Saturday, October 30, 2010

My Musical ABCs! - J

I am so sad! WEEPY FACE CRY POUT! Mah last Musical ABCs garnered only 10 commentz! Are y'all get mad bored?!!? Don't let this ship go down JUST yet! We're not even halfway through the alphabetz yet! Let's shake off the last installments jeering results and jet forward with our juiciest and jazztastic favo songz that begin wiff da letter J! Now even though Mr. J stood for "Jumbled Junk," I'm sure all of your musical choices are anything but garbage-like! Share wiff me!

"Jesus Christ" by Brand New

"My bright is too slight to hold back all my dark."

Funny how last week's Musical ABC was probably the jolliest & most sunshiniest track to probz make my alphabetalist, and this week's entry is most definitely the most depresso espresso of the bunch. "Jesus Christ" by Brand New is one of mah top 3 favorite songs of all time ever (along with my B & soon-to-be-revealed M selections)!

I knew all about Brand New after downloading their first two album via mah college's beautiful peer-2-peer file-sharing network, and while I enjoyed their spunky and oft pensive scream jamz, there were soooo many different artistz I was listening to heavily @ the time, that they always ended up playing 2nd banana to other peepz.

However, that all changed when I got their 3rd disco compacto, The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me. It took mah ass by surprise! No longer just whining and lamenting over st00pid grrrlz that wouldn't get all sexxxytime with them, the material on this album was darker [read as: better], scarier [read as: better] and way more atmospherically jarring [read as: better] than their previous outingz.

And by far the best track on the album is the lyrical masterpiece, "Jesus Christ." It's all about questioning your life's game and reflecting on the validity and value of your spiritual & emotional beliefs. It's kind of like R.E.M.'s "Losing My Religion" only NOT old and much, much sadder [read as: you catch a trend here??]. The werdingz are poetically astonishing and the guitar in the beginning is what I want to play on repeat @ my funeral drunken stripper Jell-O shot party death memorial service.

I suggest listening to it on repeat if you A) Have good taste in music; B) Regularly engage in modern day religious banteringz; or C) Like to have weekly 60-minute cry sessions by yourself & need a soundtrack fitting to the feng shui of your sobfest (ala me).


"Jóga" by Björk
"Jane Says" by Jane's Addiction
"Jamais Vu" by Dredg
"Jingle Bell Rock" by Cady Heron, Regina George, Gretchen Wieners & Karen Smith

Thursday, October 28, 2010

What kind of fuckery are you?!

Oooooh mah goooooobnezz! We're only a pocketful of dayz away from Helloweeeeen! Are all of y'all shakin' in your bootiez?! SppoooOoOOoOOOOOoky!

Now, as well all know, I don't gotz televisor en mi casa, and during the week when I stay @ Duhvid's, I for usualz don't get around to watching more than total prox 5 hourz of TV a week. And while I for serialz don't really miss rotting my brainz for hourz on end, I am sure that if I did have cable, I'd totez be watching all those marathon seasonal countdownz of the ScArIeSt MoViEz Of aLL TiMe, that every entertainment channel would be airing on repeat.

But since I ain't gon be watching any of that telly, I thought I'd have MY OWN effing list in preparation of the upcoming holiday. So here are some of mah FAVORITE MONSTERZ OF ALL TIME!

Deez herre babiez will tear your shiz UP [read as: eat your ass whole]. Anyone that ever watched the USA Network in the '90s is no stranger to these creaturez, cuz that station played the movie Tremors like clockwork on the weekend.

If you haven't seen it (you poor, deprived child), lemme explain. Basically Kevin Bacon and some other people who don't really matter live in a desert town that gets attacked by a bunch of overgrown cannibal wormz that chase their nalgaz around for an hour & a half. There...ENTIRE PLOT in one sentence.

These living breathing carnivorous vacuums are not to be effed wiff...they can gobble up AZN shop ownerz faster than I can gobble up (and immediately vom) a bowl of Caramel Cremes!

Cloverfield Monsta

For serial, one of mah favorite thingz of ALL TIME. The monsta from Cloverfield kickz the major azz of Godzilla, King Kong, Snorlax and any other gargantuan creaturez set on terrorizing large populationz of people!

Every time I am strutting myself through Manhattan, I constantly look over the skyline, half expecting hoping to see a Cloverfield monsta come dancing in my direction. CUTE!

And the scariest thing about this plus-size beauty?! He doesn't give a h00t about patriotism! HELL NO HE DIDN'T... yes he did just decapitate the Statue of Liberty and wasn't even like "Oh...whoops," afterwards. He just smashed that shit and then went on to smash MORE shit [aka buildingz, monumentz, people, dreamz]. LOVEZ IT.


Yeah. So...yeah. You probably gave your computer screen the same confused look that the little princess gave in the photo above. I mean, sure, Turklez might not be "scary," but he sure is weirder and more uncomferz looking than a regular turkey!

But hey, that didn't stop the d00dz from MGMT from featuring his collapsing cuerpo in their video de musica, "Congratulations"! I finished that vid feeling so depressed with myself, that I watched it 5 more times on repeat (I like being pensive & sad!).

Though the guyz from MGMT are milez more charitable than my ass is. I wouldn't dare touch his decomposing saggy flesh pieces. Not without at least 3 layered pairs of heavy-duty rubber glovez, at least. Hellz, I don't wanna get any of the salmonella that Turklez is peddling. I get enough of that during Tanxgiverz!

Charlize Theron

You must be tinking to yourself, " IDIOT. Charlize Theron is a gorg, talented thespian who is the antithesis of a monsta," but since she did play a MONSTER in the movie Monster, I am still gon include her! "But Jooooosh! That was just the NAME of the movie...she actually played a serial killer!" to which I say, CHUT UT, dis herre is my blog and I run deez rules! Now stop your damn hop-scotching & getthehellouttamahyard!

Phew...where were we? OH YEAH. Charlize Theron playz that scary ass woman Aileen Wuomos who was a hitchiking hooker that killed d00dz and stole their cash while making out wiff Christina Ricci or some shit.

She won the Oscar for her performance (WELL DESERVED) and I think her make-up artist magician should have also snagged a statuette, cuz grrrlfriend is fug in this pelicula. AaAaAhhh...the horror of split-endz!


As I'm sure you all know...I am a (not-so-)closeted video game n3rd parade. Especially when I was still in school, I would hurry to get all mah st00pid homewerx done, just so I could spend hours days in front of the TV shooting crap & fighting crap & racing crap & RPGing crap & discovering crap out in my precious video gamez!

And one of mah favorite franchisez was Resident Evil (durhz...I was a teen boy wiff a serious streak of gothic morbidity)! They were challenging but I managed to beat a handful of them. However, Resident Evil 3: Nemesis was a hurdle I was never able to jump. A mountain I could never climb. A heart that I could never tame.

And it was mainly because of the god awful controlz! the stud above. The Nemesis was the main villian of the game and from the get-go, would randomly pop up at odd moments and chase your ill-equipped ass around for what felt like hours, until he eventually put your outta ur misery and ended you via a collection of horrible (albeit entertaining) ways.

Mi hermana Melody & tired for weeks to beat this mess of a game, until we ultimately gave up and huddled together in fearful failure and cried ourselves into a coma. Thanks Nemesis!


I think I've already wasted your time blathering shared wiff you my childhood OBSESSION with this hot chica above, but aw hell...she deserves anotha round of luving! (ew.) Oblina was 1/3 of every child's favo scaresome trio on Nickelodeon's Aaahh!!! Real Monsters.

Wiff her bigazz lips, candy cane bod and buggy eyez, Oblina was for def def defferz the sexxxiest monster that ever attended the monster academy of mah heart! And not only is she bootiful [read as: WTF are you?!], she's also 10x smarter than all the other artards that went to school with her.

She had dis trick where she'd visit peepz while they slept and massage their brainz through their earholez wiff her finger. Then they'd have nightmares and piss their sheets. WHO DOES THAT?! Oblina, that's who. Respect.


What about you cholitoz y mamacitaz?! Which monstaz fill your skullz wiff fear and haunt every step you make?! Let's dizzzzzcuss! (Oh, and vampirez, ghosts, zombiez + witches are NOT monsters; they are vampirez, ghosts, zombiez + witches.)

Sunday, October 24, 2010

My Monday Muse

[Okay, so it's the last Monday of the month, which as you all know meanz that it's time to vote for the Monday Muse of October. Blah blah...scroll to the bottom and pick your favorite!

In other newz, dis week's muse is going to be the last new Monday Muse of the year. (Wait...calm your shit down...don't fret and get those dirrty-azz panties out of a knot!) That's cuz it's time to start voting for the Monday Muse of 2010!!!!! Who will follow in the footsteps of last year's glorious throne-holder, Steven the Beautiful?! Check back nexxxt week to start the first round o' voting!]

Nachos, the Cross Eyed Cat

I've never had to go to court. Never for jury duty (fingaz crossed!) and never for any condemnable axxxtionz of my own. There was that car accident that I got unfairly blamed for and I pondered over fighting the ticket, but once I started getting all those propositioning legal aid pamphlets in the mail, I retracted such consideration and just paid the fine off. Fuck dat shiz...

However, if I had dis week's Monday Muse as mah attorney, you know I wouldn't be scared out effing freckle about losing mah case! Just watch:

So what did we learn today about the judicial system of deez Estados Unidos?! We learned that getting in trouble is a major bummer and to avoid anyone cramping your style or laming up your life, you best down a pizza, put on some cool CDz and high-five a guitar legend [feat. shrevident sound effects] before detaching your fucking head and DANCING!

They may seem like stone-cold douchenozzlez [not including the goddess Judge Judy], but judgez really do have quite an appreciate for sexxxual pole-dancing. So if you ever find yourself in a legal jam, just slather up the nearest metal rod wiff some bedazzled Vaseline and run your shiz up and down that thing until they release you of all chargez.

And if all else fails, you can always just bend over and use your tittayz like a broom. Actually, I think you should do that right from the get-go, cuz this place is a DISASTER and I do have some peepz come ova for a birthday pizza party...don't worry, Jeebuz approvez.


Who is your Monday Muse of October 2010?!

The Dirrty Little Mermaid?
Dusty Gozongaz?
The "Y U No" Guy?
or this week's Nachos the Cross Eyed Cat!?

Friday, October 22, 2010

They call it "Turn-Styling"...

So sorry I've been slacktastic recently. But since my last Musical ABCs entry produced ABYSMAL resultz, I've fallen into a deep dark bloggy depression tunnel that has been nearly impossible to scratch and claw my way out of But since my work was crazzzy mania da past few days, and what wiff all that music festival bizznezz taking place in NYC all week, I've had barely any time to even do the most essential tingz like bathe, sleep and watch Adult Swim!

But I come to you now, folkz...looking for solace and therapeutic understanding...for I have witnessed an act so disturbing, that not even Polt will be able to joke at the expense of my tarnished virgin ojoz!

While leaving work on Tuesday, I headed down to the usual subway station by my office building and walked to the usual platform to get on the usual train that I take to David's usual apartment. But sumfing was unusual that day.

A crowd of grumblin' New Yorkerz were "ha-rumphing" about in front of the two Metrocard turnstilez and slowly pushing their way through just one of dem. Being the impatient and easily annoyed prick eager and inquisitive young whippersnappa I am, I moved through the messy crowd of peepz to see why the second swipe-entrance wasn't being utilized. And I came face to face wiff dis:

[Artist's note: whorez in above photo are 10x more attractive than the real-life slobz they are depicting]

I've fantasized about having heard some peepz enjoy doing the nasty sausage shuffle in pubic (spelling mistake, but it stayz) placez and that the risk of getting caught is a turn-on or some crap like dat, but isn't this a little exxxtreme?!

While I find cold, dirrty metal [feat. movable partz] to be as comforz as the nexxxt person [aka not comforz @ all], I fail to see the allure of getting all makeyoutey and infiltrating your secret zonez in a public subway turnstile at the end of the workday.

What was even more innnnneresting than the fact that deez two lovebirdz [read as: horndogz] felt the urge to go baby-making in such an odd location, was that no one else in line said a word to them or told them to cut it da shit out or to get a hotel room or whatever. And I was most definitely not going to be the one to demand them to move (though I did worry about all the sexxxy diseases they were getting from slathering all over the poor unsuspecting turnstile)!

Have you folkz ever engaged in intimate naughtiness in outta-da-ordinary locationz? Ever discover a couple in the process of "bread-baking" in something other than a bed?! Share your JuIcIeSt sToRieZ!!!

Monday, October 18, 2010

My Monday Muse

The "Y U No" Guy

Holy effing I betraying mah bloggy rootz?! Not only have I cut back my posting regime to three timez a week (maybe if I got more sluttin' commentz, I'd feel more compelled ::winky face smiiiiile::), but I'm now pimping out an offspring of Tumblr as a Monday Muse?!

Where is mah devout allegiance to the vehicle that opened me up to my millionz of fanz (I think there might be ten of you out there)?! Did I exchange a walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage my bloggy d00tiez for the fast-paced, rapid-growing glitz and/or glamour of da Tumblr?!

Da answer is: FUCK NO. Between Twitterz and FacingBookz and dis herrre blogaroni, I don't think I would ever get anything else accomplished if I also had a Tumblr (though I have aggressively flirted wiff the idea). But just cuz it's not really for me, doesn't mean that I don't constantly check other peep's pagez! And tanx to my bestest amigo, Enrico, I came across dis week's Monday Muse! It's the virtual psychologist we all need...telling us what we're all secretly thinking and letting us vent our darkest problemaz!

Click HERE for the "Y U No" Guy's abode, or scroll down for some of mah personal favoritez!

Soooooo true! If someone doesn't answer the phone, I keep on a-ringin' until they do!

Serial...if you try and bolt in front of mah car you better have a pair of dem Icarus shoez laced onto your hooves, cuz I'm gunning for your shit.

The only thing worse than the eternity it feels like it takes to brush one's chopz is that you have to spend money to buy a tube o' toothpaste once every two monthz and an effing brush every three!

Been there. And who of us hasn't??

Um...duh...cuz they can't be tamed.


So which were your favorite "Y U No" Guy gemz of informacion?! HURRY UP & BE ENLIGHTENED!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

My Musical ABCs!...I

I know...Ms. I is a haaaaaawd letter. There are prox a bajillion songz that begin wiff the word "I." Myself, I have 168 songz that begin with just a lonely "I"! And that's not including every "In," "If," "It" and all the other werdz that begin wiff da vowel! Incredibly indecisive, it can be impossible to intelligently include only a handful of songz that begin wiff dis letter that are better than da rest. But think, think, THINK and decide which tunez are inches higher above the otherz!

"If You Wanna...I Might" by Hellogoodbye

"Sometimes I wish I could be the one fish that you'd choose out of all in the sea."

This is probably the most upbeat and fun song that will make my ABC list. Hellogoodbye are one of those silly, loud, sodapoppy goofball bandz that make music that soundz the way Sour Patch Kids taste. I played the fartz outta their records when I was in college and "If You Wanna...I Might" was totez mah most played jam of theirs!

I made it a point to take advantage of the jogging track that mi universidad had on its campus, and I'd try and go running three-four timez a week. And dis herre jam was for usualz the first tune I'd start blaring to get my azz in gear. The beat is addictive and is purrrrrfecto for the stride in which I gallop! ::trot, trot, trot::

Hellogoodbye came to my college during my sophomore year, but sadly they didn't bust this sugary sweet confectionary pop masterpiece out. But it's aight, cuz the lead singer has got it like dat is a cute n3rd parade and his band puts out musica that violently thrusts mis nalgaz into a happy dancy frame of mind whenever I am feeling especially mopetastic.

"It's For the Best" by Straylight Run
"IRO-Bot" by Coheed & Cambria
"I Loved the Way She Said 'L.A.'" by Spitalfield
"I Do (Wanna Get Close To You)" by 3LW feat. P. Diddy & Loon

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The dog days are...JUST STARTING!

I've never been a huge dog fan. Not only am I mildly immensley frightened of getting mauled to death by a pitbull/great dane/Cujo, but I'm also opposed to caninez largely cuz most dawg-enthusiasts I know make it a point to venemously spatter non-stop about their hatred for my favorite animal, CATS. Then I spew my dizzgust towards dogs which irritates them in return and then they do it again to me and it turnz into a vicious sick cycle carousel.

But today, ladiez & choloz, I break the cycle! For I have finally found a dog that I can call mah own [aka visit occasionally]. Mah dearest friendz Mariel & Jamie invited me over last week to watch Teen Mom & Glee while partaking in some culinary delacies ala their kitchen.

And while we had a great time together [not feat. the trite, bullshittingly awful episode of Glee], the real highlight of mah visit was finally meeting M & J's adorably pristine pupparoni, Penelope!!!

She's a dachshund (which is my favorite kind of dog!!!!!), and is so sweet and peppy and heart-meltingly precious that I am making the official statement that I no longer hate doggiez! YAY!

To celebrate this breakthrough in my life, here is a video of Penelope being awesome. WARNING: Your eyes might turn to gold...that's how rich her existence will make you feel!

Monday, October 11, 2010

My Monday Muse

Dusty Gozongaz

Remember the first love of your life? The first person you laid eyez on and had your dumb heart skip a thousand beatz for? The first person who had you at their beck and/or call? Their desires and cravingz were yours to fulfill...they were the center of your world and you were wrapped around their little pinkie finga...

I don't. But for those of us out there that haven't spent an entire weekend listening to La Roux's "Bulletproof" on repeat in a delusional attempt to self-affirm your personal strength (it didn't work...I'm still a wimpy baby), I'm sure you can relate to the feeling of being completely blinded by your love sickness. But even though I'm a cold-hearted icicle prince, when I first caught a gander at dis week's Monday Muse, I must admit that my frozen heart did start to thaw an eensy weensy bit.

Be careful...Dusty Gozongaz should not be taken lightly. Sure, she may seem like the ideal lady what wiff her beauty, grace, style & intelligence breastz, but she isn't actually into you! Heartbreak City, I know...I think she was what Nelly Fartretardo was singing about in dat "Maneater" song.

The main reason I stay away from elegant establishmentz like The Wild, Wild Chest, Crotch Town, Nipple Hut & FunBag Junction is becuz I know the second I see a gorg specimen of the female gender basting her loinz all ova some dirty-ass stage, I will fall in lurrrve, jump the gay fence and empty mah back account into whore pantiez.

Women are a dangerous flock of beingz...they'll take everyting you have and as soon as you're broke as a joke, they'll up & run away and leave you wiff nuffin' but broken dreamz and a baseball bat in your undarooz. Or they'll leap out the window and dance for aliens that are inexplicably shaped like wrenches.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

It growz like fancy flowerz.

Yesterday I got in my car to go drive for an hour just talkin' to the rain to el supermercado. I like to walk around the aisles pretending to buy shiz and imagining how delicioso everything would taste if I had the moolah to afford it! After I spent 20 minutes staring @ an assortment of produce and packaged goodz, I went to leave the store. As I was passing the register area, this one check-out cholita squinted her ojoz inquisitvely @ me, like my face was one of those effing MaGiC EyE posterz that never work.

And when I got to my car and looked in the rearview mirror, I realized why she was glaring @ my puss so intently:


When I was younger and went through puberty (uggg...), I changed in many ways. But one thing that never kicked in was the sprouting of facial fuzz. I longed for it soooo...I wanted to grow a gorg beard/mustache/goatee/sideburn/taint-tickler and be all handsome and debonair and crap like that.

I went through most of college with nary a follicle adorning my baby-faced mug. Even after I graduated, rando peepz would still inquire about what I was looking to do after high school. GRRRR!

But within the past year & a half, I must have somehow gotten a second shot of testosterone injected into my body, cuz no longer can I go a week wiffout doing the shaving shuffle all over my face (I blame Nueva York). And I've grown to despise it!

Shaving a) hurts [feat. blood specklez]; b) takes too long [aka 1o minz max]; c) makez me look like an infant; & d) dirtiez up the bathroom sink & clogz da drain. But I haven't yet found a look that really fitz me, so...I am imploring you bloggy angel readerz of mine to provide me some guidance. I've created a few hi-tech composite fotografias of some of the most well-known celebrity facial hair stylingz around...

The "Joaquin Phoenix"
The "Because You're Mine, I Won't Shave One Time"

The "Brad Pitt"
The "Curious Case of Billy Goat Clusterfuck"

The "Johnny Depp"
The "Oscar Nomination Axxxtion Hero Fiesta [feat. beadz]"

The "Luigi"
The "Subtle Twinkle-Toes Underdog 1-UP Special"

The "John Waters"
The "I'm Creepy As All Get-Out, So Why Does Josh Find Me Irresistable?!"

The "ZZ Top"
The "Old Rawk Star Wiff Sumfing Rotting In My Beard"

The "Tom Cruise/John Travolta"
The "What Kind of Fuckery Is Dis?!"



Friday, October 8, 2010

We're covered in lies and that's okay.

I forget how old I am sometimez. I'm used to everyting being so immediate in mah life...all of my adventures and interestz are supposed to be recent knowledge. But as I pass the 24 and a half yearz mark en mi vida, I'm beginning to realize that there are more and more things from my past that folkz just a few años younger than me have no recollection of.

Por ejemplo: At the restaurant last year I was talking about R&B/Hip-Hop sensation TLC (RIP Left Eye!), and a co-worker who was five yearz mah junior, was all lyke "WTF is TLC?! Da Learning Channel?!" Then I punched her in the teefz [read as: sang "No Scrubs" repeatedly for 45 minutez].

I went home that day utterly perplexxxed @ dis chica's ignorance, until I realized that it wasn't she who was miseducated. It was I who was getting old as fuck! Then I started looking through all mah albumz and came across a collection of bandz from the '90s/'00s that were **superstarz** back in mah youth, but have since fallen into obscurity. My heart goez out to Third Eye Blind, Counting Crows, Everclear, Collective Soul & many otherz who hit it big for a few yearz only to fall into the shitter later. I then came across one of my most played CDs from yesteryear...Vertical Horizon's Everything You Want!

They had a trio of hitz that will forever be burned into my memory. They were tap-dancin' all ova the Billboard charts and their hugest hit "Everything You Want" actually peaked @ #1 in 2000 (holy nutz, that's a DECADE ago)! But after this success, all their subesquent albumz sank like the Titanic and they disappeared faster than audience memberz during a screening on I Know Who Killed Me.

So to honor Vertical Horizon and all the other hasbeen bands that I still get all nostalgic and weeptastic over, I thought I'd risk mah life wiff another negligent round of car karaoke. ENJOY!

"You're a God"

"Everything You Want"

Monday, October 4, 2010

My Monday Muse

The Dirrty Little Mermaid

Sex is cool. I mean, I like doing it and orgasmz are pretty sweet, but most of the time I feel out of synch with 99% of the male population cuz in all honesty, getting azz is not the end-all-be-all of mah vida.

However, I say dis from the perspective of a chico that's already done the mattress tango. I recall being a teenager and tinking of nuffin' but getting mah rox off [ala Ke$ha], so I can totally relate to dis week's Monday Muse:

Awww....remember those confusing teenage añoz when you'd collect rusty old cutlery and hide it under your pillow for those especially frisky nightz? Remember wishing you could spend the day warm wiff a p33n? Remember browsing through your dad's/mom's porno collection and being more than just a little bit confused by all the slimy flesh pretzels you discovered within? Remember pondering over the enticing possibilities that a world of prostitution could offer (or was that just me?!)?

Now think how awful it would have been if all of this wishing/hoping/thinking/praying/planning/dreaming led to nuffin', cuz you were born a fucking mermaid that is all stinky scale mania up in your private business instead of a glittery p33n or glossy vageen! You'd never experience the magic and wonder [read as: crippling rapage of your delicate innocence] of sexual intercourse!

I feel for you, Dirrty Little Mermaid. But just remember, might be butta off staying celibate your whole vida. Cuz if you have sex and some creep'z trouser chowder getz near ya, you will get pregnant AND die.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

My Musical ABCs! - H

Hooray! I hope you're all happily hopping in your computer chairs hoping to have a hum-dinger hi-howdy adventure on mah blog today. If you couldn't tell from my desperate/pitiful attempt to use a bunch of H-words in one sentence, it's time for everyone to share their favo songz that feature the sick-looking Mr. H!

"Hotel Paper" by Michelle Branch

"You turned out to be more than a bargained for."

She was the proverbial key too all of mah lonely/angry/melancholy/infinitely sad high school emotionz. When I first came across Michelle Branch, I felt "Damn...finally someone understandz how mean & twisted boiz are and how love is da center of all misery and pain." Sure, I was just a 16-year-old closet case wiff an affinity for crushing on hot st8 d00dz [note: not actually hot now that I reflect on them] and letting my heart be bruised seven timez a minute by ever little ting that farted mah way.

After I would cry my way through school, I'd gallop home, throw my weepy ass onto my bed and blast M. Branch while scribblin' her werdingz all over my notebookz imagining myself singing one of her numerous hopelessly romantic balladz to all ThE GuyZ wHo DiD mE WrONg In Da pAsT. Then I'd forget to do my homework, fail all my classes and then be depressed about that as well! YAY!

So Michelle Branch was kind of like a third older sister for me. Always there to relay to me her own personal stories of lost innocence, virginal desirez and other girly crap like dat. The day she released her second album, Hotel Paper, mi amiga Laura & I sprinted outta skool when the bell rang and raced on over to Best Buy. We went up to the register wiff 4 copiez of the album - one for each of us and the other two for friends with upcoming birfdayz - and giggled like schizophrenic hyenas when the check-out cholita gave us the stinkeye.

That entire album [sans a really mediocre duet with burnt-voiced Sheryl Crow aka one of mah least favorite singers of all time] is epic to me and the title track is especially poignant. It's all about being on the road and suffering through an endless case of the sadz and lurrrving d00dz that don't lurrve you back. HEARTBREAK = LOVEZ IT.

I went through a phase where i was absolutely convinced that once I turned 18, I was gonna get some song lyrix inked onto my bod. And I had planned to [read as: dreamt about wiff no real intentionz of committing to] get a line from dis herre song permanently jotted onto my wrist: "I lie lonely surrounded by you." But then I came up with a list of 58,923,536 other songs I just had to have tatted on me and since I am not as attractive as Mr. P!nk [aka Carey Hart], I decided to drop the whole idea.

But I haven't dropped Michelle Branch from mah vida altogether! I am anxxxiously awaiting new music from her and very well might shrivel up y die if she doesn't get a new album out SOOOOOOOON! The wee little sad puppy teenager inside me NEEDZ IT!

"Here Is Gone" by Goo Goo Dolls
"Hedgehog's Dilemma" by The Postman Syndrome
"Hangman" by Motion City Soundtrack
"Hit 'Em Up Style (Oops!)" by Blu Cantrell