Saturday, June 5, 2010

Hatez dis crap!

I am kind of a pain in da azz. There are a lot of everyday tingz that seem to have little to no effect on any other persona around me, that irritate my existence to an unbelievably frustrating extent, that when I come across one of deez much-hated things, I feel like I literally could punch a sad sea turtle in the puss. Please, enjoy the sources of mah unvalidated rage...


I've had a long-going battle wiff socks ever since I as a little tot. Mainly because they are uncomfortable and THEY SUCK. Not only do they always get lost in the wash, but just the act of slipping them onto my feetz gives me reason enough to hang mahself. So confining, it feels like my poor toes are in a sweaty cloth prison! A cocoon of inescapable hell!

When I was first learning how to get dressed, I hated how near the point of the sock there was the slightly bunched part where the fabric was sewed together. I inexplicably labeled these sock tumors, "Tooniez" and to this day, still hate feeling them rub against mah toes. Maybe my feet are just really dry, and that's why they feel scratchy whenever I put socks on, but I'm totez not spending $$$ on moitorizer, so for now, soxxxorz still suxxxorz!

Thingz Getting Between Me & Whoever I'm Walking With

So you're out for a walk wiff your best friend/lover/mom/dad/pimp and you're in the middle of a fantastico conversation about the tragically nostalgic metaphors in "White Houses" when a pole/trashcan/group of ugly yapping high school grrrlz/bus comez in your vicinity. And then, to your displeasure, the engaging and exciting connection you and your walking partner had get pushed to the ground and raped by one of these aforementioned hinderances coming between you. CONVERSATION OVER.

I HATE having shiz come between me and whoever I'm with and I try and make it a point to always stay to the same side as them. Maybe it's cuz I was an English major [feat. constantly try and find metaphorz EVERYWHERE in real life], but I find the symbolism of sumfing coming between you and your loved one to be very close to heart-breaking. Serial...::sniffle::...I'm this close to crying.


People tink I'm crazy and for good reason when they find out that not only do I detest the word for "stomach" that ryhmes wiff "Kelly," but that I absolutely refuse to say it. Mah hatred for dis werd probably stemmed back from when I was a child and I hated to take mi camiseta off. My life is frrrealz an insecurity factory, so I would NEVER be seen shirtless in public.

Because of mah anti-toplessness, I grew to fear the B-word like the muthafuzzing plague. So gross! When I hear it, it makes me think of parents motorboating [feat. spit everywhere] the living shit outta their baby's abdomen and/or swollen, terrifying shirtless Sandy Clawz rapistz [see: above]. SICK NASTY!


Let's first all acknowledge how monstrously frightening the very top/bottom of the escalator is, where the stairs get sucked back into the floor and there are those scary teeth that I always launch mahself over to avoid getting my zapato laces trapped in. I know I can't be the only person out there that crapped their trouserz last week as a child whenever they reached the bottom of the escalator! I'm positive they kill people!

But aside from being murdered by them, what REALLY annoys me about these motorized machines is how it promotes people to be even LAZZZIER than they already are. Escalators aren't like elevators that shoot ur azz up flights and flights of steps...they take you short distances that you could easily walk yourself. And I get it...some peepz are old or disabled and it helps them get around...and that's fine!

But unless you're about to kick the bucket or are missing a limb or sumfing, than get your high fructose corn nalgaz off the automated people mover and start climbing a flight of steps. I'm not Mr. Body-Builder Ejercicio Machine, but I always take the stairs (or walk on the escalators if there isn't an option), cuz the last thing I'd ever want in mah life is to have lardy butter chopz as thighs.

When Fitted Bedding Comes Undone

This is manoz-down the worst thing in dis herre entry. I would seriously ratha sleep on a stained, pee-drenched piece of cardboard than sleep in an uber-comfy bed that has a fitted sheet that has risen up over the mattress. This anxiety also branchez off of mah artarded childhood and how there were times I'd kick around in my sleep and get my feetiez tangled in fitted sheet that werked their way out from unda the mattress. I woke up thinking I lost control of mah legs!

To dis day (and peepz who have shared a bed conmigo can vouch for dis), I loathe getting into a cama that isn't properly tucked in with it's beddings. And if I wake up in the middle of the night, and the fitted sheeterz have gotten effed up, I will have to get outta bed punch David until he stands up, and remake the whole damn thing in order to get back to sleep.

So am I quite possibly the most obnox person you've ever met? Don't say a word...your silence says enufz.


Mel said...

1) You know with the socks I made you that I used the technique least likely to leave bumps or ridges on the inside?

D) My baby brother's name is Kelly, and he has quite an ample b_lly. In fact, it poked out a good bit even as a kid when he was still skinny (which he is most def not these days) - so much so that we used to call him Kelly B_lly.

#) And I may have nowhere near your level of issues, but I'm with you on the sheets. Feets tangled up - or worse, sticking out and cold - will make me serial crazy.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Dat's why I LURRRVE you! The sockz you made me are the only pair I can wear and not hate my life in! NO BUMPS! COMFY!

Tam said...

You can buy seamless socks for people who have sensitivity issues. Mostly for kids and old people with diabetes who can get foot sores leading to mega amputation, but I'm sure you could buy them too. On-line somewhere.

Super long escalators freak me out. Like the ones that go 4 floors. When I lived in Prague I swear my metro stop was the lowest one in the whole damn city and it was just this escalator in a tube going FOREVER. Used to give me the heebie jeebies.

And I don't blame you about the sheet. How could you sleep with a sheet all wadded up underneath you. Gross. And you'd wake up with lines all over your body. I have a good sheet know that never comes off, but then I'm a still sleeper, mostly I can just slip out of bed in the morning and straighten the blanket and you'd never know I was there. What annoys the hell out of me is in hotels when you pull back the blankets and it pulls the bottom sheet loose (they don't use fitted) so unless I go to the trouble of walking around the bed and tucking it all in again (Isn't that why I pay for maid service) you risk it bunching up and pissing me off to no end. Hmmm. I guess sheet issues are not so rare.

Michelle M. said...

I hate the sheet thing. Drives me nuts.
I turn the socks I sleep in (sexy!) inside out so I don't have to feel that ridge.
So, do you eat those Jellybeans with the B word in their name?
Movie escalator death:
There was an escalator strangling death in the movie The Kiss as well.

john said...

I move a lot in my sleep and I hate when the sheets come untucked. Luckily, with the new mattress, I haven't had to deal with that.

I'm not a huge fan of socks, but never wear shoes without them. I only put them on in the house when it gets super cold. As soon as it gets warm enough, off the come and bare foot as much as possible.

I hate nickles. They are too big and not worth enough. I also hate coat hangers. They breed like rabbits and you can never pull just a single one out. You go to get one and 5 come out and try to escape. My irrational hatreds pretty much end there.

Ryan said...

I went about a year without wearing socks (with only a short break when visiting MN in winter). Presently, I wear them more often than not.

I've gotten a little freaked out over escalators at times, but I mostly don't mind them. However, I do prefer to climb with the escalator rather than just standing there.

While I prefer tucked sheets, I don't freak out when they come untucked. I definitely wouldn't prefer pee-soaked cardboard over them.

ADAM! said...

If given the option, I'd usually take the stairs, but I do love a good escalator! Elevators freak me out.

I hate when the fitted sheet comes off, but I hate if anything else is tucked in when I sleep. My legs & feet need to be free!

What about Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers movies? "Git Intah Mah Belllllaaaayyy!"

I've long said that all wires should be buried in the ground because telephone poles and wires are ugly. We should start a crusade against them!

Socks ... meh ... who cares? :)

David said...


Welcome to my life, folks.

callonmevalerie said...

Every thing you've posted on is something that irritates me or someone I've talked to.

Remember Scotty? Scotty absolutely hated the sound of socks being put on feet. Sounds batshit, but I guess it's the stretching of the fabric over dry skin. I always, always think about that when I put on socks.

My friend Spencer hates escalators, for pretty much the same reason. His response: "I have legs for a reason." When it comes to getting to where I need fastest, I like walking fast up the escalators. Nothing pisses me off more then when the person in front of you stands, especially when they get on right before you and there's nobody else on there. FUCKING WALK UP THE ESCALATOR, YOU LAZY ASSHOLE!

The linen on the right side of my bed always wants to creep up, and I pee myself in anger whenever it tries to attack me and not stay on the mattress. Bitch please, you have one job to do. DO IT!

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE walking with people and things getting in my way. It's annoying when it's a stop sign or something, but it's really fucking annoying when it's other people, because YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO MOVE, you have EYES, you can see me coming, so fuck the hell off and move, you dumb bitch! It's the people who are walking towards you and can see you and don't move that I just end up saying "oh, okay" sarcastically while I roll my eyes, so that they know that they're an asshole (and that I'm not at all rude and am the pinnacle of perfection).

I'm more perturbed by that picture of the fat man than of the word itself.

Milo said...

Agree with most of your pet peeves but not socks! I think socks should be mandatory, no matter how coarse or uncomfortable, because:

Men's feet, in particular, make me squirm and gag: the mottled colouring, the sparse hair, the little toe that has been crushed into the one next to it over the years so that it has turned and bent and cuddles up against it now, sadly, as if trying to spoon an unwilling lover, the yellowed, cracked toenails, and the fully blackened one on the right biggy from toe-punting a goalpost 14 years ago. How can bringing these out in public be considered acceptable?

Feet should remain hidden. Always. And socks happen to be bloody great at doing that!

that's J-O-S-H said...

Tam: Whenever I sleep in hotelz, I can't help but feel like, as a sick joke, the maids skipped mah room and left the jizz-soaked sheets on my bed. I mean...they're always soooo STIFF when I stay there! ::barf mania::

Michelle: I can't sleep in socks. I did once, and when I woke up, my entire foot was sweaty and burning! Wearing socks to bed = mah feetz getting dragged to hell, apparntly.

John: Coat hangers really are an invention of the devil. Whenever I pull one out [read as: pull out a twisted chain of them] I get so aggravated that I just chuck them to the floor and cover the wiff shoes so I can ignore their existence.

Ryan: I LOVE skipping every other step when I climb stairs/escalators. Gives the thighs a nice, healthy stretch!

Adam: I hate Austin Powers mainly because it made that WORD so popular to say in that annoying Scottish accent. THAT and the movies are absolutely NOT funny in anyway.

David: Pish...fine, go date someone boring. You'll miss me forcing you to watch music videos you have no interest in soon enough.

Val: I HATE when people don't walk up the escalator and then won't all move to one side so the non-lazzziez behind them can walk up next to them. There really should be designated aisles in escalators for those that want to scale them and those that are slothful, fat worthless pigs who just want to sit and let a machine exercise for them.

Milo: While I agree wiff you about disliking the gross spider leg-hairs that come out of guys' toes, I must admit that a defined Achilles heel and a veiny foot is quite attractive. Don't worry, I'm not one of those freaks that have a foot fetish.

Tam said...

I think you and I stay at a different class of hotel sweetie. I just don't understand why they can't use fitted sheets like the rest of humanity.

I'm with Milo on feet. Men or women, I find feet necessary but replusive.

Lora said...

um yeah, none of this seems obnoxious at all, because you've pretty much described my life except I take issue with T*MMY and have no problem with the word B*LLY, except that they made some sort of blaxploitation film (or something, I didn't see it) with the same name and that was annoying.

Not that I have a problem with black cinema. Just dumb titles.

mikey said...

why is it that science can smash atoms and send men to the moon, but they can not make sheets that stay on beds? I feel like that would be enough to earn a nobel prize.

Melody, Destroyer of Dreams said...

Don't even get me started on people who do not walk up and down the escalator. This is a real problem in the city. Seriously-WTF-move the hell over if you're not going to walk. It is SO simple and maybe-just maybe-if your fat worthless ass moves 7 inches to the right so that my skinny ass can squeeze past I might just make the next bus back to the glorious bower of trees, birds, and grass I call Old Bridge, NJ-leaving the scum bucket of filth and humanity that is Time Square far behind me for a beautiful 13 hours. NOW MOVE!