Wednesday, March 31, 2010


I haven't done a Q+A! entry in quite a long while and I am so utterly sowwy that you folkz have had to wait this long for another. I mean, you probz have so many great tingz to share about yourselves that I am sure you'd lurrrve for me to know. Oh well, I'm sure you survived.

Anywayz...I don't get to watching the televisor too much nowadays. What wiff not having cable, all I really set aside time for is American Idol [aka the blood in mah veinz] that I partake of whenever I force Mr. Pasteeeeeeelnick to let me crash his pad Mr. Pasteeeeeeelnick graciously and of his own accord offerz to let me stay @ his television-equipped place of residence in Brooklyz.

But when I was much younger, I was quite the TV nerd festival. It's utterly a miracle that mis ojos haven't dried up and blown away like dust in da wind, considering the horaz I spent staring blankly into the boobtuberz. Cuz let's be serial, why live when TV can live for you?! Exercising? Nah, I got Baywatch. Making friends? No way, I have Saved By the Bell. Going shopping? Supermarket Sweep, bitchez! Exploring mah sexxxy regionz? Undressed, anyone?! All I ever needed in life I could easily find in that demon box. It wasn't until I got older that I realized what a timesuck TV can be, but before I grew up [read as: got real people resonsibilities...ugh, SICK!], I was also quite dedicated to the mundo of animation, which is why this installment of Q+A! asks...

What Were Your Favorite Childhood Cartoonz?

For mah generation, I feel like there were two kinds of chilledwrenz One group of kidz lurrrved Disney while the other lurrrved Nickelodeon. And since I wasn't a wuss brigade, I obviously partook of the latter. And it was on this glorious channel that I discovered a whole clusterfuzz of characters (tagged the Nicktoonz) that would soon become my most loyal [read as: only] group of amigoz. But let me share wiff you folkz how I remember my favo 'toonz. During my final Sunday double @ the restaurant last month, I got bored waiting for peepz to order, so I drew some of my favorite Nick stars. Letz see how accurately I recalled their appearancez [aka we already know it's gonna be pitiful]...


This show was about some slightly manic depressed loser nerd festival [read as: foreva virgin] named Doug who no one liked and who looked like a lop-sided nutbag.


This show was about a bunch of lil tart babiez that somehow could speak to one another while going on unrealistic adventures where they were completely under-supervised by their obliviouz parental units.

Ren & Stimpy

This show stars a chiuahuahuahua that looked like a mosquito and a cat that looked like a pillow. It was also the source of all of mah twizzzted, vile and inappropriate sensez of humor growing up.

Rocko's Modern Life

This show was about a kangaroo wallaby that had a mentally challenged dawg. He also had a morbidly obese cow friend [no, not Roseanne] who was the greatest fictitious character ever created. Sorry, Holden Caufield.

Aaahh!!! Real Monsters

This show was about a bunch of phallic/unhygienic creatures that ate bugs and tried to scare everyone in the world. Oblina [aka the B&W-striped candy cane wiff googly eyes and whore lips] was mah childhood hero.

So what about you folkz?! What was your absolutely favo fantastico animated cartoon when you were a wee little gringo/a?!

Monday, March 29, 2010

My Monday Muse

[Hey there mah gloriouz little bloggy babiez! Rise & shine! Scrub the sleep from your precious little peeperz and get your stretches outta the way, cuz it's time to vote for your Favo Monday Muse of March! We have five deserving contestants and I want you gringoz to concentrate real hard to pick da most deserving. Make sure your voice is heard by voting @ the bottom of this post. Remember, your life dependz of dis!]

the CheezBurglar

I don't eat fa(s)t food that often. It makes me feel uncomfortably lumpy and after living wiff healthnut Shawn for nearly two yearz, I've been exposed to all sorts of disconcerting info about how processed and awful it can be for your insidez. Basically, a single burger at a fast food joint is comprised of meat from hundreds of cows that are all killed and mixxxed together under cost-effective [read as: dirrty & not derrrrriciouz] conditionz. The cows aren't taken care of and are oftz sick as hell when they are slaughtered. So not only is the meat largely unsanitary and diseased, but then chemicals and faux-flavoring is injected into the dead animal which explains why whenever I eat one of these garbage pattiez, I have to jump into the baño not even an hora later.

But there are some peepz that lurrrrrrrve it unwaveringly and will stop @ NUFFIN' to get their artificial beef addiction satisfied. Clearly, this d00d below is suffering from withdrawal. I tink an intervention may be in order.

Some peepz fall into lurrrve wiff other people. Some folkz get all hearty for their petz. Some personaz have deep emotional bondz with their families. And then there are some drunken psychos inspired individualz that adore cow flesh. Guess which one Mr. Cheezburglar here is!

According to the gentleman who introduces the video, this kind of swelling affection only takes place in Texas, thus giving me another reason to crave a vacation [read as: stay completely away from] that glorious state. I don't think this guy is asking for too much. I mean, all he did was request a cheezburger [feat. a french fry] and when it wasn't immediately lobbed into his sweaty gob, he did what any self-respecting member of society would do: He started cussing out rando peepz that had nuffing to do with the situation that aggravated his pelotaz.

Some meanie weenie [read as: my personal hero] that the Cheezburglar was belching at then begins to pick @ Mr. Burglar's open wound of burger-less sadness by frothing over how derrriciouz his food is.

Being a civilized and completely sober patron, Mr. Burglar threatens to whoop azz, attempts to whoop azz, gets a whooped azz himself and then exposes his whooped azz [feat. almost p33n] for the entire mundo universe to gawk at (and then vom over).

And not only is Mr. Burglar booked a third-class ticket to Boo Hoo Central, but then Paul Wall closez out the video cackling @ this unfortunate spectacle of downright abuse. I tink whichever fast food chain dis is needz to hurl a year's worth of cheeeeeeezeburger coupons @ this delicate soul. Burgerholix are people too, and they bruise just like the rest of us.


Who is your Monday Muse of March 2010?!

Strawberry Shortcut?
Movie Concessionz?
News Anchors?
this week's the Cheezburglar?

Sunday, March 28, 2010

When my therapist is on vacation...

Everyone that readz dis here blog should be well aware of the fact that mah favo ting in the entire world is music. When I am sad/happy/depressed/anxious/jubilant it is also there for me like a loyal best friend who would like me even if I still looked as hideously bizarre as I did back in high school. Yes, it never leavez me and I kinda want to marry it.

Anywayz, this past year has been a staccato roller coaster of good things and bad things and changes and rearranges and ups, downs & all-arounds. I had joy, I had fun, I had seasonz in da sun. I daaaaaanced wiff tearz in mah eyes and I cried, cried, cried en my lonely heart. And what did I turn to when timez got real shetty?! Family & friends MUSIC. Here are three songs written about/performed for me by famous peepz. They are perfect when I need a bolt of sympathetic comfort [feat. a surge if confidence]. Oh, they know me sooooo well!

Christina Aguilera - "I Will Be"

I listened to this jam back in high school after mi amiga Val informed me of how great it was to cry to @ night! It was omitted from Xtina's Grammy-nominated masterpiece, Stripped, so I had to download it. And once I did, lordy lordy, it was put in constant rotation during my somber Sad City mixxxez that I used to listen to on repeat whenever tEeNAgE LifE goT To bE tOoOOO HaRd!

It taught me that even though the world seems so cold and even though darkness surroooooooundz, I can for def def defferz see through the raaa(eee)aaaain and fiiiind mah waaaa(eeee)y.

Miley Cyrus - "The Climb"

Yeah, yeah...everyone wants to bash Miley Cyrus and say she can't sing and that she's a bitch. But, you know what? Grrrlfriend can sing and therefore can be a rude ho to whoever she wants to. She's pretty rad in mi libro, and this song is the perfect counselor para me whenever I get terrified of mi futuro or get discouraged and think that I am too much of a Wuss Festival to become a grown-up.

Though times can be mad dificil, these are the moments that I'm gonna remember most and while I oft want to break down [feat. drown in a waterfall of tears], I know I've gotta be stroooong and just keep pushing ooooo-OoOon.

Joshua Radin - "Brand New Day"

Dis hot piece is the mastermind behind Ellen DeGeneres' wedding song, "Today," that made mah eyeballz explode wiff acidic tears a year and a half ago. However, he was able to Scotch tape mi corazon back together wiff this other track that is all about waking up and pulling yourself out of the burned ashes of yesterday's failurezzz. It was probz co-written by Scarlett O'Hara @ the end of Gone Wiff da Wind when Rhett Butler was all lyke, "I don't give a damn. Peace out bitch," and Scarlett she was all lyke "Yeah well, tomorrow is anotha day, asshole."

Anywhooo, Mr. Radin & his gentle ojoz reassured me that while this cycle neeeever endz, I should always have faith in some kind of magic that will lift me outta bed en la mañana to see the sun is shining and that I'm fully capable of making my life less sucktastic and more funified than it was the day before.

What about YOU folkz? Do you got some tunez that your ears get all makey-outy wiff whenever you're a depresso espresso?

Saturday, March 27, 2010

I'm safe up high?

I dunno about all you cholitoz, but when I'm bored as shit, I like to donkeypunch Wikipedia with an unending pummel shower of bizarre & macabre searches. Weird diseases? CHECK. Famous serial killers? CHECK. Historic natural disasters? CHECK. Babies born wiffout faces? DOUBLE TRIPLE CHECK.

But none of that awesome shit catches mah attention more than researching things that actually terrify me. I know I've rambled on about how mushroomz ruin mah vida, but last weekend I found myself silently crying petrified crocodile tearzzz while I looked into the hellish abyss of my second worst fear. HEIGHTS.

I'm of course scurrrrrred of plummeting to my death via my ass falling of a building, but my nervousness is not just confined to that logical reason. Just looking up @ tall things gives me the runz and if I'm actually on something high up, well...I'd rather have Adam Glamberpuss murder my existence and beef on my tombstone.

So to cope with this psychological horror zone in my brainz, I thought it would be therapeutic [read as: an easy blog post] to share wiff all you gloriously beautiful readerz what I discovered.

The Sears Willis Tower

In the grand spectrum of tall buildings, the Willis Tower is the tallest building in the United States. It's in Chicago [feat. Jennifer Hudson] and was built by a sadomasochistic butt pirate. And why do I say such a thing? Well, cuz only a douche that enjoyz torturing my heart would dare create a building that had 99th floor clear glass observation death chambers that those wiff more courage (and less of a brain) than myself can jump about on while staring down at the tiny world below. Yeah...fuckdatshit.


Next on my tour of places waaaaay too close to the sun for my liking is Stratospohe in Las Vegas. So as Katy Perry informed us, Vegas is the place you go to if you wanna lose all your $$$/boyfriendz, but those aren't the only things that can carelessly slip from your slippery, pudge fingers! You can also misplace your life into the hands of the devil after you slide/launch/bounce your nalgaz off of dis pointlessly terrifying structure.

Not only is it too high for my liking [aka prox more than 30 feet off the ground], but there are amusement rides up on the top as well. And by "amusement" I mean, "THIS IS BULLSHIT." The first ride is called The Big Shot and is one of those elevator lift-off rides that always have harnesses that aren't tight enough and always make you want to vom on the peepz below you.

The 2nd ride on this retarded tower is called Insanity. Since being a million miles in the air isn't stomach-disintegrating enough, this ride spins you around and forces you to look straight down at the world below. If someone held me @ gunpoint and said I had to get on this merry-go-kill-yourself, I would seriously considering opting for a bullet in the noggin.

Sure, why not take a ride on a rickety piece of track that violently hurls us over the edge of the tallest freestanding observation tower in the country? Soundz exciting, right? WRONG. It's called X-Scream, cuz it is exxxxxciting [aka st00pid]. If the whiplash doesn't kill you, then the heart attack you get from even looking @ this monster zone of an amusement ride [read as: death trap] will.

Burj Dubai

And then there's this. The tallest effing thing in the entire world. The Burj Dubai is prox infinity miles high and is some twisted hybrid of a hotel, office building, restaurant, swimming pool, torture chamber and PEZ factory. Shit looks fake, like that palace in The Neverending Story. And for good reason, cuz this kinda crap should remain in fiction so I don't break out in sweat and acne rashes when I watch videos like this...phew, I'm spent.

So what about you? Are you a-scared of heights, or are you brave [read as: suicidal] enough to crave the high-altitude crazzzy town excitement that these cursed places have to offer?

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Moviez teach me thingz!

Over the weekend I had the luxury of a) not werking and b) not having anything planned to do, so I was able to sloth about mah casa and catch up with Netflix [aka best friend]. We kabitzed about the weather and how beautiful it's been. Then we talked about American Idol and how great Crystal Bowser's Sox is and how uncomferz we get when forced to watch the mentally handicapped tree stump that is Siobhan Mania. Then we cuddled. Three horaz later, Shawn walked in on me spooning my laptop, so I thought it would be best to use Netflix for its main usage taking advantange of free postage! watching peliculaz! And I watched three movies that each taught me some great real life, day by day lessonz! Lemme share [read as: judgmentally lecture you].

Synopsis - This flick was a documentary about how douchebag Wal-Mart is apparently the gateway to Evil Centrall. I never really shopped at Hell-Mart because mis padres always yadda yadda-ed about how corrupt and disrespectful of a dump it is. And since I was young an impressionable, I did what they said and never really went there. PLUS, the Wal-Mart near my hometown was always messy and the CD section never had albums that I wanted to buy [i.e. SoulDecision, Samantha Mumba & Willa Ford]. Anyhoooooo, this movie pointed out the numerous reasons why Hell-Mart is dragging the world to hell (not in the good way) and how you're a prick if you support it.

What I learned - Wal-Mart hatez women, Asians, health care, the environment, communities, sad old men that own hardware stores, schools, children, rainbowz, kittenkatz, walks on the beach, candy corn and sparkle-time happiness.

I Like Killing Flies

Another documentary, this Indie flick fantastico focused on a small restaurant in Nueva Nueva called Shopsin's that's owned by the (durhz) Shopsin family. The patriarch of the family, Kenny Shopsin, is the head chef and most definitely crazzzy. The movie basically follows him around on his daily happeningz in the restaurant where he cooks bizarre-ass shit that confuses and delights a steady stream of loyal patrons. He also verbally assault [feat. kicks to the curb!] any bitch that comes in with a party of five or more and/or anyone that uses a cellphone in the building.

What I learned - Kenny Shopsin is my effing hero and I wish I was him. Everyone is a piece of shit, but those that acknowledge that they are a piece of shit and occasionally do sumfing nice are in fact better people than those that don't acknowledge they are a piece shit and think they are genuinely of a great caliber. Understand? No?! IYou iz a dumbalo!

(500) Days of Summer

Synopsis - This is every college st00dent/self-proclaimed intellectual's favo movie of the year. It starz that used-to-be-ugo-now-is-HOT actor from 3rd Rock From the Sun and Katy Perry Zooey Deschanel. It's about how love suxxx and how it kicks so hard/breaks your bones/cuts so deep/hits your soul/tears your skin/makes your blood flow. It was arty and cute and depressing and opened wiff a Regina Spektor song, so of course I dug it hardxxxcore.

What I learned - Nothing. Considering I have been in nearly the same kind of relationSHIT as the peepz in this movie and had someone put my tender heart in a blender and watch it spin around into a beautiful oblivion, I didn't learn anything but sure was erupting with burning sympathy.

Monday, March 22, 2010

My Monday Muse

News Anchors

Back when I was still a bright-eyed young & hopeful college student [aka two years ago], I took a class called Writing & Announcing for TV Broadcasting. The class was unlike anything I had ever experienced before and we did all sorts of great projects. I had to write and record a local news story [feat. interviewing a whiny grandpa landlord about how disruptive off-campus college kids are on the community], put together the script and basic outline for a sitcom and we even visited the HBO studioz en Nueva Nueva. And all of these components were great! There was however, something I was terrible at, and that was when we had to play news anchor. I stunk worse than a bathtub filled wiff sweaty Stilton, gym laundries & Ke$ha. I stuttered, I flubbed my lines and my hair looked terrible. Howevz, I'm sure that my grade in the class would still be a point or two above any of these visionary television yapperz...

You know, cuz gay & blind are really quite interchangeable. Some days I wake up and for a few seconds think I can't see. Then I roll over and see Mr. Pasteeeeelnick sleeping next to me and I'm all lyke "OOOOoOoOoOh! Gay, not blind. That's right!"

I hear ya loud & clear, Sue Simmons. I oft ponder wiff disgust at the audacity of cruise ships. Sailing into our bays, taking people to far off destinations. Who the hell do they tink they are?!

Fake or not, vomming is always hilarz! Tomato soup? Hoooorah! Watch how during his bile explosion, the audio reader lights in the back shoot all da way up into the red zone. Geebz Eric, we hear you. Can you bring it down a few notchez?!

Yeah, this is funny cuz I am kind of a douchebag (and if you laugh, then you are too).

Saturday, March 20, 2010

¡Fiesta de fotografíaz!

So I was oh so graciously chosen by the MadTexter to partake in this bloggy disease chain being passed about ova the interwebz. I thank him for pretending that I a) am innnnnresting enough to be involved wiff dis, and b) have peepz who actually read dis herre blog anymore (my view count has inexplically dropped astronomically!). Well, here were the rulezzz...

1. Go to your first photo file and pick the 10th photo in it.
2. Tell the story behind the photo.
3. Tag 5 other people to do likewise.

Here's mah photo:

This is me pre-vomming on wiff mi amiga Samantha. Sam & I met in college and ended up living togethz during our last two yearz. Needless to say, we are mad close [read as: hysterically psychotic & awesome]. This photo was taken in August 2008 after I graduated college. Having no longer lived under the same roof for a few months, Sam [feat. mi otra amiga/housemate, Xtina] began to miss me soooooo much, that they forced me to go on a short Atlantic City vacation wiff dem.

This shot was taken our first night there, in our nautical-themed hotel room. In this pic, we were clearly trying out all our collabo model poses before we unleashed them on the helpless Jerzeeee Shore trash on the boardwalk. After we snapped 14 million photoz, we then set about the AC nightlife, drinking overpriced neon beveragez in novelty glassware, dancing erratically any chance we got, harassing befriending foreignerz, listening to douche after douche sing Bon Jovi karaoke wiff too much lip-curling, toasting our skinz to burnt perfection and verbally maiming everything in sight. It was a good time and I want to go back (but only if it's for free).

So who do I want to pass this funtime photo explosion onto?

Craig from Puntabulous
Dave2 from Blogography
Adam and/or Mikey from Cocky & Rude
Polt from Polt's Palace
Naughty from The Naughty Butternut

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Someone call the doctor!

I HATE getting sick. I know some peepz who don't mind it entirely if it means that they get to be lazybonez central and stay home from werk/school/the real world and just sit around watching televisor all day, but I can't stand it! I hate missing out on tingz and am always under the impression that the one day I take off from my daily responsibilities to get well will be the single most crucial and important dia en mah entire life. What if I have to save the world [read as: run menial errands], and there I am @ home, fusing wiff da couch, watching Judge Judy be mean to everyone, slurping chix soup and sleeping abnormal hours? Lamesauce!

So when I was younger, if I started feeling a little under the weatherz, I wouldn't drink gallonz of OJ or gargle salt water or any crap like that. I'd turn on my only friend growing up Nintendo Entertainment System and play Dr. Mario until the cows came home.

Now, if you were too young or too oldz to have experienced this wonder of gaming magic, lemme essssssplain. Basically, you're Dr. Mario and you're chucking these multi-colored pills into a beaker of germs. The germs come en tres colores and you have to line up the appropriate pills wiff da evil nasties inside. It's like Tetris only harder and more morbid.

Well, dis prescription of "Ignore Your Physical Ailments to Rotate Pixels While Listening To a Repeating 8-Bit Soundtrack" always did the trick for me! I think it was like mind over body or whatever the shiz that saying is.

Since I am sooooo nice, I thought I'd post a link to an emulated copy of the game that you can play FOR FREEEEZ on the Interwebz. Just don't play it @ work cuz I don't want any of you hoz getting a-fired cuz of me. Slackerz! DO UR JERBZ!

[Make sure all your Java/Flash schtuff is updated. I had to play it on ugly-ass Internet Explorer for it to work para moi!]

Phew! I'm feeling mad healthycopterz already! ::fart::

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


So last weekend (during my final shift @ the restaurant!), my co-worker/friend/fellow Drag Me to Hell-fan Steven burned me a copy of the new 30 Seconds to Mars CD, This is War. For those of you outta-da-loop, 30 Seconds to Mars is an alternative rock band led by actor (and guy that I kinda but sadly don't entirely resemble) Jared Leto. I have their first two albums and they are pretty decent, albeit a tad familiar. I even saw dem in concert wiff mi hermana a few añoz back and aside from the horrifically craptastic opening band Aiden, the show was effing rocking.

But their new disc is so far removed from their earlier work that if I wasn't so effing smart and knowedgable about the mundo de musica a huge nerd brigade that spends hours researching pop culture shit on Wikipedia, I wouldn't have been able to tell it was even the same band! They have fused their hard(er) rock sound wiff a slightly electro/experimental ...blah blah...whateva...peepz never wanna read about mah musical opinionz, so let's cut off the fat of this entry.

It's not about the music; it's about the album cover. Advertised on digital stores, the cover depictz a ferosh tiger! Grrrr!

Cool! But then as I was reading up on the album I found out that the band had a contest somewhere that allowed all their supa sexxxy fans [read as: peepz not like moi] to submit photoz of their mugz for a chance to be put on the album's cover! Neat?! In the end, the album was released with having over 2,000 different photographs on the cover! That has to be a world record or sumfing.

Some of da hoz were old y uggz, but some of them were beautiful [read as: some of them were CELEBRITIEZ]! Conan O'Brien, Bam Margera & Gabe Saporta of Cobra Starship were all featured and I wish that I had the one wiff Gabey baby on it, cuz dat d00d is mad sexxxerskatez! MMMMM! Gimme dem cookiez!

But then after I was done drowning in mah own sloppy drooliez, I got pissed. This could have been a prime chance for me to become famoso! Can you image walking into Best Buy and just seeing rows and rows of my puss plastered all over the music section? Cuz, once they saw my face, they would burn all the other covers and demand the record company to only print those with ME on it [read as: they'd probably be indifferent and think my acne was gross].

So that's why me and a couple of mah close friends decided to make our OWN versions of the This Is War cover. Check 'em out NOW!

Me [feat. spacey age gogglez]


Pickle Surprise!

...and finally...


Good jerb, me! Time well spent!(?)

Monday, March 15, 2010

My Monday Muse


Love is a wondrous thing, isn't it? That first instant of becoming smitten with someone...holding hands...kissez...all that nasty stuff that comes's all a roller coaster! But what about those times when the lurrrve isn't reciprocated?! There have been several hundredz of times when I've dug someone hardxxxcore, only to have them roundhouse kick my heart against a brick wall wiff their indifference and neglect. Love hurtz! So that's why dis semana's Monday Muse will let you feel not so alone in the sea of unrequited swooing. let's start wiff some history here. Check out DIS VIDEO for a foxtrot down memory lane to when Jerry Springer & love goddess Coco first met. Lovergrrrl basically tellz us a boo-hoo story about how her husband peaced out and left her all sadly single in the world. She then blah blah blahz about being depressed and grief-ridden and yaaaawwwwwnnnzzzzzz. Then she gets to the good [read as: sexxxy] stuff.

Coco & her giftbow headgear start to quiver in excitement as she informs us of the loveydovey time she spends getting to know her whatchacallit better. Cute! Exposing herself to her neighbor or to kidz at the mall is just child's play though. What grrrlfriend lurrrvez most of all is cozying up to her manoz in front of the televisor and tinking delectably devilish things about Mr. Springer himself. AW!

I have to question Jerry's sanity. I mean, for supa serial...grrrlfriend has got it goin' on! She dressez like the hawt mess that Lady GaGogglez wishez she was! That mane is probz filled with all the magical secretz of the world. And whattaya do, Jerry? You bring out some d00d named Ludwig with a blurry face & ugly tie and expect Coco to just fall crazzzy head ova tacky heelz? She's a passionate woman, Jerry. And you better watch out...Coco [feat. bewbiez] is gonna come getchuuuu!

Jerry, just look @ her enjoying herself while she looks @ you! And stop talking to her in such an impersonal way! YOU'RE HURTING HER!!!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Off wiff dem headz!

So I saw dat Alice In Wonderland movie that's been pimped to the heavenz since the first wiff of it was farted outta Tim Burton's genius hole. And it was pretty good if I do say so. It's kinda like a sequel to the original in a way via plot twists and allusionz, but it also stood outside of da primero pelicula. Basically, Alice finds her azz back in Wonderzville ten or so years after the first movie. She vaguely remembers her previous adventure as a dream and then goes on a quest to do some shit. She meets weird, effed-up creatures and it's all kinda trippy and mildly frightening.

The White Rabbit is cute. The Caterpillar is a dick. The March Hare was the unstable, nervous underdog of the group [aka my favo kind of character!]. Tweedledum & Tweedledee are quite possibly the most terrifying things I have ever seen in my entire life. The Mad Hatter was played by Johnny Depp (duh) and I felt had a larger than necessary role meant only to highlight a big name star. The Cheshire Cat was able to transform his shape to look like other peepz for some reason. [*per note by Dave2] The Dormouse was annoying and made me angry.

Blah Blah...whatever. The best part of the movie was Helena Bonham Carter who kicked everyone's azz as the Red Queen. She was such a bitch and I loved how she sentenced peepz to death and was mean to everyone. When we get married (cuz c''s gonna happen), I want her to look exactly like she did in the movie. And YES, that DOES include the bloated CGI-head. Lovez her and dis movie further proved to myself that H.B.C. is one of mah favo actresses!

Grrrlfriend deserves an Academy Award and even though Alice In Wondertown probz won't get much notice, I thought she at least deserved a nomination for Sweeney Todd a couple of yearz back! I'd eat a million of her dusty bug meat pies if it meant I could stay in her presence forevz!

So did you see Alice In Wonderland?! How much did you lurrrve Helena [feat. the March Hare]?!

Friday, March 12, 2010

She got on a plane, never to return again.

So even though all us bloggy folkz cyber-celebrated mah birfday a few weekz ago when it was actually the blessed anniversary of mah vaginal expulsion, I have yet to get together wiff mah actual familia to rejoice my existence. Since the cumpleaños de mi madre is only two weeks after mine, my family will oft meet up to celebrate both of them @ the same time. So that is where I will be en sábado.

And to thank mi hermana Melody (yes, the destroyer of sueños) for the fabo giftz that she better is sure to bequeath to me, I thought I'd perform a song requested by her a thousand yearz ago. Hope you enjoy it [read as: hope your soul burns a little bit in agony]. ¡Chao cholitoz!

"This Love" - Maroon 5

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Got some Spring in your step?

Hey folkz, I know I've fallen behind a bit on the bloggy train. Stop hating me! Because of Mr. Pasteeeeeeeeeeeeelnick's obnoxious, wussy devil catz sweet angelic feline babiez fucking wiff the wires under his computer, the Internet has been out-of-commission for a few days. Since I am in the city five days a week now (YAY!), I've been crashing @ his place to avoid a lengthy y hellish commute everyday. No Internet + Staying @ David's = No Bloggy Time. I know, sad. And really, I must commend anyone still alive from the Josh Is Trashy drought of 2010. It had to be really difficult. Did you eat the dead? How'd they taste? Well I'm back so let's get this crapfestival going...

As this creative and noble [read as: pitiful and lackluster] snowgentleman can show you, the snow from the zillion storms we had the past few months is nearly gone. And what does dat mean?! THAT SPRING IS ABOUT TO CREAM OUT OF THE HEAVENZ AND MAKE OUR LIVES BETTER! Yes, I am more than a little bit aroused @ the fact that Winter will be euthanized shortly. And why is that?! Well, let's point out mah ten reasonz why Spring rulez.

1. I can go running outside wiffout mah naughty bitz turning into diet icicles.

2. My car can be safely driven on the roads wiffout cascading over slippery pavement and pummeling peepz in the face with its tires.

3. Yearz ago when I was still in school, it was a sign of vacation! (however now it's just a reminder that three-month-long breaks are figments of mah imagination...)

4. I can have a huge celebratory kegger when Crystal Bowser'sSox winz American Idol.

5. I can comfortably sit outside in public places and (pretend to) read thick novelz [ie: Les Misérables, Ulysses and any of that boring crap by Jane Austen] so peepz are intimidated by an intelligence I don't quite actually have.

6. Smoothiez go back in style. Strawberry, banana & vanilla yogurt smoothiez own your azz!

7. It's the furthest possible season from February which always is the dumping ground of mah entire año.

8. There are fewer cockeyed holidayz to make me feel obligated to be nice to people.

9. Muthafuzzing Rita's openz up [feat. Alex's Derrrrrriciouz Cancer Lemalade]!

10. Even when it's raining bats and frogs outside, a storm in the Spring is still 10x more pleasant than the most beautiful sunny day in Winter.

So are yoooooouuuu looking forward to Spring [aka duh you are]? What do you love most about it?! How happy are you that Winter is being violently aborted [feat. coat hanger] out of our livez?!

Monday, March 8, 2010

My Monday Muse

Movie Concessionz

So errrbody, didchu survive the Academy Awards last night? Did your favorites win? I hope so (if they are the same ones that I wanted to be victorious)! Going to the movies is one of mah favo things to do, especially since I am no longer in high school and seem to have less time to get my rump on over to the local cinema. And whenever I head to the multi-dulex-mondo-megaplex, I frrrealz shell out the ridiculous prices for the movie crap-food @ the concession stand. Poppingcorn? Check! Nachoz [feat. faux-cheez hell sauce]? Check! Neon-colored Icee drink that leaves mah teefz aching and mah head frozen? CHECK! Sno-Capz? BARF!

But none of these tastee delights appeal to me as much as the animated delicacies that make up this week's Monday Muse...give dem a taste, won't you?

This week's Muse isn't just entertaining, it's effing educational. For supa serial, how many times have you been @ the theater and had other jerkerz ruin your experience wiff all their nonsense? I know it's happen to me exactly 43 times!

How can I fully enjoy the thespian accuracy of Lindsay Lohan & cast in I Know Who Killed Me if dumboz take their shoez off and put me in a coma wiff their thick foot stench? How can I appreciate the sizzling on-screen chemistry of Hilary Duff & some d00d that no one carez about in A Cinderella Story when rude whorez are crack-a-lacking their food wrappers like this is an effing Noise Factory? How can I keep mahself engrossed in the horrific action scenes of House Of Wax when some cholo pullz his wiener out when it isn't absolutely necessary?! And c'mon, I paid $10 so I could thoroughly enjoy the plot twists of New York Minute [feat. the Olsen Alienz], not so I could listen to your ugly baby scream for its life. Babiez don't watch that!

Damn peepz, tanxz2gawd that we have the music stylingz of Mastodon and the geniuz animators behind Aqua Teen Hunger Force and the geniuz film Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters so we can be well-informed of movietime etiquette. I hope in the future you will only have a groovy time when it's movie time!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

And the Oscar Mayer Wiener is...

OMGAWDZ, do I love award season or what?! In what is probably the last important prize ceremony for awhile, the Academy Awards are tonight, and even though I don't gotz a televisor, I'm for def def defferz gonna be repeatedly refreshing this year's show's Wiki page for hours so I can find out the winnerz ASAP. This was a varied year for movies and I had the pleasure of catching quite a few of the films nominated. And though I am psycho-pissed about The Hangover not receiving any nomz as well as the Lamia being snubbed in the Best Supporting Actor category (for his riveting performance in Drag Me to Hell), I am still content in having seen five of the Best Picture nomineez.

Before I go over [feat. an unsatisfiable bias] each flick, let's play a little game. Below is a scan of last week's cover of the New Yorker. See if you can identify each of the 10 Best Picture nominees! Fun...this is just like Highlights magazine!

(Click HERE for the answers, you cheater-pumpkin eater!)

So how did you do? You got them ALL WRONG?! I'm so disappointed contigo! Okay, so here are my opinions of this year's nomineeeeeeez. First, lemme go over the peliculas I actually saw...

An Education - There is no way that this film is gonna win since it's indie and no one except Mr. Pasteeeeeeelnick & I saw it. And it's a shame! It was one of those beautiful-turned-creeptastic filmz that made you clench your jaw and grind your teefz to dust in anxiety! A young grrrl and an old d00d start a relationship wiff each other (...) and some intense shizzz happens and then ::plot twist:: ::plot twist:: ::plot twist:: THE END! Oh, and the lead, Carey Mulligan was supa cute and actually scored a Best Actress nomination! LOVEZ IT!

Avatar - James Cameron's mega CGI-wonderland extravaganza made prox 67 bajillion dollarz in its first second or sumfing like dat. I admit that I went in hating it cuz everyone was blah blah blahing about it, but I must say that I did enjoy it. The effects were great (though the 3-D did give me a case of the headachez) and it was an interesting concept. But it was also quite predictable and it is in no way worthy of the title of Best Picture. A great movie isn't just about effects and's about heart [feat. soul], brilliant acting, originality & all that good shiz Ebert cropdusts over his reviews. To think that it has a chance to get plopped in a box wiff AMAZING films like Gone Wiff da Wind, One Flew Ova da Cuckoo's Nest, Silence of dem Lambz, American Beaaauuuty & No Pais Para Hombres Viejos makes me feel a touch of the vomz.

District 9 - Now this is a Sci-Fi film that I feel deserves the Beast [edit: Best] Picture nomination! Like Avatar, it had a strange concept but unlike the aforementioned, its plot never felt contrived or affected. I feel like this pelicula is Avatar's less pompous younger brother. Like, they both play guitar and Avatar is all lyke "I'm soOoOoO good! Listen to me play 'Stairway to Heaven'," while District 9 is all lyke "I'm decent, I guess," and then BLOWZ HIS BRO OUTTA THE WATER at the high school talent show. Wait...does that make sense? Who cares? Anyway, this film was intense and wild and exciting and it has my second favo ending (just behind Drag Me to Hell...durhz) of any film this year! Soooo melancholy!

Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire - Yes, yes, all know mah feelingz about dis movie. It was heart-wrenching, painful and dramatic and not just because Mariah was forbidden to have her retoucher on set to PhotoShop the crap outta her scenes. I have pimped out dis film about an overweight, st00pid, poor, pregnant, raped black grrrl to every person I know and actually got a handful of them to check it out! Two of them actually made a line from it part of their senior quote in their yearbook! Anywayz, the acting was brillz (Gabourey Sidabidabidabay & Mo-apostrophe-Nique kicked my azz to da mooooon) and I was a filthy, disgusting mess of soggy tearz by the end of it. Just ask Mr. David! I couldn't talk about it for hourz after seeing it and I think it deserves this Best Picture honor above all of dis other flicks.

Up - Speaking of becoming a sloppy sponge of eye-fluidz, this movie had me bawling like Sanjaya's "Crying Grrrl" honestly wiffin da first ten minuntoz of the film. I was able to bark out a few laughs when the old man was mean to the dumb fat kid, but I diligently got right back to sobbing. I thought that the metaphor of the house and the balloonz must have been put together in a GENIUS FACTORY, cuz it had me speechless by the end. I also thought that it was quite unpretentious and cute and one of those movies that is good for PeEpZ oF aLL AgEz! Family Movie Night?! Put this bitch in your DVD player and snuggle up on the couch wiff a Precious-sized bag of poppingcorn and a tree's worth of Kleenex Ultra Soft.

And now a one-sentence summary of what (I think) the remaining five moviez are about...

The Blind Side - Sandra Butthole Bullock saves a sad black kid from being homeless by exploiting his weight to play football [feat. racist undertonez?].

The Hurt Locker - Cameron's ex-wife directs a movie depicting a live-action version of the IMPOSSIBLE bomb-disarming stage in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game on Nintendo.

Inglourious Basterds - Some Quentin Tarantino movie [aka an unapologetic bloodfest] about Nazis and Brad Pitt's uncomfortable mustache.

A Serious Man - A man does some crap and some things happen.

Up In the Air - George Clooney [feat. monster chin] rides in airplanes and doesn't act like a douche for once.

So there we have it folkz! Those are my [read as: the most important] opinions of this year's nominees. Who do you want to win?!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Oh, here it goes again...

So I peeled my azz outta bed this mañana and turned on my lappytop. And what's the first headline I see on Yahoo! (which is inexplicably still my homepage after 3 years of ditching it as my search engine for Google)?: "Video Masters OK Go Spark Chain Reaction In 'This Too Shall Pass' Video"

I kinda gruffed to mahself and rolled my eyes at this, mainly cuz I was all lyke "Okay, Ok Go, we get it. You make cool single-shot videoz that get spread like S.T.D.s all over the interwebz. Now make SONGS that are just as memorable!"

But I realized I sounded a touch douchey and allowed mahself to take a gander of their new music video before jumping down their gargantaz about how funky & played-out their D.I.Y. videos are getting. By now, I am sure there are prox thousands of blogs that have already written about this video in question, but whatevz, take a look and then let's discuss:

"This Too Shall Pass"

::nom nom:: I'm eating globz upon globz of humble pie right now (it's a tad bitter!). Alright, that video was pretty effing sweeeet. What wiff the dominoes and the marbles and the golf clubs and the cars and umbrellas, paint cannons, tires, pianos, typewriters, barrels, toilet plungers...etc, etc, etc... The guitar part was GENIUZ and I adored the destruction of the TV playing their "Here It Goes Again" video [feat. treadmills]. I'm sure Ok Go got real sick & tired of being asked to perform it live and seeing desperate cholos copycat them @ high school talent showz, so it's cool that they metaphorically SmAsHeD that video into nothingness wiff that sledgehammer.

Also, I LURRRVE Rube Goldberg machines! When I was a tot, I used to shun the world and hide out in my room playing Domino Rally for DAYS [NOTE: watch this commercial and laugh @ :22 when the domino doesn't make it around the loopyloop! Crafty editing!]! Yay!

If you live underneath Mount Rushmore and haven't seen either of Ok Go's other two videos, take a looksie below. Cool d00dz...I'd party wiff dem.

"Here It Goes Again"

"A Million Ways"

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Sweet Dreamz?

Ever have one of dem dreamz where something happens that is so utterly bizarre and disconcerting that even after you wake up and go a'bumblin' about your day, you can't stop thinking about what happened? Well, I DID!

Last night I had a rather deceptively simple sueño that merely involved me standing in front of mah bathroom mirror, brushing my chopz. I am anal retentive about my teefz and am sure to brush [feat. flossyflossy] them multiple times a day. I am supa serial afraid of getting a cavity and then having to fork over prox $1,000,000,000 to get it taken care of, so initially I was proud of Dream Me for being so responsible while I was visiting Slumber Town.

But then terrible hell broke loose and impaled my subconscious wiff horror-time nightmare spears! As the bristles of my brush were scrubbadubdubbing mis dientes, scratches started to appear all over them. The scratches became deeper until ultimately mah poor little teefz began flaking outta my mouth and collecting in my sink. Since I was asleep and my mind likes to torment me, Dream Josh just kept brushing and scraping and flaking until all that was left in mi boca were stubs where pearly whiteness used to glisten. My mouf ended up looking like dis:


So I did what any obessive compulsive paranoid artard would do...I looked up the meaning of all this dental madness on the interwebz thus further propelling myself into a suffocating pool of anxiety! My findingz were totez not sexxxycopterz. Here are some of the possibilities that this rando website I found on Google told me about:

Losing your teefz in a dream could mean...

1. "You may be experiencing feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confience."

2. "Anxieties about your appearance and how others perceive you."

3. "A fear of rejection, sexual impotence or the consequences of getting old."

4. "You may have uttered some false or foul words and those words are coming back to haunt you."

5. "That your in jeopardy."

6. "An over-exaggeration of your worries and anxieties."

7. "Menopause."

So basically I am an insecure, ugly, sick, impotent worrywart who gossips religiously and is beginning to go through "the change." Yay! Rando unreliable website, you sure hit the nail on the head!

So what about you folkz, what are your dreeeeeeeeaaaaaaaammmzzz trying to frighten the shit outta you about tell youuuu about yourself?!