Friday, October 22, 2010

They call it "Turn-Styling"...

So sorry I've been slacktastic recently. But since my last Musical ABCs entry produced ABYSMAL resultz, I've fallen into a deep dark bloggy depression tunnel that has been nearly impossible to scratch and claw my way out of But since my work was crazzzy mania da past few days, and what wiff all that music festival bizznezz taking place in NYC all week, I've had barely any time to even do the most essential tingz like bathe, sleep and watch Adult Swim!

But I come to you now, folkz...looking for solace and therapeutic understanding...for I have witnessed an act so disturbing, that not even Polt will be able to joke at the expense of my tarnished virgin ojoz!

While leaving work on Tuesday, I headed down to the usual subway station by my office building and walked to the usual platform to get on the usual train that I take to David's usual apartment. But sumfing was unusual that day.

A crowd of grumblin' New Yorkerz were "ha-rumphing" about in front of the two Metrocard turnstilez and slowly pushing their way through just one of dem. Being the impatient and easily annoyed prick eager and inquisitive young whippersnappa I am, I moved through the messy crowd of peepz to see why the second swipe-entrance wasn't being utilized. And I came face to face wiff dis:

[Artist's note: whorez in above photo are 10x more attractive than the real-life slobz they are depicting]

I've fantasized about having heard some peepz enjoy doing the nasty sausage shuffle in pubic (spelling mistake, but it stayz) placez and that the risk of getting caught is a turn-on or some crap like dat, but isn't this a little exxxtreme?!

While I find cold, dirrty metal [feat. movable partz] to be as comforz as the nexxxt person [aka not comforz @ all], I fail to see the allure of getting all makeyoutey and infiltrating your secret zonez in a public subway turnstile at the end of the workday.

What was even more innnnneresting than the fact that deez two lovebirdz [read as: horndogz] felt the urge to go baby-making in such an odd location, was that no one else in line said a word to them or told them to cut it da shit out or to get a hotel room or whatever. And I was most definitely not going to be the one to demand them to move (though I did worry about all the sexxxy diseases they were getting from slathering all over the poor unsuspecting turnstile)!

Have you folkz ever engaged in intimate naughtiness in outta-da-ordinary locationz? Ever discover a couple in the process of "bread-baking" in something other than a bed?! Share your JuIcIeSt sToRieZ!!!


anne marie in philly said...

jeebus crisp...NOW I have heard everything! WTF????? was there an open guitar case or some other container nearby for cash donations? da noive of some people! but, if it's going to happen, it's going to happen in either NYC or LA!

Tam said...

Umm. Wow. Really? I think I might have said something, or started snapping pictures, one of the two.

I've never been caught in public, nor really seen anyone doing the deed in the open air. There was that time in high school when I was spending the weekend at my friend's apartment. We were having a party (as per usual - why have your own apartment in high school if you don't party every weekend?) and I didn't feel great (probably a bit too much of that partying thing) so I went to bed in her roommates bed - they shared a bedroom (who was away for the weekend). My friend and her boyfriend came in later and well, they thought I was asleep and by the time it got going it was too late to sit up and go "hey, how's life?" so I just pretended to sleep. I never did say anything despite the fact he was begging for a bj. Ahem.

Jere Keys said...

There are plenty of places I would have public sex, but the New York Subway is not one of them. There's "Christina Aguilera Dirrty," and then there's "touched by a thousand hands, peed on by rats, walked on by cockroaches, cleaned once a month by hose dirty." Yuck.

Mel said...

A couple of times in a parked car at night and occasionally out in the woods are about as "in public" as I've ever gotten or am likely ever to get.

One time I was visiting my aunt's and had to let my dogs out in the middle of the night. Walked into the front room and my cousin was doing a bit of bump & grind with his girlfriend on the sofa. I walked right past and never mentioned it.

Michelle M. said...

Ewwww. Gross. You poor thing.

No juicy stories here (of seeing other couples, that is). Maybe I don't get out enough.

Delisa said...

Um, vom! Now I'm going to be extra skeeved out the next time I go through a turnstyle.

As for me, I've never done such a thing but I have stumbled upon a couple in Central Park way too into their make out session and my roommate went to 2nd base while she thought I was asleep sophomore year! People are so rude sometimes!

Anonymous said...

Only in New York!! I honestly don't know how I would have reacted had I stumbled upon those 2lovebirds!
How getting it on in such a public location can turn you on is beyond my understanding.
Too much!

Love, mom

john said...

I haven't seen anyone going at it in public and am glad that I haven't.

I've also never been caught in public.

tornwordo said...

Wow, grody. The closest I can get to that is two junkies shooting up on my porch and the time I caught a guy taking a dump on my driveway. I told him he couldn't do that there, but since he was in mid movement, he finished up and trotted off. It was the log, dude.

Tam said...

Holy hell Tornwordo, what kind of neighborhood do you live in?

Polt said...

Well since I'm mentioned in the post, I feel the need to comment. :)

If they weren't attractive (which you indicate they're not), I would've had the same reaction as you. If the guy was smokin' though, well, I mighta watched. And sold tickets and popcorn.

My first thought as I read this was: were the naked? Or were thier clothes just off enough to allow....the dirty deed?

And me, I got a bj on the top floor of a parking garage with taller apartment buildings surrounding us. Granted, it was night time, but the garage was lit, and we weren't hiding in shadows.


adam said...

EWW!!! You should pack extra Purell and Lysol wipes!! Maybe consider moving into a bubble (with/like Jake Gyllenhaal)

that's J-O-S-H said...

Anne Marie: If there was cash floating about somewhere, you best believe I would snatch that shit up [feat. three pairs of rubber glovez on mah mittz]!

Tam: Peepz know better than to make sexxxy time in a room while they think I am asleep. I will for serial record that shit and blast it all ova Xtube for revenue!

Jere: Right? I am trying to figure out a way I can move mah azz through the turnstile wiffout actually having to touch that fuckery.

Mel: I would have walked in, chomped on some popped corn and enjoyed the mothereffing show! Then boo and throw condamnz @ them.

Michelle: No...maybe you're just sane and not dizzzzgusting and prefer to not contract a "turnstile sex rash" all over you bod.

Delisa: Sophomore year was ALSO the year that I constantly had to endure mah roommate + his assorted lovaz' heavy petting moans while I was in the TOP BUNK ABOVE THEM. Ugh. SICK.

Mom: I'm really glad our son-parent relationship is strong and comfortable enough that I can write about this topic and you can leave that kind of response wiffout either of us batting an awkward eye.

John: There's always a first time for everything!

Tornwordo: OMIGOBZ! Hard drugz for def def defferz rank HIGHER than public sexxxy magic on my scale of terrible awful tingz that should be banned from the world!

Poltz: They were clothed, except partz that were exxxposed. ::VOM CITY::

Adam: If only Jack Gyllenschmaltz was the one straddling the turnstile...if only...

Tam said...

Didn't you just tweet that you MISS your sophmore year? Is that despite the moans from below?

I hope I see something equally shocking in SF next week so I can blog about it, although in SF it may only be shocking to me. Sigh. Or I can make a few bucks selling popcorn a la Polt's idea.

Chris D. said...

A few friends had sex around me during our college years. One new-years eve my best friend (who I was totally in love with) was hooking up with his girlfriend, they fell out of the couch, and nearly rolled over me. I was so jealous of his girlfriend. I just wanted to sink through the floor and disappear. :(

I have been intimate with a guy (same guy as above ;) , years later) in a tent on a camping trip. I heard people outside, I was very worried about getting "caught" with a guy. I was homophobic. That is about as public as I have been.

That same guy also hooked up with me in his family's living room. It was at night, but there was always the risk a family member could walk in. We were both homophobic, so in hindsight it was a huge risk. However, I think I liked that I had achieved a kind of parity with his past girlfriends.

In general think sex in public places is gross. It isn't my thing.

PS: I find it amusing that a guy who unabashedly uses the word, "placez", feels the need to call out a spelling error. ;)

hoteltuesday said...

One time I was getting it on in a classroom at school, and my math teacher got real mad cause no one was paying attention to her boring lesson about triangles or whatever! I love being the center of attention!

Ryan said...

That would explain why you don't know the area of a circle.

Naughty said...


Words almost fail me, but not quite. Now when I look back on my NYC idyll, I will forever wonder how much sperm latched onto my hands as I rolled through the turnstiles.

Whoa. And oh yeah, GAG. WRETCH. VOMIT. FURBALL. Spooge is **not** a public-friendly bodily fluid. Not like spilling a few tears and having them splash on the platform as you hear a particularly moving example of subway musician virtuosity. Not. the. same. at. all. I am so sorry you had to endure this . . . spectacle of human exhibitionism.

Naughty once, a very long time ago and in a bit of drunken euphoria, took her summer fling out on the 9th hole of the golf course during a thunder storm. Very different as it was A) night B) all the normal people were inside C) makes for one of Naughty's better college memories.

God. I'm STILL trying to figure out how 2 people got themselves log-jammed (literally and figuratively) into a damn turnstile. It would be like the 8th wonder of the world if it weren't so gross.