Thursday, October 28, 2010

What kind of fuckery are you?!

Oooooh mah goooooobnezz! We're only a pocketful of dayz away from Helloweeeeen! Are all of y'all shakin' in your bootiez?! SppoooOoOOoOOOOOoky!

Now, as well all know, I don't gotz televisor en mi casa, and during the week when I stay @ Duhvid's, I for usualz don't get around to watching more than total prox 5 hourz of TV a week. And while I for serialz don't really miss rotting my brainz for hourz on end, I am sure that if I did have cable, I'd totez be watching all those marathon seasonal countdownz of the ScArIeSt MoViEz Of aLL TiMe, that every entertainment channel would be airing on repeat.

But since I ain't gon be watching any of that telly, I thought I'd have MY OWN effing list in preparation of the upcoming holiday. So here are some of mah FAVORITE MONSTERZ OF ALL TIME!

Deez herre babiez will tear your shiz UP [read as: eat your ass whole]. Anyone that ever watched the USA Network in the '90s is no stranger to these creaturez, cuz that station played the movie Tremors like clockwork on the weekend.

If you haven't seen it (you poor, deprived child), lemme explain. Basically Kevin Bacon and some other people who don't really matter live in a desert town that gets attacked by a bunch of overgrown cannibal wormz that chase their nalgaz around for an hour & a half. There...ENTIRE PLOT in one sentence.

These living breathing carnivorous vacuums are not to be effed wiff...they can gobble up AZN shop ownerz faster than I can gobble up (and immediately vom) a bowl of Caramel Cremes!

Cloverfield Monsta

For serial, one of mah favorite thingz of ALL TIME. The monsta from Cloverfield kickz the major azz of Godzilla, King Kong, Snorlax and any other gargantuan creaturez set on terrorizing large populationz of people!

Every time I am strutting myself through Manhattan, I constantly look over the skyline, half expecting hoping to see a Cloverfield monsta come dancing in my direction. CUTE!

And the scariest thing about this plus-size beauty?! He doesn't give a h00t about patriotism! HELL NO HE DIDN'T... yes he did just decapitate the Statue of Liberty and wasn't even like "Oh...whoops," afterwards. He just smashed that shit and then went on to smash MORE shit [aka buildingz, monumentz, people, dreamz]. LOVEZ IT.


Yeah. So...yeah. You probably gave your computer screen the same confused look that the little princess gave in the photo above. I mean, sure, Turklez might not be "scary," but he sure is weirder and more uncomferz looking than a regular turkey!

But hey, that didn't stop the d00dz from MGMT from featuring his collapsing cuerpo in their video de musica, "Congratulations"! I finished that vid feeling so depressed with myself, that I watched it 5 more times on repeat (I like being pensive & sad!).

Though the guyz from MGMT are milez more charitable than my ass is. I wouldn't dare touch his decomposing saggy flesh pieces. Not without at least 3 layered pairs of heavy-duty rubber glovez, at least. Hellz, I don't wanna get any of the salmonella that Turklez is peddling. I get enough of that during Tanxgiverz!

Charlize Theron

You must be tinking to yourself, " IDIOT. Charlize Theron is a gorg, talented thespian who is the antithesis of a monsta," but since she did play a MONSTER in the movie Monster, I am still gon include her! "But Jooooosh! That was just the NAME of the movie...she actually played a serial killer!" to which I say, CHUT UT, dis herre is my blog and I run deez rules! Now stop your damn hop-scotching & getthehellouttamahyard!

Phew...where were we? OH YEAH. Charlize Theron playz that scary ass woman Aileen Wuomos who was a hitchiking hooker that killed d00dz and stole their cash while making out wiff Christina Ricci or some shit.

She won the Oscar for her performance (WELL DESERVED) and I think her make-up artist magician should have also snagged a statuette, cuz grrrlfriend is fug in this pelicula. AaAaAhhh...the horror of split-endz!


As I'm sure you all know...I am a (not-so-)closeted video game n3rd parade. Especially when I was still in school, I would hurry to get all mah st00pid homewerx done, just so I could spend hours days in front of the TV shooting crap & fighting crap & racing crap & RPGing crap & discovering crap out in my precious video gamez!

And one of mah favorite franchisez was Resident Evil (durhz...I was a teen boy wiff a serious streak of gothic morbidity)! They were challenging but I managed to beat a handful of them. However, Resident Evil 3: Nemesis was a hurdle I was never able to jump. A mountain I could never climb. A heart that I could never tame.

And it was mainly because of the god awful controlz! the stud above. The Nemesis was the main villian of the game and from the get-go, would randomly pop up at odd moments and chase your ill-equipped ass around for what felt like hours, until he eventually put your outta ur misery and ended you via a collection of horrible (albeit entertaining) ways.

Mi hermana Melody & tired for weeks to beat this mess of a game, until we ultimately gave up and huddled together in fearful failure and cried ourselves into a coma. Thanks Nemesis!


I think I've already wasted your time blathering shared wiff you my childhood OBSESSION with this hot chica above, but aw hell...she deserves anotha round of luving! (ew.) Oblina was 1/3 of every child's favo scaresome trio on Nickelodeon's Aaahh!!! Real Monsters.

Wiff her bigazz lips, candy cane bod and buggy eyez, Oblina was for def def defferz the sexxxiest monster that ever attended the monster academy of mah heart! And not only is she bootiful [read as: WTF are you?!], she's also 10x smarter than all the other artards that went to school with her.

She had dis trick where she'd visit peepz while they slept and massage their brainz through their earholez wiff her finger. Then they'd have nightmares and piss their sheets. WHO DOES THAT?! Oblina, that's who. Respect.


What about you cholitoz y mamacitaz?! Which monstaz fill your skullz wiff fear and haunt every step you make?! Let's dizzzzzcuss! (Oh, and vampirez, ghosts, zombiez + witches are NOT monsters; they are vampirez, ghosts, zombiez + witches.)


Chris D. said...

I think Jason from Friday the 13th was the earliest movie monster to scare me. When I was young, I had a friend who was very into those movies.

Freddy from Nightmare on Elm Street would also make my list of top movie monsters.

I was never a big horror film guy, so I haven't seen (or remembered) very many.

Mel said...

I think Blair Witch scared me more than anything else, mostly because you never saw the damn thing. As I was pulling big clots of blood out of a dog tonight - along with a tumor that was as big as I was when I was born - my tech and I started talking about how much they reminded us of those things in "Slither".

Melody, Destroyer of Dreams said...

The child eating monster from Pan's Labrinth did me in pretty hard. That bitch is creepy, fugly, and he eatz you if you steal his grapes!!

Polt said...

What scares me the most this Halloween? Three words: Speaker John Boehner. >shiver, cringe<

For the non-political amongst us, I'd say the fast moving infected people in 28 Days Later. I mean, them sonsabitches were FAST! Zombie like creatures are bad enough, but when they can outrun, that's scary! :)


anne marie in philly said...

"the haunting" with julie harris. scared the piss outta me.

"gobble up (and immediately vom) a bowl of Caramel Cremes!" - NOTHING wrong with caramel cremes; made in baltimore, yummy yummy yum!

have a good weekend!

Michelle M. said...

That little girl's expression in the last photo is awesome.

I guess I'd say the monster from The Thing was scary. And I liked the way the monster from The Host swung around the bridge.

Charlize Theron - you crack me up!

Anonymous said...

Oooh, good post. I would have to say the scariest monster to me is none other than Reagan, (not sure if the name is spelled right), when she is totally demonized in the The Exercist. Scaaaary, to this day, the book the movie is based on is the only scary book that I couldn't finish. It creeped the hell out of me. What kind of of horror fan am I?!

Have a great Halloween! :)


Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, this is a good one Josh! Not easy for me, being the huge horror fan I've been since I was a kid, I have seen MANY movies that scared me out of my wits. When I was a kid, the wolfman movies really creeped me out. As an adult, I have to say "The Ring" and "The Grudge" scared me so much!! They're so eerie, twisted, and made me feel uneasy for days after I saw them.
But the scariest scene from any movie I've seen remains that infamous shower scene in the original "Psycho". I was a young teenager when I saw it, and it scared me to pieces!! I still think it's one of the best horror movies ever made.

Happy Halloween!!!
Love, mom

Tam said...

I don't like scary movies as a rule. Those that I do watch tend to end up with me feeling badly for the monster.

Alien - Ooooohh scary. Wait, she's protecting her baby? Leave her alone, get away from her.

Predator - Ooooooohh bad monster, wait, he's just hunting substandard humans? Leave him alone!

I do like sandworms. I saw and interesting piece, I think it was a drawing or maybe a video explaining the physics and logic behind sandworms. Very cool.

I don't like anything with snakes. Medusa? Didn't feel sorry for her. Basilisk in Harry Potter? Kill that sucker. So I guess that is my big monster weakness.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Chris D: Yay for Freddy! He was such a dick to everyone...and then killed 'em.

Mel: @ the end of that movie, I was huddled under a blanket SCREAMING @ the TV, "WHY ARE THEY JUST STANDING IN THE CORNER?!?! WHYYYYYY?!?!?"

Smellody: YAY! Can't blame him though -- chillunz are annoying & I'd be pissed if someone stole my grapes (or any food for that matter) as well!

Polt: Boeing? Is that like a kind of airplane or sumfing? And yay for "28 Days Later"! Those sumbitchez were ruthless.

Anne Marie: Oh...I LOVE Caramel Cremes, but if I eat too many, I get fat and then throw them up. And right when I read your comment, Taylor Swift's "Haunted" just came on my shuffle!

Michelle: That beautiful sasstastic queen is actually cropped from a pic with Hilary Clinton...HAH! Also, I've never seen "The Thing," but I've seen exerts of the monster transforming into crazzzy shit and scary the dung out of everyone. NETFLIXING NOW.

Cindy: WUSS! I read that book in 2 hours while sitting in a haunted house with ghosts taking turns possessing me and werewolves eating my toes...NOT SCARY [aka I have never even picked up the book]!

Mom: Dead little grrrlz are so creepy. Ug...sick! Just die & stay dead you crazzzy bitches.

Tam: Medusa is mad funky and played out. Don't be scurrred of her. She thinks she's all hawt shit, but let's put Rhonetta in the same room wiff her and wait to see who out-sasses who.

hoteltuesday said...

I love Nemesis!! Jill is the best. Do you remember the easy final battle?! "Push in batteries or sumthing and Nemesis is dead." BOO.