Sunday, December 19, 2010

INFECTED!

I know I have been slightly MIA the past week...but I swurr it isn't mah fault! Last weekend, while I was trying to illegally watch The Big C attempting to donate large sums o' money to starving chillun foundationz, I somehow contracted a terrible new computer virus! It was one of those awful bastardoz that embed themselves deep inside your computer and inundate you with pop-ups.

This one in partix kept alerting me that my computer was about to esssplode and all my memory was shriveling up and that if I didn't purchase this bullshiz program, my world as I know it would come to an end. It also blocked all of my current virus software from running and fixxxing it. Luckily, Josh Is Trashy reader Justin is a computer expert or sumfing and sent me some spyware removal tool that I believe exorcised that virus from my poor laptop.

And while I am beyond thrilled that I got that effing bullcrap out of my computer, I am annoyed that I ended up wasting a good 5 hours farting around with it. It ticks me off that there are lame ass n3rd paradez that sit around all day making pointlessly obnoxious computer viruses, just to ruin my life.

My seething anger eventually mellowed into a pitying frustration. I began to brainstorm a plethora of things that a st00pid, ugly, out-of-shape, malicious bastard n3rd festival could do instead of inventing debilitating digital diseases...


Use your advanced (and misplaced) intelligence for good by brainstorming cost-effective & widely beneficial ways to help the homeless. Ideas? Holiday snack packs and insulated sidewalk-friendly sleeping bags.


Use your fancy fingawork to learn an instrument. Instead of typing out diabolical codes of disaster [feat. ruining many peepz' afternoons!], how about plunking about on a piano a delicious melody?! The first time you play "White Houses" all the way through, it will be like you've just been reborn!


Enrich your cultural mind and go see a critcally-acclaimed dark, psychologically provocative artsy thriller [ie Black Swan, Black Swan or Black Swan]. Then go home and have a 60-minute analytical discussion about the finer points of subtle symbolism throughout.


Why don't you extend your life by 10 years and start exercising to werk off that five-Hot-Pockets-for-dinner lard flab you've procured from yearz of over-eating greasy shit in front of your evil methlab of a computer?


I'm sure that since you started on your condemnable downward spiral into cyber-terrorism, you've lost touch wiff all of your amigoz. I'm sure if you picked up the telefono and gave dem a ring and apologized for ignoring them in exxxchange for ruining everyone's life via hackinating the interwebz, they'd forgive you and want to rekindle your friendship.


You readerz got any ideaz, just in case any virus-scheming buttholez stumble upon my blog?! Let's deter cyber chaos!


6 comments:

Tam said...

I think they should come and clean my house including scrubbing toilets. Then they'll be too tired to write stupid code. Glad you got it cleaned up. We had one like that on our desktop. Ugh.

hoteltuesday said...

Use their coding skills to hack into Billboard and make Cannibal the number one album (and knock Jackie Evangelista and her 4 track album down a couple hundred spots)

Milo said...

Haha, those are certainly better things he should be doing with his time rather than propagating viruses. Like it!

Michelle M. said...

Those are all great ideas. Glad you're up and running again.

I can't wait to see Black Swan.

Justin said...

LOL! I'm just glad you depicted the n3rd with glasses and a MUSTACHE and not glasses and a BEARD ;-)

You're much nicer than most people btw: most people would (to quote a tweet I read earlier this evening about spammers): "make them eat their own fried genitals". Instead of thinking of ways to punish then, you think of ways to suggest they become productive members of society -- much nicer :)

Glad your computer is still running ok -- it was my pleasure to help :)

Chris D. said...

I'm glad to hear that Justin was able to help you get sorted. If a system becomes compromised, I tend to recommend a reformat and reinstall just to be safe. There are nefarious rootkits out there that can be hard to detect.

In the future, consider running as a limited user account when doing risky activity, so as to reduce the potential of a persistent infection. You could also consider using a sandbox, like SandboxIE. Also make sure all your applications (Firefox, Flash, Acrobat, Java, Video Player and codecs) that may come into contact with untrusted data are patched and up to date.

When I was in high school some of my friends thought it was cool to try to code viruses and Trojans. Fortunately they didn't know their ass from their elbow, and I wasn't about to teach them how to do it. That sort of destructive thing never appealed to me. I was always more into developing constructive productivity applications.

In high school I wrote a super cool OS/2 and DOS file manager program! It had some really powerful features that were ahead of its time. For me, building a really cool program felt like building a sky scrapper. I loved that feeling of accomplishment. Not bad for a kid.

That path turned out well for me. Now many of the largest companies in the world use software I wrote for mission critical aspects of their operation. That makes me happy.