Monday, March 29, 2010

My Monday Muse

[Hey there mah gloriouz little bloggy babiez! Rise & shine! Scrub the sleep from your precious little peeperz and get your stretches outta the way, cuz it's time to vote for your Favo Monday Muse of March! We have five deserving contestants and I want you gringoz to concentrate real hard to pick da most deserving. Make sure your voice is heard by voting @ the bottom of this post. Remember, your life dependz of dis!]

the CheezBurglar

I don't eat fa(s)t food that often. It makes me feel uncomfortably lumpy and after living wiff healthnut Shawn for nearly two yearz, I've been exposed to all sorts of disconcerting info about how processed and awful it can be for your insidez. Basically, a single burger at a fast food joint is comprised of meat from hundreds of cows that are all killed and mixxxed together under cost-effective [read as: dirrty & not derrrrriciouz] conditionz. The cows aren't taken care of and are oftz sick as hell when they are slaughtered. So not only is the meat largely unsanitary and diseased, but then chemicals and faux-flavoring is injected into the dead animal which explains why whenever I eat one of these garbage pattiez, I have to jump into the baño not even an hora later.

But there are some peepz that lurrrrrrrve it unwaveringly and will stop @ NUFFIN' to get their artificial beef addiction satisfied. Clearly, this d00d below is suffering from withdrawal. I tink an intervention may be in order.

Some peepz fall into lurrrve wiff other people. Some folkz get all hearty for their petz. Some personaz have deep emotional bondz with their families. And then there are some drunken psychos inspired individualz that adore cow flesh. Guess which one Mr. Cheezburglar here is!

According to the gentleman who introduces the video, this kind of swelling affection only takes place in Texas, thus giving me another reason to crave a vacation [read as: stay completely away from] that glorious state. I don't think this guy is asking for too much. I mean, all he did was request a cheezburger [feat. a french fry] and when it wasn't immediately lobbed into his sweaty gob, he did what any self-respecting member of society would do: He started cussing out rando peepz that had nuffing to do with the situation that aggravated his pelotaz.

Some meanie weenie [read as: my personal hero] that the Cheezburglar was belching at then begins to pick @ Mr. Burglar's open wound of burger-less sadness by frothing over how derrriciouz his food is.

Being a civilized and completely sober patron, Mr. Burglar threatens to whoop azz, attempts to whoop azz, gets a whooped azz himself and then exposes his whooped azz [feat. almost p33n] for the entire mundo universe to gawk at (and then vom over).

And not only is Mr. Burglar booked a third-class ticket to Boo Hoo Central, but then Paul Wall closez out the video cackling @ this unfortunate spectacle of downright abuse. I tink whichever fast food chain dis is needz to hurl a year's worth of cheeeeeeezeburger coupons @ this delicate soul. Burgerholix are people too, and they bruise just like the rest of us.


Who is your Monday Muse of March 2010?!

Strawberry Shortcut?
Movie Concessionz?
News Anchors?
this week's the Cheezburglar?


David said...

Wow, usually I have sympathy for loser-type folks who live sad and pathetic lives, but I have no sympathy whatsoever for this pathetic individual. And props to wrestler dude for trying to subdue the beast.

Michelle M. said...

Movie Concessionz! I couldn't make it through the Cheezburglar video.

adam said...

My Cheezburger tastes goooood! Hahaha great video but i gotta go with News Anchors. ARE YOU DONE? TELL ME YOU'RE DONE. That is American!! YAY!

Justin said...

Since nobody else has said it:

"i can haz cheezburger?"

(And not only do you HAVE gatoz, Josh, but you've even been CALLED a "real-life lolcat" -- not to mention illiterate -- if memory serves.)

Yep, I stopped eating fast food a looooonnnng time ago. And if I ever break down (like if I'm on the road and starving and my blood-sugar is crashing & I'm desperate), I usually feel pretty sick after going off the no-junk-food wagon.

Now I have yet *another* reason not to eat fast food. The chance of running into a yahoo like this guy. I dunno about the "only in Texas" idea. We've got some pretty nutty people all our own here in the Northeast...

Did Shawn make you read Fast Food Nation?

Milo said...

I stopped eating fast food some years back for similar reasons to those given in the post. Also didn't eat chicken or lamb any more and have never eaten veal. I eat pork and beef and fish. I am not a big meat eater though. I am also somewhat OCD about where the meat comes from. I have to know it was properly and responsively reared.

PS Having said that, I do eat and LOVE fish & chips (the good quality kind) which I spose can be considered fast food.

Polt said...

They say only in America like it's a good thing. It's true, only in America would this happen, but that's nothing to be proud of.


Mel said...

Oh noes! It says "video has been removed". :-(

I haven't had a cheezburger since at least June of 1993. Public Health rotation, slaughter plant visits, 'nuff said.

Ray Avito said...

This is a tough vote! I'll go with Movie Concessions, cuz I thought it was some kind of wonderful. *I had to break out News Anchor Sue's line while watching Coco*

Will there be an occasion when I'll be able to use "...received a Ludwig-like reception..."?

Tam said...

I got the video Mel. Maybe it's just your computer trying to save you the grim reality of it.

I had to go for Movie Concession because it was too delicious and twisted.

john said...

I'm with Michelle M. on this one, what a surprise.

The guy who took the Cheezburglar down knew what he was doing. He could have easily broken the Cheezburglar's arm.

the naughty butternut said...


After carefully reviewing my optionz, I had to go with the fabulous Coco. She is some kind of cross between Tammy Fae Bakker and Zelda Fitzgerald that Naughty just can't get past. She puts the fun in dysfunctional. And that Zsa Zsa Gabor accent. That is just the cherry on the cococake.

Anonymous said...

Crap, where the hell is my comment?? Well, I posted a comment and it's gone.

So I will leave a shortened version:

1. Give the guy a cheeseburger already and shut him up.

2. I have written off McD's, Burger King, and the like but still occasionally crave a burger with curly fries from the RAT. Usually at that time of the month and I dare anyone to try to stop me.

3. Not all "fast food" can be bad, I've seen and ate at many healthy food and snack bars and are soooo good. And once, while camping in Maine I once ate at this literal lobster shack (complete with plastic-ware and rickety wooden tables). You can order a whole freshly caught lobster with butter sauce. The best.


that's J-O-S-H said...

David: Drunk, fat & loud is your idea of an ideal mate?! I'm in mad trubz then.

Michelle: Remember, Michelle...only do it if you REALLY NEED TO.

Adam: I'll whoop all of yo azzez [aka fall on the ground and fart everywhere].

Justerz: I didn't read it, but I was in the same room as Shawn when he was watching it on his lappytop!

Milo: Innnnneresting! I rarely eat beeeefz, mainly cuz our bodies aren't designed to easily digest cow meatz. I always feel preggerz after eating a burger too. And I HATE children!

Polt: I totally hear ya on that.

Mel: Oh dear! Check it out HERE.

Ray: There are at least 10 timez a dia that I repeat Sue's geniuz inquiry while walking through the subwayz of Nueva Nueva. It's become like a mantra to me.

Tam: Oh yes it is. And Miss Tamathon, if you haven't watched "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" then you really must. It's just more of that crude, rude, absurd cartoon foodie goodness that you find to be soooo tastiful!

John: Omg...he would have totez eaten it thinking it was like a jumbo-size popcorn shrimp or sumfing.

Butternut: Look @ me enjoying myself watching you watch me enjoying myself! Grrrlfriend is probz a psychiatric scholar [read as: patient].

Cindy: By "Fa(s)t food" I don't mean, like a snack on the go. I mean the greasy unhealthy crap that this lardazz in the video is wailing about.

madtexter ☺☺☺☺☺☺ (corey james) said...

The Cheezburglar hands down is the hotmessiest mess of all. Love it. Gotta love St. Patty's Day. It makes the freaks look normal.

Justin said...

Josherz -- Fast Food Nation the movie is actually almost entirely unrelated to Fast Food Nation the book. Which is very confusing. The book not only talks about how meat is processed (in such a way that it makes you never want to eat again) but also talks a *lot* about how the workers are treated in the meat packing industry, which is, to put it mildly, inhumane and 19th century. People having to pee in their pants on the "assembly line" because they're not allowed to take bathroom breaks; people who cut themselves and still have to keep working, bleeding into the meat; illegal aliens who are deliberately hired by the management because they are cheap and won't complain about working conditions. Plus, notice that when the INS does these illegal alien busts, they only round up the workers: they never arrest the corporate executives who knowingly hire these people: in fact, if the government really did want to make an effort to shut down the illegal alien situation, they would *have* to go after the employers, who are pretty much all Republicans and big Republican contributors. And if they did so, our entire food industry would collapse and food prices would skyrocket. Don't get me wrong: I don't even BELIEVE in the whole "illegal alien" concept -- I don't believe in criminalizing people who are just trying to make a living; bottom-line, everybody on this continent of European ancestry is fundamentally an "illegal alien" when you get down to it. I'm just pointing out the hypocrisy of the Republicans who use the rallying cry of "illegal aliens" (in direct contravention of the Bible they love to quote so much, which makes inhospitality to foreign travellers one of the gravest sins there is, and is the sin for which Sodom and Gomorrha were destroyed), even though the food industry relies on being able to exploit these same illegal aliens to make their profits.

I believe in organic farming, and in local food as much as possible. I'd love to see our food industry organized away from mass production and towards local farming. I am mindful, however, that this would be much more expensive than the current system. On the other hand, the government gives subsidies to lots of things we don't need (sugar, corn), so maybe we could stop subsidizing those things and instead subsidize small local farmers instead of agribusiness, to make local affordable.

As for beef vs chicken vs pork vs fish. At home I only eat organic meat, because (a) organic meat isn't pumped full of hormones and antibiotics, and (b) organic farming is more humane.

In a restaurant I try to avoid meat, but when I do eat meat when eating out, I only eat beef and wild fish. Cattle are the LEAST inhumanely farmed animals, in fact. Non-organic chicken is raised so inhumanely it is almost impossible to bear to think about it, so inhumanely that they are constantly sick and therefore they are pumped full of loads of antibiotics, including some very, very potent antibiotics that have neurological and muskuloskeletal side-effects on some people (like me). Pigs are the next most inhumanely farmed, and are also pumped full of antibiotics.

I also avoid farmed fish, because they are also given too many antibiotics. I eat wild fish. Non-organic beef isn't perfect, but in my book it is the least of all evils when it comes to non-organic farmed meats, and at least cattle aren't fed as much antibiotics as poultry or pork.

Justin said...

By the way -- we have Temple Grandin to thank for the improvements made to the beef industry. She is autistic, but high-functioning, and has a PhD. She has written some cool books. She has a high understanding of animal behavior because as an autistic person she sees the world differently from most people. McDonalds and the other fast food chains hired her to help them clean up the slaughterhouses they used: she took the corporate executives on tours of the slaughterhouses and the executives were so horrified that they agreed to insist on the changes she recommended. Since McDonalds and the other fast-food chains are the biggest consumers of the slaughterhouses' product, they were able to dictate terms, and cattle are farmed *much* more humanely now than they used to be, thanks to Dr. Grandin.

Chicken and Pork are out of luck, however. And because everybody has been taught to stay away from red meat because of the cholesterol issue, chicken especially is overfarmed and overproduced to an insane degree: 90% of the food in most restaurants is chicken-based. This gigantic demand is what has led to the gigantic industrial farming of chickens and to their inhumane conditions. All in the name of people wanting to "eat healthy" by having chicken breast instead of steak. The industry has responded to that demand, with horrible consequences.

I have some semi-vegetarian friends who won't eat beef but will eat chicken. I tell them they have it exactly backwards: true, cows are mammals and chickens birds (so some people feel less empathy for the chickens), but in terms of suffering, it's basically unconscionable to eat non-organic chicken.

Wow. I'm such a downer. I'll get off my soapbox now :-)

Justin said...

Oh, and it was a tough call. I hesitated between Coco and the Concession Stand for a while before pulling the trigger for the latter. In hindsight I'm kind of regretting my vote. I think I should have picked Coco :-)

Anonymous said...

Josh: Yes, I know that you were referring to the greasy food that is sold as "fast food". I was just trying to make a point that it is time for people in the USA to look beyond the typical fast food places to get their meals in a fast and conveniant way. We live in a society in which people are so rushed that the idea of cooking and preparing your own food is just another thing to add to the "to do list" of the day. It is very sad. However, when one is rushed there are alternatives :-).

The fast food problem in this country is a huge one indeed and is the main contributer of the obesity problem, especially in low income communities. Fast food is also cheap food, and it is nooo coincidence that urban areas are full of every fast food place one can think of. Let's compare the number of fast food places located in and around Trenton to Princeton or Hopewell. One can't deny that the poor in this country are being targeted and suffering for it. I stumbled a while ago (while channel surfing) a woman fighting for programs that are aimed at educating communities on healthy and afordable eating, and community farming/gardening.

Justin: FANTASTIC comments. Well put! I haven't read Fast Food Nation; it is disgraceful how the workers are treated. However, it isn't surprising. This is another example of big business making their money at the expense and abuse of the employees. How far have we come from the days of The Jungle? Sinclair would not be pleased! I believe I have heard about Grandin from Shawn; in fact, I may look her up because I happen to have chosen a research topic on autism and how it affects the senses and perception for a class. I don't think I realized until now hw much that conversation may have influenced my topic choice! Thanks for dropping her name!

I agree that the only way to make real change is for government support instead of mass production. However, this will take much protest against the industries that are making a lot of money and educating the general public. You seem very knowledgeable and caring about the issues, perhaps a book of your own would help! :-) Furthermore, the hypocrisy of Republicans! Well, I can't even go there, as Josh will tell you, once I start I can't stop.


Anonymous said...

Justin: Both you and Shawn should write a book. The health of the nation depends on it! Ummmm, no pressure though.