Thursday, August 19, 2010

If you're looking for a show, they go hardxxxcore.

I love pop music. It brings more joy to my life than nearly anything else, and while there are many cold-hearted snakes out in da mundo who don't listen to (or don't admit to listening to) pop music, I wave my gaypop pride flag high!

So it should come as no surprise that last night I had the privilege of seeing two of today's brightest and most chartacular starz...

...Ke$ha & Rihanna!!

One of my two high school friends that I still talk to high school friendz Laura was my date for the event and since she currently livez in Philadelphia for school, I chillaxed wiff her until the show across the river in Camden, NJ.

Yes, you heard me right...FATHEREFFING CAMDEN! As any person who values their life should know, Camden is known to be the most dangerous city in America. Statistix say that every five seconds in Camden, someone is murdered, raped, mugged and auto-jacked all @ the same time...or sumfing like dat. But as we also all know, nuffin' getz between moi and my pop starletts, so I threw caution [read as: common sense] to the wind and pranced on down to certain doom.

But before I get to da concert, lemme backtrack to the truly thrilling recap of what Laura and I did prior to becoming Ke$hafied. Having just moved into a new apartment, Laura was exxxciterbiked to show me her latest stomping ground. And while her living space is fantastico, I was more captivated by what lay across the street...

Neither of us were sure as to what the hell goes on in THE PAIN CENTER, but I think it's reasonable to assume that it's a torture chamber for a-holez like Ann Coulter, where peepz are forced to give a tonguebath to dis d00d while the Black Eyed Peas' "I Gotta Feeling" playz on infinite repeat.

After we cowered in fear over this ponderous terror, we decided that it would be smart to chow down on some comida before the show. We'd need all the energy we could get! We decided to make several strong alcoholic beveragez quesadillaz para cena! MMMMM.

After we shared one 'dilla (hey, we gotta stay glamorously emaciated!), we were off! We rode the PATCO train from Philly into Hades Camden. When we got off, we walked past this seemingly abandoned murder factory, were kidnapped by thugz, punched in the nose and then escaped and ran to the concert.

When we finally got to the concert, we took note of the crowd and were able to effectively label the demographic majority for a pop concert fiesta: Desperate slutty white grrrlz [feat. miserable boyfriendz].

We entered the open-air arena right when the trashy ho goddess of mah life Ke$ha hit the stage, and while sprinting to our seats, I came across two concert-goers who were pretty, smart, intelligent and perfect [aka they like the same music I do]:

Then we trampled them to death cuz they were in our way. When we got to our seatz, Ke$ha had just started "Party At a Rich Dude's House." Of course I lost mah mind and sang every word to every song and glared at all the ugly & boring peepz who weren't dancing.

Since Ke$ha must have read my Twitter and known I was @ the show, she sang some of mah favo songz!: "Stephen," "D.I.N.O.$.A.U.R." & "Your Love Is My Drug"! She was fantastic and YES, she actually did sing. There was glitter (in the air), costumes, gooftastic dancing and severed mannequin heads. Basically, I was in heaven.

Check out two performance videoz I hijacked off of YouTube:

After we imploded with delight and reassembled our joyously jumbled brainz back togethz, Laura and I decided that our bladders needed some leaking. We went to the bathroomz and I got in and out in two minutes flat:

However, the ladies room was a totez different story...I waited for Laura to emerge from dis mess for prox 12 hourz:

Finally she got out and we decided that during the redic long wait for Rihanna to get her azz out on stage, we'd take a gander at all the merchandise. Since the poorly made T-Shirts were overpriced [aka not free], we took a picture of them instead!:

Then we thought we might need to get drunk to get through some of Rihanna's crappier songz, but when we got to the bar and realized we weren't millionairez, we decided to stay sober and tough it out.

So we went back to our seats and proceeded to whine, bitch and complain for a whole hour until Rihanna decided to come out. Now, Rihanna kind of doesn't exist to me. Sure, she's had some songz that I liked, and some that I didn't, but my opinion of her is very average and unwavering. But of course I wanted to see her sing her two biggest hits, "Rude Boy" & "Umbrella." The former was the third song she sang, but of course the latter was the encore, so I had to sit through all sortz of boring non-singlez and mediocre versionz of her less-than-stellar songz.

She apparently hatez peace and happiness, cuz her entire set was comprised of phallic artillery and animated cartoon grenadez. She also was decked out in some hideouz C-rate Lady GaGogglez buffoon costumez that were complicated and ugly.

But finally, she sang "Umbrella" and me and every person there made sure our "ella, ella, ella, ey, ey, ey"s could be heard from milez around. Then some peepz actually busted out their umbrellas and started wielding them like weapons and swiping them through the air. One such artard enthusiastic individual was a soccer mom seated next to me. Here I am fearing for my life:

Even though Rihanna isn't necessarily my cup o' tea, it was still a good concert and I am so ooooo jazzercised that I got to see Ke$ha! I'm proud to say that I am now and forever one of Lady Gaga's "little monsters" Ke$ha's "animals"! ROOOOOOAAAAR!


hoteltuesday said...

I hope she sang her smash hit "Russian Roulette"!!!! You can see my heeeeeeeaaaaaarrttt BEATING.

Tam said...

Sounds like a fun time. The kidlet was quite pissed that we were in New York when Kesha was here. Ooops. Oh well, she's young.

A couple of year's ago I took her and a friend to a multi-concert, Simple Plan, Faber Drive and a couple of other groups. We were on the floor by the stage just bopping around having a good time when I notice this father standing beside me who had obviously accompanies his little teen demon spawn. He NEVER MOVED the whole time. He stood there arms crossed, feet braced apart and I never saw one twitch, one toe tap, one sway to the music the whole freaking four hours. Okay, maybe it wasn't his scene but come on, how can you be 20 feet from a live pop band and at least not bob your head a couple of times? If you're that miserable you should have stayed home and found someone else to take the kid that would have some fun. Some people are weird. But at least he didn't pull out an umbrella and wave it around because THAT is weirder.

Nathan V said...

Waving around umbrellas is awesome! It means they have great enthusiasm and should be nurtured!

sounds like a great time. I also hate how much they charge for booze at these events, it's totally ridiculous.

David said...

Yay!!! Glad you had a great time and made people feel bad for not doing exactly what you felt they should do. Good job!

john said...

That picture of you is priceless. Rihanna doesn't do much for me. I like a few songs, but they are mostly forgettable.

Mel said...

What's up with all the tinsel? Doesn't she know some poor kitteh's gonna eat it and die? Does she do it on purpose so she can wear their skins on her head? Gross.

goblinbox said...

I totes feel like I was there with you!

Michelle M. said...

Hurray for glitter!
I hate "I Gotta Feeling." So much. If I hear it one more time I'm going to have a seizure and die. And then go to hell where I'll have to hear it on a loop. So I better start feeding the homeless or hug an orphan or something.

Your expression in the umbrella photo is classic.

Justin said...

Hey! Don't be mean about people giving me tongue-baths!!!

Why does everybody hate BEP and I Gotta Feeling? Yes, that song has been overplayed and overplayed to death but it was a damn good song :P I don't even consider it a guilty pleasure.

Josh, how is it that you manage to find yourself in these insanely dangerous places? I remember your earlier post involving shoot-outs.

"[feat. miserable boyfriends]" was my favorite phrase in this whole post :) :) <3 <3

That *is* a great pic of you. The umbrellas sound hilarious and fun. I'm glad you had a great time. This is an awesome post! :)

adam said...

Why are girls always so slow in the bathroom?? They must be afraid to use the urinals b/c creepy dudes (Justin) will peek at their p33ns.

Once I went to the loo at a Barenaked Ladies concert, and while i was pee'n at a urinal, a drunk girl walked in and saw that all the stalls were taken. So she did what any reasonable person would do. she yanked down her nickers, squatted, and peed in the middle of the floor.

anne marie in philly said...

confidential to adam: the ladies room lines are always long cause we just can't whip it out and go...we have to take off more clothes than you. AND there are 50 urinals for men to 1 toilet in the ladies restroom.

so, josherz was in my neighborhood...I THOUGHT I smelled something funny! or was that smell just the city of camden? LOL

Laura said...

I love Camden especially the part where everyone dies and pregnant smoking ladies judge me for carrying an ax through the streets. It's practically mad max out there.

I love how this post is an homage to the fact that we're thin and have excellent taste despite a tenancy to almost get ourselves killed.

Also you forgot to mention the besties you met in the lady's bathroom line. because OmG!!!! ThEy TaLkEd To A bOy

that's J-O-S-H said...

Enrico: I don't think she actually DID sing it! But then again, the only time I've ever heard that song was on the Nevermore's dancefloor! I could have easily missed it!

Tam: I would LOVE to go to a concert with you...I made sure I at least bobbed my head along with the Rihanna songs I hated!

Nathan: I think everyone, from the first song, had their umbrellas armed and ready for soon as Rihanna growled "You had my heart," they instantly shot up from the crowd and began swaying!

David: If I didn't know you better, I would think you were being RUDE CITY!

John: Totally...especially her boring azz slow jams! zzzzzzzzz

Mel: Actually, they relocated the kitten factory a mile from the venue to avoid such a catastrophe.

Gobblez Box: I wish you were! We could outsing the outta tune group of annoying high school girls that were bellowing in front of me!

Michelle: I HATE party anthem songs! They ALWAYS piss me off and give me a million headaches!

Justin: I hate that song cuz it is loud, annoying and whenever it gets played at the club, peepz freak out like it's the first time they've ever heard it. Plus, the Black Eyed Peas USED to be a semi-decent R&B pop group with inventive songs that traded their unique sound for a commercial yet boring catalog of asshole rebel rouser anthems.

Adam: That seems like the fitting thing to do at a Barenaked Ladies show!

Anne Marie: HEY! I smell like roses aka like crushed dreams and pennies (the only $$$ in my pockets)!

Laura: We are always 50 points ahead of everyone else due to our ability to stick out our skinny rib cages with the greatest of ease! (I'm sooo hungry all the time, but I WILL BE SKINNY!)

tornwordo said...

I love pop music too, but I've always been kinda ashamed about that. NO MORE! You've made it so I can be outa the proverbial closet on that.