Monday, May 31, 2010

My Monday Muse

[Sup homiez?! It's dat time again for you bloggy residents to stretch your democratic wings and vote for your Monday Muse of May 2010! This year is just steamrolling by, isn't it? Scroll to the bottom of dis entry to find the virtual voting booth. Come on, chut up and put your moniez where your mouse clicks! Someone's destiny will be unphased by dis is resting in your hands!]

Terrified Children

Don't kids fucking suck? I mean, sure they're all cute and shiz when they are babies and are so innocent and loving! But as soon as they learn to speak and walk, the turdz hit the turbine fan. Whining about dis, crying about dat...I've known quite a few kids that for def def defferz were way bigger than their precocious little britches, and they've left an angry disgusting taste in my mouf.

See, I tink it's because a lot of kids are born into lovely, fortunate families and grow up actually thinking (in part tanx to their overbearing, spoilsome parents), dat the world is for serial meant to revolve around their dumb azzes. Their bubble gums smilez, hopeful futures and lollipop dreamz may fool some peepz, but not dis blogger! I'm on to you CHILDREN. You may have hand the upper hand against us adults, but not any longer, cholitoz! This doucheparade ends today. Here are some GENIUZ adults bitchslapping their kids with the wonderful invention of FRIGHT.

Computer Nerd

What?! Just cuz you helped your mom y pop set up their email account (cuz they're too prehistoric to figure it out demselvez), doesn't mean you are entitled to spend the entire day surfing around for dumbo games to play while SOME of us have to werk for a living! I know there are prox infinity number of videos of parents coercing their spawn to play these faux-games on the web, just to be frightened, but I liked this one especially. That will teach you for roasting your chubby cherub cheeks so closely to the computer screen!

Cry Baby

What's dat? You're a-scared of the dark? The boogeyman is gonna getchooo? You think there's a MoNsTa brewing some evil schemes under your bed? Well, here's da troof...there ain't no demon under your cama waiting to drag you to hell (sadly!), but if you're gonna spend all your time wimpering and crying cuz you believe in witches and werewolves and vampires and whatever other dumb crap some halfwit writer is marketing to tasteless children as high-end literature, then you deserve to have a meanie babysitter [feat. gigantic head] chase you around and ruin your day. Hey cry baby, hit puberty already and GROW A PAIR.

Early Riserz

So you're big boiz now? You can stay up late (past 8 o'clock)? You've seen enough episodes of the Ghostbusters animated series to feel equipped to handle REAL person terror? Then go pop in a copy of Texas Chainsaw Cheerleader Massacre and let's count the minutes of sleep you get that night. I say...about 15 minz. Then your parents decide to put your filthy little precocious egos in check and learn you to act your age. Vvvvroooooooooom! Yeah...who's brave now? Not you as you nearly fall your nalgaz out da window! Go back to your Goosebumps and leave the horror movies for those who are old enough to know what sex is. Oh come on now. Don't cry...I was just kidding. Promziez!


Who is your Monday Muse of May 2010?!

Le Duo Des Chats?
Britney Spears?
Judge Judy?
Super Mario Bros.?
this week's Terrified Children?

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Q+A! - Questionnaire Remix!

Unless you have amnesia [read as: don't read Mr. Pasteeeeeeeeelnick's blog], you should be aware that it twas mah birfday last February. And all you vunderville bloggy cholitoz surprised the glitter outta me when David gifted me with a backpack chock full o' presents from you sweet, thoughtful rutabagas! Wellz, Polt's gift to me was porn a book about mah favo topic: Poorly received and hence forgotten about pop songz from the late 90s/early 00s MYSELF!

The book, All About Me., is a collection of rando survey questionz that can help me chronicle all the many reasons I rule [aka reasons I suck]. It's like I'm a celebrity! This book is PERFECTO para me because, as you all know, I would punch 15 recently-orphaned paraplegic blind impoverished babies if it meant that I could become famous. I LOVE to make up interviews / while I brush my teeth!

So instead of keeping my answerz to myself, I thought I'd post selections of preguntas, answer dem here and then have you sweet little so'n'sos answer them urself. So let's get this carousel a-spinnin'!

"Althought you may not have an 'absolute favorite,' answer the following questions spontaneously. The best answer will be the first thought that comes to mind."

A color you like to wear: I used to wear dark oversized tees all the time because I guess I liked to really show off how sickly sun-deprived I was via color contrast. Now I am fond of strutting around in fitted tees of the citrus color variety!

Regardless of size or circumstance, an animal you would like to own as a pet: Wellz, since I already have three of my favo animal, I guess I will pick #2 on my list, which would have to be a cute little monkey that could sit in my pocket, that I could feed mini-bananas to and that would groom me for ticks in the Summer.

A flower you would like to grow in your garden: Audrey II so I could drag this dumb GaGogglez-lurrrving world to HELL while singing and yelling @ everyone.

Your lucky number: I don't believe in lucky numbers. But I've always had an affinity towards odd numeros. I find 3, 7 & 9 to be quite handsome-looking!

A smell that makes you pause: Clothes that have been recently washed using Arm & Hammer Liquid Laundry Detergent ("Clean Burst" Flavor!). It's the odor of what the boyfriends I used to make up for myself in my head would smell like, if they weren't fake.

A taste that makes you melt: Gouda. Gouda. Gouda. Gouda.

A hobby that occupies your time: Posting Q+As that no one cares about on a blog that no one cares about.

A sport you enjoy watching: American Idol.

A sport you enjoy playing: Mario Kart.

Your favorite meal: Pork roll, egg y chedda on a salt bagel. But I only eat one a year, cuz I fear my arteries would literally euthanize mah existence if I exceeded such a limit. CLOGGED CITY USA!

A drink you often order:
When I'm an alcoholic? Rum [feat. Coke...the only time I drink soda!]. When I'm sober? Kombucha!

A delicious dessert: Anything that's been given a forcefully violent injection of almond paste. MMMMM.

Ok...dat's it for now. What about you folkz?! Answer these questionz so I can learn your Earthly ways better!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Obligatory American Idol Finale Post

So I know it's the cool thing to hate on American Idol and whine about how none of the contestants can sing (even though there is definitive proof that they are in fact talented), but I still have to alienate you bloggy readerz by doing a quick write-up on the Idol season finale. So if you irrationally hate the show, spare my eyez any rude comments and keep your meanness to yourself [feat. click on those links and actually listen to some of these peepz...might change your mind]!

So anyway...after a long and sweaty season of the extremely mediocre [see: Paige Miles & Lacey Brown] vs. the unbelievably talented [see: Crystal Bowersox & Crystal Bowersox], we are down to the final two showdown mega face-off! The finale was tonight and even though Bowser's Sox was absolutely brilliant (did you see her performances of "Me and Bobby McGee" and "Up To the Mountain"?!), the title of American Idol champion went tooooooooooooooooooooooooo...


Though he wasn't mah favo this season, he still was pretty good [sans his outta tune performancez during the finale...ew!], so I am alright wiff him winning. Dis is the first season when I liked both contestants in the final two! No Justin Guarweeniez, Adam LameAnalRapistBerts and Bland Lewises for me to rally for me, this was a rather anticlimactic season finale. Both Crystal and Lee are great singsingaz, so they will (hopefully) have long and proseperous careerz.

Now, to conclude my Idol obsession of this season, here is a video of me singing last year's winner, Kris Allen's cover of Kanye Butthole's "Heartless"...sorry in advance:

Monday, May 24, 2010

My Monday Muse

Super Mario Bros.

I know...I know...I'm sure there are only a handful [read as: Enrico & Craig] that will truly care and/or appreciate this week's Monday Muse, but in honor of the release of what will probz become one of mah favo gamez ever, Super Mario Galaxy 2, I just had to share this muse from mah childhood wiff you all.

Whenever I get saddercopterz, or overwhelmed by all the grown-up real-person shit that being a 24-year-old is burdened with, I just slink off to mah cuarto, turn on mah NES SNES Game Boy N64 Game Cube DS Wii and allow my non-existent azz to regress back into the simpler timez of mah past, when loanz and rent and insurance (what is that exactly?!) become replaced by Bullet Bills, Lakitus and Fire Flowers! Not convinced that video gamez make the world a better place?! Just check out these real-life adaptations of mah hands down favo franchise of anything ever...

The drama! Dis shiz is no longer just about Princess Peach getting her nalgaz snatched up by Bowser. Love! Betrayal! MURRRRRDA! Mario Kart: The Movie would be sure to sweep the Academy Awards. I mean, that scene wiff Mario and Daisy in the car?! Sure to win them BOTH statuettes! And I'm soooo glad they got a cute boi [read as: lanky and nerdy] to play mah favorita character in the Mario universe, Toad!

I know one ting...I wouldn't mind being a sweaty, prosciutto-swinging guido if I got to witness Daisy & Peach bitch-slap each other and if I was able to play peeping Tom to some homo makey-outey sessionz between Bowser and Donkey Bongz. SEXXXERSKATEZ!

So what do you think?! Is this not the greatest thing ever? Don't you just want to bust out your Tanooki Suit and confuse the 'shroomz outta some Koopa Troopaz? Don't you want to chuck a spiny shell @ the closest Thwomp (only to have it DO NOTHING since only invincibility stars can kill them...DUH!)?! How about you force Yoshit to eat a gaggle of Shy Guys and fart out a million eggs?!?!?!?

Or have I just confused the snot outta you? Yeah...that's probably right.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Where have all the bloggers gone?

There's no real point to dis entry other than to be morose over the drying up of the bloggy landscape! Where there once were fruitful treez, there are now just piles of dried up kindling. Where derrrrriciouz oceanz of crisp agua once flowed, there are now only craters. Where grass sprouted from the ground like so much Rogained hair, there is now just a deserted, balding scalp. Oh woe is mah bloggy world!

Ok...cutting the melodramatic bullcrap. I know I've been MaD BuSy the past few months and I just wanted to say I'm sowwwwwy that I haven't made my gloriously golden [read as: pungently obnoxious & self-deprecating] presence felt more across this little corner of the blogosphere that Josh Is Trashy and the rest of the Puntabulous blogz call home.

My daily/weekly/monthly view counts have toilet-swirled to lowz that make me a saaaaad panda. But I know it's partially mah fault for slacking on posting/commenting (and partly the fault of the impending Summer unleashing a world of fun things for us to do away from our computadoraz, thus crane-kicking my blog counter in the throat).

I love all you bloggy readerz, and in the words of P!nk, I implore you, "Pleeeeeeease don't leave me."

(da da da da da)

Saturday, May 22, 2010

My Knight In Shining Armorz

I know...I know...this is probz the longest I've gone wiffout blogging in forevz (5 days!), but I've been the busiest of beez! Aside from working mah real person jerb, I've been helping out the restaurant wiff some understaffed emergenciez and I've been trying to evolve from being a recluse caterpillar to a social butterfly (what's with all deez insect referencez?!).

This is the first day in awhile that I haven't had some sort of endeavor planned out, so I will take advantage of this nothingness time and fill all you cholitoz in on an adventure I had a few weekends ago!

It was mi amiga from college Sam's birfday! If you don't remember, she's the one that was the pregnant Britney Spears to my drunken Paris Hilton prox three Helloweenz ago. And for her birfday she wanted to go toooooo Medieval Timez! I usually hate history (zzz), but for Sam, I agreed to go back in time to the dayz of slutty wenches in raggedy clothes and men decked out in metal, wrestling each other (and no, I don't mean the 80s).

Here's a video of me and mis amigoz driving up to the majestic castle:

So for those poor, unfortunate souls out there that have never been to a Medieval Times dinner theatre extravaganza deluxe birfday party, let me tell you what goes down. Basically you go into dis big arena, eat lotz of food with your hands all barbaric like, watch knights pretend fight each other while the audience screams for no reason and then leave.

As soon as we stepped into the castle, we were honored with really expensive [read as: paper] crowns. Look how happy I am to be a prince!:

After being bedazzled with our fanciful new headwear, we went into a large gift shop chamber where the rest of our copatriots were kabitzing about, buying light-up swords and bejeweled goblets and other shit that a) they don't need, and b) costs way more than it should. After counting all the nerdz that were there taking this not-real adventura way too serial (I counted 67), we were ushered into the arena, seated and told that our section of the risers was being defended by the politically correct and racially-sound Black & White Knight.

The show started and we watched a swamp of poorly mic-ed actors knights, princesses and kings chatterbox about whogivezashit. Blah blah blah...then the food came out! Served to us by a miserably unethusiastic food servant named Gertrude or sumfing, we dined on ribs, garlic bread, veggie soup and large chunks of chicken! Mmmmm...

After eating (and tanking mah lucky starz that my metabolism was designed by Gawd himself), we watched the show. It basically consisted of all the knights riding sad horses around the arena, throwing spearz @ bullseye targets and gallivanting around all fancy and silly.

Then they started to fight each other...and fastforward 23 hourz...OUR KNIGHT WAS IN THE FINAL SHOWDOWN! Not to settle with being represented by a runner-up [i.e. Adam Glamberpuss, Justin Guarweenie & Diana DeGoingToProm], I started belching werdz of encouragement [aka verbally threatening him if he was to fail].

So after a lengthy battle involving balls 'n' chains, axez, swords, sad horses and some impressive tumbling, my Black & White Knight delivered a fatal [read as: rehearsed and overdramatic] blow to the gut of his opponent. YAY! He took off his helmet and DAMN! My knight was a sexxxy man babe! Then I realized that he probably didn't know all the dance movez to "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)," so I immediately lost interest.

Then I skedaddled on home where I fell into a food coma that I didn't awake from till three days after. Good times! If Medieval Times taught me just one ting, it would have to be that winning seriously is much more awesome than losing. Totally.

Monday, May 17, 2010

My Monday Muse

Judge Judy

Admit it, you LOVE seeing bad shiz happen to other people. To see some dumb teenage ho get barked at for any countless of bizarre reasons can seriously turn a bad day into a near-perfect one. Trust me!

Get a bad grade on an exam? Have a huge fight wiff ur significant otro? Get reamed out @ work cuz you kept falling asleep due to staying up all night boohooing over how no one will ever love you? Shut your mouf, grab a bag of Xtra-Fat-Butter popped corn and root your nalgaz into the nearest couch for a good session of over-exaggerated Judge Judy debitcheous debauchery. Don't believe me? Then go bugger off Then watch dis:

Isn't she just so..."Shhh..." But really, her elegance is just so..."NO, YOU DID! SHHHHHH!" Pardon me, Dame Judy, I just want to point out..."SIT DOOOOOWN! IN A CHAAAAIR!" Okay, but I'd rather..."Whatever." Why are you being so mean..."Shh. Your case is dismissed. NOW YOU CAN LEEEEAVE!"

(Bah, forget it.)

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Gay Pride Holiday!

It's Gay Pride Weekend in New Hope (which is prox 15 minutoz from mi casa)! Yay! So aside from me being able to not hate mahself for two days, it also means that Nueva Hope is brimming with wonderfully trashy and abrasively colorful personaz for me to observe!

I decided to be a good homosexxxual and embrace the danceytime rainbow magic of the season and check out the gay bars last night. But since I am shy and terrified of being molested by gross desperatoz that think just because I'm gay I'd want to play under-the-table hooker games wiff them, I enlisted the support and company of my mirror-image, Enrico! Along with his housemates Ross & Christie and my friend from the restaurant Sheila [feat. her amiga], we hit the scene!

The gay bars pretty much looked like dis:

But as you all know, Enrico & I are from the Kelly Clarkson school of sexual relations and don't put our goodies out on display for the world to see. I ain't a yard sale! MARRY ME FIRST. We prefer analyzing pop muzak, crying over poetry, squeezing cats, playing Nintendoz and quoting schtuff that other people don't understand in everyday conversations rather than have sexxxytimez wiff rando guys and be half naked all the time. Here is an accurate photo of us when we hang out:

So you would think we'd be like sharkz outta water @ the bar...but no way José! Us and our crew partied hearty and even @ one point were up on a stage screaming along to "My Life Would Suck Without You" while dancing and embarrassing ourselvez in front of the entire world impressing the entire world with our dashing good looks and slick moves.

Twas a great time and it makes me quite self-satisfied to know that I can have fun and embrace dIffEreNt aZPecTs Of QuEeR LiFe while not jeopardizing my personality [feat. morals]. Oh! And I also ran into Chris D. as well! Huzzah for PuntabuCameos randomly taking place in mi vida!

Sorry for the unfocused blah blah blahness of dis entry. I'm in that weird post-drinking-not-hung-over-but-mildly-blurry phase (Serial, I went to the grocery store this morning and found myself clutching a block of cheese and blankly staring @ in for two minutes), so I think I am gonna go for a run to get my mind back into gear.

Hope you all have had a fantastico weekend so far!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Sniff, sniff...BARF!

They are handz down one of my least favorite things in the entire mundo. I'm serial, you guyz. I'd rather spoon out my eyebawlz wiff an ice cream scoop watch an entire season of Law & Order: Special Snore Brigade Unit then have to share close proximity with these. They're pretty much the single most obnoxiously repulsive and abrasively disturbing thing to ever crawl up from the depthz of hell and invade our abused planet...

...I am talking of course about STINK BUGS. Their full name is Pentatomoidea which is science blabber for "smelly butthole" or sumfing along those linez. If you haven't had the ill-misfortune of stumbling upon these little pestz, then consider yourself Britney Spears' second single off of her sophomore album!

Like their name implies, these demonz drag your nose holez down to hell (not in the awesome way), but their smell isn't blatantly vom-worthy like rotting poopz or burnt cat fur. If it was, I'd just empty an entire bottle of Glade Fresh Laundry Room Spray whenever one these little fart monsterz had a leak.

But no, the odor that escapes these fuckers is a more smothering kind of smell. It would best be described as a musky B.O. stench that has fermented in a gym locker for a year. It starts off light and you think for a hot minute that you might have forgotten to put on deodorant that morning. But the crap festival aroma grows in pungency exponentially, till you're swimming in a cloud of this demon spray and you reek of it for the rest of your life [read as: the day or until you shower and change your ropa].

Just look @ how sad these insectoz make my harem of grrrlfriendz (and yes, that is Jessie Spano behind P. Hilton, screaming and totez not being so excited for this stink-shower):

These little bastardoz run rampant in mi casa (durhz...I live in the forest) and I make it my duty to kill their azzez as fast as possible. But it ain't e-z! I've tried squashing them but that for obvz leadz to unsavory results. I've tried shewing them out my window, but that leads to them getting pissed that I'm swatting in their direction, consequentially leading to toxic contamination. I've tried wishing them away, but then I remember that wishing is for wienisez. I've tried doing NUFFIN', but the artardo bugz still fly into my lamp, get freaked out by the heat/light, and then fart away wiffout any provocation from mahself!

So basically my life blowz whenever they are around. And they are around all the time. So my life blowz ALL. THE. TIME. Please feel bad for me and help me outta this spiraling tornado of stinktastico depression! Have you ever done battle with these nasty hoz?! If so, how did you end your misery?! Please don't tell me that suicido is the only answer! ::criez:: ::suffocatez on stench::

Monday, May 10, 2010

My Monday Muse

Britney Spears

This spicy little mamacita really needz no introduction. If you don't know who Britney Spears is, then you really should check the calendar, cuz chances are you live in a boring, lameazz time period [aka anyting pre-1999]. BritBrit is the epitome of modern day pop, and whether that's a good ting or a bad ting, there's no denying that grrrlfriend for def def defferz has some power over us all.

Oh, don't be a pretentious little snickerpuss...I know you've all fantasized about seducing your professorz while singing "...Baby One More Time." I know you've all dance around in front of the bathroom mirror in nuffin' but your home-grown sprouts to "Toxic." I know you've all cried yourself to sleepz for a month straight to "Everytime" (or was that just me?). Admit it, B. Spears has some catchy jams and a failure to admit that will leave me to only assume you hate fun...and who could possible hate FUN?!

But aside from the glitz, glamor and glitter (in the air), Britney has gone through a rough couple of yearz. And that's why this week's Monday Muse will take a look @ Britney during her trashiest of momentz.

An artist, a model and an equestrian-enthusiast, Britney is a down-to-Earth, well-rounded beauty qwueeeen, even when she's @ her shitnastiest! So she likes to take a few sniffz of daddy's magic powda. So she drinks a wittle of the hard schtuff once in awhile. So she enjoys a good slab of bacon [feat. genitalia] on occasion. GIVE HER AN EFFING BREAK! LEAVE BRIIIIIITNEY ALONE! It's so e-z for wieners to criticize celebrities (trust me, I'm one of those wienies), but chut uh! YOU never recorded "Stronger" aka one of mah FAVO POP SONGZ EVER.

So I hope this entry has made you all a tinsy bit more sympathetic to the plight of the legendary Ms. Britney Spears. You'd go batshit, head-shaving, lesbian-kissing crazzzy too if Rumer "I Don't Do Anything" Willis was hunting your nalgaz down!

P to da S: Isn't Gerald cute?!

Sunday, May 9, 2010


I know that the day is half over, but fuck off...some of us had to work MoThEr'S dAy bRunCh @ our former places of employment that begged us to help out when they were understaffed. So please forgive me for posting dis now pretty much pointless Mother's Day post so late.

Anywayz, I hope you spent the day eating cake and hugging your madres to the point of broken ribz! I celebrated my mother's special dia yesterday wiff mah sisterz @ my parent's house. We ravaged a platter of (diet) lasagna, watched Behind the Music: P!nk on VH1 (I swurrr only I my momma wanted to watch it), reminisced about cherished timez gone by [aka embarrassed stories about us kids], threw presents at my mom and fell asleep while watching Sam's Lake [aka one of the worst movies I've ever seen]. I hope you did sumfing nice for your matriarchal birth-giver and if you ARE a mommy, then I send you a virtual hug and a shot of tequila, cuz lordy knows that being a mom is not an easy jerb!

Now please chut up enjoy this virtual Mother's Day card (isn't the guy in the Tool t-shirt/effed-up yellow tie really cute?!):

Friday, May 7, 2010

Ugly Dogs

"...I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people. Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on 'play dates,' or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade." - Chelsea Handler

I can admit when I have a problem. I can admit when tingz start to get outta hand. And I can admit when I need to acknowledge mah issuez and face da world. A few dayz ago, I posted My Monday Muse and wrote yet another entry about my favo animal, CATZ. Being as it was prox my millionth post of mine where I shamelessly adored every single ting feline-related under el sol, I feel like I might be alienating certain bloggy amigoz of mine that would rather listen to Lindsay Lohan's hit debut album 'Speak' poke out their own eardrumz wiff toofpickz than be within a mile of a gato.

So that's why I decided to be Mr. FairSquare and post an entire entry about poochez! Yes, it's pupparoni mayhem here @ Josh Is Trashy! To celebrate, I thought I would paste some gorge pickz of some truly beautiful [read as: unhappy and absurdly abused] dogz that have been dolled up all for our viewing pleasure. Huzzah for borderline illegal grooming contests!

"I eat so much fowl, I shit feathers." - Brendad Ickson

"When I saw the chickens I yelled, 'Are you my dinner yet?' I said, 'Hurry up and be my dinner!'...Chicken dinners makes me stronger so I can yell louder." - TV Dinner Factory

"People of the world, PAY ATTENTION TO ME. Everything I say and do is very important and artistic. I'm basically Andy Warhol. I'm a real artist. And bisexual, or some weird alternative new age bullshit crap sexuality that I just invented. Look at this wastefully expensive and grotesquely hideous outfit I'm wearing. Aren't I just SoOoO different?! My music isn't generic electro-dance pop, I swurrr. It's ART. Promzeeeez!" - Lady Gaga

"I'm a sad panda." - Sexual Harassment Panda

"Poor unfortunate souls, in pain, in need." - Ursula

If you'd like to see more artistic expressionz [read as: dogs wishing to die], click HERE.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I don't speak. I'm sorry.

I read a good number of bookz a year. Since graduating college (becuz I iz MuY intELLigEnterz!) I haven't read as many libroz as I once did, but I still average about one month. And I just finished one of the best novelz I've read in a LOOOOOONG time...

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

YAY! If you don't know who Jonathan Safran Foer is then I feel SO BAD for you! He is a contemporary author that pushes boundaries, engages his readers and is setting the bar higher than high for all his fellow writers! Lovez him! He wrote that book Everything is Illuminated that was raped adapted into a mediocre bullshit movie [feat. Frodo Bagginz]. I read that book in college and lurrrved it, so I thought, why the shit not get his second book?! Well, I did...and it was totez worth it!

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close is the story of an adolescent boy named Oskar who finds a key hidden in his late father's closet. His father was killed in the September 11th attacks, and Oskar sets about the five boroughs of Nueva Nueva to try and find the lock that his papa's mystery llave fits into. There are juicy laughz, salty tearz and all the decadent tingz that come between. AND THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY ABOUT THE PLOT. I fear I may give away too many of the vunderville itty bitty details that make the story sweetly (yet sadly) derrriciouz!

But it isn't just the great plot premise and moving passagez that seduced me like a st00pid slut, it's the narration of the precociously adorable Oskar! He was sassy. He was sensitive. He spoke his mind, yet was the definition of "emotionally vulnerable." Yeah, so basically he was me. Constantly throughout da story, Oskar would spew out quotez that I felt belonged tucked under mah very own tongue! Por ejemplo:

"Even though it was an incredibly sad day, she looked so, so beautiful. I kept trying to figure out a way to tell her that, but all of the ways I thought of were weird and wrong."

"On my way out, Stan said, 'What a day!' I said, 'Yeah.' He asked, 'What's on the menu?' I showed him the key. He said, 'Lox?' I said, 'Hilarious, but I don't eat anything with parents.'"

'I love that,' I told her, and not just because I wanted her to like me. 'You love what?' she asked. I pointed at the picture. 'Thank you,' she said. 'I like it, too.' 'I said I loved it.'"

Life is impossible...I'm constantly emotional...Right now I'm feeling sadness, happiness, anger, love, guilt, joy, shame, and a little bit of humor, because part of my brain is remembering something hilarious...I'm feeling everything."

I turned on the radio and found a station playing 'Hey Jude.' It was true, I didn't want to make it bad. I wanted to take the sad song and make it better. It's just that I didn't know how."

It's like looking through (reading?) a literary mirror of mahself! Just like Everything Is Illuminated, the book uses a variety of devicez to break the fourth wall and make the reading experience interactive and more than just werdz on papel.

So do you lovez it? Then go buy it and sumo smash your eyeballz into the pagez. Incrediskatez! Oh...and if you got this far and actually read dis post, then I give you five high-fives and a million "tank you"s...I feel like mah book postz are always the least loved! Much appreciated!

Monday, May 3, 2010

My Monday Muse

Le Duo Des Chats

It's the age-old pregunta. Cats vs. Dogs. Everyone not only has a favorite, but a very adamant love of one and thus intense hatred of the other. As everyone knows, I am a cat person. Dogs are cool with me (except for the choice one or two from my past that have tried to end me), but I just jump, jive 'n' wail wiff gatoz more.

See, I think dogs are sweet and loyal, but their intense never-ending rocketboosts of energy would for def def defferz drive me to the brink of insanity. I lurrrve gatoz for their laid-back, affectionate-yet-not-desperate demeanor that always has a spoonful or two of bitchy superiority [aka like mahself].

But to any of you (cold-hearted) bloggy personaz out there that's don't te gusta felinez, I thought I would try and woo your anti-souls wiff a classical tribute to the beauty y wonder of nature's favo animal. (P to da S, I know classical music is Snore City U.S.A., but just give this week's muse a chance.)

Just how dis video made me not hate classical boring azz muzak, I hope it made YOU misinformed readerz finally realize the brilliancy of the feline existence. I wish the audience would chut the fuzz up...STOP LAUGHING SO LOUDLY, THAT'S MY JERB!

What's even better than the fact that some composer (named Rossini Fettuccine Linguine Marini Bikini) created an entire piece made of meowz is how the blond cholito is dead-serial all the way through while his counterpart is cracking the shit up every 2 secondz.

If I had a great singing voice Since I have a great singing voice, part of me wants to train Hermanita, Mowgli & Baberz to sing and harmonize so we could put together a quartet arrangement of dis jam. But I know damn well that after the first meow was uttered, I would start violently convulsing on the floor in a fit of hysterix and wailing.

Huzzah! Classical music is lame anymo'!