Thursday, May 13, 2010

Sniff, sniff...BARF!


They are handz down one of my least favorite things in the entire mundo. I'm serial, you guyz. I'd rather spoon out my eyebawlz wiff an ice cream scoop watch an entire season of Law & Order: Special Snore Brigade Unit then have to share close proximity with these. They're pretty much the single most obnoxiously repulsive and abrasively disturbing thing to ever crawl up from the depthz of hell and invade our abused planet...

...I am talking of course about STINK BUGS. Their full name is Pentatomoidea which is science blabber for "smelly butthole" or sumfing along those linez. If you haven't had the ill-misfortune of stumbling upon these little pestz, then consider yourself Britney Spears' second single off of her sophomore album!

Like their name implies, these demonz drag your nose holez down to hell (not in the awesome way), but their smell isn't blatantly vom-worthy like rotting poopz or burnt cat fur. If it was, I'd just empty an entire bottle of Glade Fresh Laundry Room Spray whenever one these little fart monsterz had a leak.

But no, the odor that escapes these fuckers is a more smothering kind of smell. It would best be described as a musky B.O. stench that has fermented in a gym locker for a year. It starts off light and you think for a hot minute that you might have forgotten to put on deodorant that morning. But the crap festival aroma grows in pungency exponentially, till you're swimming in a cloud of this demon spray and you reek of it for the rest of your life [read as: the day or until you shower and change your ropa].

Just look @ how sad these insectoz make my harem of grrrlfriendz (and yes, that is Jessie Spano behind P. Hilton, screaming and totez not being so excited for this stink-shower):


These little bastardoz run rampant in mi casa (durhz...I live in the forest) and I make it my duty to kill their azzez as fast as possible. But it ain't e-z! I've tried squashing them but that for obvz leadz to unsavory results. I've tried shewing them out my window, but that leads to them getting pissed that I'm swatting in their direction, consequentially leading to toxic contamination. I've tried wishing them away, but then I remember that wishing is for wienisez. I've tried doing NUFFIN', but the artardo bugz still fly into my lamp, get freaked out by the heat/light, and then fart away wiffout any provocation from mahself!

So basically my life blowz whenever they are around. And they are around all the time. So my life blowz ALL. THE. TIME. Please feel bad for me and help me outta this spiraling tornado of stinktastico depression! Have you ever done battle with these nasty hoz?! If so, how did you end your misery?! Please don't tell me that suicido is the only answer! ::criez:: ::suffocatez on stench::

20 comments:

Dave2 said...

BAYGON IS YOUR FRIEND!!

Seal your home making sure that every crack and crevice leading to the outside world is closed. Then spray Baygon into the cracks and crevices where the bugs hide. Then spray over window sills where they walk.

One warning... I think that your kittehs might get sick if they eat Baygon, so you may need to check with a pest control company. They can bombard around your home so they are eliminated as they try to enter.

Good luck!

Adam said...

I get them all the time too (must be the area we live in) and usually just ignore them or toss them outside. I never kill 'em cuz i'm a crazy vegan. Don't they only smell if you squish them?

Sometimes Spring bats around their dried up, dead bodies around. I always wish she'd eat them instead...

Chris D. said...

I encountered these bugs for the first time (that I can recall) this winter. I also live near woods. I thought they were only supposed to smell when crushed? I didn't notice any smell on the ones I met. I think I rescued the first one by putting it outside. The next three I ended up just flushing down the toilet. I only seem to encounter them in the Winter. They seemed to be hibernating so they were very easy to capture. I only saw one fly a little in very early spring, but even that one was easy to catch. I think mine may have hitched a ride on plants, or come in when I had the front door open. They do not bother me so much, but then I guess I don't smell them like you do.

Adam said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
adam said...

btw, wtf is Baygon? Is it safe to dump pesticides all over your house? Yuck!

Mel said...

What Dave said about the kittehs and insecticides. Often not a pretty combination, though not likely to be deadly - you just need to keep them out of areas that have been sprayed. You might try reading this article:

http://www.asktheexterminator.com/Household_Pests/How_to_Get_Rid_of_Stink_Bugs.shtml

And then call your local cooperative extension service to see if they've got anything that would help.

Tam said...

I am unfamiliar with this creature, I don't think we have them but I feel for you. Any insect infestation is horrid and stinky insects even worse.

We sometimes get earwigs which are just plain old creepy and give me the heebie jeebies. Hope you can find a solution, beyond Raid.

madtexter ☺☺☺☺☺☺ (corey james) said...

Whatever you do, Josh..don't fart around them. They'll think they are home, and move all their relatives in with them.

Squash 'em and put on a gas mask. But I totally get your thoughts about the smell is okay for a moment..somewhat potpourri even...but then the dank bomb hits...peee-yooo!

naughty said...

Jeebus, Sweetie, and here I was thinking Florida had cornered the market on all the hideous insect life on the planet. You poor boy! Naughty is so hating these sink monsters on your behalf! Are your gatoz afraid of them? One would think the gato would be a hunter of the stink bug . . . but then again, cats are brilliant creatures, and 100s of thousands of years of evolution might have done the trick of putting the fear of stink into the feline. Good luck!

Hm, What? said...

Thank god I haven't encountered these... yet.

Lora said...

I just heard about these things yesterday, a co-worker has an infestation in her house! eww!

I can't deal with stink. or bugs. I do not like these newfound creatures.

anne marie in philly said...

my cats point them out to me...I (gently) gather them in some toilet paper...then flush their stinky bodies (and the toilet paper) down the crapper!

easy as pie!

Mark said...

Try to find a bug spray that contains eugenol oils or clove oil. They are natural and won't harm humans or pets. But bugs will be dragged to hell (not in a good way).

Anonymous said...

Next to spiders and big beetles, these are the most horrible living things on the planet. I truly do HATE them so much that every time I see one I have to kill it! I saw one last evening on my bedroom window, and franticaly looked around for something heavy to squash it with, I grabbed a Dean Koontz book and BAM...one less stink bug. And lately they've been invading my car. The other day I chased one down accross my the inside of my windshield with my glasses case! I don't know how to get rid of them, but if you find out Josh, let me know. Love , Mom

Anonymous said...

I have seen them so many times but never smelled one! Thank goodness! They are nasty looking though and I think the only true way to kill them is to flush them down the toilet. If it's a real problem, advice is to find exposed areas around the house and seal them; there is this foam stuff that works really well (and no danger of cat poisoning).

-Cindy

Polt said...

I had five of them since I moved into the house in October, which pissed me off, but when I hear how other people literally have them totally covering the screens in their windows, I consider myself lucky.

I just catch the critters in a plastic baggie, take em to the toilet and flush em. Burial as sea. And no stinkshow.

HUGS...

David said...

I've never dealt with them, even when I was in the 'burbs of Jersey or on my family's many camping trips. Just lucky I guess. And none here in my Nueva Nueva not-so-batchelor pad. As you well know. :-)

Justin said...

I've never seen or smelled a stink bug. Maybe we don't have them in Massachusetts.

Well as far as I am concerned, the top most horrifying multi-legged critters to have in a house are:

1) Centipedes
2) Silverfish
3) Millipedes
4) Ticks
5) Fleas
6) Spiders

Thankfully I've never been "infested" with any of the above. My dogs are tick-magnets but we've never had an infestation of ticks, something I shudder to even imagine. Our dogs seem to be naturally flea-repellent, and the cat is an indoor cat. Every time I find a tick on one of our dogs, though, I always get that itchy creepy feeling that I might have a tick on me. Thankfully that has only ever proven to be in my imagination so far.

I have been in houses infested by fleas. One couple I know has kids who keep a guinea pig as a pet. They also have shag carpeting, which I hate, and which they seem blissfully unaware is hopping with fleas. Every time I go over there (something I generally try to avoid), I end up with little bits around my ankles. Yecchhh. This is one of the downsides of allowing kids to keep pets when they're too young to be responsible and the parents are too busy to be involved.

I'm pretty severely arachnophobic but I try not to kill them. I like to trap them in a glass + postcard and put them outside. I know they're beneficial.

Centipedes are predatory too, so I guess they are beneficial, but I can't bear them. I've never had millipedes but I have had centipedes and silverfish. *shudder* Thankfully, since getting borax-infused cellulose insulation blown into the walls we haven't seen them.

The only insect "infestation" I've ever had was with little tiny moths. You have to really stay on top of that -- they can get into your dry goods: ceral, flour, rice, etc -- and they'll eat anything and lay eggs and then you just have billions. Plus they can eat holes in your books (bookworms are moth larvae) and in your wool clothing. The cat enjoys batting them around when we get them, but we're good at keeping our dry goods in tightly-sealed jars so we don't get infested anymore.

(continued...)

Justin said...

As for "worst smells", my top two are:

a) Skunk
b) Canine or feline anal gland
c) Cat pee

(which are variations of the same thing)

For years I thought "what is the big deal about skunk?" You smell skunk while driving on the highway sometimes and it's just not that bad. I learned, however, that the "skunk in a distance" experience is *NOT* the same as "skunk up close". My (former) dog got skunked in the face once and my old apartment had wall-to-wall carpeting and he came running in, coughing and choking, eyes and nose watering, and shook himself and started rubbing his face on the carpet to get the sting out. It's like a combination of gasoline and rotting corpse and poo and everything bad you can imagine.

Thankfully he was a smart dog -- first time in the face, second time (about a year later) in the side, third time on the tip of his tail.

I've only had one of my current dogs skunked thankfully. I don't know if she learned her lesson or not. Even though we live in a very urban area, we get lots of critters -- skunks, possums, raccoons -- and skunks are afraid of NOTHING. Not people, not dogs, not nothing.

Dogs have anal glands in the same place skunks do -- they evolved from a common source -- and cats have them too. All these animals will release their contents if they get scared enough. Most of them smell pretty bad but once in a while you get a dog whose anal gland production is like the smell of fish guts that have been rotting in the sun for about a week. Not to be believed.

Cat pee, like skunk, is one of those smells you can't get out of anything. You can try all the remedies -- for skunk it's tomato juice or vinegar douche or enzymatic cleaners (which are used for cat pee too), but basically none of them work. I had a roommate once years ago whose cat only pooped in the litter box but used the basement to pee in. That was horrible. And my dog who got skunked, you could still faintly smell it 6 months later if he got wet.

I'd be curious how stink bug stacks up against those smells.

Milo said...

To my knowledge we don't get them on this lil'island.