Saturday, May 22, 2010

My Knight In Shining Armorz

I know...I know...this is probz the longest I've gone wiffout blogging in forevz (5 days!), but I've been the busiest of beez! Aside from working mah real person jerb, I've been helping out the restaurant wiff some understaffed emergenciez and I've been trying to evolve from being a recluse caterpillar to a social butterfly (what's with all deez insect referencez?!).

This is the first day in awhile that I haven't had some sort of endeavor planned out, so I will take advantage of this nothingness time and fill all you cholitoz in on an adventure I had a few weekends ago!

It was mi amiga from college Sam's birfday! If you don't remember, she's the one that was the pregnant Britney Spears to my drunken Paris Hilton prox three Helloweenz ago. And for her birfday she wanted to go toooooo Medieval Timez! I usually hate history (zzz), but for Sam, I agreed to go back in time to the dayz of slutty wenches in raggedy clothes and men decked out in metal, wrestling each other (and no, I don't mean the 80s).

Here's a video of me and mis amigoz driving up to the majestic castle:

So for those poor, unfortunate souls out there that have never been to a Medieval Times dinner theatre extravaganza deluxe birfday party, let me tell you what goes down. Basically you go into dis big arena, eat lotz of food with your hands all barbaric like, watch knights pretend fight each other while the audience screams for no reason and then leave.

As soon as we stepped into the castle, we were honored with really expensive [read as: paper] crowns. Look how happy I am to be a prince!:

After being bedazzled with our fanciful new headwear, we went into a large gift shop chamber where the rest of our copatriots were kabitzing about, buying light-up swords and bejeweled goblets and other shit that a) they don't need, and b) costs way more than it should. After counting all the nerdz that were there taking this not-real adventura way too serial (I counted 67), we were ushered into the arena, seated and told that our section of the risers was being defended by the politically correct and racially-sound Black & White Knight.

The show started and we watched a swamp of poorly mic-ed actors knights, princesses and kings chatterbox about whogivezashit. Blah blah blah...then the food came out! Served to us by a miserably unethusiastic food servant named Gertrude or sumfing, we dined on ribs, garlic bread, veggie soup and large chunks of chicken! Mmmmm...

After eating (and tanking mah lucky starz that my metabolism was designed by Gawd himself), we watched the show. It basically consisted of all the knights riding sad horses around the arena, throwing spearz @ bullseye targets and gallivanting around all fancy and silly.

Then they started to fight each other...and fastforward 23 hourz...OUR KNIGHT WAS IN THE FINAL SHOWDOWN! Not to settle with being represented by a runner-up [i.e. Adam Glamberpuss, Justin Guarweenie & Diana DeGoingToProm], I started belching werdz of encouragement [aka verbally threatening him if he was to fail].

So after a lengthy battle involving balls 'n' chains, axez, swords, sad horses and some impressive tumbling, my Black & White Knight delivered a fatal [read as: rehearsed and overdramatic] blow to the gut of his opponent. YAY! He took off his helmet and DAMN! My knight was a sexxxy man babe! Then I realized that he probably didn't know all the dance movez to "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)," so I immediately lost interest.

Then I skedaddled on home where I fell into a food coma that I didn't awake from till three days after. Good times! If Medieval Times taught me just one ting, it would have to be that winning seriously is much more awesome than losing. Totally.


Tam said...

We went to Medieval Times in Florida and our guy, the Yellow Knight won (who was actually black). Last year the kidlet ended up on a school trip at Medieval Times in Toronto on her birthday and even got knighted by the kingy guy complete with picture. Her guy, the Green Knight won and she even got her picture taken with the hottie. (I think it's the rule, knights must be cute.) So I think my kid is some kind of knightly good luck charm. Along with you of course.

Glad you had fun, history and all.

Polt said...

Tam: I had no idea Toronto had a Mideval Times!! I'll have to look that up.

When I was in London on a school trip back in 1984 (the olden days), we went to eat a place caleld beefeaters. We ate in the like catacombs undernesth this building. Everyone was dressed in period clothing. They had a king and queen and minstrals, and serving wenches and so forth. And we had no silverware, had to eat with our hands. We had like chicken and cheeses and some hard bread and mead or water in pewter mugs. There was a knight, but no fights. All in all, I quite enjoyed it.

And Josherz, even though you say the paper crown made you a prince, you'll always be a little princess to me. :)


Nathan V said...

We got to go to that medieval times as a questionably educational field trip in high school.

adam! said...

woah that sounds moderately fun! I want a crown! I've never been to MT, and I fear that they have no vegan options, so I probz would never go.

Mel said...

I'm shocked. Shocked! That there's more than one of these things. I'm pretty sure they don't really count as anything that might actually qualify as "history", though.

Anyway, I'm with Adam on this one. I'd be all, I'd like the vegetarian option, please. And then they'd be all, Um what's that? And then I'd be all, WTF! Oh no you di'nt, you f@ckin' animal torturer! I'll show you some gettin' Medieval!

It'd get ugly.

Dave2 said...

If you think that Medieval Times is teh awesome, then you need to get on a plane to Orlando so you can experience PIRATE DINNER ADVENTURE!! It's got everything you could ever want... PLUS PIRATES!!

BOSSY said...

Bossy has a tough enough time getting out to dinner in this century, let alone medieval times. Hi Josh!

Ryan said...

Squee! Just like in Ugly Betty.

Your knight was cute. Lack of dance moves is something that can be fixed.

madtexter ☺☺☺☺☺☺ (corey james) said...

I don't know if I remember ever telling you, but you are a trip with luggage! Ha! I love the 'BOO!' I'm gonna add that to my vernacular from now on!

You're crazy funny. And BTW I crack up every time to refer to Lady Gaga as Lady Gogglez. I've completely stolen that from you as well.

Stay suits you!

john said...

I'm simply impressed that you actually ate. Though, it wasn't caught on camera, so I question if it really happened. So much jealousy of the metabolism designed by Gawd.

David said...

That black and white night better back the shiz up or I will get all Beyonce on hiz azz.

Justin said...

@Josherz -- **Wow** your Medieval Times looks a *LOT* better than our "Medieval Manour" here in Boston!! First off, *none* of our knights or jesters or kings or queens or princes or princesses were "cute" by any stretch. Let alone "sexxxy man babes" :-( Secondly, ours is mostly about embarrassing the customers with filthy raunchy baudy "medieval" humor, where they make the customers participate. One of the favorites is for one of the jesters to make one of the diners joust with him with loaves of bread stuck between their thighs so it looks like big penis-swords. Ha. Ha. And of course the waiters (read: people desperately trying to break into acting and doing anything no matter how pathetic in the meantime) have to speak in pseudo medieval-speak. It's all very forced and groan-worthy :P

@Mel & @Adam -- you're probably right about the vegetarian stuff. It's all about hunks and hunks of meat.

@Nathan -- I don't know whether to be gratified or horrified that the Canadian School System is as bad as the American. Going to one of these as a "field trip" sounds like a skit from the Simpsons with Principal Skinner.

@Polt. In 1984 I was already two years out of college and on my way to grad school. You annoyingly young thing you.

@Ryan -- "Lack of dance moves is something that can be fixed." -- you know this by first-hand experience?

@David P -- could you Beyonce his azz over my way, please?

hoteltuesday said...

The only time I went, my night won too! YAY!!! I like how you used the same pic over and over!

Michelle M. said...

You look fantastically wonderful in a crown. I think you should wear one ALL the time. Garlic bread is yummy. And sad horses? Those are the worst kind.

Justin said...

Michelle M -- are you saying Josherz ever DOESN'T look fantastically wonderful?