Friday, February 19, 2010

The rhythm of an engine always makes me empty.

I know that every d00d in his early 20s is supposed to lurrrve driving and speeding down the highway [feat. total disregard] and suping up their cochez wiff all sorts of special engines and spoilerz and rocket boosts and shit, but as we all know, I'm not LyKe EvErY oThEr bOI In Da WeRLd! I absolutely despise driving and try to do it as little as possible.

It's stressful and peligroso and injects a double helping of Anxiety Deluxe into my brain. Sure, I may seem to enjoy it and might seem a little too comferz when I practice my favo hobby, but be assured that I only do this when there is barely anyone on the road and it's of reasonably calm weather conditionz outside!

I REFUSE to drive on the highway and have only done so less than five times in the past two yearz. I only drive when I'm commuting to one of mah two jerbz, visiting family or friends who live somewhere I can get to wiffout making more than four turnz [i.e. Enrico & my family], or goin' to the mall which is a 15 minute drive I've done a million timez befo.

But what's mah beef wiff driving? Let's find out, shall we?!


Want to lose complete control of your car and have your automobile go skidding across multiple lanez and smash into snowmen and trees and other peepz?! Then feel free to drive in the winter. I used to for supa serial adore the winter, back when I was in primary school and it lead to canceled classes & Christmas magic. But now that I'm a) outta school & b) a licensed driver, I have grown to despise the season as a bringer of stress and fright! I guess it doesn't also help that when I first started driving, I had a recurring dream that I was involved in a snowy car wreck [feat. I killed someone]! Terror City!

Durante the past tres semanas we had prox 3 snowstorms here on the East coast. Lucky for me, Mr. Pasteeeeeeeeeelnick let me stay @ his place for four nights so I wouldn't have to commute to and from Nueva Nueva in the blizzard. And while it was a great help, I still envisioned the crap fiesta that would await me when I got back to Jerzee and found my car in the bus station parking lot. Here are before and after shotz of mah car:

Sure, it might not seem too bad, but what sucked butt was how the snowplowz seemed to clear out the entire parking lot, up until the drift that my car was stuck in. What a crock of crap! LAME FACTORY! It took me about 20 minutes to get mah nalgaz outta there (I LOVE Clint & his 4-wheel drive) which was obnoxious and made me late to werk!


It is mah firm belief that every single other person who is on the road is out to hurt me. Regardless of whether they actually harass me or not, they're all thinking about jetting their metallic bodies into my life and through mah dreamz! I've had a few close calls in my 5 years of driving and they've filled mis pantalones wiff caca every single time!

I also hate overly aggressive/dopey drivers that do any of the following: Tailgate me. Honk @ me. Honk near me. Honk @ all. Drive too slow. Drive too fast. Flip me off. Get in mah way. Talk on the phone. Drive on the road @ the same time as me.

Another thing I can't stand about other drivers is how TERRIBLE peepz seem to be @ parking. Sure, it took me some gettin' used to, but within a month of having my license, I was able to park and parallel park wiffout much issue. Which is why I don't understand how dificil it is for perasonaz to dump their goddamn carz in between the clearly marked space lines in parking lotz! Do it near me and hellz yeah I'ma smash mah car door into your new pantjob [edit: "paintjob" but it stayz]! Park better, azzholes. If I had gutz I would totez leave a lil' bitchy note like these heroez of mine did:


Of course the most obvious reason I loathe driving is the possibility of getting into an accident. (like one of these beauties of destruction). Be it due to either of the aforementioned factorz or mah own stupidity or whathaveu, the prospect of damaging mah car (or myself/other hoz) scares the bloody taint offa me!

Back during my Junior year of college (a week before mah birfday!) I got into a car accident when I switched lanes and some dumbazz 18-year-old kid smashed into the back of mah car and sent poor helpless Clint careening into some grrrl's vehicle. The back of mi coche was smashed hardxxxcore, as were the other two vehicles involved. It was mad stressful and somehow it got blamed on me for switching lanes too dangerously. I had to pay a large chunk of change to get my car fixed ($1,000!!) and to pay off my ticket ($80!!). My insurance covered the damages to the other buttholez, but that caused my rate to go up and my life to suck more!

This is what mah car looked like despues de la accidente:

So there we have it folkz! These reasonz why driving dragz mah scaredy cat azz to hell (not in a good way). What about you? Tu te gusta racin' down the road? Are you a safe driver or a butthole as defined by me earlier? Are automobiles your friends or your sworn enemiez?!


Tam said...

In general I don't mind driving. Last summer we went all the way down to North Carolina and back. Okay, I HATED driving in Cleveland and yes, I got lost in Richmond, but otherwise it was fine.

Snow: Well, I don't have much choice. We are mostly used to driving in snow so most people aren't too weird about it and our snow plows are pretty good as a rule. I did kind of do a skiddy slidy thing Tuesday morning at the stop sign, but there was no one else around.

Other peeps: NOTHING makes me more berserk than rush hour traffic with some *old* fart going 80 in the 100 zone when most of us are trying to go 120. Get the fuck off the road and take the back lanes. Whew. It just makes me crazy. Oh, that's km/h not mph so relax, I'm not THAT wacky. And people who can't freaking park between the lines are another vent my child has heard more than once in her young life. If your car is too bloody big to fit, then sell it.

Accidents: Someone rear ended me in my new car (well, just over a year old). Pissed me off. Luckily I was not at all to blame and didn't have to pay anything to have it repaired but it's still a pain to deal with the insurance and rental cars and blah blah blah.

So as long as I have some music I don't mind driving. Most of the time I'd rather drive because then I'm in control. I can leave when I want and am not at the mercy of public transport or other people. Stay safe. :-D

Milo said...

Have you read JG Ballard's 'Crash'? A masterpiece, though maybe not one for you to read!

I don't mind driving and actually quite like it, but not in central London itself; too stressful.

Dave2 said...

I don't mind driving so much... except for the other people on the road who don't know how to drive well. THAT'S what makes driving such a massive exercise in futility and frustration. THAT'S what makes my blood pressure explode. THAT'S what turns me into a homicidal maniac. THAT'S what sucks so bad about driving... everything else... the snow, the parking, whatever... I can manage. But the PEOPLE. Blargh.

Mel said...

I once drove a 16ft. moving van [feat. my car towed on trailer behind it] down the Bronx Expressway during morning rush hour in the middle of a tropical downpour. I figured if I can do that I can manage pretty much anything.

That said, every single car I've ever owned has been hit by some stupid motherfucker at some point - most of the time with me in it. The worst one was a head-on that landed me in the hospital for 3-4 days and out of work for two months for all my broken bones to heal. I still commute an hour each way and don't mind it, but you'd better believe I watch what all those other idiots are doing.

Ryan said...

I hate it when people panic rather than make minor adjustments to their planned route. At an intersection near my home, a lot of people suddenly realize that they are in the middle lane and want to turn left. Instead of merging safely into the left lane and making a U-turn at the next light (which is annoyingly only a few hundred feet down the road) they make a sudden left turn across traffic, often ending when their car half in the turn lane and half in the left lane.

Tam: I've grown to prefer driving myself places after an incident where I ended up spending several extra hours at a get together because my ride didn't feel like leaving. In retrospect, I probably should have taken a bus back home, but I wasn't as familiar with that part of town at the time.

Verification: stormit. How appropriate.

Ryan said...

The only accident I've been in was one where I knocked off my mirror by getting too close to a truck.

john said...

I love driving and do most of it in my house. When we go out together, I usually drive, mostly so I can determine the music we listen to while in transit. I also can stay up longer and won't risk falling asleep at the wheel.

Snow doesn't bother me. Living in New England, I'm used to snow, ice, sleet, slush, etc. The secret to driving in snow, drive more conservatively. Oh and don't be an a55.

As for other people, meh, I ignore most of them. Tailgate me? Fine, I'll slow down. Flip me off? Whatever, an insult is only as good as the person it comes from. Traffic? Whatever, can't control it, so why get upset about it, as long as I have good music, I'm good.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Tam: It's a catch-22. I HATE driving, but I also get mad anxious not being in control when I am a passenger. When David drove he & I down to Philly last month, I was grabbing for the "OH SHIT!" bar every ten secondz!

Milo: That book sounds like a combo of two Chuck Palahniuk books I liked ("Snuff" & "Rant")...I think I'll check it out!

Dave2: Other people are one of mah least favo things in the entire mundo! They're all crazy. Frrrealz.

Mel: I think if I got into a head-on collision, that if I didn't die from the physical impact of the accident, my heart would just explode due to the rush of anxiety that would shoot into it. You're a stronger man than I!

Ryan: I also hate indecisive drivers! Unless of course, I am that wishywashy driver. I only become really fickle in my driving when I am in a new location and have no idea where I am going. To solve this, I just don't drive anywhere more than half an hora from mi casa!

John: Music is a staple in my car. Wiffout it, I start to go stir crazy and talk to myself. Lately, I've been blasting Ke$ha non-stop. Good for me!

David said...

You? Nervous driving? Really?

All I will say is next time I drive you anywhere I am sedating you first.

Loved the Xtina and P!nk license plates.

john said...

All I will say is that V.I.P. is a great song by which to drive.

Polt said...

Snows not a problem for me, as long as it's not over 6 inches on the road I'm trying to get through.

Accidents, yeah I've had my fair share of those, and more, actually, but I think the last one was back in the mid-90s, and wasn't my fault.

Other drivers, oh now THIS gets my stress level up like you wouldn't imagine! I want to have laser guns mounted on the hood of my car so I can shoot out the wheels of the idiot in front of me going 15 MPH on the freakin' Interstate, or the guy who pulled out in front of me and then went really slow, or the guy who keeps his turn signal on for 20 miles, or...well you get the idea.

But that just makes me hate other drivers, it doesn't make me hate driving.

And you be careful out there.


Chris D. said...

I used to dislike driving almost as much as you. I was a nervous driver. In high school my best friend did all the driving when we went out since he loved to drive, and I hated it.

Once I started to come out, I ended up driving _all_ over the place. I attended a coming out support group every week in North Brunswick. I actually use to drive on the Rt. 1, Rt. 18 interchange in New Brunswick. That is was one seriously crazy road with something like a three lane cross merge with people speeding like mad! It was amazing I never had an accident there.

I also would drive to gay events in Asbury Park, New Hope, Princeton and Jersey City. Once I became friends with a musician I started driving to his gigs, and going on tours with him. I once drove us all the way from NJ to Florida! Driving an hour just to hang out with friends was no big deal for me.

I guess I just got used to driving. Now I don't think anything of driving on many of the roads that used to make me most nervous. I think that having a GPS device also helps me to be more comfortable driving in strange places.

madtexter ☺☺☺☺☺☺ (corey james) said...

Great post! If you don't wanna experience driving with crazy people, don't come to Atlanta. This place has the STUPIDEST drivers. I only live two miles from my job, and sometimes I still feel like I'm risking my life taking side streets to work. And I avoid the highway at all costs if I can.

Sometimes, I wish I drove a big ol' dump truck so I could ram some of those fools off the road!

Adam said...

I'm 29 and I'm on car #7! (featuring: accidents, fire, etc.) I don't really like driving, but I feel like I'm always behind the wheel. Watch out for me! I'm often talking on the phone, texting, tailgating, honking, flipping people off and screaming like a crazy person (usually all at the same time)! :-D

Justin said...

I'm so tired and it's so late I'm going to post and run (without reading everybody else's much-better-than-mine posts).

All I want to say this run around is that that note-leaver is MY HERO TOO!

It drives me crazy when people park over the lines -- and they do it ON PURPOSE! I've seen people park in between the lines, then think better of it, back up, and deliberately park across the lines so they take two spots. Because they're SOOOO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than NORMAL people.

Once I parked next to somebody -- AT WORK -- who had parked right on the line -- he clearly meant to take two spots but hadn't quite managed to park all the way over the lines so as to deprive me of a total spot. So I squeezed in. There was enough room for him to get into his car (barely), but I was well within my lines (and even slightly to the left, to leave him as much room as possible).

But when I got back to my car, I found that he had been SO ENRAGED that I had DARED to park next to the spot that he had claimed, that he had keyed my car. And keyed it BUT GOOD. Large circular curlycues and flourishes all over my hood, the driver's side, and the passenger's side. He made sure he keyed every panel of the body. Thankfully my insurance paid for it all, and I filed a police report of course (since it was criminal vandalism), but I found out that the "security cameras" my employer has are actually fake, and they had no record of who had done the damage. I should have noted his license plate when I parked next to him. :P

that's J-O-S-H said...

David: I'll be sure to have my daterape whistle ready the second you drug me!

Polt: I hate people tailgating me (give me a break, car is old and has a slow acceleration speed!) but then I often do it when old dusties are in front of me and going ten miles under the limit!

Chris D.: If I had a GPS system, I would totez be much calmer when it came down to driving. My fears really stem from not knowing where I am and the panic that ensues from that. Plus, I rarely trust MapQuest directions. Just like other drivers, I assume that the internet is also out to get me, thus provide me incorrect directions.

MadTexter: I love commuting by bus and how EVERYONE gets outta the bus'. No matter how crazy or terrible the driver is, everyone secedes to the pure size and strength of the bus!

Adam: I'm 23 (24 in a week!) and still on car #1! I hope this is the only car I drive. My plan is to use Clint until I move to the city and use public transportation for the rest of my life!

Justerz: I would have just busted in his windows [read as: cried about how he was a "meanie weanie" until he drove away laughing @ my pitiful wimpering].

Justin said...

Josherz: by the time I got back and saw that he had keyed my car, he was long gone. :-(

As for driving, I *LURRVV* it. It's the only way my Y chromosome gets to assert itself!!!

I started very late. I took driver's ed in HS of course but I never bothered to get my license back then. I went to HS in a small college town, Urbana, Illinois (isolated oasis set in a perfectly flat landscape of miles and miles of nothing but miles and miles of nothing feat. soybean fields and corn fields and silos). My parents had only one car, and it was a manual transmission. The town was small enough that I could walk to campus -- the University of Illinois, which is where me and my friends hung out for fun (feat. computer terminals). It was about a 30 min. walk. Granted, a lot of my friends lived way across town (Champaign-Urbana had a population of about 90k in those days) so I needed rides from friends if I was going pretty much anywhere but campus. But I did a **LOT** of walking. A *****LOT****. I used to be very thin :-)

When I was at college in New Haven, we were all taught that New Haven was scary and we should never venture off campus. I felt no need for a car then either. My trips away from New Haven, apart from flights home for Christmas and Summer, were all to NYC by commuter rail. And you don't need a car there, either.

I first started seriously missing having a car (and a driver's license) when I got back from college. That was back when I still had a bad habit of falling in love with straight guys, and when I also was convinced that there was no such thing as a long-term relationship between gay men, and being gay just meant sordid anonymous hook-ups in bathrooms and rest stops (not that I did those things; but that's all I ever heard about, even from the first few gay men I ever spoke to). There was a woman who was in love with me, and she taught me to drive on her Ford Escort and I finally got my driver's license at age 22 (coincidentally the same year I lost my virginity, sort of).

I took to driving like a fish to water or like Judy Garland to barbiturates. I loved the freedom to be able to drive wherever I wanted. When my woman friend was at work, she would let me take her car. I loved to run errands and go grocery shopping and just drive around for fun.

Justin said...

When I moved to Boston for grad. school she eventually came to join me (we even got engaged at one point) and so I drove around here, too. I found driving in Boston ****TERRIFYING****. It was nothing like the midwest. People here were so aggressive and so rude -- they would honk at you before the light even TURNED green. And nobody here ever yields if they're making a left turn with oncoming traffic. They just peel off as if they have right of way.

This kind of driver we call a "Masshole". Massholes always have right of way, and they never signal. And they make left turns from right lanes or vice versa.

Not only are Boston drivers very aggressive, but a lot of them are stupid-aggressive. I've seen people just clear a little circle in the snow in their windshield and drive around without having cleared any snow off their side or rear windows. They just assume other people will see them and stop for them (even with snow/ice on the ground). I've seen people pull out of side-streets without looking, then as soon as they get onto the main road, they immediately stop to make a left turn. But you also get the opposite extreme: the people who will kindly stop to let several people (who don't have right of way) make a left turn in front of them, even though there is a line of prox a million cars behind them waiting to get through the green light, and then finally they are the only one who gets to make the green while everybody else behind them is now stranded at a red.

And once I got stranded trying to make a left turn across some trolley tracks and the Green Line T trolley was coming and I couldn't complete the left and the train didn't look like it was going to slow down for me and I thought I was going to die. Fun times. :-)

Now, however, I'm a very accomplished Boston driver. I pride myself on not making STUPID moves, but I am very aggressive. When friends come to visit me from the midwest, I turn them into white-knuckled shrieking passengers without even meaning to. I'm literally going "what? what? what did I do this time?" And I am very used to driving on the highway at 70 mph in bumper-to-bumper traffic with everybody tailgating everybody. I won't say I'm a Masshole, but I know how to handle myself around them.

Ryan and Dave2 -- I'm really shocked to hear that west-coast drivers are bad, too!

Ryan said...

Yesterday, I took a ride with a friend on what was apparently his dozenth or so time driving. I guess that's what we get for letting kids grow up in urban areas with good mass transit infrastructure.

hoteltuesday said...

I hate driving for all the same reasons. You know I'm a calm kid and I don't get mad easily... But as SOON as someone honks their horn, I am ready to hop outta my car and drag them to hell (again, not in the good way) for being rude!