Saturday, February 20, 2010

We R Da World

So a thousand yearz ago, Lionel Richie Nicole Richie's dad co-wrote a song wiff Michael Jackson called "We Are the World" and it was a huge charity record that featured a bunch of dinosaurz singing for the benefit of ending hunger in Africa. Fossilz like Tina Turner, Dionne Warwick, Cyndi Lauper & Billy Joel sang about how we're all children and there was a music video that was a who's who clusterfuck of famous peepz and it raised prox $63 million. Good jerb!

But not to be outdone by old people, stars from my generation [feat. a few dusties from yesteryear] rerecorded the song to aid the current situation in Haiti. It was officially put on the airwaves last week and has its own accompanying video filled wiff celebrities and singerz for me to obsess over. Reviews of the song haven't been too good, but I thought that I would give the video a looksie and give all you bloggy readers a review that you probz don't give a crap about a synopsis of the ditty spiced with my geniuz knowledge of popular culture [read as: I am obsessed with dis stuff and it's the only thing I care about].

Oh, and don't get all bent outta shape and say that I'm being insensitive to the cause or whateva...I appreciate what they're doing and all. But I am still a pop music critic deep down to the core of my soul! Watch the comments are below:

Video begins wiff Jamie Foxx talking for 8 years...snorezzz...

1:30 - And the person to lead off this monumental single is...Justin Beiber?! And WHAT?! Why is Jennifer Hudson [feat. Pussycat Slut Nicole Scherzingeringeringeringer] singing back-up to Beerbaby?! This is some real life Dreamgirls shit.

1:53 - Josh Groban & his terrifying demon eyez looks like he's about to heave his opera lungs out.

2:02 - Old man Tony Bennett further proves my Aretha Franklin/Chaka Kahn theory that Talented Singers + Gettin' Mad Old = Mediocre Monster Vocals.

2:08 - Mary J. Blige singing for serial bores me more than watching Scarlett Johansson act.

2:21 - Michael Jackson's refrain from the original [feat. Janet awkwardly photoshopping her way into the shot, looking sleepy and not singing].

2:33 - Barbara Streisand sings like an old person and pronounces werdz strangely [i.e. "...juztchuanmeeeee."].

2:49 - I don't know why everyone says Miley Cyrus can't sing. She has power and a cool tone. Especially when compared to...

2:57 - ...Enrique Iglesias who a) sounds like shit, and b) isn't important to the musical landscape anymore (what is this, 2001?!).

3:15 - Wylef Jean sounding "authetic" & "cultural" [aka crappy & redic].

3:21 - Adam Levine [feat. stubble] from Maroon 5 is mad handsome and I'm in lurrrve wiff his nasally vocal sTyLiNgZzZz.

3:26 - Annie Lenox P!nk gets a solo (duh) and sounds amazing (duh).

3:52 - Celine Dion blowz my mind, belts like a rockstar and rips the spotlight away from Fergie. YAY.

4:09 - The Pussycat Whore makes another appearance to prove why her solo album is NEVER COMING OUT.

4:19 - One of the Jonas Brothers clan memberz groans like he's injured/constipated.

4:21 - Everyone's least favo American Idol judge smiles like a goofball. Where's Kara DioGuardi's solo?!

4:28 - Toni Braxton [feat. emo bangz] sings wiff her beautiful man-voice.

4:46 - Everyone everywhere else online HATEZ this part, but I like Lil Wayne and his overly autotuned vocalz! Almost enough to buy his new poorly-received RaWk album! His metallic smile @ the end of his solo is so cute!

4:50 - I LOVE how dis guy (I have no clue/care as to who he is) is not singing/moving/doing ANYTHING.

5:00 - Fuck yeah P!nk gets belting rights over the chorus!

5:28 - T-Pain hints @ the uncomferz hip-hop section coming up. Prepare to be unimpressed.

5:39 - Jamie Foxx sings like an artard and gets the cutest smile from J-Hud!

5:51 - Will.I.Am, Snoop Dogg, LL Cool J and an army of assorted rappers bark @ us. They're just angry & mad jellerz that they didn't get a solo like Weezy! [please note when they shoot to the chorus, how Babz is not feeling it!]

6:30 - Tanx again, Wyclef. ::realigns ear canal::

6:35 - J-Hud gets all Effie over dis bitch!

6:46 - P!nk's derrricious growl makes ANOTHER cameo! Smart move!


So...those were the highlightz! What did you folkz tink? I thought it could have done wiff more rock 'n' where were Hayley Williams, Maynard James Keenan & Chino Moreno?! Where were Ke$ha, M.I.A., Amy Winehouse, Gorillaz & Santigold to make it wEiRdEr?! And why were none of the Grammy golden grrrlz there (Taylor Swift, Lady GaGogglez, Beyoncercopterz)?! And I think I speak for all of us when I ask "WHERE THE FUCK WAS ALI LOHAN'S CHRISTMAS MAGIC SOLO?!?!??!"


john said...

OK, ew, but in its defense, I never really cared for the original. I will say that there were some great individual performances, but overall, it feels overproduced to me. I will say:
Jennifer Hudson can BELT out a tune;

P!nk is really underrated, she has such a great voice;

Miley actually did a good job;

Wyclef? Why indeed;

Celine needs to stop singing in the back of her throat;

Toni Braxton's voice is the vocal equivalent of sex, love it;

Did I see Kiki Dunst at 4:25?;

Lil Wayne's autotune voice is terrible;

Jamie Fox is doing his impression of Ray Charles, hence the smile from Jennifer Hudson;

Jeff Bridges? Really? and did I see Gwen Stifani in there?;

I don't care what it is for, I still want to put a sock in his mouth every time I see Kanye West.

hoteltuesday said...

Everything you said is 100% right. I was so glad they gave P!nk a decent portion cause she did a great job. I was so pleasantly surprised by Adam Levine's part too. MMMMM. LOVE HIM.

And btw, the very first line of this post made me scream with laughter and my friends were like "What happened?!"

Polt said...

All that I can say is that I totally agree with your take on Adam Levine. Oh, and the Gorillaz rock.

And I didn't even watch the video.


madtexter ☺☺☺☺☺☺ (corey james) said...

Josherz, you are an EXCELLENT music critique. And not to be insensitive too, but think the whole thing was a bit hokey and self-indulgent. I hope it raises beaucoup bucks though.

However, as far I'm concerned, Miss Toni and Pink-alicious can do no wrong. When I hear them sing, I get an eargasm every time. Deeelish!

(I had to FF through Jamie Fox - blah, blah, blah..)

Tam said...

I skipped the blah blah too. What was with the lame rap section? On the whole I think your analysis was pretty spot on. I'm not sure how much money it raised, but those kind of things don't inspire me personally to donate, but it obviously works to a point.

Jake said...


Um, and did anyone see Vince Vaughan just hanging out in the back row? Yeah.

Adam said...

Thanks for the highlights -- cuz I didn't know who half those people were. Wyclef, Lil Wayne and the army of assorted rappers ruined it for me. Blechk.

David said...

I do love me some Barbra, but if you aren't used to her sound I can see where it would be weerd for you. Otherwise, can't say I have any argument here. And Wyclef Jean is definitely a taste I have not acquired. Too out there for me.

Michelle M. said...

I like Barbra too. Michellosaurus!

This song was always a yawn for me. I prefer "Do They Know It's Christmas?". But I suppose it doesn't really apply.

I thought P!nk and Celine did a great job and that Justin Bieber should be strapped back into his stroller (and then pushed down the stairs à la The Untouchables).

Mel said...

I haven't seen it yet and can't watch it now at work since the powers that be decided that they needed us to hate our lives and live in misery. David saw it watching the O'Lympics the other day and said the only people he recognized were Celine & Pink.

I said, "How the hell do you even know who Pink is?"

He said, "Hello! I read People at the allergist's!"

Justin said...

I refused to click on the video because I hated the original ***SOOO***VERY****MUCH*** I couldn't bear to listen to anything that might resemble it even in the vaguest way. (Though I did love the 30rock spoof.)

As for some of your critiques, O trashy one:

(1) I wonder how much your bf enjoys your use of the word "fossil" to describe people his age ;-)

(2) I was surprised Chaka Khan was only about 10 years younger than Areha Franklin. I thought they were like a generation apart.

(3) Celine Dion, everybody who sings like Celine Dion, or resembles her in any way, makes me hurl. And I love Fergie. :P

(4) Yeah, yeah, Adam Levine [feat. stubble] is "mad handsome" and I like him as long as I don't have to listen to Maroon 5.

(5) The more I've listened to P!nk and the more I've watched her videos, the more I like her. I think she's great.

(6) I couldn't agree with you more on the Scarlett Johansson comment. Except to say that I'm not sure I've ever seen her actually ACT. She just kind of stands there with her big pouty lips looking boring.

the naughty butternut said...


Butternaught was so confused by the cast of thousands. Her ADD kicked in right around the commentary about Babs. But she has to agree with Mr. Sir that Babs is an icon. Butternaught remembers Streisand in the glorious 70s when she was dueting with Barry Gibb. Butternaught's genius mommy had it all on 8-track, and when we drove around in the oldsmobuick we always did it with disco fevah.

Word very = marni. So close to martini. Sigh

rockson said...

brilliant! lil wayne's vocal kinda nice

Anonymous said...

I remember the original one very well. In fact, we used that song to close some of our group sessions when I was a counselor. Newly recovering alcoholics and addicts need all that "we're-all-in-this-together-so-lets-reach-out-and-help-each-other" kind of stuff. Anyway, I liked that one better than this one, probably because I knew who all the people were in it! Of course Pink was great, I can do without Miley, but I've been a Barbra fan for a very long time. She's a great actress, and an amazing singer. Good post Josh!

Love, momgui

Sara said...

this comment is comming a little late.
great breakdown of important/who cares about you artists!
props for giving lil wayne the credit he should get for being the best person in the entire world!
agreed 2817498% with the miley comment. and WHERE THE HELl is jason mraz's solo?! his 2 sec clip of his face amoung 25027 people does not count.
ke$ha needed to be there. maybe with Prince next to her and during their duet she could hand him her cd with a bow on it?! mmm yes!