Before I go over [feat. an unsatisfiable bias] each flick, let's play a little game. Below is a scan of last week's cover of the New Yorker. See if you can identify each of the 10 Best Picture nominees! Fun...this is just like Highlights magazine!
(Click HERE for the answers, you cheater-pumpkin eater!)
So how did you do? You got them ALL WRONG?! I'm so disappointed contigo! Okay, so here are my opinions of this year's nomineeeeeeez. First, lemme go over the peliculas I actually saw...
An Education - There is no way that this film is gonna win since it's indie and no one except Mr. Pasteeeeeeelnick & I saw it. And it's a shame! It was one of those beautiful-turned-creeptastic filmz that made you clench your jaw and grind your teefz to dust in anxiety! A young grrrl and an old d00d start a relationship wiff each other (...) and some intense shizzz happens and then ::plot twist:: ::plot twist:: ::plot twist:: THE END! Oh, and the lead, Carey Mulligan was supa cute and actually scored a Best Actress nomination! LOVEZ IT!
Avatar - James Cameron's mega CGI-wonderland extravaganza made prox 67 bajillion dollarz in its first second or sumfing like dat. I admit that I went in hating it cuz everyone was blah blah blahing about it, but I must say that I did enjoy it. The effects were great (though the 3-D did give me a case of the headachez) and it was an interesting concept. But it was also quite predictable and it is in no way worthy of the title of Best Picture. A great movie isn't just about effects and graphics...it's about heart [feat. soul], brilliant acting, originality & all that good shiz Ebert cropdusts over his reviews. To think that it has a chance to get plopped in a box wiff AMAZING films like Gone Wiff da Wind, One Flew Ova da Cuckoo's Nest, Silence of dem Lambz, American Beaaauuuty & No Pais Para Hombres Viejos makes me feel a touch of the vomz.
District 9 - Now this is a Sci-Fi film that I feel deserves the Beast [edit: Best] Picture nomination! Like Avatar, it had a strange concept but unlike the aforementioned, its plot never felt contrived or affected. I feel like this pelicula is Avatar's less pompous younger brother. Like, they both play guitar and Avatar is all lyke "I'm soOoOoO good! Listen to me play 'Stairway to Heaven'," while District 9 is all lyke "I'm decent, I guess," and then BLOWZ HIS BRO OUTTA THE WATER at the high school talent show. Wait...does that make sense? Who cares? Anyway, this film was intense and wild and exciting and it has my second favo ending (just behind Drag Me to Hell...durhz) of any film this year! Soooo melancholy!
: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire - Yes, yes, yes...you all know mah feelingz about dis movie. It was heart-wrenching, painful and dramatic and not just because Mariah was forbidden to have her retoucher on set to PhotoShop the crap outta her scenes. I have pimped out dis film about an overweight, st00pid, poor, pregnant, raped black grrrl to every person I know and actually got a handful of them to check it out! Two of them actually made a line from it part of their senior quote in their yearbook! Anywayz, the acting was brillz (Gabourey Sidabidabidabay & Mo-apostrophe-Nique kicked my azz to da mooooon) and I was a filthy, disgusting mess of soggy tearz by the end of it. Just ask Mr. David! I couldn't talk about it for hourz after seeing it and I think it deserves this Best Picture honor above all of dis other flicks.
Up - Speaking of becoming a sloppy sponge of eye-fluidz, this movie had me bawling like Sanjaya's "Crying Grrrl" honestly wiffin da first ten minuntoz of the film. I was able to bark out a few laughs when the old man was mean to the dumb fat kid, but I diligently got right back to sobbing. I thought that the metaphor of the house and the balloonz must have been put together in a GENIUS FACTORY, cuz it had me speechless by the end. I also thought that it was quite unpretentious and cute and one of those movies that is good for PeEpZ oF aLL AgEz! Family Movie Night?! Put this bitch in your DVD player and snuggle up on the couch wiff a Precious-sized bag of poppingcorn and a tree's worth of Kleenex Ultra Soft.
And now a one-sentence summary of what (I think) the remaining five moviez are about...
The Blind Side - Sandra
Butthole Bullock saves a sad black kid from being homeless by exploiting his weight to play football [feat. racist undertonez?].
The Hurt Locker - Cameron's ex-wife directs a movie depicting a live-action version of the IMPOSSIBLE bomb-disarming stage in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game on Nintendo.
Inglourious Basterds - Some Quentin Tarantino movie [aka an unapologetic bloodfest] about Nazis and Brad Pitt's uncomfortable mustache.
A Serious Man - A man does some crap and some things happen.
Up In the Air - George Clooney [feat. monster chin] rides in airplanes and doesn't act like a douche for once.
So there we have it folkz! Those are my [read as: the most important] opinions of this year's nominees. Who do you want to win?!