Tuesday, July 6, 2010

My [Belated] Monday Muse

Sandra Lee

I always admire those that can cook/bake. I mean, for serial, is there anything more attractive that a man who will cook all your mealz for you while you plant your nalgaz in front of his computer and blog about pointless crap who can work wonderz in the cocina?! NO! Well...yes, "Bulletproof" by La Roux is better, but culinary boyfriendz are a close second!

I actually have moderate culinary talentz, mahself. I survived throughout the majority of college making my own comida, and I didn't end up getting fat/dying via clogged arteries/choking down nasty burned food itemz. Although, I am far from a food master exxxpert, so I must admit that after watching dis week's Monday Muse elegantly saunter [read as: drunkenly stutter] about her fakeazz studio kitchen, I picked up a tip or two myself! Just watch and get your pen and notepad ready!

I WANT TO BE SEMI-HOMEMADE! Sandra Lee [feat. golden locks and matching outfit/kitchen color comboz] is the modern day Julia Child. Though, I'm thinking that Heidi Montag might be a better choice to portray her in a movie than that novice Meryl Streep! But I digress...let's not deter away from the point of dis entry...DERRICIOUZ GOOD YUMMY SUPA-SUPA SIMPLE LUSCIOUS FOODINGZ!

I don't know what half the shit is she's scooping and pooping and pouring and plopping all over the place, but it sure lookz fanciful! I'm so low-class, I don't think I even deserve to eat Sandra's splatterz! I have to get myself into the kitchen more often so I too can master the recipe of the Luxurious Local Aquarium Espresso!

Remember, the secret ingredient to anything truly scrumptious is a splash (or 6) of vodka and a nice hefty portion of fisting!


Mel said...

I just love how she says "aquurium". Serial, though? Bitch needs some serious slappin', even if she wouldn't feel it 'cause of all the booze.

adam said...

I LOVE HER! Food Network for President! Her themes and matching decor for every episode is inspiring! And oh boy does she love the sauce...

Ryan said...

"Great, long, think, nine-inch cock"


I've only seen the show once. Semi-homemade is a philosophy I can embrace. I'm lazy but enjoy doing a little bit of cooking.

Tam said...

Poor baby was completely thrown off her game because there were no presliced mushrooms. What's a girl to do? Spend 10 whole minutes doing it herself. Life is hard.

For some reason Food Network in Canada doesn't carry her show (thank Jeebuz). I remember Mel posted an article about someone who followed her recipe for a dinner party and it was a total gross-out. She had some pretty disgusting stuff in those clips.

Justin said...

HIALRIOUS! That clip made me laugh out loud a good 5 separate times. She's pretty dreadful. This is the only way to watch her. :-)

Wait -- can't write anymore -- I think it's cocktail time!

Michelle M. said...

Tablescapes! Cocktails! Marshmallows wrapped in fondant! What's not to love (well, maybe that last one).
I can't help but like her. She pretty much raised her 5 younger siblings at the age of 11. And one of them is gay. She must be doing something right.

john said...

She crazy, but in a good way. I think some of her dishes are horrendous and the tablescapes a bit much (really, who the hell has that kind of time?) but she is entertaining.

Naughty said...


Fucking brilliant. Perhaps Naughty's favorite Monday Muse ever!

Sandra is someone I love to snicker about. My best friend gave me one of her cookbooks, and whenever I need to remind myself what NOT to do for a party theme, I flip it open and thumb to the picture of her sitting amidst a tablescape that looks like Louis XIV threw up on it. She makes Rococo look understated. Love the montage---whoever put this together? I want to be their new best friend.

David said...

Hopefully soon to be the First Lady of New York State (fingers crossed). That would be lucious.

I think the one thing that is nearly as attractive as a man who cooks for you while you plant your nalgaz etc. etc. is a man who enthusiastically eats every morsel on his plate, sometimes before you've had a chance to take your second bite.

Naughty said...

Dear David,

By luscious you mean terrifying, yes? Let's hope they hire Colin Cowie to help her get a grip. Girlfriend needs some serious reprogramming. As in please stop shopping at Hobby Lobby and mixing plastic choking hazards with the cupcakes.

Did you see the vid of her dressed as Cher? Jeebus. Naughty could almost hear Bob Mackie's Botox creaking under the strain of The Wrongness.

Anonymous said...

To David,
That man that enthusiastically eats every morsal on his plate before you eat your second bite wouldn't by chance be my son, would it? I hear ya!!

Josh, she's a real piece of work, she is!
Love, mom