of my LEAST favorite Letter People, the loud and rude Ms. O. Bitch is soooo nasty wiff her big fat gob wide open and her swollen pink tongue smacking us in the face. SICK! But let's ignore her obnoxious oval overblown grossness and create an overjoyed overview of all our favorite O-songs!



"The Ocean" by Mae

"The season has changed. The wind, it blows colder now."

As I have mentioned a bajillion timez since I started this blog, I had my first serial grown-up crush during my freshman year of college. In mah eyes, dis d00d was da bee's knees and I attributed an entire catalog of songs to hopelessly exxxpressing [aka hopelessly posting lyrix in my AIM away messages] how I felt about him.

Also, as I've blabbed about, it was during my first year of college that I really started to exxxplore different kinds of music and bands I had never really heard of. And while surfing about on my college's illegal file-sharing network lawfully browsing the compact disc selection at the local record store, I came across the band Mae. They are melodically brilliant, dramatic in their productive and create some of the most lovely lyrix I've ever had the pleasure to become obsessed with.

Their song, "The Ocean," is all about having a secret rendezvous with that certain someone special and rekindling all those goofy, gooey, loveydovey asshole emotionz. It became more or less an emotional footnote to all of the vundervill late-night meet-upz I'd have wiff that certain d00d. But taken out of the nostalgic value, I still find the build-up of song [feat. dramatic piano] to be goddamn breath-taking. Seriously...can't...breathe...



runners-up:

"One of These Days" by Michelle Branch

"On the Radio" by Regina Spektor

"The One" by Vanessa Carlton [feat. Stevie Nicks]

"Our Lips Are Sealed" by Hilary & Haylie Duff



Friday, January 21, 2011

Kittens to Cats


Last weekend I woke up to find all three of my beautiful feline babies sprawled out on my bed [feat. crushing off any blood circulation in my legs]. Aside from the numbness setting into my feet, I couldn't help by tear up a bit when I looked down @ mah Mowgli, Hermanita & Baberz as they snoozed away on the lifeless slabs of flesh I once called my legs.

I was hit with a sense of pride that I hadn't somehow killed them within their lifespan they had all matured from cutie pie boobaloo kitten-totz into a full-fledge meow festival cat parade army brigade! Since I suction violently onto any chance to reminiscent and be nostalgic [feat. a hint of reflective meloncholy] I started looking through some old pix. And look what the fuck I found...



Yes...I know. Your eyes instantly esssplode too? Back when I graduated college (Spring 2008), I moved into mah friend Shawn's house and wiffin the first two w33ks, we acquired two tiny day-old bundlez of kitten joy. My prezzzzious Mowgli & Hermanita were once sooooo small that you could fit both of them in the palm of your mano!


But alas, baby animalz can't always remain itty bitty enough to fit into a boot. They grow up! And just like a motha has to watch her infant child get older [feat. force that greedy mouf to quit the nip!], I watched my unstoppable kitten duo evolve, grow and eventually start sexifying each other like dirrty effing whorez mate to create more felinez to fill the world wiff!


They are gonna be thr33 yearz young which is prox 27 in cat yearz [aka I made that up] this May...look how far they've come!!


Just like their adopting daddy Hermanita & Mowgli LURRRVE spending their weekend mawningz lounging in bed, listening to pop music and blogging about shiz no one givez a fart about. But they haven't just carried on my personality and given me companionship in timez of utter overdramatic, self-imposed loneliness [read as: 90% of mah time], they've also given me another fluffball on unimaginable joy to squeeze and smother with my overbearing obsession love...

...Baberz!!!

I know that many of you [read as: Jere & Polt] might find this post tedious/pointless/melodramtic, but waking up that morning, drowning in a sea of of cats that I myself raised, really got my weak little heart a-chug-a-lugging into overtime. I leave y'all now with three of mah favorite things in the entire world: Fla-Vor-Ice, Dreamgirls & "Regerishonishes" Mowgli, Hermanita & Baberz!



Monday, January 17, 2011

My Monday Muse


Makenzie the Beauty Queen

Much to the expected delight of Dave2, I have a feeling dat Steven the Beautiful might have a competitor in the field of most elegant Monday Muse of all time. It's hawd to be glamorous. You have to dress in fancy clothez [aka toss-aways from Britney Spears' last tour], smile like a demon brighter than the sun, trot about like a graceful steed and sadly, eventually go blind from the bright magical unicorn shade of pink that colors EVERYTHING in your room.

All of us ugly people [aka those who have livez], can't even begin to fathom the depths and strugglez it takes to be pristine/perfect/loved solely for your lookz. We best rezzzzpect the beautiful people...



So many heartz erupted from my stupid chest when I first laid eyez on Makenzie the Beauty Queen. And...like duh! You see that pearly white baby-teef smile?! It glistens! And her negligent, clearly uncaring mother best get her azz in gear. Did I hear your angelic daughter bark scream volcanically belch politely say that she was "late for DiVa DaY"?!?! Tisk...tisk...Momma Makenzie, you don't let a beauty queen EVER be late for DiVa DaY!!!

Sure, she looks like a strung-out Katie Holmes [feat. eye bags galore!], acts a bigger diva than Christina Aguilera and soundz like Lindsay Lohan after a pack or six of cigz, but in some eyes [read as: in my eyes], that's what computes as BEAUTIFUL! Cover her puss in some cucumberz & melted Hershey Kisses and, yep, I'm in love! Swoon City...hear I come!


Saturday, January 15, 2011

I go back to December...

It's January. After two snowstorms and the heaps of annoyances that resulted because of them, we still have god forsaken February & March to suffer through before the sun gets off his lazy ass and starts meltalating this snow and making the outside world bearable again.

It was when my car nearly slid in front of a truck as I tried to inch my way out of my icicle-laden driveway that I realized...WINTER IS THE EFFING PITZ. My stress meter (no, I don't actually have one, but dammit, I should) spikes between November and April tanx to the chaotic hell mess that comes wiff colder weather.

I mean I know the holidaze are maddening and debilitating, but what is it about winter that causes me to want nuffin' more than to curl up into a self-loathing, tear-soaked melancholy ball? And an even better question...HOW COME I LOVED WINTER SO WHEN I WAS A LITTLE TOT? I have decided to use this artarded scholarly cyber-journal to exxxplore the reasons why winter used to kick ass/why it sucks taint now.

Reason #1: Driving

When you're just a rutty little snot, the fastest thing you can legally drive is a sled. So when the clouds start to diahrea cold white snow p00p all ova the ground, chillunz of all ages start jonsing speed and break out their sleds. Swish! Zip! Swoop! It's scientifically proven that the cold has little to no effect on children, so they spend the entire afternoon racing and laughing and enjoying life...


...but then you get older. And you don't have time for ice skating and sled-racing and all that carefree jazz. You are responsible for getting things done. Errands, shopping & work don't disappear into oblivion just because the roads get messy. Instead of racing sled down scenic park hills, you have to dodge fallen treez, small animalz & other cars while you skid and swerve your car across unsalted streets, only to crash your automobile and cry frozen tearz as you watch the wreck get dragged to hell [read as: towed].



Reason #2: Snow Dayz!

Probably the most exxxciting thing about being a kid (not counting birfdays & freezers FULL of Fla-Vor-Ice) is waking up early in the morning during a blizzard, turning on your radio and listening in to the school closings! As a young'un, hearing you have a surprise day off that you can fill wiff video games, bouncing on your bed, watching TV, cornballing and snowman-building is the equivalent to having sex as an adult. Same adrenaline rush I swurrrr...


...but then you get older. And even if there is a terrible monsta snowstorm barelling down on you, you will more than likely have to bundle ur nalgaz up, bust on your broken, cracked shovel that doesn't work, and stab, scrap & shatter your coche out of its ice coffin so you can kill urself driving to werk and spend the rest of your day soaking wet @ a desk, thinking only of how hellish your commute home will be. Oh...and what if you too got the day off cuz of the weather? Be prepared to spending ur day anxxxiously checking your email and pitifully trying to get some sort of productive work flow going in your living room while your bratty little kids scream all day about making snow angels. Hopefully you're like me and love your job so it's slightly bearable!



Reason #3: Weight Gain

Yes...the holiday season can be quite joyous. Gifting & spending time with your lurrrved ones...oh, it is quite MaGiCaL!!! And the foooooood! Candy and hot cocoa and overzealous dinnaz and dessertz by the truckload...we all gorge ourselves as kidz and the mere thought of the holidaze can put any normal kid's tastebudz into orgasmic overload...


...then you get older. Your metabolism deteriorates and you no longer have ur parents to coddle you and inject your body wiff derrriciouz treatz. You spend most of your dayz mad hungerz cuz you've spent all your extra income on Xtinamas giftz for p33pz and therefor can't afford groceriez. Then comes the holidaze and you are scurrred to stuff your gob wiff all the tastiful f00dz your family has prepared, in fear of gaining another stomach that you will vow to exercise off come the New Year, but that you will eventually give-up on werking off and that you just painfully accept as your new outta shape body. Upside? You won't need a pillow under ur shirt to scare the shit outta your kids when you dress up as Santa!



Reason #4: Money, Money, Money

Prolly the one thing I miss the most about being young y ignorant is the fact that I never had to even remotely ponder about monetary exxxpenses of any kind. In your childhood eyez, tus padres have bottomless pockets of gold that keep your house heated, stomach full & your ass clothed in the warmest of clothes, mittenz, bootz & scarvez...


...but then you get older. You move away from your parents and no longer have their walletz to exxxploit for climate-appropriate attire. I seriously haven't had a pair of b00tz since I was 18, cuz Lawdy knowz I ain't gonna pay ova $10 for any piece of clothing! And let's not forget that you more or less live in an iceboxxx since heating a house is better left to millionaires who can afford the ridic chargez that come with!


Reason #5: Holiday Vacation Time

In a child's mind, the word "Christmas" doesn't just bring to mind thoughts of giftz & magic, it also means "EXTENDED TIME AWAY FROM SCHOOL"! In middle/high school, you get weekz of free time, in college you get a month! You can sleep in late and recuperate from the long nightz of studyin' and revive your tired mind with countless hourz of thoughtless reality television and frivolous shopping. Then, when mid-to-late-January rolls around, you are ready to take on the second semester...


But then you get older. And graduate. I've come to learn this year (being as it's my first year of being fully employed and still having friends in school) that while all of the younger generations have days and days to spend frolicking and gozziping and eating and doing all the things I want to do, those in the work force get not days, but more like ONE DAY off tacked onto Christmas weekend to enjoy. You end up counting your minutez and crying when the following Monday comez around along with the end of your non-existent vacation.


------------------------------------
So what about you folkz? What about the winter season used to be fun & exxxciting but now is excruciating & terrible?!


Sunday, January 9, 2011

My Monday Muse

The God Warrior

I've been saving this goldmine of unlimited shiny happiness since I started doing deez Monday Muse installmentz. I mean, for serial, is there anything more inspiring than watching someone profess their undying faith?! Yes, listening to "Firework" on repeat after you've had a bad day @ work and you start bawling on the subway NO!

I think we all need a little more angelic guidance in our lives. Like Mandy Moore wisely once said, "all you gotta do is have a little faith"! And there is no better teacher in the art of pure & loving [read as: loud & potentially violent] devotion than dis week's Muse!





Trading Spouses is a brilliantly constructed social exxxperiment [read as: fucked up exxxploitive reality TV show] that takes mommas from two completely different families, puts them in each other's houses and then lets the cameras roll as the shiz hitz the fizz.

And The God warrior is by far the most infamous and glamorous of all da wivez that have ever been switched about. Our Jesus soldier had to spend a week living with some free-spirited, open-minded non-Christian family (poor girl!) and her retelling of the surely Lucifer-inspired hell she went through is HeArTbReAkInG!!

GARGOYLEZ! PSYCHICS! TAROT CARDS! MOONS! WITCHBOOKS! The God Warrior was put through the ringa, and all she needed was for us to pray for her. And did we?! NO! We should all be ashamed of ourselves! She's been sayin' & preachin' & prayin' & sayin' the w3rdingz of Jeebuzz and I think it's high time we listen!

Who needs a well adjusted mind & a reasonable body fat percentage when Lawdy Lawd is in your heart & (deranged) mind?!

Oh...you think all dis "dawk-sided" blabbering is just for show? You think she didn't really rip up her prize moniez but instead just a rando piece of junk mail? Well take a pick at THIS HURR clip and you'll see how overcome with the barbaric/non-Christian lifestyle of her foster family she really got [read as: the dryer brole & she pretends sumfing smellz bad].



Saturday, January 8, 2011

Bloggy Gift Exxxtravaganza (2010 Remix)!!


YAY! I know you've all be anxiously checking Josh Is Trashy everyday to see when the much-anticipated GIFT EXCHANGE fotografias would post (and I really do appreciate the boost in mah view count aka mah reason for breathing)! I was afraid that after the overwhelming tsunami of success that came with last year's gifting experiment that this year might pale in comparrison. But as with most things I say & believe I was wrong!

Well, wiff da help of the beautiful & elegant & organized BEST PERSON TO EVER EXIST IN THE ENTIRE WORLD EVER [aka Michelle!!! EEEEEEEEE!!!!], I am bringing you the cyber Josh Is Trashy Holidaze Fiesta!!

Let's start with the snoozining and get to the show 'n' tell pictures!

ADAM!

Craig sent me some awesome gifts! I'm now the proud owner of a Green Eggs & Ham t-shirt and the literary masterpiece, "The Penis Name Book: A Guide To Naming Man's Best Friend." He also sent a laser pointer for Spring. She loved it! THANKS CRAIG!! :-D


JERE!

Corey sent me "Matchless" by Gregory Maguire, the author of "Wicked." The book is a retelling of the Little Matchbook Girl story that is both sad and heartwarming. I read it to my nieces and nephews while visiting them for the holidays and had to choke back tears while they squirmed to go do something more fun.


HEATHER!

M. Nico sent me a book called "Knitting Nature," which has all these funky knitting patterns AND a bunch of math. I love it -- it's a perfect present for me. (This photo also features our cat Baberz Ria, who's having a good morning, Godzilla the knitter, mini-G, and our 10-year old, who is pointing to the abbreviation for Bind Off and laughing.)


FDOT!


My gifter was John. After shoveling the package out from under 16 inches of snow, I opened it to discover this amazing picture of Chip and Dale. It's sort of a 3-D layered image and is now my prized Disney possession. Even better, when I go to sleep at night, they come to life and talk to me. I also received *three bars of delicious gourmet chocolate. Nom. Nom. Nom.

*bars consumed immediately after picture.


PAUL!

Josh very cleverly combined my advanced age and my love of sci-fi to find me a excellent book I affectionately refer to as “My Bucket List”. I also loved the home made Christmas cardboard! [Josh's EDITOR'S NOTE: Not shown is the awesome holiday celebrity collage on the other side of the cardboard!]


POLT!

I got my gifts from the lovely and gingery Adam! First of all, they all came wrapped in awesome red/green Christmasy Superman wrapping paper! I got a "Cock-A-Doodle Pad" which is a notepad with drawings of naked men on them...but sans gentialia. So whilst I'm on hold on the phone, I can draw in any kind if willy that suits my fancy. I got a "Dicky Dickhead", which is the naughty cousin of Mr. Potatohead, cept that he'd a dick. I got a Penis Christmas Tree ornemant, which of course NO Christmas Tree should be without. I got a pack of mints the size of a matchbox with the words "I (heart) my penis" on it. Who knew someone made a box like that with EXACT sentiment that runs through my head???


MARCUS!

My gift exchange sender was Heather. I received soda cracker candy, a bacon wallet & Cranberry Tex-Mex salsa.


MICHELLE!

My perfect gifts were from Talita. She sent me heaven in a little gold box (which I did not share with Harry). And this fantastically cute Wonder Woman mirror which reveals my alter-ego when I look into it. Thank you, Talita!


COREY!

I found out my 'Secret Santa' is Mush from Walla Walla, WA. She sent me some fantastic Spanish/Mexican chocolate candies and goodies. Some of which I have never heard of. I'm having a great time sampling them all. But the most special thing about the present is that she wrote in the attached Christmas card that she made a $10 donation to one of my favorite charities that I support: Room to Read. What a great gift!


JOSH!

FDot is obviously an educated man who spendz his time wisely reading important interweb publications like Josh Is Trashy! And his dedication frrrealz paid off (in mah favor)! He musta been taking notez as he read, for he knew that two of mah favorite singaz people ever are P!nk & Jared Leto. Now I can become the #1 P!nk exxxpert (if I wasn't already) by reading her biography while taking restive breakz to stare longigly @ a poster of mah rawkstar twin, Mr. Leto! LOVEZ IT! MUCHAS GRACIAS!


RYAN!

Chris D. sent me "The Science of Cooking" and a GIR ornament.


DAVE2!

Polt sent me this awesome Batman shirt. Now I strike fear in evil-doers wherever I go! It's pretty awesome... even though I don't have the muscles to fill it out properly. It's tough to take a picture since the shirt makes me all stealthy and stuff but, luckily, my Bat-iPhone was up to the task!


ENRICO!

For the trashy gift exchange I got a big box full of presents! I got this sweet flannel hoodie, the novel "The Tin Drum" from Nobel Prize Winner Günter Grass, and chocolate chip cookies! As an English major, I've heard a lot about Grass and am excited to finally read one of his books. I even got a bookmark feat. some old lady who used to be a famous singer or something but then she stood on a grate and her dress blew all around and then she died of an overdose. Thanks Paul!


M. NICO!



The unbelievably awesome Tam sent each one of the Spawn of Nico a small lunch box filled with goodies which they absolutely loved, especially the mittens (SoN#1 even wore them to bed, a mark of honor reserved for his most cherished possessions). Next is me with a selection of fine Canadian Spirits, in miniature! Tam also sent a selection of delicious cookies, which did not survive long enough to photograph so I am just holding the empty tin! But that's not all! Tam also sent a Canada t-shirt, which my wife immediately claimed as hers as she is originally from Canadia herself. I can't express how much I loved this gift, Tam is the best!

TALITA!

I received Bubble Bath and a bath pillow from Jere, This is a great gift because I love to take baths!! :o)


MEL!

My gift came from Dave2 and is a shrink-wrapped gift package from where he lives - Cashmere, WA - which is in the apple-growing part of the Washington's desert country. I am totally psyched to cook up the apple pancakes and drench them in the boysenberry jam and apple syrup. The fruit jelly & nut candies are kind of weird but already half gone, and the Walla Walla onion mustard made me think of Mush, who lives in Walla Walla. I think she and Dave need to meet up in IRL, because I'm pretty sure they're geeks of a feather.


CHRIS D.!

David P. was my gift giver. He gave me the most amazingly serious pickles I have ever experienced, a relaxing Celtic music CD, and awesome Allegro tea.


CRAIG!

My gift (actually, GIFTS!) came from the illustrious Mikey! I got Christmas-colored argyle trunks (is that what the kids are calling short as hell boxer-briefs these days?), Christmas-colored argyle socks, and the ultimate geek pen! Seriously, that's what it's called! It comes with a laser pointer, flashlight, UV light (to check for counterfeit bills!), oh yeah, and something to write with! It's amazing! Thanks Mikey!


JOHN!

I received my gift from Enrico! Enrico sent me "A Short History of The Honey Bee" book, which has some great photos and information on honey bees. As mentioned, this totally feeds my inner geek. The book has some great information and fantastic pictures. He also sent me lovely card and a gift certificate to The Home Depot that came with a pop up card of its own! It is soooo cool! It appears my relationship with The Depot is going to continue, but hey, I can stop any time. Really, anytime I want. Thanks for the great gifts Enrico!


JUSTIN!

Marcus was my gift-giver and he sent me two kinds of ceylon tea :) Nice! :)


DAVID PASTELNEONCAKE!

Here I am enjoying delicious cookies from Ryan.


TAM!

I got this amazing hand knitted hat (which just happens to match the shirt I'm wearing) and will keep my brain toasty as I have to walk from my parking garage to my building at work. I also got two chocolate bars from Coastline Confections and we got two gorgeous jars of jam, Maine wild blueberry and raspberry peach champagne, also from a company in Maine. Thanks so much Mel, I'm looking forward to breakfast so I can have toast and jam.


MIKEY!

From the fabulous Michelle McKee, I received a cornucopia of amazing things! I don't know how she knew exactly what to get me! I got a delicious block of cheese and heavenly crackers to eat it with. Naturally, I ate the cheese all at once and nibbled on the crackers over the next few days. I also got the "Gourmet Christmas Cookie Cookbook," which is perfect! You can now all expect homemade Christmas cookies from me next year! Michelle must also know that I like to drink because she gave me glass markers in the form of twelve friendly party people. However the pièce de résistance was my very own framed photo of Justin Bieber. I will now sleep easy knowing he is beaming back at me. Rounding out my box of treasures was a chocolate bar, some jelly beans and candy canes! Thanks Michelle!


MUSH!

From Justin - OMG THREE FLAVORS OF CHOCOLATE TRUFFLES SHAPED LIKE MICE OM NOM NOM NOM NOM -- um, yeah, those are totally gone now.


---------------------------------------------

Okay folkz! There we go! The Josh Is Trashy Bloggy Gift Exxxchange Supa 2010 Remix Splashdown in da Dangerzone Whirlwind Festival is OVER! Time to put 2010 to bed and start slashing away at 2011 like a weed-whacker! Hope y'all had some fun...before we know it, nexxxt November will be on us again & we can do dis all ova again! Now if you exxxcuse me, I must reconfirm my ability to name all of P!nk's singles in order of chart debut and compare my facial expressions in the mirror to that of Jared Leto (in mah desperato attempt to become his stunt double).

MWUAH MWUAH MWUAH TO Y'ALL!