Saturday, August 14, 2010

This is my stop, got to get off.

Being a teenager was Shitsville and anyone that says they went through their adolescence completely unscathed and totally well-adjusted is a lying fool who should be punched repeatedly in the nose with Lindsay Lohan's coke taint. It's a time of suffering and social cruelty and crying oneself to sleep while repeatedly listening to Michelle Branch's "Goodbye To You" cuz some goofball d00d that you're majorly jonsing for has little-to-no idea you even exist naively crushing on guys that turned out to be not that fine after all.


Okay...so yeah, you make friendz and learn a bunch of crap and start to figure out who you are as a person and blah blah...but when it comes down to it, high school is like being dragged to hell in the most NON-GOOD way possible. It sucked so much that I'd really rather have had to go to a Barbara Streisand, Barry Manilow & Black Eyed Peas collabo concert while having Lady GaGogglez' puss tattooed on my forehead and my toes tickled by whatever the fuck this thing is.

I especially remember despising the organized torture that was Physical Education and how awful I constantly felt when I'd a) awkwardly have to change in the locker room; b) get picked last for the dodgeball teams; c) have everyone gang up on my pathetic azz and pummel me to the floor with those goddamn rubber balls that always stung like a bitch; and d) have to relive the torment just a minute later, back in the locker room, when all the guys would then retell the embarrassing beating I endured as though it didn't just happen five minutes prior.


But though it sucked, I still got through it and it wasn't as tumultuous for me as it was for the really smart brainy kids or the desperately unpretty wannabe chicas who were routinely berated for simply existing. And whenever timez got too hard, I'd simply talk to my therapist sit my crotch down on the sofa, turn on the bewb tube and empathize with my favorite cartoon character of all time...

DARIA!


Finally, God decided to stop being a prick and he answered the prayers of me and thousands of other peepz, and finally forced MTV to finally release the complete series of Daria on DVD. To those sad, unfortunate souls who are unaware of Daria's greatness, lemme essssplain.

For basix, Daria is a teenage misfit that is smarter than Einstein, socially artarded and more or less shunned by a terribly unforgiving world of idiots. Da show chronicles her day-to-day life dealing with her dumbo peers, obsessive padres and superficial sista.

Not only was Daria constantly feeling out of place in her surroundings, but she also acted a bitch on everyone around her and introduced me to the beauty of the well-timed sassy comeback, a practice I am still working on perfecting myself.

So while I go burn my high school yearbook and think back on how anti-climatic prom was, go HERE (damn effing disabled embedding code) and partake of Daria's limitless wisdom.

19 comments:

john said...

Loved Daria! I may have to pick this up simply to see them all in order.

High school wasn't terrible for me. Not great, but not horrible. I hated it like everyone else, but I survived. I still laugh at those teachers who said: "This is the greatest time of your life!"

Dave2 said...

The wisdom of Daria is truly the stuff of genius. But watching too many episodes in a row gives me suicidal thoughts.

Tam said...

Like John high school wasn't bad for me. Not the best thing ever and there were moments, but I had friends, partied, had some good times. Not that I'd want to go back. LOL Noooooooo.

I've never seen Daria, we didn't get MTV up here until a few years ago. I did watch the clip you linked to though and I love her dry sarcastic delivery.

Laura said...

When are drunkenly watching all of Daria together? After the Ke$ha concert? Kaypleztanks

Chris D. said...

It is hard to imagine you as an unpopular kid in high school, because you seem pretty popular now.

My middle school experience was crappy, and the first two years of high school were very lonely.

By then I had entombed myself behind the vaguely goth wall of my black leather jacket and combat boots. No one messed with me by then, but I felt so very alone.

In Junior year I fell in love and hooked up with a hot popular jock. I then finally made some amazing close friends, just in time to loose them all to distant colleges.

I spent the next decade trapped in a time-lock closet, clinging to the carcass of a few brief happy moments.

I only escaped from that prison a few years ago. Do I regret my high school experience? No. It was a transformative agony, requisite to my current and future condition.

I remember Daria, but I did not watch much MTV. I think that I felt MTV was where the cool kids learned how to be cool, so I mostly avoided it. I did succumb to the temptation to watch Undressed, but only for the occasional hot guy. ;)

@aTOMicsplicer said...

ARE YOU KIDDING?!?!?! PROM WAS AMAZING! Gays taking over the dance floor (evacuate it, regardless)! Recall the piece of paper that I still possess that says "TOXIC PROM RULES!!!!" Westin Princeton. Vinnie Avahd not having room to breakdance?!?! John Frazee being practically prohibited from showing up because of a "main hallway" chase scene ft. WHO GETS TO THE COKEMOBILE FIRST. Adolescence sucks, yes, but remember your triumphs (ft. Sarah Fall). They are, as equally as your defeats, what made you the strong man you are today.

Michelle M. said...

High School wasn't bad at all. Junior High on the other hand, was a living hell.

And Barry puts on a pretty good show.

anne marie in philly said...

my 16 years of schooling (grade, high, college) ALL SUCKED!

I didn't start feeling good about myself until 10 years ago...yes, I had therapy.

DARIA...YESSSSSS! beavis and butthead, daria, when MTV actually showed MUSIC VIDEOS (what a concept, right?)!

(leaves room to go put DARIA on amazon wish list)

Mel said...

"This thing" is a star-nosed mole. I was one of those smart, brainy kids. And sucked at phys ed. And was a budding young gay boy in South Carolina. Yeah, it pretty much sucked dirty Fergie taint. My only outlet was watching New Wave bands on Friday Night Videos, since we lived too far out of town to get cable.

Seeing all those people on FB these days, though? All the cool kids are now fat and dumpy, and that makes me feel better.

Nathan V said...

yay daria!

My high school was great, hardly any douches. Too bad that yours was lamesauce.

Milo said...

Don't think we get Daria here so no idea who she is. Your content needs to appeal to a global audience, what with your international readership, n'est ce pas!!! O:-]

My childhood was up and down. Moved a LOT which I think has left its mark, mostly by me never being content and always wanting to move on myself. (Queue: The Littlest Hobo... just keep moving on!)

Tam said...

Holy crap, Canadian refeernce of the Littlest Hobo. Shit, now I have the song stuck in my head.

Milo said...

Tam - hadn't realised it was Canadian. LOVED it as a kid! Still do I reckon!

Tam said...

Milo: One of our comedy shows did a play on this where Hank thinks he's met the Littlest Hobo. Hilarious, well, to me and my kid anyway. It's a bit disjointed because there are pieces of the other storyline from that episode.

You can watch it HERE

Naughty said...

Sweetie,

Naughty remembers MTV when they played videos. Like Duran Duran. And Naughty's genius mommy had all the Barry Manilow music for piano. I think I learned the first few chords of Mandy just in time to get rejected by the new and ever-so-much-more-heinous, plaid-skirt-wearing bitch group at my all-girls' school hell. I had just come out of two years of junior high where I had finally attained a state of pseudo popularity that afforded me a break from constant self-loathing and very lonely Friday evenings. I crash landed in the halls of a whole new hell, and I didn't resurface until my sophomore year of college, where somehow I managed to remember that I was a sassy miss thing to be reckoned with. That involved some gin and a really great haircut. But whatever.

Naughty still pretty much looks like Daria if you cut her hair into a Suze Orman doo.

When I'm deeling like reject poo, I just remember that Sassy Is Always the Answer.

Milo said...

Tam - I seem to recall liking Lassie too. Can you believe that dates to the 1950s!? Those were innocent times for sure *sigh*.

Anonymous said...

Hey honey, I remember very well your high school years. At least you did have some good friends , had a social life, went to parties, and of course lets not forget Big American Party! And how could you have ever made it through those years without your cello!!! O.K., so you liked your guitar better! But from what I remember, high school was like heaven to you next to middle school. I don't think anybody liked middle school.
As for me, I couldn't wait to get out of high school. I had very few friends, I HATED the intolerable torture of gym class, and the boys were all dorks of the first degree! I only dated boys from other schools. The highlight of my high school years (since I didn't have Daria) was rushing home from the bus stop as fast as I could to watch "Dark Shadows" every day. I looooooved that show. No matter how bad my day at school was, I could forget all about it as I fell into the gothic, dark life of the vampire Barnabas Collins.
I guess we all had our ways of coping with the insanity of our teenage years, thank goodness!
Love, mom

Justin said...

I can't believe nobody commented that this post made them hungry for pizza. Like ... I am now STARVING for pizza.

I'm with you, Josh. Although JR High was worse -- MUCH worse -- than HS, both sucked big-time for me, at least until part-way through my junior year when I stumbled across a crowd of nerds where I could hide the fact that I was gay amongst a bunch of nerds who didn't have any boyfriends or girlfriends and weren't having any sex whether they were gay OR straight.

I always got picked last for whatever sport in PE and JR High is when I had some of the worst abuse by boys who found me too faggy.

Chris, your post was really sweet and as always I love when you share these aspects of your life. :)

adam said...

Justin, your comments are too long.

I <3 Daria