Monday, May 31, 2010

My Monday Muse

[Sup homiez?! It's dat time again for you bloggy residents to stretch your democratic wings and vote for your Monday Muse of May 2010! This year is just steamrolling by, isn't it? Scroll to the bottom of dis entry to find the virtual voting booth. Come on, chut up and put your moniez where your mouse clicks! Someone's destiny will be unphased by dis is resting in your hands!]

Terrified Children

Don't kids fucking suck? I mean, sure they're all cute and shiz when they are babies and are so innocent and loving! But as soon as they learn to speak and walk, the turdz hit the turbine fan. Whining about dis, crying about dat...I've known quite a few kids that for def def defferz were way bigger than their precocious little britches, and they've left an angry disgusting taste in my mouf.

See, I tink it's because a lot of kids are born into lovely, fortunate families and grow up actually thinking (in part tanx to their overbearing, spoilsome parents), dat the world is for serial meant to revolve around their dumb azzes. Their bubble gums smilez, hopeful futures and lollipop dreamz may fool some peepz, but not dis blogger! I'm on to you CHILDREN. You may have hand the upper hand against us adults, but not any longer, cholitoz! This doucheparade ends today. Here are some GENIUZ adults bitchslapping their kids with the wonderful invention of FRIGHT.

Computer Nerd

What?! Just cuz you helped your mom y pop set up their email account (cuz they're too prehistoric to figure it out demselvez), doesn't mean you are entitled to spend the entire day surfing around for dumbo games to play while SOME of us have to werk for a living! I know there are prox infinity number of videos of parents coercing their spawn to play these faux-games on the web, just to be frightened, but I liked this one especially. That will teach you for roasting your chubby cherub cheeks so closely to the computer screen!

Cry Baby

What's dat? You're a-scared of the dark? The boogeyman is gonna getchooo? You think there's a MoNsTa brewing some evil schemes under your bed? Well, here's da troof...there ain't no demon under your cama waiting to drag you to hell (sadly!), but if you're gonna spend all your time wimpering and crying cuz you believe in witches and werewolves and vampires and whatever other dumb crap some halfwit writer is marketing to tasteless children as high-end literature, then you deserve to have a meanie babysitter [feat. gigantic head] chase you around and ruin your day. Hey cry baby, hit puberty already and GROW A PAIR.

Early Riserz

So you're big boiz now? You can stay up late (past 8 o'clock)? You've seen enough episodes of the Ghostbusters animated series to feel equipped to handle REAL person terror? Then go pop in a copy of Texas Chainsaw Cheerleader Massacre and let's count the minutes of sleep you get that night. I say...about 15 minz. Then your parents decide to put your filthy little precocious egos in check and learn you to act your age. Vvvvroooooooooom! Yeah...who's brave now? Not you as you nearly fall your nalgaz out da window! Go back to your Goosebumps and leave the horror movies for those who are old enough to know what sex is. Oh come on now. Don't cry...I was just kidding. Promziez!


Who is your Monday Muse of May 2010?!

Le Duo Des Chats?
Britney Spears?
Judge Judy?
Super Mario Bros.?
this week's Terrified Children?


Mel said...

Judge Judy, FTW!

mikey said...

wow...those kids have evidence for the therapy they will pay for later

hoteltuesday said...

I love when the kid is like "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!" Funny.

Kidz are usually so annoying so I love when they're terrifiiied for the fiiirst time and the laaast time in their ooooonlyyyy liiiiiives!

David said...

Okay, the first one was kind of funny and the third one was hee-sterical, but the second one was just mean. :-(

Michelle M. said...

I'm going to try some of these on the kids tomorrow!

But I'm going to vote for Judge Judy.

Ryan said...

I'd be scared starting a chainsaw nearby frightened children. I think this comes from my dad's accident-proneness.

Tam said...

What mean parents. :-( I voted for the gatos, because they are ... cats.

madtexter ☺☺☺☺☺☺ (corey james) said...

BWWWWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! I think parent's should do more of that to their children. It would serve the little shitz right. Parents need to stop being 'friends' with their kids and put the fear of the gods into them. That'll learn 'em.

Justin said...

What's with all the hatin' on the kids? I mean, I can find kids as irritating as the next guy -- probably a hell of a lot MORE irritating -- but in my experience, the ones most deserving of Doom are the parents, who all seem to be just getting worse and worse.

My shoulder-mounted rocket-launcher is poised for:

* Parents who think it's ok to block my driveway, get out of the car, and disappear into the school for 45 minutes and then give me attitude when they come back and I've missed a doctor's appointment because I couldn't get out of my own driveway, or my friend who just had chemo nearly passed out at the wheel on her fourth trip around the block looking for parking because she couldn't park in my driveway;

* Parents who yell at you that you "*have to* out of their way" because they're pushing an SUV-sized stroller that DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A KID IN IT and you're squinting at the watch batteries to find that exact code and their hummer-style stroller is too wide-ass for the aisles at CVS and apparently they never learned the words "excuse me" (which, granted, in Cambridge, Massachusetts and when spoken by an upper-middle class person, is code for "fuck you");

* Parents who bring 2-year-olds to Shakespeare and ignore them when they scream "I want to go hooooooome" throughout;

* Parents who explain every detail of Swan Lake plot-point by plot-point to their 11-year-old daughter because they home-school and "it's a teaching experience that can't be passed up", including, apparently the "teaching experience" of teaching their kids that the world revolves around them and other people don't matter;

* Parents who instead of telling their kids to stop kicking the seat in front of them and talking through a concert, engage their kids in full-volume conversation during the concert as if they are in their own living rooms because other people don't matter;

* Parents who ... oh, well, you get the idea and I don't want to bring the interwebs to a crashing halt by typing all the examples.

Josherz -- post some videos of people being cruel to PARENTS and I'll vote for it; for now though I'm just going to have to vote for Judge Judy -- that's the next best thing. ;-)

(So, Ryan, you have a clumsy dad, too? I best we could swap stories!)

john said...

That third one was funny, though the live chain saw did give me pause. The kids reaction was perfect!

I voted for chats! That thing still makes me laugh.

Laurie said...

Omg .....poor kids! I hate mean grown-ups!!! (Thing Two thought terrified kids was hilarious ......haven't taught him well) BULLIES!

Love yowling chats though cuz LOVE gatos & singing. Joshy you're right serious kid vs. smirking kid, priceless.

OMG!!!! Word verification: hotti

uh, yeah. duh :-)

Justin said...

Oh maaaaAAAAAaaaannnnnn!! I missed Le Duo Des Chats before. I want to change my vote!!!!

I love how Josh pretends not to know what Jere means by "irony" ;-)

BEE TEE DUBBYA, JOSH: I'll have you know that not ALL dogs are "ntense never-ending rocketboosts of energy". This is why Huskies are the best! They are like cats in dogs' bodies:

a) they don't bark (they do "talk" and sometimes they howl, but you have to encourage the latter)
b) they clean themselves
c) they like to watch out of windows
d) they don't like to make fools of themselves with panting slobbering
e) they disdain public displays of affection
f) they are not particularly motivated by the desire to please people and are therefore hard to train

But the pay-off is so much better than with other, more ... pliant dogs. A well-trained husky is just so much more intelligent and calm than your typical dog.

*AND* you could *DEFINITELY* compose a classical musical piece to a Husky's yodeling and howling!

adam said...

ThE MoNsTeR! Oh My GAWWWDDD!!!! What a wimpy little baby! That kid needs to stop being such a little puss.

Anonymous said...

What in the hell is up with the
2nd one? I love a good scare but that child was TERRIFIED. Let's fast forward to when he's thirty and still can't sleep with the lights off! :-( The third was funny though, the kids were older, the reaction of the one was great!