Wednesday, April 14, 2010

A Taxing Terror

So it's that time of the year ago. No, not the first day of school and no, not Xtinamas. It's TAX TIME! ::booooo:: ::hisssss:: Yes, tomorrow is Tax Day where everyone's dreamz don't come to troofz, unless you're one of those lucky folkz that get refundz.

Now, I used to be one of those blessed individualz who were receive a nice chunk of cheez in the shape of a couple hundred dollaz, but that was back when I still was a unda-the-table-tip-mongering-server-slut. Now that I have to claim all mah moniez [feat. rando tax blah blah blahz that aren't funny and I don't care enough to explain]
, I owe NJ state and the Fedz prox a million buckaloonz [the Over-exaggeration is Mah Best Friend Remix]. That makez me feel like this:

But I almost didn't file mah taxez dis season! As you all should know, monetary issuez I tend to ignore because they give me crippling anxiety and bad gas. Howevz, I had an adventure a few weekz ago that kicked my st00pid shinz into gear and got my rumpus on over to an accountant. Here's what went down...down...down...

Since I werk en Nueva Nueva, yet have obligations that keep me living in Dirrty Jerzeee [read as: ain't gotz enough dollaz in my pocket to move to el ciudad], I have to take the bus two times a week, once going into the city on Mondayz and once leaving the city Friday nightz. It was while walking through my home-away-from-home [aka The Port Authority Bus Terminal], that I was drop-kicked into my adventure.

While strutting to my bus one Friday evening [feat. wearing mah Pepaw sunglasses inside and popping my jawline out like a perverted model], I came across a poster of some cholita with a goofyazz grin on her face staring blankly in my direction:

You've got answers? Good. Why does it look like you're completely coated in Tyra's bedazzled vaseline? What kind of nasty animal pr0n are you clutching to your bosom? And what's wiff your sleepy-"I've got a dirty wittle secret"-smile?! Are you getting your hoohah massaged by an anteater?

I spent a good 10 minutes secondz pondering why H y R Blox would pick this pointless nut-bar lady to be their poster ho when there are so many other peepz I'd much rather watch do me mah taxez. Then "Someday (I Will Understand)" came on my MP3 playa and I started thinking about Britney Spears' chillunz instead.

But as I further made my way through the bus station, I started to feel like my azz was being followed...

I have little to no faith in mankind, so of course I assumed that this neighborly repetition was merely due to some lazy lardbutt's slothfulness and failure to notice that he put the same two posters nexxxt to one another. "People are moronz," I thought as I rolled mah ojoz and glided on past these identical twin tweedledumz. But then I looked up...

Um. Stop. What struck me even more than this bitch'z unwavering gaze was how no other effing persona walking around the Port Authority seemed to notice that this chica was EVERYWHERE! I then began to ponder whether or not it was I who was going mad. As I always do when I am scurrred, I started to run (in an attempt to find a hidden crevice I could curl up and cry in). I nearly fell down the escalator and broke my face off when I saw this...

I scooterboarded mah nalgaz deep into the dark and mysterious trenchez [read as: the first floor] of the bus terminal to see if I could escape the naggytime bullshit of this governmental succubus. I ducked around a corner...

BE GONE YOU FINANCIALLY INFORMATIVE YET MONSTROUSLY REDUNDANT DEMON!!!

I started to run just as fast as I could, to the middle of nowhere, to the middle of my frustrated fears, I swear. Yet, I couldn't shake this ugly monkey woman off mah back!

Seriously. WHAT. THE. FUCK?! I was in a whirlwind of disbelief. Nuffin' made sense. Hot was cold. Yes was no. In was out. Up was down. Wrong was right. Black was white. Fighting and breaking up was kissing and making up! Then I died. Then I got resurrected. When I awoke, they had me surrounded...

They started closing in. I screamed for them to back off. I promised I'd do mah taxxxez. I begged and farted and wailed and wimpered like a little gringa. They. Just. Kept. Moving. In...

And then I remembered the peppa spray mi madre gave me when I first went off to college, so I wouldn't have my virtues forcibly soiled by drunken pedophilez! So I ripped the spicy Medusa-strength nectar outta mah pocket and knocked out all those hoz stone-cold!

Well, you better effing believe that the nexxxt day I was in my family accountant's office, having him fix my life! I sent off what I owed last weekend and can finally breathe easier!

So let that be a lesson to you! If you haven't filed your taxxxez yet, you better do it tomorrow. If not, you might just be faced wiff a never-ending barrage of cheeky cholitaz wiff dollar store eyeglasses and waxy weave! BeWaRe!!11!!11!one!!1!

15 comments:

Chris D. said...

So is your family accountant H&R Block? If not, I guess their ads didn't quite do what they intended. ;)

I started my taxes months ago. Once I knew where I stood I let them linger until last week. I like to do them myself (with computer software) because it makes me feel like I am in control.

I seem to recall that you are not extremely politically minded, but you may want to know that bus and train fares are heading up in May by up to 25% due an interesting intersection of politics and economics.

Dave2 said...

I FILED! I FILED! I FILED!

Please don't send the evil tax lady after me!

tornwordo said...

I can't believe nobody mustached the bitch!

Tam said...

In Canada we get until April 30 and if you're getting a refund (I am, having a child to claim helps mightily) they don't really care if you ever file because that means they get to keep the money they owe you. I really should get it done this week because Visa is waiting impatiently for my refund.

That is freaky the sheer scope of that woman's presence in the bus station.

john said...

tornwordo has a great point.

My taxes were done and returned to me in February.

Polt said...

Your mom gave you pepper spray when you went off to college? Seriously? Where was your college, in the projects? :)

I used to always do my taxes myself (thank you 1040EZ form). But since I bought the house, I thought I should have a professional do it.

So I got a $1700 refund from the Fed, Owed PA $4 (due to interest on my money market) and owed the local guys about $400.

So i still came out ahead about $1300. I enjoy tax season, cause I love my refunds!

HUGS...

john said...

Polt, wait until next year, you should get a much healthier refund now that you own a house.

Michelle M. said...

You are hysterical. Love the last photo.
I think I may have nightmares about her tonight.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Chris D: No, I didn't go to H&R block. And why are you telling me about the bus prices?! Why are you trying to make me cry?!!?

Dave2: Phew! You just escaped the glossy plastic smirk of Satan-reincarnated! Good job!

TornWordo: Serial. I feel like at least a donkeypunch was in order.

Tam: Hmmmz...maybe I should have [read as: kidnap] a child so I get some moniez back from the Fedz...lightbulbs are going off.

Polt: No, she didn't actually give me pepper spray. She just told me to not be a st00pid slut, and I've stayed true to her werdingz! And how the fuck did you get $1300 back?! I smelly funny business.

Michelle: I just hope you and Harry filed your shit! If not, you might wake tonight to smell of cheap gaggy perfume and be airbrushed to death by Madam Cholita Taxberger!

Anonymous said...

I owed 22 bucks to the state this year (first time I ever owed money) but am receiving a nice chunk from federal...witch will be quickly eaten up by all the crap that needs to be done to my car! Grrrrr! Maybe I can save some of it to do at least a little fun clothes shopping that I have not done since gift card time from the holidays!

-Cindy

Anonymous said...

Seriously though...what is up with all of those posters?! That is psychotic poster stalking if I ever saw one...I'm glad you made it through ok. As if tax anxiety isn't bad enough! Good post!

-Cindy

Ryan said...

Note to self: Do not mess with Josherz and his Medusa spray.

I got my refund back a while ago. I actually would prefer to have them take less money from my paychecks each month, but I'm too lazy to fix it.

Tam: Our IRS is prohibited from taking more money than you owe.

madtexter ☺☺☺☺☺☺ (corey james) said...

Josh,

Your are the master. This is too funny. I did my taxes on Tuesday via Turbo Tax online. Took me about 30 minutes or so, and to my surprise, I'm getting a refund this year that I can use to buy stuff and get taxed on it again. It's a vicious bitchy cycle. I love America.

And Port Authority is scary enough without having to look at Ugly Betty's twin sister.

David said...

I owed less this year, but I cannot remember the last time I got a refund. It has been almost a decade. And I don't earn squat.

mkf said...

clever post.