Monday, April 19, 2010

My Monday Muse

Commercial Peepz Selling Me Crap

Here's the problem wiff me folkz...I HATE spending mah hard-earned (whore) moniez on anything! Even food! I'd rather starve than spend $$$ on comida (it keepz me thin aka the goal of mah vida!). But then I see commercialz on the televisor and my mind become aswept in a whirlpool of unnecessary cravingz and unvalidated desirez! It's an illness!

Then I become all stucked-in-da-mud between frivolously purchasing shit I really don't need and keep my precious few Benjamin Franklin's safely stowed in my sweaty palm. Oh what to do, what to do?! I know that commercials are crafted to seduce viewers in the same way Rhonetta effortless seduced our earz...but yet they answer so many questions and seem to solve so many of my problemaz that it seemz like I won't be able to survive wiffout dem. That's why this week's Monday Muse is gonna highlight two examplez of how marketing taught me so much about myself that I feel (almost) obligated to buy a year's worth of their overpriced productz.

The Old Spice Studathon



So that's why I can't ever seem to get a grrrlfriend! I've been going about this heterosexxxy thing ALL WRONG [read as: not at all]. I thought that the key to getting a lady to shine her naughty red spotlight on my twizzler stick was to treat her wiff respect and love her unconditionally!

WRONG! I iz soooo artarderedskatez! To get a chica jonesin' for la mantequilla de mis pantalonez I have to a) learn how to teleport her azz to places that are exotic [feat. expensive]; b) not think that it's too late for me and mah white horse to come around; c) be a black man; d) make diamondz, boring ballet tix, chocolate, cleaning products, ugly flower hats and whateva other st00pid schtuffz women adore appear out of nowhere [feat. preferably via mystery clam]; and e) degrade my own masculinity wiff hetero-normative gender stereotypez that claim certain smellz, colors, ideas or preferences are "for men" while otherz are "para mujeres."

Now all you glittery bloggy gayz that are reading...follow these rules and go out thurr and pregger-upper some salty hoz!


The Kotex EveryGrrrl



And to think I have spent the entire 24 yearz of my life being utterly horrified by the existence on tamponz. Bloody and soaking and fermenting...UG...SICK! I hate how everyone quotes (yet tinkz they're the first ever) that line from South Park about not trusting sumfing that bleeds for five weeks and doesn't expire, but it's totez how I feel! Scary CITY! Then I hear that this rancid raspberry 'gina fart is actually from an EGG?! RUINED BREAKFAST FOR ME!

But then this commercial came along and this racially ambiguous [read as: socially comforting] beauty queen twirlz into mi vida to clear everything up for me. 'Ponz aren't to be feared! They're to be cherished. They aren't dirrrty and gross! If so, then how can this tall, slender temptress and her complete white wardrobe and porcelain monocolor abode stay blotch-free?! If periodz turned ladiez into monstrous demonic Cloverfield monstaz, then how can this sweet mild-mannered 18-10-24 year-old female remain so calm and alluring [feat. dynamic cutting & editing jawline posing]?!? If the monthly shedding of their non-babiez makez them all lazzzy and bloated, then how can mamacita here exercise, play cheerleader and spread dandelion weedz wiffout sweating an ocean?!

Answer me those questionz, seƱors...yeah, got nuffin', right? So the nexxxt time you wanna heave thinking about that lady problem all of us hombrez shiver @, just remember how pretty and pure that lady is and everything will be alright. Promise.

15 comments:

BOSSY said...

Bossy doesn't talk Feminine Products. Ew.

Michelle M. said...

I'm sorry - I can't get past the studathon. Can I vote for the Old Spice Guy? He's got tickets to that thing I like.

Mel said...

My freshman college roommate thought he could get the ladies by covering up his BO [feat. stinky feetz] with liberal applications of Old Spice and English Leather. Both at the same time. Now he's 42, giving "shout outs to all the ladies" on FB, still single, and likely still a virgin [feat. Rosey Palm].

Dave2 said...

It's not working... maybe if she were naked.

Tam said...

A guy with a horse and diamonds? I'm in. I love those Old Spice commercials. I like the smell too, at least I used to. haven't sniffed it in a long time.

On the other, I'm with Bossy. Not to be discussed in polite company, or the people on this blog, either one. Those commercials are good though.

john said...

The ads are hysterical.

I dislike scented hygiene products. If it were up to me, none of them would have scents.

Periods don't scare me. I'll spare you the details, but basically, you get used to them.

Ryan said...

I wish I had magic teleporting and item creation powers.

john: If I got a period, I would probably be pretty freaked out, but maybe that's just me.

Lora said...

scented period products? smell like period. srsly. anyone female worth her salt can detect that odor from a mile away.

and eggs? eggs = chicken periods. think of that tomorrow morning.

john said...

Ryan: I don't have one myself, but again, to spare the weak of constitution and keep the decorum for the Ladies (Tam and Bossy) I'll spare the details. Suffice to say Von Willebrand disease.

Polt said...

I never got to the second one because 1) femamine hygiene products are icky and 2) I can't take my eyes off the first one. Seriously, if I EVER find a hot black guy that can turn oyster shells into diamonds, he's all mine!

I won't look at another man, except to look at the black stud and then back to them and then back to the black stud!

HUGS...

Tam said...

I'm refusing to google that John because I have a feeling I'll need therapy after, or a unicorn chaser at the very least. Lets not discuss cramps. Ugh. Uterine ablation never looked so good.

Ryan said...

Tam: Have some unicorn chaser:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTxW3GWZ5hI

john said...

Tam: It's really not that bad to read, but difficult to live with.

Ryan: That video was cute. I thought it was cute when the vacuum pushed the kitten, until I saw when one of them fell off.

Tam said...

Awww. Cute. I so want one of those vacuums.

Craig said...

I love that Old Spice commercial. The one wear his third arm comes out and punches his other arm freaks me out though.