Saturday, September 4, 2010

Don'tcha love the weather by the sea?!

When I was young, I never needed anyone & making love was just for fun mi familia y yo made it a summer tradition of spending a week down @ mah uncle's beach house in Manasquan, NJ so we could have some fun en la sol. We'd go to the beach every day, burn the hell out of our skinz, swim, admire all of the beautiful people who would wear gorgeously flattering bathing suitz [read as: tragic hoz who jimmied themselves into risque suits three sizez too small] and then trek back to the house where we'd spend the evening telling storiez of timez gone by while eating hot dogz & stale potato chipz on the porch.

But obviously the pinnacle of this wittle vacation was always the trip we'd take to the Seaside Heights Boardwalk. The epitome of trashtastico fun, I looked forward to this excursion all year!

But ::sigh:: alas, as time went by and my sisterz & I grew into real people and became inundated with things like work & school, this tradition eventually fizzled into our soda pop memories.

HOWEVZ, mis padres had the brillz idea of setting aside mutually convenient time in August and goin' as a family to the Boardwalk for one day! And last weekend, that is what we did. And wiff mah trusty phone (con camera) in hand, I took a bucket-load of picturaz that I will now bore you all to death with graciously share wiff all of youuuuu! You're so lucky!

We arrived to the boardwalk and as the decor clearly suggestz, were treated like kingz and queenz [aka were heckled @ by the carnival game operatorz].

I went up to this imprisoned bitch & was gonna ask her to tell me how long it would take till I was on the cover of Rolling Stone, but there were cracks in her crystal ball and crane game jewelry on her fingaz, so I began to for serial question her credibility.

My sister Melody's fiance, John, came with us! Here he is murdering the hell outta the world's largest pinball machine!

Families should stick together (or some shit like dat)! Here are my two sisterz & my dad monopolizing the pinball machine room. I too partook in the flipper madness and played every single machine there. Games included one based on The Addam's Family, two based on the meteorological devastation of tornadoes & earthquakes, one on aliens killing the world, one on car racing, one on magicianz & finally some st00pid boring baseball game that I didn't understand.

Here is mi madre playing Guitar Hero. She was rockin' out to some old songz that put me to sleep, so I challenged her to a face-off, forcing her to play Deftones' "Hole In the Earth" [aka a song she has never heard of]. 4 minutez [feat. a year's worth of cussing] later, she scored an 84%. Though she didn't beat my 99%, I was still greatly impressed. Good jerb, Mommy!

A ritualistic rivalry has been blossoming between mi hermana, Cindy, & I over the past few yearz over air hockey. And though, in the past, we've had some neck-n-neck gamez, I for def def defferz whooped her in all three roundz we played against each other. But how can I not win? I pretend that my goal is a CD player and that the puck is a copy of The Black Eyed Peas' latest album The E.N.D., and the LAST THING in the world I'd ever want to happen would be to have those two things meet!

After I pummeled her to defeat @ da air hockey, Cindy resorted to her guiltiest vice, hard drugz, binge drinking, obsessive shopping baby smugglin' fake gambling! However, her earnings weren't nearly as fruitful as those of other casino-goerz...

Deez rando peepz were such expertz [read as: CHEATERZ!!] @ this one coin game that the machine started to non-stop marathon vom ticketz all over the place. An attendant had to come over and fix the damn thing. He then arrested the couple and locked them in a hellish cell under the boardz.

Being awesome @ arcade gamez is EXHAUSTING. So we went and got monster-sized slices o' pizza and a platter of fried Oreos. Mmmm! Yay for having my entire annual caloric intake digested within one seating! I'm not eating for the rest of the year.

While marching along the boardz, I noticed a family of lethally adorable kittenz frolicking out on the beach next to a Seaside Heights lifeboat.

Not to be outdone by ANYONE or ANYTHING, I had my adorable family also pose by the lifeboat. Aren't we cuter than the familia de gatoz?!?!

As it started getting darker, we traversed on over to the pier that had all the ridez. We were gonna go engage in some bumper car mayhem, but there were a thousand little kids (who apparently don't have curfewz) farting about and ruining our fun. So instead we went to a funhouse (sadly, P!nk was nowhere in sight). However, Christina Aguilera & Snoop Dogg were there to welcome us.

Since we expected the bumper cars to not suck ballz, we prematurely bought ride tickets. So we decided that instead of wasting our $$$, we'd take a ride on that godforsaken bullshit Pharaoh swinging ship ride that always makes me feel like I'm about to give birth to my intestines. First mah sisterz went on, and then they convinced John & I to also take a ride. I hated it and it made my stomach sad.


By this time, it had gotten to be pretty darn late, and since I had to wake up @ 7:30 en la maƱana to go to werk, we headed off and got lost for an hour...why the fuck was I the car navigator?! made it back to our residences in record time!

It was a truly marvelous day and made me feel all bloated with nostalgia. Lotz of fun and I hope we go back nexxxt summer!


Mel said...

I love the weather by the sea so much that I live here. Except we don't have boardwalks, just wharfs and piers and lighthouses and stuff. And a beach that's just for locals and their guests, so we can make everyone else jellerz.

Anonymous said...

OMG Josh, this is the absolute best post!!! It made me both laugh and cry. Laugh because of your comments, and cry cause I miss those times so very much when you kids were little-and that day brought it all back.
I can't believe you made me play that song I knew nothing about. You failed to mention that on the song I picked (Sunshine of Your Love by Cream) I scored a 96! And I was soooooo annoyed about all those kids on the bumper cars ruining our fun. Don't people ever send their kids to bed anymore?! 11:00 and little kids are still a ll over the "big peoples" bumper cars driving like maniacs!!
And Josh, the looks on your and John's faces on the "Pharoah" ride were classic!!
We all had the VERY BEST time, and I was happy beyond words.
It also brought back memmories for Dad and I from our youth since we both grew up spending so much time on the Seaside boardwalk (even though we didn't Know Each other back then)
Thank you soooo much for this excellent post, it means more to me than you know, (even though I look ancient and bloated in the photos!) And YES, we are for sure going back next summer. If there's little kids taking over the bumper cars again do you think we can through spit balls at them or something?!

Love you, mom

David said...

Wish I'd been there with you. For realz.

anne marie in philly said...

WHAT a nice family you have!

(waves to mom) "sunshine of your love" kicks ass for a guitar solo!

it seems today's kids have no rules and no manners and are growing up into pampered spoiled little shits...unlike josherz and his sisters!

to the little beach gatos...awwwww!

Tam said...

What a great family you have. You should have gotten some rando tourist to take a pic of all of you together. I HATE that pharaoh ride. Did it once, end of story. Ugh. I'm not big on rides anyway. Bumper cars give me whiplash.

Glad you had a fun family day.

tornwordo said...

What a great idea for you guys. And I would have never left the row of pinball machines. They have become so scarce, pout pout.

And no amount of wheedling will ever get me on a swinging ride again. Seriously, I get nauseous riding the swingset at the park. For realz.

Polt said...

My two favorite things about his whole post?

1)4 minutez [feat. a year's worth of cussing] later

2) makes me feel like I'm about to give birth to my intestines

Dude, soemtimes, you seriously crack me the hell up! :)


adam said...

Your dad has an awesome 'stash.

john said...

Your mom is the BEST! I love that she plays Guitar Hero! And Adam is right, your dad's stache is epic. This is such a fun post, but I suspect that Cindy may have won the game. Oh, and what exactly is a fried oreo?

Michelle M. said...

Sounds like a blast (except for the swinging ride). What a fun family you have!

that's J-O-S-H said...

Mel: Lighthouses & wharfs?! Soundz like sumfing some old guy would paint a picture of. Not enough rude and classless tourists!

Mom: I'm sure it was a blast watching John & I wish for the misery to end while we were on that ride, but if you were sitting on the ride, staring @ John and his pre-barf face, you wouldn't think it was so entertaining! :P

David: No! There's nuffin' kosher! You'd starve to death and we'd have to feed you to the seagullz!

Anne Marie: I have manners?! SWEET!

Tam: Cuz then I'd have to TALK to one of the tourists, and they all looked like trailer trash/wannabe gangstaz/sex offenders/fired Hooters employees who just let themselves goooo. I was a-scurrrred!

Tornwordo: They used to have pinball machinez in every arcade on the boardwalk. Now, it's only in this one room, in this one gaming area that they have them stowed away like some sort of dirrty azz secret! SAD!

Polt: Yeah...yeah. It soundz silly, but rectal-intestinal birfing is one hell of a painful experience. It stings!

Adam: I'll let him know. He says it's 1/2 style and 1/2 laziness in shaving his whole face. Like father, like son!

John: Fryer + Dough + Oreos + Powdered Sugar = A delicious but incredibly dizzygusting delicacy that's be promoting childhood diabetes for the past decade.

Michelle: I wish you were my long-lost aunt or some shit!

hoteltuesday said...

I HATE THE E.N.D.!!! Why are they defying the suggestion given by the title and making a new CD? ANNOYING.

Looks like fun! Let's go!

Anonymous said...

Love it Josh! You know, I really wanted to get enough tickets for the damn tie-dye peace sign coffee mug! Only at Seaside am I willing to put quarter after quarter into winning tiny pieces of paper.

John: Josh did whoop my ass. I will remember...and wait.

Long live the Pharoh!! Never get tired of that ride.


I had a great time

Sexy Trash said...

The Pharoah ship ride is my FAVORITE. I ONLY sit in the last row. It makes my privacies tingle... and I enjoy it.

Melody, Destroyer of Dreams said...

I am really ashamed that my brother and my fiance both fail to understand the true awesomeness of the Pharoah ride. Luckily they have other qualities that I find worthwhile...sigh...jk :D

I had a great time at Seaside!! Yay for spending large amounts of money in order to get tickets to cash in for small prizes!! I have no idea why I find this particular aspect to be so enchanting, but I do!

Tam said...

Isn't cotton candy kosher? He could live on spun sugar and air.

callonmevalerie said...

I actually laughed out loud at the "puck being The E.N.D./goal being a CD player" . . . hahaha! I'm sure tonight was going to be a good good tonight, correct?!