Thursday, November 11, 2010

So like...what's ya sign??

I've tried to deny it, but I admit that I am full-time believer in ways of astrology. Okay...I don't really put much value on that prediction horoscope fuckery that some peepz swear by (though that doesn't stop me from reading mine in the back of OK! Magazine whenever I'm in the grocery store line). However, the belief that your personality is partially decided based on when you were born during the year is sumfing I buy into.

Think about it! During the year, the Earth is at different orbital levels and shit like gravity or tides or some other nature crap like that all change, and when you're chilling out in your motha's stomach, you could be altered in how your fragile brainz and body are formed.

Oh, I can see you rolling your eyez all over the place...but I recently checked out the Pisces (my sign) page @ and wowza! The description is pretty precise in describing moi!

Let's check out some stated factz about Pisces, and see if this shit really matches up to WhO mAh ReFLeCtIoN sAyz I Am iNsiDE!

"Pisces alternate between reality and non-reality...many people associate pisces with dreams and secrets."

As we all know, I for serialz spend the majority of mah pointless wittle life daydreaming about a grand fantastical world where I am successful, rich, well-loved & famous. Since I highly doubt any of deez adjectivez will actually ever been used in the same sentence as mah name, I really do find myself blankly staring out into space like a dead person while my brainz pulse about with st00pid American Idol fantasies & dramatic Oscar acceptance speechez.

"These folks are selfless, spiritual."

I don't know if I'd really call myself patient enough to be considered religious by any stretch, but I do like to relate to peepz. I do believe in the practice of karma or whatever. I open the door for old bitchez and I compliment whores on their outfitz (if they're slutty enough), cuz who doesn't like to be told that their hot pink gummy bracelets match their smeared lipschtick just right?! In return, I've had people compliment my personality/sense o' humor/charity my shoes and a toddler tell me that my smile "wasn't ugly."

"They're not quite pushovers, but they're certainly sensitive. Yes, they could cry you a river if the circumstances were right." I am constantly on the verge of crying. Anything can pretty much set me off. Stubbed toe? Cry. Hard day @ werx? Cry! Cute baby/cat/Penelope? CRY! Pretending I'm okay with it all & acting like there's nuffin' wrong?! CRY!!!!!!!!!!! Shedding tearz ova the good, bad, happy & sad has become so customary en mi vida that I can actually force my ojoz to vomit up salty droplets of sorrow whenever I will them to! It's a great way to get what I want [read as: it doesn't fool anyone and just endz up annoying everyone around me]!

"More relaxation for the Fish comes in the way of sports, specifically water sports."

Okay...mountainz of sorriez to the zodiac king or whoever, but dis right here is so not me in any way dat I'm thinking about forcing mi madre to rebirth me during another zodiac month span (details still being ironed out about how to do this). I suck @ swimming & I blow hard frothy chunks @ playing sports. Combing the two? Probably a water-based death [feat. a lot of pain]. Sportz? Pish...I'll wait till Idol comez back on, tank you berry mucho!


So that was my astrological analyst. 3 outta 4 facts fit like a glove. Whattayaboutchooo? What's your sign? Check out and let us know if your fruity little star sign matches up wiff who you are as a person!


Justin said...

I'm about as libra as you can get. I'm indecisive because I can always see both sides and keep weighing the pluses and minuses. And I'm ruled by Venus -- I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm a textbook libra :)

that's J-O-S-H said...

Justin: You've looked at EVERYTHING from both sides now?!

Chris D. said...

I'm a Virgo. I guess some of the attributes fit me. Perhaps that is the magic of the signs, someone can always find some of the attributes that fit them.

I don't put much stock in astrology. I'm constantly evolving as a person, and no sign can contain me! ;)

My date from hell (years ago), was VERY into astrology. He also claimed to be an Empath. I am now very wary of guys who are into astrology.

Someone is totally going make a dirty joke about you and "water sports". I'm just surprised it wasn't Justin. ;)

Mel said...

I once had a housemate who was a Pisces. He told people he was a lesbian (Get it? Two fish in a 69? Har Har).

I'm an Aries, and match a lot of the attributes. My moon sign, though, is Libra, the exact opposite of Aries. This, I'm told, 1) is pretty unusual, and 2) means that my rougher Aries traits are kind of smoothed out. Maybe, though, we just read what we want into the signs.

vuboq said...

I am a Pisces. I'm not really into the water sports either.

Mr. Not-Nearly-As-Fantastic-As-I-Originally-Thought would *not* shut up about astrology and signs and stuff. Drove me crazy. He would gloat when he was right and make excuses when he was wrong about someone's sign and/or behavior based on the sign.

Tam said...

I am a pretty typical Taurus.

Patient and reliable - Pretty much
Warmhearted and loving - I think so
Persistent and determined - Depends
Placid and security loving - Yep

On the dark side....

Jealous and possessive - Not so much
Resentful and inflexible - Don't think so, or I've gotten more flexible as I've gotten older
Self-indulgent and greedy - Nooooo

I said something about my supervisor to my new admin and he goes "It's because she's a Scorpio". Huh? It's because she's a lame supervisor. LOL I just let him go on about it, but like Vuboq I thought it was kind of weird and annoying.

There are a lot of Tauruses in our family. My Mom and step-Dad are both Taurus as well 4 of my cousins. Plus the kid was supposed to be one but due to a late arrival she landed in Gemini.

Justin said...

Heh not EVERYTHING, Josh. Certainly clouds, love, and life ;-)

And @Chris :) Yeah my reputation got earned me that comment: but although I'm an innuendo-aholic there are *DEFINITELY* some things I prefer not to think about. And: eww! :)

Anonymous said...

Well honey, I, your madre, as you know am also a Pisces. And also like you , I fit the profile very well...except for the sports thing. Where did they get that from?! I can understand the swimming, because of the fish thing, and Neptune being our ruling planet. I do love the water, and I can swim, but I'm far from an aquatic wonder!
I am, however, very sensitive, romantic, sensitive to others feelings bigtime, etc. Your ability to cry at the drop of a hat is I think mostly genetic, you get that from both me and your Dad, and he's not a Pisces.

Oh, by the way, don't worry about ironing out the details of how I can give birth to you again...I go through the horrible pain of childbirth only ONCE per child!! So you're stuck with being a Pisces forever I'm afraid!

Love you, mom

Michelle M. said...

I'm a Gemini. Which seems about right. Harry is a Capricorn (and fits the profile), and we are not compatible according to the stars. Oh well.

Dave2 said...

I'm an Aries. Apparently I am happiest in a spirited soccer match or engaging in the martial arts.

I did not know this about myself!

Anonymous said...

I'm a libra, no doubt about it. At times making decisions kills me; I'm constantly weighing the scales. However, once I do make a decision, almost nothing will make me change or alter it in anyway. It is final! I think that is why it is so hard to make decisions, and why for certain decisions I will literally put myself through hell until I finally make up my mind! I look at every possible scenario and angle, and it is exhausting. But I can't help it, it is me. The horoscope description on the website was almost spooky on how right on it was! Crap that is so me.

And I can't stand conflict, another classic libra trait. I will go waaaaaaay out of my way to avoid it. I can also tell right away about people, and my insight is rarely wrong. I can pick up on any negative vibes in a heart beat.

I only believe in some aspects of astrology because I believe there is an element of science in it, I think you are right in your descriptions Josh. When people try to put any spiritual element to astrology, that is where I differ. If you think about it, we are mostly made of water, and just like the tides and water surfaces of the earth being affected by the moon and planetary shifts, we are no exception. Or something like that. I can go on, but will stop here; anyway, astrology is cool, but I don't follow it that much. There is always the possiblity that you see what you want to see (like the placebo affect) and almost any trait from any sign can be a part of someone's personality.


anne marie in philly said...

(waves to josh's madre)

I personally don't put much into astrology. I believe that you grow and change as you experience life challenges.

I am a virgo; the website said about me: "You’ve come to expect other people to be disorganized, though deep down, you know that it’s all relative — and you’re at the far end of the scale! Try to be tolerant of others’ foibles for now."

I am organized, a perfectionist, but fuck tolerance; patience, I haz none!

madtexter (corey james) said...

I believe in some of that crapperz too. I fully believe external earthen/space gravitation stuff can form your personality. It's a physiological thang.

As for me, I'm an Aries: they are described as people who are "pioneering quick witted and direct in approach" (er, at least that's what was written on the back of an astrology keychain I bought at K-Mark when I was 17.) We also are quick starters, but get bored very easily. Now THAT is SO me. If I can't find the solution to something within a reasonable amount of time, I change course and go at it from another angle. If I'm still not satisfied, then I drop it all together, because life is too short to spend time on things that are a bore.

callonmevalerie said...

I'm glad you already picked out the Pisces quotes, because that means my lazy ass didn't have to go to the website and look anything up!

My friend Angelica had that book called "sextrology", focusing on astrology and relationships/sex. It had a column for turn ons/offs, which listed among them "androgynous men" and "homewrecking" (thanks, book), but then weirded me out by saying "strong jawline" and "delicate features", which I had literally said to my old manager a few days prior - verbatim, "oh Ben, you're so attractive with your strong jaw line and delicate features." WEIRD.

TED said...

If astrology has any legitimacy, it's not enough to look at a description for a sign and think that it fits. You need to look at the descriptions for all of the other signs, and see whether they fit, as well. Whenever I meet someone who volunteers something about astrology and then asks me what my sign is, I always ask him to guess: if it's such a valid system, he should be able to figure it out, right? I have yet to meet anyone who got it right on the first through fourth tries. At that point, I stop them and tell them what the sign is, and they always say, "Oh, yeah, that makes sense," and I always roll my eyes.

Melody, Destroyer of Dreams said...

I believe in it. I am totally gemini and John is totally Cancer-Leo cusp.

And **clears throat** I DO guess people's signs all the time and I am right 95% on the first try. Obviously this takes into account how well I knwo the person-you can't just pick some random Joe off the street, talk to them for 5 minutes and expect to know their sign. People are very good at putting up masks to their actual personalities for job purposes, socializing necessities, etc. To accurately guess a sign you really need to have gotten some real insight into someone's personality.

I myself am a gemini through and through.

tornwordo said...

You should check out Susan Miller's monthly forecasts at I love reading those at the beginning of each month. Maybe it was a different kind of water sports being referenced.

Ray Avito said...

That pic of your brain totally packing up and leaving cracked me up big time!