Monday, June 14, 2010

My Monday Muse

Jake

I know...being single can be the pits! You bounce around from guy to guy, tinking that one day the secretive hooking up will stop and you both can finally declare your undying less-than-3z for each other, only to have them beef in your face the second the word "commitment" is mentioned. (Am I right grrrlz? Am I RIGHT?! Yeah! Let's get some decaf iced lattes and share our boy troublez! Slumber party!)

You put so much time into either chasing after potential hubbiez or trying to delude urself into thinking you're self-sufficient enough to survive on your own, that you lose sight of who YoU ReALLy aRe! ::sad face::

But luckily for all the desperately alone sadtime salamanders in the world [read as: me throughout all of high school and freshmen year of college] there is MySpace video dating services! Just look @ the gorge menz you could meet...


Aw! Didn't that just make your grundle perk up wiff attention?

Doesn't dat Superman cape just glisten with heroic pungency?! Muscle Man Central!

But don't get too aroused (you whores!), cuz it's probably a terrible idea to mate wiff Jake, considering he might have rabies and most DEFINITELY has herpes all over his balloon-rubbed bottom. But no worriez! You want children? Just push your gorgeously durable cabinet-house to the park and watch all the young onez frolic about. With a shot of imagination, they could be your kids!

And you'll never have to buy lipchapz ever again! Jakesaurus is already wearing your favo shade [feat. monster dog Helloween costume] [the October-Is-Nowhere-In-Sight Remix]!

Although, you might have to limit Jakeathon'z playtime wiff Morgan. I think he's gay, and what would da neighborz think?!

Really, JakeyBaby could be the man of your sueƱoz. Or he could be a lunatic and you'll end up diced to bitz like pepperonis in his freezer. So don't just sit there like a lumpy mound of salmonella-soaked cookie dough! Stand up & give loverboi Jakester a ring-a-ding!

9 comments:

Adam said...

Jake is the future Adam.

Cool 'toon ... reminds me of the early episodes of Home Movies that were drawn in squigglevision

Mikey said...

Jake is definitely a catch....for that person watching the video..

speaking of that person...was I the only one who thought that person's hands looked like a penis? I saw a vcr and a penis pushing the cassette in. And then at the end that person had two penises with which to dial...it was creepy

Jere Keys said...

Mikey - pervy minds think alike, because that's what I thought.

I should try video dating.

Tam said...

Um. Yeah, wow, penis hands.

But not every guy out there has a portable cupboard for a home. That's something special.

Polt said...

When it comes to slumber parties, I prefer the Blance Devereux model: "Let's rent an adult video, drink some mimosas and French kiss the pillows!"

HUGS...

john said...

And here I was starting to feel good about being single.

Michelle M. said...

Ah, I worked at a video dating service for a few years. We had a few Jakes pass through.

He does have a cute voice (positive), but I wouldn't know which eye to look at (negative). Good thing I'm married, I guess.

Justin said...

must ... slash ... wrists ... now ...

(Seriously, though, Josh -- "all of high school and freshman year" is the best you can do for "desperately alone sadtime"? Pffffft. Pffff*T*!!

David said...

I have a cabinet just like that.