Wednesday, June 30, 2010

My Musical ABCs - B!

Huzzah! I feel like my first installment of My Musical ABCs was mildly successful [feat. 18 comments!], so I am goin' to continue on dis week. Share your favo songz that begin wiff da letter B!

"Black Balloon" by the Goo Goo Dolls

"I saw the world spin beneath you."

I'm sure we all remember that first band that we heard on the radio and thought, "ThEy iZ mAh FaVorIto!" Then you go out and buy all their recordz/tapez (or if you were me, sit by the stereo and wait to record their songs on a blank cassette when they came on the weekly countdown show). You went to see them in concert and swore to yourself that you'd never be the same. You used to lie in bed and day dream about singing their songz to grrrlz you had crushez on in middle school, before realizing you like da p33n machine.

...Well, that group for me was the Goo Goo Dolls! Now, everyone is alwayz like, "I LoOoOvE the Goo Goo Dolls" when they actually mean "I LoOoOvE that song "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls from the City Of Angels soundtrack." But for serial, as great of a song "Iris" is...the majority of the rest of their catalog pales it in comparrision. And for proof I give you "Black Balloon."

My obsession wiff dis song transcended simply loving the hell out of it. Twas tanx to dis track that when I was a teenager (I feel so old!) that I started creating my own Billboard charts based on what my top 50 songs were. And I updated dis shit every week and included each songs chart position, peak and weekz logged. And for no reason. And "Black Balloon" was in the #1 spot for the entirety of the chart (which lasted about an año).

This song also marks the first time I ever fell in LURRRVE with a guitar-part [see: the opening bum-bum-bumbumbum-bum part]. The lyrix were way too complex for my dumbo head to figure out, but now that I'm older I appreciate how TRAGIC they really are. And the video is one of mah FAVOZ of all time (I think dis shot is BRILLZ).

Manoz-down, this song goes into my music hall o' fame.

"Back 2 Good" by Matchbox Twenty
"Bathwater" by No Doubt
"Brick By Brick" by Katy Perry
"Bring It All To Me" by Blaque

Monday, June 28, 2010

My Monday Muse

[Can you guyz believe that it's time once again for you all to feign interest in the democratic workingz of mah blog?! Yep, you are now ORDERED to vote for the Monday Muse of June 2010! Thunderclap your way to the bottom of dis herre entry and pick your favo Muse of this oh so sweatastic month!]

Awesome Toyz

Although I've discussed the overwhelming seal of approval that I've stamped on Toy Story 3 elsewhere online, I just want to say that it is one of the best moviez I've seen in a loooooooong time and if you haven't seen it then you better get your rumpz off to the theater and prepare to cry your ojoz out!

In honor of this fantastic conclusion to a ground-breaking trilogy, I thought I'd highlight some toyz that I wish I was lucky enough to play wiff when I was prepubescent!

Apocalypse Pony

Yay! I love being punished for all mah wrong-doingz and immoral axxxtionz [see: the drunken & depraved Friday/Saturday nightz I spent in college]! There's nuffin' better than being condemned for your terrible sintastico decisionz while playing wiff adorable equestrian statuettes! I was visited by Pestilence Pony before I was even alive since I was born wiff pnemonia! And I chillax wiff Famine Pony EVERY DAY since I don't have dinero to buy food! You really gotta catch dem all! They're just like Pokémon only instead of becoming world famous for collecting them, you get your azz toasted!

The Slide

I didn't see anyting wrong wiff dis video, but apparently peepz [aka YouTube commenterz] are bugging-a-boo about it! Sure, the slide is shaped like a giant beef schtick, but I find it to be quite educational! What better way to show kidz where babiez are brewed up than to let them relive the experience firsthand! Daddy!

Extra Amazing Amanda

CUTE! Part of me wishez that I was born a lady so I could get pregnant when I was 15, no matter what my mama sayz! would be able to play wiff girie baby dollz as incrediskatez as Extra Amazing Amanda! I didn't know what vodka was till I was 18! Look @ all those yearz I was missing out! That plastic know-it-all KB Toy geniuz is an exxxpert on eating disorderz (hooray for staying thin) and knowz all mah favo songz (I wish Lindsay Lohan would do a cover of "Daddy," a surefire #1)! But nooOoOoOOO! Us boiz just get st00pid G.I. Joe figurinez that are made for fighting, NOT for gozziping over imaginary lattes! SNORE!


Who is your Monday Muse of June 2010?!

Jackie Beat?
or this week's Awesome Toyz?

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Once you log-in with us...

So summertime [feat. the living is easy] is here, which not only meanz downing a tidal wave's worth of Fla.Vor.Ice, going to nude beachez and saying your name is Rich to girls that look like they're from Abercrombie & Fitch, it's also when a plethora of fun/goofy/campy party songz infiltrate the radio airwaves wiff their hypnotic beats and addictive lyrix! And this year's summer song is undoubtedly "California Gurls" by Katy Perry [feat. Snoop Dogg]. It's been the number uno song in America for three weeks now and has a "Fergalicious"- inspired Candy Land-inspired music video brimming with sweets and whipped cream boobiez and evil Gummi Bears!

And what happens when a song pierces the radio stratosphere and becomez a massive hit? It tunnels into our brains like a lobotomy where it plays on repeat for weeks on end Countless YouTube parodies pop up! And I think all of us bloggy nerdz can appreciate dis reworking of the track that feels custom-made for us! Please partake of "California Dorks":

Okay, so I don't know shit about Star Wars and Disneyland gives me infinity headachez, but dis is still mah current theme song! The ode to old skool Nintendo in the bridge won mah heart over! Super Mario Bros, Legend of Zelda, Mega Man, Donkey Kong and Castlevania all name-dropped in ten secondz?! SWOOOON!

Now if the song also referenced some of mah other nerdities [I.E. mah childhood obsession with Sailor Moon and the fact that I'd rather blog about doing schtuff than actually doing schtuff], it would become my life anthem!

And P to da S, I think the pale, scrawny singa [feat. facial scruff and big schnoz] is 10x cuter than the Teriyaki-toned lifeguard on the beach!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Painted mermaids on parade!

Look @ all the vundervill thingz Nueva York has bestowed upon me and my (former) boring life: A fabo jerb I love...some great new friendz...many a drunken night full o' debauchery. So fun! And dis weekend just further cemented my love of this state and all it has to offer! And that's because last Saturday, Duhvid y yo shuffled our nalgaz onto the subway and in under thirty minutoz, we were in Coney Island!

We laid about on the beach and got burnt to shit tan, caught up on some very necessary relaxation and then ate crappy foodz courtesy of the grossest boardwalk slop trough I've ever encountered. But none of that measures to anything in comparison to what we did the second half of the day...TWO FUCKING WORDS: Mermaid Parade!

Hellz to da burping yeahz! It was the annual Mermaid Extravaganza Whore March and Duhvid & I made sure we had great seats to catch all the festivities! However, unlike other paradez where participants attempt to look polished and serious and self-righteous [think Lady GaGogglez], the Mermaid Extravaganza Whore March was a trashy mess that owned it's campiness and was filled with surprises [think John Waters' peliculaz].

And I took [read as: Duhvid took] a million and a half photoz! But instead of boring you with shotz of every last freak, I thought I'd share with all you beautiful blogarooniez...

My 10 Favo Things @ the 2010 Coney Island Mermaid Extravaganza Whore March!

The First Mermaid

Not including the honorary merfolk king and queen of the parade, Lou Reed & Laurie Anderson, this fuzzy pink dinosaur mess of a woman was the primero sea creature to be wheeled into the parade. I had to double-take when I first saw this glorious being, cuz I could have sworn to Jeebuz that the ghost of Mrs. Slocombe had risen from the grave, hijacked the moon and then graced our undeserving ojoz with her presence!

The Fat Dreamgirls

Deez gorgeous (albeit chunktastico) cholitaz captured mi corazon when they danced [read as: waddle, spin, wave, repeat] down the parade route. Not only did they serial have the most beautiful outfits of the entire parade, but they instantly reminded me of my mah favorite R&B trio of all time, only all of them were Jennifer Hudson-sized!

Bicycle Fish

A combination of two thingz that plagued my childhood wiff thoughts of inadequacy! I tried learning to ride a bike when I was a tot, but that blew up in smoke (or should I say blew up in bark?) when I crashed into a tree. I also was terrified of drowning, so I didn't learn to swim till I was prox 13! Yeah...yeah...SoOoOoOoO wEiRd! Whatever. Now only if I had one of deez slick ridez, I might be able to finally master both activities!

Mr. Fire Hydrant

Yeah...this get-up is totally stretching the water motif to a severe breaking point, but I dig the Devo-esque hat and the citrus coloring! Makez me wish I had the gutz to vandalize public property in the summer and smash onto hydrantz with wrenchez to open them up in a waterfall of heat-slicing H20 like they do in the movies.

The Pole-Dancer

A little ova a year ago, Miley Cyrus performed her future smash hit "Party In the U.S.A." live @ some stupid kid award show. For like, 30 seconds, she rode an ice cream cart around on stage and held onto a pole for balance. The web erupted with liez about how she pole-danced and blah blah blah. All those gozzip folkz should have seen this gringa beauty above if they wanted to know was real Showgirling pole-dancing looks like. Family fun!

Waffle Grrrl

Joy to the world, / All the boys and girls. / Joy to the breakfast (?) in the deep blue sea, / Joy to you and me!

Dead Hooker Puppet

Dreadlox? Giantism? A Smurf complexion? Ke$ha make-up? Is this a float decoration or the much-anticipated demon that will finally drag me to HELL?! (I prayed it was the latter, alas, twas the former.)

Art Freaks

In order to spare my mind the agony of trying to navigate the non-existent correlation lines between Andy Warhol and fictitious marine life, I have rationalized that this brief homage to one of art history's oddest heroez is supposed to play into the fact that The Velvet Undergound [feat. Lou Reed] used a piece of Warhol's for an album cover of theirs. Yeah...

Whatever the Hell This Is

Like some sort of volcanic, techno butterfly, the creature above drunkenly sloshed her way down the street, gyrating and butt-grinding and handbanging like it's going outta style. Her elegant wingz whipped through the air with every crack of her neck. Her inebriated lunging really was sumfing to be admired. Think Lindsay Lohan meets Mothra. Now where the fudge is Godzilla [feat. set & ready electronic drug anklet]?!

The Last Beautiful Girl

So grrrlfriend here might not seem very special and she's not but oh how you're wrong! Blondie here [feat. bikini on top] delicately waltzed near the end of the parade, by herself, stopping every ten secondz to have her puss snapshotted by some rando photographer. Her dedication to her own fame, even when walking half-nakie down a street by lonesome, wiff thousandz of critical peeperz pondering your very reason for existing, is quite inspiring. It is because of her that I am hiring a clan of paparazzi to follow my taint around wherever I go. I. WILL. BE. FAMOSO!

Monday, June 21, 2010

My Monday Muse


I HATE getting into trouble! When I was in high school, I never once received a detention and rarely ever had to be disciplined by mah teachers. I never gave mis padrez (too much) stress and whenever I got into tiftz con mis amigos, I alwayz had to address the issuez flat-out. If I didn't, I would get this nagging pain in my stomach that was a steaming mixture of anxiety, guilt and sadness! So that's why I completely understand the plight on dis week'z Monday Muse!

Long story short, dis shorty below is trying to get into some sorority and to make everyone happy or sumfing, she decides to play weather announcer and make it snow. She stealz a fire extinguisher, jackz it off until it creamz all over the place, which then setz off the alarms and everyone wakes up and hatez her.

Then she runs outside into a car with her friend, and this is where the video pickz up...

Aside from her strangled bird voice and melting wax face, I tink that Elyse is a rational and productive member of society! I mean...what did she really do wrong?! Wasted a valuable piece of protective equipment? Damaged the building she lived in? Pissed off a league of vicious sorority cholitaz? Shit out a mess that even that Brady Bunch slave Alice wouldn't be able to clean up?

Sure, but who givez a fudge?! She was merely trying to bring some Christmas Magic to everyone's drunkenly vapid whorelivez!

If anyone is to blame, it should be her father. He did it before and she just wanted to follow in his brain-dead footstepz!! Like father, like dumbo idiot bitch daughter!

But let's not blame anyone. Let's instead learn from this informative life lesson. People do bad things every day...and it's alright as long as you don't meeeeeeeeeeeean to [feat. frozen gaping mouth facial expression]! Keep crying, dearest Elyse, it brings the pretty out in you!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Daddy dear, you know you're still #1!

Dad with a studmuffin mustache. Me in a diaper.

So today is the dia de los padres! Dat meanz we're all supposed to tell our papas how much we lurrrve them and how grateful we are for their p33nz [feat. libido] when they got all funkytown wiff our mamas back @ our conception.

My father still can make me laugh harder than nearly anyone else in the mundo [feat. inappropriate and cusstastico storiez] and it's largely from him that I received such a hilariously vulgar an educated and advanced way of speaking.

I hope you spend your father's day with or remembering your favo things about you padrez! In a short bit, I'ma be driving on over to mah parent's house where I'll inhale a shitload of derrrriciouz comida that my dad expertly whipped up and talk about the wonder yearz of playing Dr. Mario, eating never-ending chainz of Fla-Vor-Ice, blatantly critiquing the nasty broadz that frequent the Seaside Heights boardwalk and talking about how impressively cinematic Britney Spears' "Lucky" music video is!

I leave you with a video of my favo dad in the world (aside from my own!):

So what are your fondest memoriez with your father?!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

My Musical ABCs - A!

In an attempt to continue mah streak of decreasing my comment numero get me and mah beautifully eclectic and intelligent bloggy readerz chatterboxing wiff one another, I thought I'd play a little musical ABC game! I found myself looking at my iTunes Windows Media Player and organizing my entire music catalog alphabetically by song. It got me tinking, that out of every song I've ever heard, what's mah favo track that beginz wiff each letter of the alphabet? FUN IDEA RIGHT? (...right?!)

So here's how it goes, I will do one letter an entry and reflect on what my personal favo songs are. Then y'all can post ur preferences and we can all discuss how awesome our respective tastes in musica are! (Here'z to wishful tinking!)

I even got mah childhood clan of educational tomfoolery, The Letter People, to join in on the fun and aid you all if you forget how da alphabet works! Now let's get started!

"All Things Ordinary" by The Anniversary

"Between the two of us, we're strong enough. I feel that in your touch."

Yeah...I couldn't have started off wiff a more isolating tune, could I? I'm positive none of you cholitoz y gringaz out there have ever even heard of The Anniversary, and I don't blame you! I wouldn't have known about them if I didn't become absolutely obsessed with the now classic EmoGame [feat. neglecting my mountainz of college homewerkz].

You basically play as a bunch of famo emo artists and go about saving the world from evil baddiez [IE: Courtney Love, frat guyz and Steven Tyler]. The game is pretty rad and it definitely keeps the genre in check, cuz serial, every st00pid music n00b in the world namedropz the word "emo" wiffout any fuzzing clue as to where it actually came from or what it actually means.

But anyway, even though you fight The Anniversary in one of the levelz, their music is played in the background throughout certain stages, and that's where I first heard of them. Their song "All Things Ordinary" is a synth-soaring, harmonic rockathon anthem! I LOOOOOOVE the grrrl in the group especially! Her voice so cute!

Alarm Call" by Björk
"All At Sea" by Jamie Cullum
"Anthems for a Seventeen Year-Old Girl" by
Broke Social Scene
"Autobiography" by Ashlee Simpson

Monday, June 14, 2010

My Monday Muse


I know...being single can be the pits! You bounce around from guy to guy, tinking that one day the secretive hooking up will stop and you both can finally declare your undying less-than-3z for each other, only to have them beef in your face the second the word "commitment" is mentioned. (Am I right grrrlz? Am I RIGHT?! Yeah! Let's get some decaf iced lattes and share our boy troublez! Slumber party!)

You put so much time into either chasing after potential hubbiez or trying to delude urself into thinking you're self-sufficient enough to survive on your own, that you lose sight of who YoU ReALLy aRe! ::sad face::

But luckily for all the desperately alone sadtime salamanders in the world [read as: me throughout all of high school and freshmen year of college] there is MySpace video dating services! Just look @ the gorge menz you could meet...

Aw! Didn't that just make your grundle perk up wiff attention?

Doesn't dat Superman cape just glisten with heroic pungency?! Muscle Man Central!

But don't get too aroused (you whores!), cuz it's probably a terrible idea to mate wiff Jake, considering he might have rabies and most DEFINITELY has herpes all over his balloon-rubbed bottom. But no worriez! You want children? Just push your gorgeously durable cabinet-house to the park and watch all the young onez frolic about. With a shot of imagination, they could be your kids!

And you'll never have to buy lipchapz ever again! Jakesaurus is already wearing your favo shade [feat. monster dog Helloween costume] [the October-Is-Nowhere-In-Sight Remix]!

Although, you might have to limit Jakeathon'z playtime wiff Morgan. I think he's gay, and what would da neighborz think?!

Really, JakeyBaby could be the man of your sueñoz. Or he could be a lunatic and you'll end up diced to bitz like pepperonis in his freezer. So don't just sit there like a lumpy mound of salmonella-soaked cookie dough! Stand up & give loverboi Jakester a ring-a-ding!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

10 Rando Tingz

I haven't done a 10 Rando Tingz recently, mainly because no one givez a fart about mah blog anymo' mi vida has been mad borrrringz and I've had nuffin' interesante to share wiff you and your beautiful sooooouuulz! But within the past few monthz, I've secured ten snapshots I think would be acceptable filler to eat up a post could make for an engaging and photographically inspiring entry. Let da slideshow begin...NOW:

Remember when Pamela Anderson was a scentologist (or whatever the fuck they call people that test make up smells)? I don't either! But apparently she was knowledgeable enough a few monthz ago to paste her mug on some boxes come up with an absolutely derrrriciouz bottle of odor spray [feat. sold 50% off in the back of your local CVS]! It's called Malibu so the Florida hookerz that use it remember what city they're in. Not only do the bottles look like Ring-Popz but it smells like HEAVEN [read as: sweaty thighs, Crystal Palace Vodka and dollar store potpourri]. It's the purrrrfect aroma to juice your puss wiff after your vaginal reconstruction surgery.

One day a few weekz ago, I was walking through Port Authority and I was stalked and I saw an advertisement for some seedy and gross eatery that pimped out hot wienerz baked in dough as if such a concocktion had never been farted out before. What's wiff da heavenly glow? Is this a subliminal message? Like, if you eat dis crap, your arteries will instantly freeze and leave you heart attacking all ova da place? And unexplained mystery yellow sauce? That better be melty Velveeta and not mostazo! If you're gonna do fat, do it frrrealz.

A) I lurrrve gatoz; B) Enricoz has given mah baby Baberz all sortz of pimpage on his blog; C) I have a fascination with the childhood terror toyz known as Trolls. So therefor I just had to irrationally irritate Polt & Jere let all of your peeperz take a gander at the cutest pictura I've taken in mah entire life. Even though he's still a babaloooon, Solomon is already in a committed relationship! His daddy must be teaching him well about the values of lurrrve! Upon visiting E. Copterz @ his new apartemento in Lambertville, I came across these two lovey birdz frenching and spooning in da kitchen [read as: I shoved the ugly doll up under the kitty's limbz, hence waking him up from his pleasant catnap]. CUTE.

Throughout the subways on Nueva York, there are these little statues all strewn about to, I guess, try and make the grimy, rat-filled, piss-reeking underground asshole of the city a little more aDorAbLe. But whoever put dis scene @ one of the waiting stations is a sick, sick person [aka mah new best friend]. A still-life reenactment of Drag Me To Hell while I wait for the train and contemplate mah own existence? YES PLEAZZZ!

Since only one wiener reference per entry won't pacify certain bloggytime readerz, I just had to post a photo of dis carrot that I found @ the restaurant earlier dis año. Didjooo know that zanahorias are an excellent source of vitamin A, which can help prevent issuez involving the eyes and sight?! Also, a semi-regular diet of carrotz can help keep you safe from tonsillitis AND constipation?!?! WOWZA! I learn sumfing new every day! Tanx Wikipedia!

Now to be fair to all the straight d00dz & lesbananaz that read Josh Is Trashy (there HAS to be some of you out there!), I thought I'd share a bagina-focused food item. In a previouz entry, I blessed/introduced all you hoz to the magnificent Dick Chicken. Now his glorious wife, Pussy Ham, has surfaced to share her booty wiff da world. Just a quick glimpse of her honey-glazed hymen, and I am pondering switching sides. TASTY! (?)

Atta first look, my initial thought was "Oh wow. Another unnecessary and sure-to-fail hospital-based rom-com! And on USA of all places! Perfect!" Then I read the graffiti. FUNNY! But...I don't really get it. The MTA employeez just sit in those holding tanks all day, get harrassed by homelesserz and snarl. I never see anyone ever actually interact respectively or smile @ them. Maybe if peepz were nicer to them and brought dem flowaz or sumfing, then maybe they'd be more willing to help dumbo touristz find the right trains!

A month or so ago, I offered to help the restaurante with a catering event they were doing @ some topiary garden bullshit luncheon for old women wiff nuffin' better to do (bitchez, don't you got some cookiez to bake and ugly sweaters to buy for your great grandchildren?!). For those who don't know, a "topiary" is the pretentious way of saying "ugly bushez hacked up to look like animalz." They always look like ass and unless they're done by Edward Scissorhands, then I want no part of them. Imagine my distress when I was trying to find an isolated place I could hide and text putting away supplies, when I stumbled into an old barn and was greated wiff a huge, brown, rotting giraffe. Get the chocolate fuzz away from me you mutant piece of flora crap!

This was posted on a blank piece of white paper on a column at the subway platform by mah jerb. Now I'm all for cheesy bouts of encouragement bundled and delivered to me whenever I've had a douchetastico day [see: my obsession with "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus], but FUCK OFF subway graffiti. Everything won't be alright if while distracted by your fuckface smiley, I trip and fall onto the train tracks a foot to my right and get splattered to piecez via locomotion! Butthole.

So we all know my stance on escalators, but elevatorz are another ballgame for me. The office I work in is on the 16th floor of my building, and I don't even consume enough calories in a day to equal how much I would burn walking all the way up there. So duh I take the elevator.

And my favorite game is to judge peepz based on their decision to either press the "Door Open" or "Door Close" button when they see someone running to get in before it closes. As the picture above demonstratez [feat. worn-out "Close" button vs. legible "Open" button], people are largely dicks. As for mahself, I like to push neither and just see if the peepz can make it to the door in time based on their own athletic efforts. Get some hustle into your step, tubbo, I ain't holding no doorz for no muthafuzzer!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Hit you like a rocket!

As you all should know, vocal gymnast and beauty queeeeeeeen extraordinaire, Christina Aguilera, just released her latest album yesterday! It's the fourth full studio album [not feat. pointless Christmas and Latin albumz] from the slutty sultry young lady who was honored as being the youngest entry in Rolling Stone's "Top 100 Greatest Singers of All Time"! It's called Bionic and as mah car [circa mah high school yearz back in 2004] clearly exemplifies, I ADORE Xtina! Therefore I for def def defferz had to pick it up the day it came out!

So after work yesterday, I hopped on the subway and rode a thousand miles up into Manhattan to go meet Mr. Pasteeeeeelnick for a romantic dinner to Best Buy and purchase the album. Of course I splurged an exxxtra four buckaroonz to get the DeLuXe version [feat. five bonus track and hologram mayhem cover art]!

Everyone is bugging a boo @ Xtina and saying that she's copying Lady GaGogglez, but I just roll mah ojoz @ those foolz & their lack of any pop culture knowledge whatsoeva. Christina's been kicking everyone's azz since 1998 and has more than validated her place in the poptastico world of current music.

Everyone wants to shovel Katy Perry, Ke$ha, Xtina and GaGogglez into some big lump of accusatory copycatting, but clearly each lady is aware of their place in the pop world and wouldn't be dumb enough to blatantly rip off someone else's style. I HATEZ how peepz tink Lady GaGogglez invented dancy pop music, when it's been around for decades. Each chica has their own niche in this bubblegum yum yum stratosphere, so don't talk shiz unless you know ur shiz, or else dis boy is gonna rub shiz in your face cuz dis boy knowz his shiz.

Anywayz...I find it thrilling to get an album from an artist I LURRRVE the day it comez out. What artistz do you choloz respect and support enough to buy their album the first day it's vagina-birfed into record stores?

Monday, June 7, 2010

My Monday Muse

Jackie Beat

Since gay d00dz are the main demographic of peepz that garbage dive in this trash dump of a website, I am sure that dis week's Monday Muse is not any sort of surprise or new face. Jackie Beat is a drag queen goddess of the cosmos that is known for looking fabbyfabo and for doing awesome rerecordingz of delectably derrrriciouz pop songz. But she's not the muse of mah entire vida para dis week for just those reasonz. It's for dis video below...

[note: I wouldn't have even come across dis video if it wasn't for the guyz @ Cocky and Rude for posting the original on their site and for Mr. Pasteeeeeeeeelnick for enlightening me to the wonder of Ms. Beat.]

I HATE when peepz try to correct me. Newz flash to the world...even if I'm wrong, just play along and humor me. If you dare to call me out on sumfing I say that soundz fishy or just plain false, I will sass yo azz fasta than Mandisa would condemn homosexuality would eat one hundred glazed pastries. And now wiff Jackie Beat's string of surefire comebacks, I know I will never lose an argument again!

"Josh, don't you know what they say about global warming?"


"But Josh, don't you know what they say about snorting asbestos?"


"Come on, Josh. Don't you know what they say about child dismemberment?"


And please mind the absolutely CRUCIAL exaggerated facial expressionz [feat. head tilts and finger shush]. And alwayz, alwayz, be sure to wear your most glamorous, low-cut floral print mumu. That way your opponent has an E-Z escape hatch from the convo after you utterly humiliate them wiff ur brash intelligence.

These are life lessonz, people. Take note.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Hatez dis crap!

I am kind of a pain in da azz. There are a lot of everyday tingz that seem to have little to no effect on any other persona around me, that irritate my existence to an unbelievably frustrating extent, that when I come across one of deez much-hated things, I feel like I literally could punch a sad sea turtle in the puss. Please, enjoy the sources of mah unvalidated rage...


I've had a long-going battle wiff socks ever since I as a little tot. Mainly because they are uncomfortable and THEY SUCK. Not only do they always get lost in the wash, but just the act of slipping them onto my feetz gives me reason enough to hang mahself. So confining, it feels like my poor toes are in a sweaty cloth prison! A cocoon of inescapable hell!

When I was first learning how to get dressed, I hated how near the point of the sock there was the slightly bunched part where the fabric was sewed together. I inexplicably labeled these sock tumors, "Tooniez" and to this day, still hate feeling them rub against mah toes. Maybe my feet are just really dry, and that's why they feel scratchy whenever I put socks on, but I'm totez not spending $$$ on moitorizer, so for now, soxxxorz still suxxxorz!

Thingz Getting Between Me & Whoever I'm Walking With

So you're out for a walk wiff your best friend/lover/mom/dad/pimp and you're in the middle of a fantastico conversation about the tragically nostalgic metaphors in "White Houses" when a pole/trashcan/group of ugly yapping high school grrrlz/bus comez in your vicinity. And then, to your displeasure, the engaging and exciting connection you and your walking partner had get pushed to the ground and raped by one of these aforementioned hinderances coming between you. CONVERSATION OVER.

I HATE having shiz come between me and whoever I'm with and I try and make it a point to always stay to the same side as them. Maybe it's cuz I was an English major [feat. constantly try and find metaphorz EVERYWHERE in real life], but I find the symbolism of sumfing coming between you and your loved one to be very close to heart-breaking. Serial...::sniffle::...I'm this close to crying.


People tink I'm crazy and for good reason when they find out that not only do I detest the word for "stomach" that ryhmes wiff "Kelly," but that I absolutely refuse to say it. Mah hatred for dis werd probably stemmed back from when I was a child and I hated to take mi camiseta off. My life is frrrealz an insecurity factory, so I would NEVER be seen shirtless in public.

Because of mah anti-toplessness, I grew to fear the B-word like the muthafuzzing plague. So gross! When I hear it, it makes me think of parents motorboating [feat. spit everywhere] the living shit outta their baby's abdomen and/or swollen, terrifying shirtless Sandy Clawz rapistz [see: above]. SICK NASTY!


Let's first all acknowledge how monstrously frightening the very top/bottom of the escalator is, where the stairs get sucked back into the floor and there are those scary teeth that I always launch mahself over to avoid getting my zapato laces trapped in. I know I can't be the only person out there that crapped their trouserz last week as a child whenever they reached the bottom of the escalator! I'm positive they kill people!

But aside from being murdered by them, what REALLY annoys me about these motorized machines is how it promotes people to be even LAZZZIER than they already are. Escalators aren't like elevators that shoot ur azz up flights and flights of steps...they take you short distances that you could easily walk yourself. And I get it...some peepz are old or disabled and it helps them get around...and that's fine!

But unless you're about to kick the bucket or are missing a limb or sumfing, than get your high fructose corn nalgaz off the automated people mover and start climbing a flight of steps. I'm not Mr. Body-Builder Ejercicio Machine, but I always take the stairs (or walk on the escalators if there isn't an option), cuz the last thing I'd ever want in mah life is to have lardy butter chopz as thighs.

When Fitted Bedding Comes Undone

This is manoz-down the worst thing in dis herre entry. I would seriously ratha sleep on a stained, pee-drenched piece of cardboard than sleep in an uber-comfy bed that has a fitted sheet that has risen up over the mattress. This anxiety also branchez off of mah artarded childhood and how there were times I'd kick around in my sleep and get my feetiez tangled in fitted sheet that werked their way out from unda the mattress. I woke up thinking I lost control of mah legs!

To dis day (and peepz who have shared a bed conmigo can vouch for dis), I loathe getting into a cama that isn't properly tucked in with it's beddings. And if I wake up in the middle of the night, and the fitted sheeterz have gotten effed up, I will have to get outta bed punch David until he stands up, and remake the whole damn thing in order to get back to sleep.

So am I quite possibly the most obnox person you've ever met? Don't say a word...your silence says enufz.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

My Life in a Pie

I made this chart to organize mah vida and slice up how I utilize the hours in one week:

[Ug...I wish this time management pie was actually strawberry rhubarb.]

As you can see, I work almost as much as I sleep, my bloggy dutiez are much more importante to me than taking care of adult crap like bills and rent and groceries, and commuting for serial takez WAAAAAAAAAAY too much time out of my diaz.

I was surprised to see that the largest pie slab belonged to "Assorted Rando Funz." More than sleeping and working, the time I spend reading/watching moviez/writing poetry/hanging out con mis amigoz/playing Super Mario Galaxy 2/whateva else I do for entertainment is my most abundant category, yet feels to be the most sparse. I guess timez really do fly when you're having divertido mania!

I remember back two añoz ago when I first graduated college and only worked 4 shifts a week @ the restaurant, I was soooooo bored on mah dayz off! I spent my time lounging about the house, begging for something to happen so I'd be able to fill up my time. I even looked forward to changing the fluids in my car! Nowadays, I feel like I don't even have time to go to the gas station!

So all you older peepz out this time management shock something that everyone goes through once they become rEaL PeRsOnAz? Will I eventually become adjusted to this shifting of priorities and reach a certain level of comfort in my existence? Or am I legit going crazzzy loco kookoo nutz? Be my personal therapist...NOW!