Saturday, June 12, 2010

10 Rando Tingz

I haven't done a 10 Rando Tingz recently, mainly because no one givez a fart about mah blog anymo' mi vida has been mad borrrringz and I've had nuffin' interesante to share wiff you and your beautiful sooooouuulz! But within the past few monthz, I've secured ten snapshots I think would be acceptable filler to eat up a post could make for an engaging and photographically inspiring entry. Let da slideshow begin...NOW:

Remember when Pamela Anderson was a scentologist (or whatever the fuck they call people that test make up smells)? I don't either! But apparently she was knowledgeable enough a few monthz ago to paste her mug on some boxes come up with an absolutely derrrriciouz bottle of odor spray [feat. sold 50% off in the back of your local CVS]! It's called Malibu so the Florida hookerz that use it remember what city they're in. Not only do the bottles look like Ring-Popz but it smells like HEAVEN [read as: sweaty thighs, Crystal Palace Vodka and dollar store potpourri]. It's the purrrrfect aroma to juice your puss wiff after your vaginal reconstruction surgery.

One day a few weekz ago, I was walking through Port Authority and I was stalked and I saw an advertisement for some seedy and gross eatery that pimped out hot wienerz baked in dough as if such a concocktion had never been farted out before. What's wiff da heavenly glow? Is this a subliminal message? Like, if you eat dis crap, your arteries will instantly freeze and leave you heart attacking all ova da place? And unexplained mystery yellow sauce? That better be melty Velveeta and not mostazo! If you're gonna do fat, do it frrrealz.

A) I lurrrve gatoz; B) Enricoz has given mah baby Baberz all sortz of pimpage on his blog; C) I have a fascination with the childhood terror toyz known as Trolls. So therefor I just had to irrationally irritate Polt & Jere let all of your peeperz take a gander at the cutest pictura I've taken in mah entire life. Even though he's still a babaloooon, Solomon is already in a committed relationship! His daddy must be teaching him well about the values of lurrrve! Upon visiting E. Copterz @ his new apartemento in Lambertville, I came across these two lovey birdz frenching and spooning in da kitchen [read as: I shoved the ugly doll up under the kitty's limbz, hence waking him up from his pleasant catnap]. CUTE.

Throughout the subways on Nueva York, there are these little statues all strewn about to, I guess, try and make the grimy, rat-filled, piss-reeking underground asshole of the city a little more aDorAbLe. But whoever put dis scene @ one of the waiting stations is a sick, sick person [aka mah new best friend]. A still-life reenactment of Drag Me To Hell while I wait for the train and contemplate mah own existence? YES PLEAZZZ!

Since only one wiener reference per entry won't pacify certain bloggytime readerz, I just had to post a photo of dis carrot that I found @ the restaurant earlier dis año. Didjooo know that zanahorias are an excellent source of vitamin A, which can help prevent issuez involving the eyes and sight?! Also, a semi-regular diet of carrotz can help keep you safe from tonsillitis AND constipation?!?! WOWZA! I learn sumfing new every day! Tanx Wikipedia!

Now to be fair to all the straight d00dz & lesbananaz that read Josh Is Trashy (there HAS to be some of you out there!), I thought I'd share a bagina-focused food item. In a previouz entry, I blessed/introduced all you hoz to the magnificent Dick Chicken. Now his glorious wife, Pussy Ham, has surfaced to share her booty wiff da world. Just a quick glimpse of her honey-glazed hymen, and I am pondering switching sides. TASTY! (?)

Atta first look, my initial thought was "Oh wow. Another unnecessary and sure-to-fail hospital-based rom-com! And on USA of all places! Perfect!" Then I read the graffiti. FUNNY! But...I don't really get it. The MTA employeez just sit in those holding tanks all day, get harrassed by homelesserz and snarl. I never see anyone ever actually interact respectively or smile @ them. Maybe if peepz were nicer to them and brought dem flowaz or sumfing, then maybe they'd be more willing to help dumbo touristz find the right trains!

A month or so ago, I offered to help the restaurante with a catering event they were doing @ some topiary garden bullshit luncheon for old women wiff nuffin' better to do (bitchez, don't you got some cookiez to bake and ugly sweaters to buy for your great grandchildren?!). For those who don't know, a "topiary" is the pretentious way of saying "ugly bushez hacked up to look like animalz." They always look like ass and unless they're done by Edward Scissorhands, then I want no part of them. Imagine my distress when I was trying to find an isolated place I could hide and text putting away supplies, when I stumbled into an old barn and was greated wiff a huge, brown, rotting giraffe. Get the chocolate fuzz away from me you mutant piece of flora crap!

This was posted on a blank piece of white paper on a column at the subway platform by mah jerb. Now I'm all for cheesy bouts of encouragement bundled and delivered to me whenever I've had a douchetastico day [see: my obsession with "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus], but FUCK OFF subway graffiti. Everything won't be alright if while distracted by your fuckface smiley, I trip and fall onto the train tracks a foot to my right and get splattered to piecez via locomotion! Butthole.

So we all know my stance on escalators, but elevatorz are another ballgame for me. The office I work in is on the 16th floor of my building, and I don't even consume enough calories in a day to equal how much I would burn walking all the way up there. So duh I take the elevator.

And my favorite game is to judge peepz based on their decision to either press the "Door Open" or "Door Close" button when they see someone running to get in before it closes. As the picture above demonstratez [feat. worn-out "Close" button vs. legible "Open" button], people are largely dicks. As for mahself, I like to push neither and just see if the peepz can make it to the door in time based on their own athletic efforts. Get some hustle into your step, tubbo, I ain't holding no doorz for no muthafuzzer!


Milo said...

Liking the photo blog post!

That hot dog bun thing looks REVOLTING by the way. Seriously grim! It actually looks like... well, something else.

Tam said...

Pigs in blankets baby. Didn't your Momma make those for you as a child? You were deprived and the Poppin' Fresh Dough Boy is hurt.

Interesting pics. I love that artwork and Mr. Carrot. I try to press the door open button but I swear to god there is some kind of unseen force that draws your finger to the wrong button and then your panic more because now you've basically slammed the door in their face. Arrggghhh. I think moving immediately to the back corner FAR from the button is probably the best strategy, then you are no longer responsible.

john said...

Pam Anderson: Eww, this is what happens when plastic surgery happens to pretty girls.

Hot dog travesties, hungand pussy ham, all in one post?! Scandalous!

That Solomon is a cute kitty, but is still a kitty and is therefore evil.

I kind of want the subway alligator sculpture.

Which button I press depends on the person I see coming toward the elevator.

adam mcadamton said...

You could sing the phone book and i'd love you to bitz.

Michelle M. said...

And after the hot dogs, it's dessert time!

That carrot would be great for the "looks like a penis" site:

Solomon's a cutie. Love the elevator picture.

Delisa said...

Leave Pamela alone. She needs a source of income since she's too old for porn.

I like all the subways pictures. Only in NY I guess...

I'm generally a nice person so I would push the open button if someone was rushing but I think people are usually impatient and feel that pushing the close button a thousand times will make the elevator go faster.

anne marie in philly said...

pussyham - LOL

the carrot - LOL

pam anderson - washed up old pussy

solomon - cute pussy!

that is all; carry on...

PS - word is "ellybo", y'know, that thing in the middle of your armybo...

David said...

I love the subway sculptures.

I would wear out the Close Door button more than the Open Door button but only because most elevators just sit open for DAYZ while you wait. I never close the door in someone's face. Unless they are ugly.

I think topiary is cool. Unless it's rotting.


I remember when you took that pic of Pamela. Good times.

Polt said...

Ya know, I WAS going to comment on how cute the kitty photo was....until you reveal that you just posed the damn thing by showing that troll there. And then I felt robbed.

But hey, it's not like I didn't put my glasses or my work vest, or a tie on my dog years ago and take her photo, so who am i to judge.


that's J-O-S-H said...

Milo: And they had that poster hanging up EVERYWHERE in the bus terminal...yeah, like I really want to see that greasy meat schlong everywhere I look! Ugh...sick!

Tam: EXACTLY! I avoid people judging me on my elevator etiquette the same way I judge them, I just hunker down and wait for someone else to do the decision-making.

John: P. Anderson used to be soooo pretty! I still think her face is gorgeous (when she's not making ho facez). I miss Baywatch Pam. She was mah favo character!

Adam: Don't put idearz in mah head!

Michelle: Like Twinkies aren't already the most dizzzzgusting shit in the they're filled wiff ooze. Great...

Delisa: Seriously...peepz think that if they jackhammer the button with their fingaz then it will suddenly make everything go ten timez faster.

Anne: I don't tink dis blog has ever seen so much pussy before!

David: But you just CAN'T like topiary. I don't want to date a dusty old fat lady!

Polt: Let's put all our cardz out on the mesa. One of the main reasonz peepz have pets is so we can dress them up in dumbo costumez and pose them into comical scenarios that we can post on Facebook. For troofz.

Anonymous said...

You crack me up.

hoteltuesday said...


And Solomon loves that troll. I caught them cuddling again the other day. No humping though, of course!

And I loooove that Drag Me to Hell statue in the subway! Cute!