Sunday, October 10, 2010

It growz like fancy flowerz.

Yesterday I got in my car to go drive for an hour just talkin' to the rain to el supermercado. I like to walk around the aisles pretending to buy shiz and imagining how delicioso everything would taste if I had the moolah to afford it! After I spent 20 minutes staring @ an assortment of produce and packaged goodz, I went to leave the store. As I was passing the register area, this one check-out cholita squinted her ojoz inquisitvely @ me, like my face was one of those effing MaGiC EyE posterz that never work.

And when I got to my car and looked in the rearview mirror, I realized why she was glaring @ my puss so intently:


When I was younger and went through puberty (uggg...), I changed in many ways. But one thing that never kicked in was the sprouting of facial fuzz. I longed for it soooo...I wanted to grow a gorg beard/mustache/goatee/sideburn/taint-tickler and be all handsome and debonair and crap like that.

I went through most of college with nary a follicle adorning my baby-faced mug. Even after I graduated, rando peepz would still inquire about what I was looking to do after high school. GRRRR!

But within the past year & a half, I must have somehow gotten a second shot of testosterone injected into my body, cuz no longer can I go a week wiffout doing the shaving shuffle all over my face (I blame Nueva York). And I've grown to despise it!

Shaving a) hurts [feat. blood specklez]; b) takes too long [aka 1o minz max]; c) makez me look like an infant; & d) dirtiez up the bathroom sink & clogz da drain. But I haven't yet found a look that really fitz me, so...I am imploring you bloggy angel readerz of mine to provide me some guidance. I've created a few hi-tech composite fotografias of some of the most well-known celebrity facial hair stylingz around...

The "Joaquin Phoenix"
The "Because You're Mine, I Won't Shave One Time"

The "Brad Pitt"
The "Curious Case of Billy Goat Clusterfuck"

The "Johnny Depp"
The "Oscar Nomination Axxxtion Hero Fiesta [feat. beadz]"

The "Luigi"
The "Subtle Twinkle-Toes Underdog 1-UP Special"

The "John Waters"
The "I'm Creepy As All Get-Out, So Why Does Josh Find Me Irresistable?!"

The "ZZ Top"
The "Old Rawk Star Wiff Sumfing Rotting In My Beard"

The "Tom Cruise/John Travolta"
The "What Kind of Fuckery Is Dis?!"




Tam said...

Can men use Nair on their face? It supposedly lasts longer than shaving. Are you up for facial waxing? Ouch.

I'm not a fan of facial hair, but stay away from the billy goat gruff look and the ZZ Top tragedy.

madtexter (corey james) said...

Ha! This is great! I've never been a fan o' the facial hair, except some guys really can pull it off. It's all about facial structure...and you've got it!

The John Waters reference was funny. A split second before I read the comment underneath the picture, I instantly thought of John Waters. I don't think ANYONE has a 'stache' like his. (It's a little creepy)

tornwordo said...

LOL I'm only just now being taken seriously. All my life it's been "what are you going to do after school" and "can I see your ID?" It really is a curse. Perhaps this spate of hirsutedom will usher in a new era for you. Shaving sucks though you're right.

john said...

I'm not a fan of facial hair. It suits some people, but overall, I don't really like it. I had a beard for a little, but I can't grow a mustache to save my life. I like having a baby face and still only shave every other day, which is good because shaving sucks.

adam said...

I gotta suggest picking up a beard trimmer for like $10-$20 at some fancy shop (like walmart) and just trimming down to a short scruff every once and a while. That's what I do ... it's lazy and doesn't look awful.

Tam >> Nair + Face = No!

Ryan said...

I was confused by the last picture until I read the caption. Then, I laughed.

My razor died last weekend, which made me sad, but I guess eight and a half years is about as much as one can expect. My new razor makes shaving less odious, but I still would prefer not to have to do it.

Mel said...

Every other day is pretty much all I have to do, thank Dog. Left to my own devices, I'll go even longer, except it eventually starts to itch.

Oh, you wanted an opinion about your facial hair? Get it lasered off. Someday when I can afford it, that's what I want to do.

john said...

Mel: When it starts to get itchy take a pair of clippers to it. They cut the hair less sharply, which makes the hair less itchy.

David said...

Use Rogaine on your face so your beard will grow in nice and full.

anne marie in philly said...

I LIKE the first pix; you look all movie star-ish with the face fuzz and the large sunglasses.

taint-tickler (heh heh heh)!

and yes, you ARE handsome!

Naughty said...


The other day, DH emerged from DH & Naughty's bathroom with . . . no facial hair. It was incredibly traumatic. He misunderstood my "it's like sandpaper" complaint to mean I wanted it gone. Oh MAIS NON! I was just none-too-patiently waiting through the just trimmed phase for the it's perfect and soft phase. I'm one of those women who thinks bald with a tightly trimmed beard and mustache is hot.

Go for the Brad Pitt. I think all you have to do is neaten and shorten a little bit, and you'll have the perfect van Dyke. It's a good look for you.

Chris D. said...

I am jealous of your dark facial hair. I started growing facial hair in high school. My facial hair tends to be light brown and blond. I thought it would get darker as I got older. It isn't going to get any darker.

I usually like the stubble look on guys. I sometimes sport stubble, but tend to keep my beard just a little longer than that, because it means I can trim it less often. I second Adam's beard trimmer recommendation. It is all I used these days. The key to good facial hair is keeping it trimmed.

I think you look good with a goatee.

Michelle M. said...

What - no Amish beard?

Anyway - you are rockin' all of the looks.

Anonymous said...


I do like your first pic, with your real facial hair. I like the 5 o'clock shadow on a guy though. Some men can pull it off, some can't.

As for people constantly thinking you're younger than you are. Get used to it, it runs in the family dear boy!


hoteltuesday said...

While I think most guyz look better with facial hair, you actually look g00d without it.