Sunday, September 12, 2010

Music Video Vault

The Bloodhound Gang - "The Bad Touch"

WHAT'S THE DEAL?: One-hit wonders are seriously the bread to mah pop culture butter ghee. To be able to spout off names like Samantha Mumba, Willa Ford, soulDecision, Lou Bega & Debelah Morgan to the sounds of crickets/disinterested peepz forced into talking to me is frrrealz one of the biggest joyz en mi vida.

This installment of the Music Video Vault highlights one of those bands that hit the musical jackpot and then fell off the face of the Earth. Joining the douchebaggy rankz of Len, Sisqo & The Baha Men, I give you The Bloodhound Gang.

Sure, I could visit Wikipedia and fart out all these facts about the group and their discography, but since my life is sOoOoOoOoOoO effing busy [read as: I'm mad lazzzybonez today], lemme just cut to the chase. Back when MTV's Total Request Live was the single most important asset to every tw33n's life (yes, I am guilty as charged), a video premiered one day that left a funny taste in all of our innocent wittle moufz. It was "The Bad Touch."

The song came from the album Hooray For Boobies which had THIS as an album cover when it should have been THIS instead. The song tasted foul, foreign & frightening just like jizz and all the cool [aka demented] kidz like myself made sure to study it and learn all the lyrix. Sex available in an easy to sing, easy to remember hook shooter with a dose of explicit content and a spoonful of parental disapproval? You gotz ur azzez a hit.

The prococious little ditty captured the heart of America every fat drunk frat guy who would belch out its wordingz as though it was the motherfucking Ten Commandments. After the song's popular weened, the Bloodhound gang released a failed follow-up single that was about a drug-addicted Pac-Man or some shit, and then a disc that became one of the worst reviewed albums of all time albeit having one of the sexxxiest album covers ever printed.

But now let's go back to the sexxxually perverted magic that was "The Bad Touch":

VIDEO SYNOPSIS: A clan of horned-up furriez monkeyz go around terrorizing Paris, France wiff their hot shit dance movez (yeah, I've serial stolen deez stepz for when I go clubbin') and geniuz poetic stylingz: "Please turn me on, I'm Mr. Coffee with an automatic drip," & "I want you smothered, want you covered like my waffle house hash browns," are some modern day Shakespeare shit...don't act like it didn't get your motor running!

Deez d00dz may seem like sexual deviants looking to fluff out the pure beauty of Paris worse than Quagmire humping the Eiffel Tower, but that's not The Bloodhound Gang's intention at all!

Look who they kidnap: some dolled-up sluts, some gays, some fattoz & a midget. Isn't it obvious?! They just wanted to put together a song & dance pop group [see: *NSync for the classifications of boy band hearthrobs].

After they torture all dem peepz in a quite deep and introspective man vs. the wild role reversal (thought-provoking, I know), they set all their asses up and rehearse dance movez that would make Jessica Simpson's eye holes water in envy.

Then the midget dies at the end because he lookz different from everyone else because he tried to disrupt the synchronized danceathon. Pish...he deserved it.


:09 - Why the hell didn't they show my middle school Health class that nature video instead of that dumbo Power Point presentation of STDs?! I might have actually learned sumfing and not slept through the entire semester!

:14 - Weird I find the kicking, goateed monkey cute?!

- Why are dem French bakers so turned on by a boring old croissant? Aren't you the choloz that MAKE the croissants? Are you sick to death of them after decades of churning them out everyday?!

1:14 & 1:28: Lovez that old lady! Too bad she's probably dead by now.

1:36: Annoying gayz!

1:44: YAY! Mr. Mime makez an appearance!

3:25: So much spanking/thrusting...don't act like your juices aren't percolating @ the sight of it.

3:56: I bet you'll think twice about jay-walking nexxxt time!

THE CONCLUSION: The Bloodhound Gang taught me everything I need to know about sexxx [aka force people to do schtuff you want them to do and then kill them]. They also have totally scarred my innocent perception of primatez while additionally freaking out the old ho that's sitting behind me @ the coffee shop who is looking over my shoulder right as we speak...YES YOU, STOP WATCHING ME.

There we go...she's gone. Anywho, I hope you learned a lot about lurrrve and lurrrve-making! Just make sure to wrap dem booster shotz up in saran wrap so no one gets preggerz or STDed!


TheJJMG said...

Even though the guys in that band are abhorrent I always did love that song. It was funny when it first came out.

They are even worse in The Ballad of Chasey Lane. The video is way more offensive. Straight guys. :P

adam said...

I love that entire CD and all things that used to make my parents sigh with disapproval.

Tam said...

I loved that song. They've making a fortune as the Discovery Channel uses it as their unofficial theme song.

That mime looks familiar. I'd swear I saw him in something. Maybe that CSI episode with all the little people.

john said...

I do like this song but Mope was the BEST! I love that song! I laugh my butt off every time I hear it. I think it is the sample of Falco that does it for me.

Laura said...

Justin - "Is that a porn star?"

Ryan said...

How was Justin to recognize without her giant Inauguration bow?

Bloodhound Gang is one of my dirty pleasures.

David said...

The worm eating grossed me out.

Tam said...

Me too David. I actually closed my eyes at that part.

wood dash kits said...

I've seen him in anything. Maybe CSI episode with all the little people.

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