Sunday, July 11, 2010

The person that I dreamt up when I was 16.

If you take a look @ mah Last.FM from last Sunday, you will clearly see that I was a sad little goat. Listening to the same three heart-wrenching mellow jamz on repeat for hourz is never a good sign and I am disappointed in you all surprised no one called/tweeted/messaged me to make sure I wasn't killing mah own azz! MEAN!

But since all you cholitoz are reading dis blog now, I guess it meanz you care about me (and I expect many a supportive comment to flood dis entry!). Last weekend, while I was packing mah bag for my workweek in Nueva Nueva, I started getting all teary-eyed and lame, thinking about mah vida!

I remember when I was a douchey little self-centered high schooler and wrote entry after entry in my st00pid My-Diary about HoW ComPLiCAdO MaH LiFe WuZzzZ. I started looking through all these crappy entriez and came across a few in partix that injected my heart with a double dosing of the melancholy sadz!

The entriez (which I can't seem to relocate now! Looks like you'll just have to read through ALL OF DEM!) were largely me envisioning what mah vida would be like once I turned 22.

Keep in mind that I was a hopelessly romantic 16-year-old that cried when he got picked last for kickball and who thought that the melodramatic sap bag that is Rent was the single greatest expression of creativity to ever come into existence.

Here is a recap of what teenage me had hoped current me would be like:

I would live in a gloriouz apartment right in the middle of the sexxxy hipster part of the city. I would sit out on the fire escape with my racially-ambiguous & emotionally damaged roommate grrrlfriend and we'd drink wine from the bottle and share DaRk SeCrEtOz via candlelight from our pasts while listening to smart peep music [see: Sigur Ròs, Radiohead, Modest Mouse & Cursive].

I would spend my diaz being poor and serving peepz comida @ a casual, yet moderately expensive restaurante where I'd make decent (though not luxxxury-providing) tipz. In the wee horaz of night, I'd slave over a dinosaur-era typewriter and compose poem after self-reflecting confessionalist poem until mah fingerz reeked of ink and clever enjambment! This leadz to a book deal which then leadz to me revitalizing the poetry market and ushering in a new generation of successful poetz! What a sensitive, tortured soul, have I!

On the weekendz, to make some exxxtra buckaroonz, I'd go to the local coffee shop and perform heart-breaking original ditties about throats/eyez/knucklebonez, nostalgic remembrances of quick handfuls of boy's skin and painful odes to islands that atlases forgot. With each performance, more and more peepz would come to my shows and I'd collect a swarm of handome and intelligent men folk that would shyly eye me as I performed...thus causing me more inspiration which thus leadz to more admirerz!

I would then become discovered @ the coffee shop and be signed to an Indie record label. I'd break through to the pop charts with a soulful ballad an upbeat song about partying wiff hot grrrlz [feat. dancey island beat]. After I win two Grammys that year, I get cast in a sexxxy/different/reflective feature film about a male prostitute. I win the Oscar that year for my performance. After proving mah axxxing skillz, I get cast in the much-buzzed about revival of Godspell, in which I also score a Tony for my performance as Judas or whatever.

Finally, the grandest dream of mah entire fake life comez to fruition: I make it on the cover of a glossy magazine! An 8-page spread accompanies my cover and featurez a well-written and insightful interview and 5 racy-yet-tasteful B&W photoz where I pose mah emaciated body in tight undaroonz next to naked men, while my mascara runs [feat. "yes, you can't have me" eyez] and I look longingly into the camera (cuz even though I have fame y fortune, I still cry, cry, cry in mah lonely heart).

YAY! And since I am now 24, and have yet to accomplish any of these goalz I had set for mahself, I think it's time to go cry and leave some teardropz on mah guitar. Now I'm moping, but what about you hoz? What was your biggest dream as a 16-year-old? Did you accomplish it or fail like I did?


Tam said...

Maybe I'm just suffering early on-set Alzheimers, but I have no clue what I wanted with my life at 16. Although I guess I knew I wanted to travel. I went to Europe for 3 weeks with my marching band that summer and it was the trip that cemented my mad need to see the world.

Did I achieve my goal? Well, it's on-going but yes, I lived in Europe for 3 years, I made a point of travelling as much as possible, I'm luckily in a job that has in the past let me travel and will again in the future. No, I don't own a house and own a compact car and not a luxury one, but I've travelled places I couldn't have if I was making a mortgage payment and higher car payments. So for me, I'm willing to sacrifice those things everyone says someone in my position should own to travel and see the world.

Hope you're feeling better this week sweetie. No tears. Hugs.

Justin said...

I'm with Tam. I don't remember what I thought I was going to do with my life when I was 16. Hell. I'm 49 and I still haven't decided what I'm going to do with my life. :P

I'm curious what a "racy-yet-tasteful" photo looks like. And I think you meant to say pose in your underooz and WITH naked men. Unless I'm wrong. Could be wrong ;-)

Anyway you're 24 and you have your dream job. So don't kill your own azz. You have a bloggy public to make happy!!!

adam said...

All my dreams have been flushed away in the toilet ... I don't think anyone ever turns out the way that they wanted to. You gotta sit at that dinosaur-era typer and rewrite your vida. Pull yourself together cuz if noth'n else, I (and the rest of the bloggy p33ps) still love you (even if u do go all FU BOO HOO on our blogz...).

adam said...

btw, when i was 16, i wanted to be a high school English teacher, married to a ladywife that was constantly pooping out babies. nope, nope, nope, that stuff didn't happen.

Laura said...

You weren't listening to Mean on repeat so I know you're not dead. asshole. LOVE P!NK MORE aka remember that I got your emo ass a guitara signed by the Goo Goo Dolls by beating all our friends until they gave me money.

Also when I was 16 I wanted to get out of Hopewell (fail) and be skinny and pretty (success!).


Eric said...

Ugh, I'm with you. I haven't won nearly any of the awards that I pictured sitting on my shelf when I was in middle school...

I could really use a wish right now. right now. right now.

Dave2 said...

I wanted to be a neurosurgeon astronaut. I failed horribly, obviously, but it didn't really bother me... UNTIL NOW! Thanks a lot Josh! :-)

Delisa said...

I wanted to be a doctor. I even volunteered at a hospital and I think that's when I started hating medicine yet I still enrolled as a Bio major in college...

So much has changed but for the better. I wanted to help the other kiddies with Sickle Cell but instead of doing it via Dr. Delisa I can do it via Delisa, Editor in Chief. We are young, there is still hope.

Lora said...

so you're okay now, right? if not come here immediately and we'll figure out a plan.

My life is SO not what I thought it would be when I was 16. Or 26. Or yesterday, for that matter. Funny how all this planning goes in, isn't it? I wish I could just be happy living by the seat of my pants.

Naughty said...


I don't remember 16 too well, although I'm pretty sure that's when I started drinking. Um, ipso facto.

I wanted to run a fabulous gallery or be the boss of the Met. Fail. I wanted a fabulous house in the burbs of Nashville that would make all the hateful little bitches I went to school with drool with envy. Also fail.

But now that I pretty much would rather not own anything (SRSLY), I'm getting happier by the day. I'm concentrating on my Master Plan of running the new west Harlem branch of the Hotel Chelsea. When this dream scenario comes true, I'm going to offer you and David the most romantic garret apartment in my urban utopian experiment in hostelry. You can clack away on your antique writing device while management looks into insuring your fingers against crapple tunnel. Perhaps David will graciously agree to organize theater night at the WHCH. Then, with our amazing revenue generated from ticket sales to these thespian happenings, we will fly in Goblinbox. She and that cute dog can have the adjoining garret. Once we have her on board, we will have Rock the WHCH Night, where our revenue will quintuple on the waves of her amazing voice. Management, meanwhile, will be looking into acquiring a liquor license so that we can sell Boon's Farm in dixie cups at these events.

If this doesn't work, I'll be here in Florida, scraping oil off the wildlife. My ultimate goal, of course, will be to establish North of Key West (NoKW), where all the people who come to do beach clean up can get drunk on rum in the evenings and talk about Ernest Hemingway. I'll need to import some of those 6-toed cats to improve the atmosphere. Also, I'll invest in citronella tiki torches.

I hope you're feeling lighter-hearted, Sweetie. I totally get the blues moving in from outta nowhere. That's when I indulge my fantasy lifestyle changes the most. And you know what? Really, anything is possible, no matter your age. And Naughty thinks you're fabulous, along with all these other bloggy peeps. MUAH!

Mel said...

OMG, I was totally picked last for kickball, too!

I decided when I was 12 that I wanted to be a veterinarian. When I finally graduated from vet school at 25, I was left thinking, "well, what now?" Still trying to sort that out.

David said...

At 16 I wanted to just get out of high school and off to college (accomplished). Beyond that I had no clear ideas. I trusted (as I still do) that things would simply fall into place as they were meant to. So far so good. I mean, you fell into my place, right? ;-)

john said...

The only thing I can remember ever wanting to be was a father. In my early 20's I watched two of my siblings go through infertility and it changed how I think about things.

I decided not to set goals beyond the long term goal of wanting to be happy. It helped when I went through infertility in my marriage. It has also helped with other things in my life too. Being happy means different things at different times, but there are some consistencies, primarily I need time to work on my art.

anne marie in philly said...

didn't know what I wanted to be at 16, and I STILL don't know at 55.

I'm just gonna sit back and watch what happens. it's either going to be a train wreck or something FABULOUS!

Tam said...

you fell into my place, right? ;-)

I have visions of Josh crashing through the roof of your apartment now and landing in your arms. Totally romantic. Painful, but romantic.

Michelle M. said...

Aww, I'm sorry to hear you're going through a beginning(?)life crisis. If it's any comfort, you're young, gorgeous, talented and much loved. And have plenty of time to make your dreams come true. Or get better ones.

My life didn't turn out quite as I envisioned. I got the husband, but like john (as usual), the children never happened. So I'm reevaluating what to do with my life and working on finding happiness with what I have instead of what I think I need.

Or maybe I'll just adopt you and Enrico...

Polt said...

At 16 I'm pretty sure I wanted to be a high school history teacher. Until i got to college and had to go sit in on classes back in high school. No freakin' WAY was I gonna try to teach THOSE heathens anything.

Then I wanted to be a mid-level beuraucratic paperpusher in a government job...which is what I am now. yip-freakin'-hee.

And don't worry Josh, you can still be a "douchey little self-centered high schooler" even though you're not in school anymore. :)

I kid, I KID!


Anonymous said...

Honey, where do I begin? I had so many dreams and visions of what my life would be like. When I was 14, I loved horses, so my best friend and I were going to have a horse farm in our 20's...didn't happen, not even close. Then at 16 it was all about boys, music, my guitar, and wanting to get through high school as fast as I could (mainly because I did, always had, and always would HATE gym, nobody wanted me on their team either. Must be in the genes). Shortly after this, being the child of the 60,s that I was, I believed my destiny was to end war and fight for world peace. Trouble was, I just couldn't figure out how I was going to do it. I guess no one else could either cause we still have war, and the world is worse now than it was then.
Then I went entered college as an art major, but ended up with a career as a psychiatric and addiction counselor, which I loved.
And on, and on, and on......
Life takes a lot of twists and turns, but one big lesson I learned is to always look at what you have, instead of what you don't have. And you have soooo much , my excellent son.
Oh, by the way, you still have plenty of time to write your book,live in a knocked out apartment...and maybe be famous!!!
So what was my greatest accomplishment in my life? My 3 wonderful children, of course!
Love you, mom

Tam said...

OMG! *sniff* *sniff* What a super Mom.

Milo said...

Love the photo mashups! :D