Thursday, June 24, 2010

Painted mermaids on parade!

Look @ all the vundervill thingz Nueva York has bestowed upon me and my (former) boring life: A fabo jerb I love...some great new friendz...many a drunken night full o' debauchery. So fun! And dis weekend just further cemented my love of this state and all it has to offer! And that's because last Saturday, Duhvid y yo shuffled our nalgaz onto the subway and in under thirty minutoz, we were in Coney Island!

We laid about on the beach and got burnt to shit tan, caught up on some very necessary relaxation and then ate crappy foodz courtesy of the grossest boardwalk slop trough I've ever encountered. But none of that measures to anything in comparison to what we did the second half of the day...TWO FUCKING WORDS: Mermaid Parade!

Hellz to da burping yeahz! It was the annual Mermaid Extravaganza Whore March and Duhvid & I made sure we had great seats to catch all the festivities! However, unlike other paradez where participants attempt to look polished and serious and self-righteous [think Lady GaGogglez], the Mermaid Extravaganza Whore March was a trashy mess that owned it's campiness and was filled with surprises [think John Waters' peliculaz].

And I took [read as: Duhvid took] a million and a half photoz! But instead of boring you with shotz of every last freak, I thought I'd share with all you beautiful blogarooniez...

My 10 Favo Things @ the 2010 Coney Island Mermaid Extravaganza Whore March!

The First Mermaid

Not including the honorary merfolk king and queen of the parade, Lou Reed & Laurie Anderson, this fuzzy pink dinosaur mess of a woman was the primero sea creature to be wheeled into the parade. I had to double-take when I first saw this glorious being, cuz I could have sworn to Jeebuz that the ghost of Mrs. Slocombe had risen from the grave, hijacked the moon and then graced our undeserving ojoz with her presence!

The Fat Dreamgirls

Deez gorgeous (albeit chunktastico) cholitaz captured mi corazon when they danced [read as: waddle, spin, wave, repeat] down the parade route. Not only did they serial have the most beautiful outfits of the entire parade, but they instantly reminded me of my mah favorite R&B trio of all time, only all of them were Jennifer Hudson-sized!

Bicycle Fish

A combination of two thingz that plagued my childhood wiff thoughts of inadequacy! I tried learning to ride a bike when I was a tot, but that blew up in smoke (or should I say blew up in bark?) when I crashed into a tree. I also was terrified of drowning, so I didn't learn to swim till I was prox 13! Yeah...yeah...SoOoOoOoO wEiRd! Whatever. Now only if I had one of deez slick ridez, I might be able to finally master both activities!

Mr. Fire Hydrant

Yeah...this get-up is totally stretching the water motif to a severe breaking point, but I dig the Devo-esque hat and the citrus coloring! Makez me wish I had the gutz to vandalize public property in the summer and smash onto hydrantz with wrenchez to open them up in a waterfall of heat-slicing H20 like they do in the movies.

The Pole-Dancer

A little ova a year ago, Miley Cyrus performed her future smash hit "Party In the U.S.A." live @ some stupid kid award show. For like, 30 seconds, she rode an ice cream cart around on stage and held onto a pole for balance. The web erupted with liez about how she pole-danced and blah blah blah. All those gozzip folkz should have seen this gringa beauty above if they wanted to know was real Showgirling pole-dancing looks like. Family fun!

Waffle Grrrl

Joy to the world, / All the boys and girls. / Joy to the breakfast (?) in the deep blue sea, / Joy to you and me!

Dead Hooker Puppet

Dreadlox? Giantism? A Smurf complexion? Ke$ha make-up? Is this a float decoration or the much-anticipated demon that will finally drag me to HELL?! (I prayed it was the latter, alas, twas the former.)

Art Freaks

In order to spare my mind the agony of trying to navigate the non-existent correlation lines between Andy Warhol and fictitious marine life, I have rationalized that this brief homage to one of art history's oddest heroez is supposed to play into the fact that The Velvet Undergound [feat. Lou Reed] used a piece of Warhol's for an album cover of theirs. Yeah...

Whatever the Hell This Is

Like some sort of volcanic, techno butterfly, the creature above drunkenly sloshed her way down the street, gyrating and butt-grinding and handbanging like it's going outta style. Her elegant wingz whipped through the air with every crack of her neck. Her inebriated lunging really was sumfing to be admired. Think Lindsay Lohan meets Mothra. Now where the fudge is Godzilla [feat. set & ready electronic drug anklet]?!

The Last Beautiful Girl

So grrrlfriend here might not seem very special and she's not but oh how you're wrong! Blondie here [feat. bikini on top] delicately waltzed near the end of the parade, by herself, stopping every ten secondz to have her puss snapshotted by some rando photographer. Her dedication to her own fame, even when walking half-nakie down a street by lonesome, wiff thousandz of critical peeperz pondering your very reason for existing, is quite inspiring. It is because of her that I am hiring a clan of paparazzi to follow my taint around wherever I go. I. WILL. BE. FAMOSO!


john said...

The beauty contained in this post is overwhelming. So do you know how to swim and ride a bike now?

Tam said...

I LOVE the fish bikes. Oh and that ... ummm ... volcanic, techno butterly. Did you have a funnel cake? Those are mandatory heart attack foods. Glad you had fun.

Dave2 said...

My love of waffles has me infatuated with Waffle Girl. The fact that she comes with her own butter is just a bonus.

Naughty said...


Waddle, spin, wave, repeat. I LOVES it. It's like mermaid yoga. And to think I was in the city last weekend on my first NYC pilgrimage, and I MISSED THIS. I'm totally serious. I would joyfully have given my last day in NY to anything featuring a walking waffle. I so love waffles. Sniffle. Moreover, if my old bike had looked like a pink bath toy, I would never have sold it. Never never never.

Michelle M. said...

Just another example of why waffles are better than pancakes.

Thanks to this post, attending (or being in!) the mermaid parade has now officially made my list of things I want to do before I die.

*I dressed up as a fire hydrant for Halloween once (Harry dressed up as a dog). We won an enormous container of Cheetos cheese balls for best costume.

David said...

I'm impressed you waded through those roughly 200 photos to pick these ten excellent examples of the fabulous trashiness that is the Mermaid Parade.

Next time we will do the sunblock better. ow.

that's J-O-S-H said...

John: Swimming = Cha, Biking = NEVER

Tam: No funnel cakez, but I did have a hot dog, soggy friez and dis weird pancake that was filled wiff mozzarella cheese. Derrriciouz!(?)

Dave2: To say I'd kill the world for that butter sombrero would be an UNDERSTATEMENT!

Naughty: There's alwayz nexxxt year! Let's go together!

Michelle: If anyone could pull of an ingenious mermaid costume, it's you! Also, good call on waffles being TOTALLY better than pancakes!

David: Less sunblock! I need more color so people tink I spend more time outside than I really do!

Anonymous said...

What a bizarre Parade! The "dead hooker puppet" is scary. I would have laughed so hard if I had been there! And about Coney Island, I have never been there, but you know how I love boardwalks, {going back to my childhood and beyond countless times at Seaside}. There is nothing like boardwalk food, it's so bad, but so good!
Love, mom

mkf said...

the photoshoppery was a nice touch.