Sunday, July 4, 2010

Gay Schtuff

As everyone that readz dis blog probably is aware of, last weekend was the NYC Gay Pride Parade. I have envisioned this shindig to be a terrifying display of all the tingz that irritate me about gay stereotypez, but it was actually quite awesomeskatez and surprisingly welcoming!

But as unifying and sexxxual entertaining as it was, there was sumfing else that made the parade even better. As we all know, the best part of paradez is the possibility of scoring a lootbag full of pointless wonderful mementoz from floatz that think you actually care about their organization/product and not just the free lollipopz or whatever they are chucking @ the crowd.

Well, the NYC Gay Pride Parade basically crushed the living hell outta every other parade I'd ever been to! So since I shared wiff you all [read as: bored the living shiitake mushroomz outta you] my photographz from the Mermaid Extravaganza Whore March, I thought I would instead just pump your veinz full of envy wiff a quick rundown of all the goodiez I scored @ the NYC Gay Pride Parade!



A) Fan - It was prox 98 degreez & rising, so all of us parade-bystanderz were jonesing for a way to cut the unrelenting heat [feat. consequentially unsightly sweat waterfall] that was suffocating us. And since parade sponsor Fuze decided to ignore our section of audience when they handed out free samples of their overpriced faux-fruit juicez, me and mis amigoz were left still sweltering in the sun's unflinching douchegaze. Lucky for us though, some peepz strolled by handing out the paper fans I am holding in my hand in da above picture. It was the only thing standing between me and 13 back2back heatstrokez.

B) Condoms - I know I might be in the minority of peepz that (oh, no) do not hook u(uh-uh)p, so it was reassuring to see that EVERY FLOAT was handing out goodie bagz chockfull of condamnz! My total is upwards of 60 rubberz, which is probably about double the number of times I've ever needed to use one in mah entire life! It's my goal to use all of them before they exxxpire [aka hand them out to whorez on the street along with a pamphlet on finding personal salvation through Jeebuz Christ].

C) Beads - You know how during Mardi Gras grrrlz flash their milk dudz @ fat old men to try and get cheap dollar store beadz? Well, the same ting happenz @ Pride Parade! Only instead of having to peekaboo your nipz, you just need to eye-fuck the cholita or glitterpuss holding the bag o' beadz and pray that you're cute enough to deserve ugly plastic jewelry. I must have been doing sumfing right (or wrong?), cuz I ended up getting three necklacez of that gaudy crap! Good for me! SOPHISTICATED STYLE FOREVER!

D) Stickers - I feel like candy is the go-to handout throwout @ all community-based events. And while the Pride Parade did feat. a supply of candy-toting men in thongz, the majority of the prizez given came in the form of stickers. I made it my goal to acquire as many stickers as I possibly could and plaster my bod wiff them. By the end of da parade, I had prox 13 stickers smacked onto my torso, including several for boring politicianz and one celebrating my god-given lesbianism.

E) Lip-chap - Sure, it ain't my (incarcerated?) grrrlfriend Saaphyri's infamous lip moisturizer, but it still was FREE! I told Dahvid that I was afraid to use it, cuz I was 99% sure that I would get da herpes if I slathered that onto to my puckerz (based on absolutely nothing), but I applied it and didn't get a single spot. Just a cold sore! Yay!

F) Cher's head - I don't need to tell you about the upcoming film Burlesque (I'm sure November 24th is circled in red on all of your calendars!). And I for def def defferz didn't need to tell the participants in the parade about the Christina Aguilera-debuting film! Everywhere you looked, peepz were holding paper fans with either Xtina or some old person's face on sticks. I tried to coerce some nearly-n00dz to give me their bionic Xtina faces to no avail. Then I saw a decapitated Cher puss in the middle of the street and convinced a parading pepaw to give it to me! And her face doesn't look half bad...tanxb2gawd for Photoshop retouchingz!

G) Katy Perry! - Speaking of celebrity trash memorabilia that I found, my friendz y yo were walkin' through a dirrty alleyway when I nearly tripped over this gorge (albeit ripped to piecez) poster of Katy Perry from the cover of her latest #1 single (4 weekz & counting!) "California Gurls"! I don't care if the poster looks like Rosie O'Donnell tried to eat the Candyland magic off of K. Perry's sugarpillowz, I still hung that dirty piece of torn paper on my wall! My love runneth deep!

H) Spanking Stick - Now, it wouldn't be a Gay Pride Parade (cuz I'm a self-appointed exxxpert) if there weren't some classy sexxxytime toyz handed out to the crowd. And what better way to tell someone that you them than to smack them repeatedly with a splinter-ridden poorly sanded piece of wood?! I only know someone lovez me when they give me a black eye, break my arm and then beat me repeatedly with an over-sized tongue depressor!

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So are YOU a parade addict like I am? What's the greatest loot you ever scored for FREE from such celebrations?! Do I look like an a$$hole in that photo?! Let me know!

P to da S:
We went to a Chinese restaurant right after the parade, and the fortune I got in my stale dessert cookie was, no shit, THIS. AZN people READ. MY. MIND!

18 comments:

David said...

I can say with without reservation that Josh is a natural at scoring loot. Unless it's an ice cream sandwich that I scored that he then refused to eat. Yes, I know Josh, skinny 4ever.

Dave2 said...

Wait a second... are you saying you're GAY?!??

Dave2 said...

P.S. And doesn't EVERYBODY carry Cher's head around? I wouldn't leave the house without mine!

Tam said...

Do I look like an a$hole in that photo?!

Yes, but I love you anyway.

Wow, NYC does parade loot in a big way. Where I grew up it was candy with the odd nail file thrown in (so you break out jail after you got caught for public drunkness later at the rodeo party.)

At the Ottawa parade we got ... Ummm, candy (which I gave to the kiddies), a green condom from the Green Party (politicians), a frisbee thingy, a little container that held a condom and individual lube packet which had me squeeing in glee because I really was beginning to believe individual lube packets were the stuff of authors' imaginations.

Oh wait, I found the pic from the post I did. Note that humerous slogan on the green condom. Definitely not NYC level loot, but hey, we're a small town.

Glad you had fun and love your fortune.

Paul said...

sorry I missed you guys there, even thought we were only 100 feet away from each other, that traslated into about 6.8 billionz of bodies in the way

john said...

He refused an ice cream sandwich? The boy ain't right.

David it's cute when you use Joshspeak.

bigislandjeepguy said...

i am probably going to get killed for even mentioning this, but i am getting shades of tom cruise in "risky business" from this photo. well, minus all the goodies and just the shades, josh and what almost looks like a mic in his hand.

jus' sayin'.

anne marie in philly said...

strike the pose...you look so hollywood star there...glad you had a good time!

Delisa said...

You forgot the stack of fliers to join every LGBT organization in NY and the condom packages containing lube! I'm already excited for next year!

Michelle M. said...

You look like a star. You should have swag thrown at you wherever you go.

Polt said...

All the bling and swag you get at the Pride Parade is one of the reasons I love them! Course, it's always better to be watching it with a cute young guy, cause you'll get much more stuff tossed your way. For three years, I took my friend Johnnie, when he was 17, 18 & 19, and I got more shit from the crumbs Johnnie had left over from what he got than i got in the last ten years on my own! :)

Glad you had a good time!

HUGS...

tornwordo said...

Love the picture! Love the line with the sun's unflinching douchegaze lol. I'm all about the loot too. The best I think was getting a Jamiroquai disc at a White Party thing in Palm Springs ages ago.

I never get the beads, pout.

adam said...

Maybe if u told me that there'd be free stuff, I would have gone!

callonmevalerie said...

I got tons of beadz from the Boston pride, and photos of me with a ton of my soul mates (which prompted my manager to ask me if I was a lesbian. No! I just wanted to hear Gaga with half naked men! GEEEEEEZ), including one of me hugging a dude dressed as a penis.

And I got the token package of condoms, lube, and an ad for Manhunt with a photo of two men aggressively making out on it.

Oh, an a long island iced tea from a gay sports bar (oxymoron?) that got me more drunk than one drink should've.

FREE!

goblinbox said...

I love that photo.

goblinbox said...

I have also just finished 2/3 of a bottle of merlot.

Justin said...

So this is the big disadvantage to having actually *MARCHED* in the parade. No goodies. I think the New Jersey group I was in [feat. Chris @perspectologist D and Justin @comfortablejunk S] had a bucket of candy they were handing out.

Plus, us marchers were exposed to the sun's unflinching douchegaze all the way from 39th street down to the village. We really could've used some of those fans!

It took me a while to figure out those things were "spanking sticks". Then I was unlucky enough to see some of them being used.

I was looking out for you and David in the ocean of a billion people crammed behind barricades and was having no luck. I was also looking for Paul [feat. gigantic bald head avatar] who as it turns out was right across the street from you guys. Chris D was the one who spotted you two. David's face lit up and he looked really sweet as he waved at us and it was nice to finally meet you even if it was only for 1.5 seconds. You are taller than I thought you were. :-) Shame the parade was moving me along so fast I couldn't stop to take a pic of u and David.

Glad you enjoyed yourself. I had a blast, and not just because it was like a furnace in NYC that day. I took lots of pix and vids and every time I play one of the videos and hear all the cheering from the bystanders on both sides it lifts up my heart a little :-)

Mel said...

Torn: Clearly you need to flash your tits more.

Josh: Have I mentioned before that my David calls it lip chap, too?