Sunday, March 7, 2010

And the Oscar Mayer Wiener is...

OMGAWDZ, do I love award season or what?! In what is probably the last important prize ceremony for awhile, the Academy Awards are tonight, and even though I don't gotz a televisor, I'm for def def defferz gonna be repeatedly refreshing this year's show's Wiki page for hours so I can find out the winnerz ASAP. This was a varied year for movies and I had the pleasure of catching quite a few of the films nominated. And though I am psycho-pissed about The Hangover not receiving any nomz as well as the Lamia being snubbed in the Best Supporting Actor category (for his riveting performance in Drag Me to Hell), I am still content in having seen five of the Best Picture nomineez.

Before I go over [feat. an unsatisfiable bias] each flick, let's play a little game. Below is a scan of last week's cover of the New Yorker. See if you can identify each of the 10 Best Picture nominees! Fun...this is just like Highlights magazine!

(Click HERE for the answers, you cheater-pumpkin eater!)

So how did you do? You got them ALL WRONG?! I'm so disappointed contigo! Okay, so here are my opinions of this year's nomineeeeeeez. First, lemme go over the peliculas I actually saw...

An Education - There is no way that this film is gonna win since it's indie and no one except Mr. Pasteeeeeeelnick & I saw it. And it's a shame! It was one of those beautiful-turned-creeptastic filmz that made you clench your jaw and grind your teefz to dust in anxiety! A young grrrl and an old d00d start a relationship wiff each other (...) and some intense shizzz happens and then ::plot twist:: ::plot twist:: ::plot twist:: THE END! Oh, and the lead, Carey Mulligan was supa cute and actually scored a Best Actress nomination! LOVEZ IT!

Avatar - James Cameron's mega CGI-wonderland extravaganza made prox 67 bajillion dollarz in its first second or sumfing like dat. I admit that I went in hating it cuz everyone was blah blah blahing about it, but I must say that I did enjoy it. The effects were great (though the 3-D did give me a case of the headachez) and it was an interesting concept. But it was also quite predictable and it is in no way worthy of the title of Best Picture. A great movie isn't just about effects and's about heart [feat. soul], brilliant acting, originality & all that good shiz Ebert cropdusts over his reviews. To think that it has a chance to get plopped in a box wiff AMAZING films like Gone Wiff da Wind, One Flew Ova da Cuckoo's Nest, Silence of dem Lambz, American Beaaauuuty & No Pais Para Hombres Viejos makes me feel a touch of the vomz.

District 9 - Now this is a Sci-Fi film that I feel deserves the Beast [edit: Best] Picture nomination! Like Avatar, it had a strange concept but unlike the aforementioned, its plot never felt contrived or affected. I feel like this pelicula is Avatar's less pompous younger brother. Like, they both play guitar and Avatar is all lyke "I'm soOoOoO good! Listen to me play 'Stairway to Heaven'," while District 9 is all lyke "I'm decent, I guess," and then BLOWZ HIS BRO OUTTA THE WATER at the high school talent show. Wait...does that make sense? Who cares? Anyway, this film was intense and wild and exciting and it has my second favo ending (just behind Drag Me to Hell...durhz) of any film this year! Soooo melancholy!

Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire - Yes, yes, all know mah feelingz about dis movie. It was heart-wrenching, painful and dramatic and not just because Mariah was forbidden to have her retoucher on set to PhotoShop the crap outta her scenes. I have pimped out dis film about an overweight, st00pid, poor, pregnant, raped black grrrl to every person I know and actually got a handful of them to check it out! Two of them actually made a line from it part of their senior quote in their yearbook! Anywayz, the acting was brillz (Gabourey Sidabidabidabay & Mo-apostrophe-Nique kicked my azz to da mooooon) and I was a filthy, disgusting mess of soggy tearz by the end of it. Just ask Mr. David! I couldn't talk about it for hourz after seeing it and I think it deserves this Best Picture honor above all of dis other flicks.

Up - Speaking of becoming a sloppy sponge of eye-fluidz, this movie had me bawling like Sanjaya's "Crying Grrrl" honestly wiffin da first ten minuntoz of the film. I was able to bark out a few laughs when the old man was mean to the dumb fat kid, but I diligently got right back to sobbing. I thought that the metaphor of the house and the balloonz must have been put together in a GENIUS FACTORY, cuz it had me speechless by the end. I also thought that it was quite unpretentious and cute and one of those movies that is good for PeEpZ oF aLL AgEz! Family Movie Night?! Put this bitch in your DVD player and snuggle up on the couch wiff a Precious-sized bag of poppingcorn and a tree's worth of Kleenex Ultra Soft.

And now a one-sentence summary of what (I think) the remaining five moviez are about...

The Blind Side - Sandra Butthole Bullock saves a sad black kid from being homeless by exploiting his weight to play football [feat. racist undertonez?].

The Hurt Locker - Cameron's ex-wife directs a movie depicting a live-action version of the IMPOSSIBLE bomb-disarming stage in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game on Nintendo.

Inglourious Basterds - Some Quentin Tarantino movie [aka an unapologetic bloodfest] about Nazis and Brad Pitt's uncomfortable mustache.

A Serious Man - A man does some crap and some things happen.

Up In the Air - George Clooney [feat. monster chin] rides in airplanes and doesn't act like a douche for once.

So there we have it folkz! Those are my [read as: the most important] opinions of this year's nominees. Who do you want to win?!


Tam said...

Well, I've seen Avatar, that's it. I agree with your assessment. Special effects do not make a best picture. To be honest I don't really care who wins. I'll be nearly in a coma by the time they get to that award anyway.

Dave2 said...

Ha! I got them all correct and didn't NEED to look at the answers!

Laura said...

I COULD NEVER BEAT THAT DAMN BOMB DISARMING LEVEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! feat. me drowning complex.

Mel said...

Like Tam, I've only seen "Avatar", which was fun, but I prolly would've been less likely to check it out if my cousin's husband (whom I have never actually met but apparently exists, 'cause he has an IMDB listing and stuff) hadn't been one of the steadycam operators. I'm 95% sure we won't be watching the awards tonight. I'm sure I can find out who won tomorrow.

Polt said...

I too have only seen Avatar. And while it had an awesome, award winning look to it, I totally agree with your assessment that it's predictable and therefore, not worthy of the Best Film. I fear however, the oscar will go to it anyway. Just as Sandra Bullock will win because the Academy will go for the sappy instead of the best actress, whomever that may be.

I hope whoever you want to win does. Me, I've got to work tomorrow and have no interest in the bloated, self important, waaaay to long actual show. I'll catch up on winners tomorrow online.

Have fun!


adam said...

I've seen Avatar, District 9, Precious, Up, The Hurt Locker, Inglourious Basterds, and Up In The Air. They were all really good, but Precious really deserves the award. No other movie came close.

the naughty butternut said...

Naughty is locked up in her office tonight missing all the fabulous fashion malfunctionz on la rug rouge. She is also sad to be missing Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin doing their shtick. NOBODY could do better than Ricky Gervais at the Globes, tho. Talk about some derricious awkward moments! Nom nom nom. Naughty will be looking forward to Sweetie's recap.

Michelle M. said...

I want YOU to win. Be famous already.

Justin said...

I've only seen Avatar and District 9 out of the listed films, and I agree with you completely. I enjoyed Avatar, saw it 3 times, and even cried a bit, but District 9 was vastly the better film.

I agree with you completely about The Blind Side. It's amazing how many movies there are about white people saving black people (Mississippi Burning? and even Glory's last frame was with Matthew Broderick, if memory serves.

All I really care about this year is seeing Colin Firth win for A Single Man. That movie is sooooo phenomenal and it made me cry. I know he's gonna lose to Jeff Bridges, though. Bllleeeaahhhh :P

callonmevalerie said...

I saw Precious (feat. crying) and Up In The Air, which I clearly saw because it was about airplanes, and if I were teaming for frequent flyer miles, I would NOT pick American, so FAIL on that part.

Lora said...

so, you know how I'm ADD and OCD and all sorts of other letters? Well, that doesn't leave a lot of time for movie watching because I'm always up and jumping around and taking care of my OC's and AD's.

But this year I actually not only HEARD of some of these movies, but I also SAW (parts of) some of them! This is like a breakthrough year for me!

I never heard of An Education. I'm movie illiterate.

I liked Avatar but it made my belly hurt a little and my brain thought it was watching a cartoon but my eyes thought they were watching something real. I don't like to be tricked and I didn't know it was 80 hours long so that's points off. Also, I saw it in the theater and I hate theaters because there are other people there and it's always cold and loud and I get overstimulated really easily and I can't just push pause and get up and do something else if I get bored. So, more points off for not being at my house.

District 9 made me cry and get angry and I just loved it and I didn't even want to get off my couch. Thumbs up. I think it should win everything.

Precious. I work with real life Precious' every day. That's my job, 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week, blah blah blah. I don't feel like I need to see this movie because I already know the beginning and the middle and the end. I just hope they did it well.

Up. I'm waiting until my boy wants to see this, and we will make a date of it.

The Blind Side. Never heard of it, but I think Sandra is so annoying, and I think she had some bad plastic surgery and I don't want to ever look at her malformed face in anything ever again. She used to be cute. Now it's just sad.

Hurt Locker was so boring it was like watching the same 5 minutes of film over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and I just hated it and suspense? So what? A lot of movies have suspense. I couldn't watch more than the first half and bits and parts of the second. Loser. It had to lose last night, right? People can't like this garbage I assume, because I hated it.

Ungluriuz Bazteartz was funny but not funny and I don't like when things are spelled wrong but those ladies were really pretty and Brad Pitt can be eccentric and cute and I like when he does that and I wonder how things are really going with him and his wife but who cares really and I liked this movie but it wasn't the best movie ever and I probably won't watch it again.

A Serious Man. Never heard of it until last night, when I was clicking through channels and saw that it was a Coen (Cohen?) Brothers film. I usually like them. Maybe I should check this out next time I can't sleep and it's available On Demand.

Up in the Air. I saw a trailer for this. It screamed "come see me if you are middle aged and used to be attractive". It's like that movie with Tim Allen and the motorcycles. Maybe John Travolta was in it, and a black guy too. Martin Lawrence maybe? Was it called Road Hogs? Wild Hogs? I don't know. But it's like that, but for girls. Excuse me. "Women"

That was fun! Thanks. I'm going to get my own blog now instead of trying to take up all the space on yours!

Justin said...

"come see me if you are middle aged and used to be attractive"


As expected, Colin didn't win his much-deserved Oscar. :P Pfeuughh

David said...

Well, commenting after the fact is kind of pointless, but I had a busy weekend and that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

I'm glad Avatar didn't win because while spectacle is great, substance is more important. Now I kind of want to see The Hurt Locker so I can watch the same five minutes over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Justin said...

I want to see the Hurt Locker because of the hot shirtless men in it. Is that wrong? ;-)

Laurie said...

Hey Joshy. I loved Crazy Heart so much I went back and saw it the next day with someone else. I hear Justin though, about Colin in A Perfect Man--he's indescribably good in it ......but Jeff Bridges is just as indescribable. Roles of a lifetime for both of them, with performances of a lifetime that that broke my heart in two. My fave-kind of movie that makes me soooooo sad! I lurv .....

hoteltuesday said...

You haven't seen Tarantino's latest?! OMG my fave filmmaker!! You have to watch all his movies.