Saturday, February 6, 2010

Obsessive Compulsive Dumbass

Mr. David said that he tinkz I am brave to be writing about this. I think that I'm just foolish and crave attention in any way that I can think of. I want to be famous [see the first installment of No Boundariez that I wrote wiff my BFFL Enrico] and if I can get just one more comment by exxxposing and exxxploiting my embarrassing weaknesses and flawz, then I'ma do it! Anything for my art.

Anywayz, ever since I was a little tot & a half, I've always had these odd and sometimes distracting ticks that minimally yet still prevalently affect the way I go about mah day. These minor retardationz that fart about en mi cabeza are usually brought on by accidents or mistakes I've made in the past that have thus made me overly cautious.

For example, once I closed the refrigerator door yet didn't check to make sure that it was shut thoroughly, so the next day there was a HUGE puddle in front of the appliance with quite a bit of spoiled crap on the inside. Yuck Central! Consequentially, now I am uncompromisingly addicted to much more cognizant of the fridge door and I have to run my hand alongside the door's edge to make sure that it is shut all the way. But that's nuffin'...let's expose more of mah kooky little quirkz [read as: attempt to convince you folks that there is sumfing serial wrong wiff me] via the medium of crude MS Paint animationzzz:


The Door
So this is a common tick that I've seen countless peepz on countless Discovery Health showz chatterbox about. Not sure what caused it, but I am constantly in fear of someone breaking into mah house and stealing all my possessions [read as: garbage that I really should throw out] from me. Or worse, I am possessed by the idea that someone is gonna sneak into mi casa when I'm asleep and go into mah room and stare @ me like a creep festival. Then, as soon as I wake up, they jump on me and cut my insides out and BBQ mi cuerpo like it's the 4th of July!

So to quell this nagging bitch of a fear, I have been known to check the doorknob of mah house repeatedly until my brain figures out that it is in fact locked. Sometimes I'll shake the handle (quite aggressively, as though I'm a thief and trying to bust in the door) and walk away, yet still feel unsure of my house's safety and therefor need to check the puerta as many times as it takes to put mah mind @ ease.


The Pockets
There are always four things that I carry about wiff me in the pockets of mis pantolones o chaqueta: My cellphone, my wallet [feat. credit cards & ID], my MP3 player & my keyz. They're like a little posse of necessities that travel wiff me wherever I go & anyone that's spent a significant time with me will know that I am constantly under the impression that in any second I will suddenly lose one of them and have to kill myself since the stress of the situation would be too debilitating for me.

I have this scenario running through my clusterfuckfest of a noggin where I lose these four items and some terrible things begin to happen: 1) My phone gets charged wiff a thousand calls to Guatemala/Zimbabwe/New Zealand/rando other faraway countries and my bill goes through da roof. 2) My credit cards get maxxxed out and I go bankrupt while someone begins impersonating me and using my I.D. to buy drinkz for minorz. 3) I become locked outta my house not that it would even matter since I wouldn't have my car keys to drive home in da first place. Therefore I have to resort to being homeless and eating newspapers for dinner. And 4) Someone would delete the music off of my MP3 player and replace it with terrible overrated hell music like Bon Jovi, Nirvana, U2 or Nickelback.

So if any of you folkz like me enough to go out wiff moi, keep an eye on my hands and how they are more or less glued to the inside of my pockets, ensuring that my four blessed accompaniments are safely kept in my gorilla-grip grasp at all timez.


The Stove
One time when I was still in college and livin' wiff some amigaz in an off-campus abode, a housemate of mine accidentally left the gas on our stove when she went out for the night. I was the only one home when I got there and the entire kitchen was hazzzy and had that disconcerting suffocating smell that tells your brain to not effing light a match.

I got mad upset and wrote some sort of passive aggressive note on the Passive Aggressive Note White Board that we hung in the kitchen about it. I feel like my fear of the house burning down was justified and it has potentially scarred me for life now. Whenever I use the stove to concoct some sort of culinary delight of heavenly porportionz [aka pasta, canned soup or grilled cheese], I am crippled by my desire to want to check and recheck the gas switch 1,000+ times before I feel comfortable leaving the room. By the time I feel sure of the fact that my house and life aren't goin' to be incinerated, my food is usually cold but I still nosh it down, happy to know that my life isn't goin' up in flames (that night).


The Car
It is wiff Clint [aka my resilient '91 Subaru Loyale] that I outwardly demonstrate the most psychotic & dramatic example of my O.C.D. issuezzz. As anyone who has ever driven with me can tell you, leaving the automobile once I've reached my destination is a long and irritatingly bizarre routine that I must do or Gawd help me, I'll be anxious for the rest of the day.

Several events from my past [i.e. leaving the windows cracked during a rainstorm, not shutting the door thoroughly so the inside light stayed on and drained my car battery, and not locking my doors when I was on a weekend trip & left my car in a bad neighborhood] has made me so ridiculously anal about my car that I've had peepz refuse to want to drive wiff me simply for the fact that it takes me about 10 minutez (on a good day) to leave my car once I have parked.

My mantra routine involves leaving the car and making sure I watch the interior light go off when I shut the door, walking around my car and violently pulling on the door handles, and running my hand along where Clint's windows meet the car's rubber seal to guarantee that everything is watertight and safe. I often ALWAYZ have to do said procedures multiple times to put mah mind relatively @ ease. Am I retarded yet?!


The Alarm
This is an annoyance that has plagued me since I was in high school. Due to mah tendency to stay up late doing absolutely nuffin' blogging/writing poetry/playing video gamez/reading, I never end up hitting the hay as early as I should. So therefor I am one of those folkz that will never get as much sleep as they need and will forever depend on the beautiful death siren of their alarm clock to make sure they get up when they need to for school/work.

There have been COUNTLESS times when I have missed classes or have been late to werk due to my stupid brain forgetting to set my alarm before I glided on off to Supa Slumber City. So nowadayz, before I slip into my fantastical dream world, I must put on my cap of full concentration and turn my alarm on and off an abundance of times in an attempt to convince my mind that YES, the alarm is on and YES, it is set @ the right time.

Peepz who have been blessed enough yeah, blessed enough to share my intimately uncomferz twin-sized bed can vouch for this obnoxious and utterly bizarre routine. I'm supa serial, I'll stare @ my alarm clock with mah sleepy bloodshot eyes and turn it on & off & on & off until my stupid head accepts the fact that it is indeed set to wake me at 7:00, 8:00, 5:09 or whatever early bastard azz time I need to awake at.

======================================

So there we have it folkz. If any doctors or self-proclaimed know-it-allz are reading this, do you think I am a mental fuck-up that needs drugz/hours upon hours of counseling?? If so, can you direct me to someone who will provide their licensed services pro bono? Tanx!


24 comments:

David said...

This is the gospel truth, folks. I've built in time in the mornings when he stays over so we have time to handle all the routines in order to leave the house on time.

But when you have the deluxe model, sometimes the maintenance is a little high. Small price to pay, I sez.

Mel said...

Gah, and I thought my David was bad.

Here in the wonderland that is Maine, we don't lock our houses up. In fact, I don't even know if we have keys to all our doors. Don't lock up the cars at home, either, but I do at work.

Adam said...

I have lots of weird OCD moments too -- but mine are more about counting things (and other weird shit) than actual obsessions like yours.


Emoliker = someone who likes emo people?

Michelle M. said...

Awww, I'm sorry to hear about your OCD. I do the alarm thing too (3 times). And knock on wood. I think it's either a sign of genius or a descent into insanity. In which case we can go shopping for straight jackets together - and Harry and David can tenderly wipe away our drool after our lobotomy/electro shock therapy party - Wheee!

tornwordo said...

HA, you remind me of my father. You know this stuff only intensifies with age, don't you? Lol. (Ps, I love how you sprinkle the spanish in there. I'm only learning, but when I know to what you are referring, I get a little jolt of pleasure. Cabeza! I had a Taco al cabeza the other day.)

john said...

Well, I'd like to think I'm not a know-it-all and I'm certainly not a doctor, but I've got enough experience working in mental health to know you aren't "a mental fuck-up".

Sure you may be a little anxious and it may be an annoyance in your life at times, but it isn't completely debilitating. I've seen OCD where a woman would open a new bar of soap each time she washed her hands and did so at least 20 times each time she washed. Her hands were raw, never mind the expense.

Tam said...

I think most of us do that to a point. After I forgot to lock my car and my ipod was stolen I became ultra-paranoid about making sure it was locked (even though there was now nothing worth stealing inside), but with most people it fades over time. Now I'm never sure if I locked it or not although when I park near the crack-park at work I do take precautions. Bloody junkies.

If I have to get up for something, like to catch a flight, get my kid to school for final exams, etc. I don't sleep worth a damn because I'm sure a) I didn't set the alarm b) I set it for pm instead of am or c) I'll sleep through it, so I wake up every 20 min. to check.

So as John said, you are a long way from totally f-ed up and most of your anxieties stem from real threats at one time. That stove thing was bloody dangerous. I suppose if it really starts to interfere with your life there are things you can do to deal with it, but if it's not to that point, we'll call it a lovable quirk. :-)

Polt said...

The door thing doesn't bother me too much, my doors lock once they shut...which led to the whole locking myself out in the rain escapade in November. So that sucked, but at least I don't have to worry about it not being locked.

At least once a day I'm checking my back pocket just to make sure the wallet is still there. And since the aforementioned locked out in the rain escapade, I'm always double checking my pockets for keys before i shut the door when leaving.

Never cooked with gas, and I barely even use the electric stove, so that's not an issue for me.

The car doors: *SIGH* I'm in the habit of locking them as soon as I open the door to get out. But since it's a habit, sometimes I can't remember if I actually did it. Thank God for keyless entry, I can just hit the button after I'm away from the car and make sure its done.

And I used my phone as my alarm, and I set it right before I crawl into bed as I plug it in to recharge. And honestly, with my work I've overslept a few times for not turning it on, but it's govt work, so I dont' HAVE to be there exactly on time.

If these perks of yours get to be too much of an intrusive burden on your life, Sassy josh, then see someone about it. There's treatments they can do to help you get over these. But otherwise, if it's not adversely affecting your day, we'll just call them eccentric peccadillos and say they come with being The Sassy One! :)

HUGS...

the naughty butternut said...

Sweetie -

Can I call you sweetie? You're just so darn cute.

I feel some of your pain. I do the alarm clock thing. One can't be too careful, and the damn light that indicates "on" on my clock is squirrely. You'd think I'd fork over the $15 to get a new one, but that would unleash a learning curve that I might not survive. So I back up that clock with my cell phone, the alarm function on which I still don't completely comprehend. Typically I have to turn the alarm on the cell phone on and off at least a half dozen times. Then I obsess over whether or not I have the volume turned up. Then I wring my hands a little over whether or not getting a wrong # call in the middle of the night with the volume turned up to concert level will totally wreck my slumber. And there are any number of variations on this theme that I won't bore you with here.

Keep in mind one of the most brilliant men on the planet, David Sedaris, rose to the heights of fame riding his magic carpet of OCD. These little quirks make us so much more entertaining.

So you might not be the first brilliant essayist created from bricks and mortar of panic and compulsion, but you could be next!

All best - and still very much amused by your bloggings,

the naughty butternut

Justin said...

David. "Deluxe model." What a hopeless, sweet romantic bastard you are :-)

Joshercopterz. First off. You name your car. That's adorable. My parents named all their cars. It was very common in the UK when they were young. I almost never hear of anybody in this country, let alone in this day and age, naming their cars.

My platonic life partner Lisa does many of the same things you do: with the fridge door, with the car, etc. Not because SHE has ever left the fridge door open or the car windows rolled down, but because *I* have done these things. I left the freezer open once AND the fridge open more than once. I forgot to pull the hand-break once and was in a store when I heard what sounded awfully similar to my car alarm going off and sort of absent-mindedly glanced outside and there was my car in the middle of the parking lot, having rolled bang into a car across the aisle, and having missed two little old ladies who were looking rather shaken. So Lisa always obsessively checks doors, lights, windows, and hand break.

I *definitely* do your thing about the alarm clock :P

And I do the thing with the pockets.

By the way -- two things that will make you feel better:

(1) I promise that whenever I stand over your bed staring at you like a creep festival, I will NOT pull out your insides or use them for BBQ.

(2) If you leave your gas on, chances are your house won't burn down. It will just blow up. So no suffering will be incurred by any inhabitants, human or feline. It will blow up so spectacularly in fact that there will literally be nothing left but some splinters and a blackened hole in the ground. This happens every once in a while and makes the news. My parents once left their house in Illinois for about 9 months and when my father got back the house had had a gas leak for a while; he was smart enough not to turn the light switch on. The firemen told him when they got there that if he had, there might have been enough of a spark from turning on the light that the entire house would have gone *boom* and there would have been nothing left.

Does that help? :-)

Milo said...

I didn't know you were OCD. How dreadful. But at least you're aware of it.

I guess we all have it to varying degrees? I have to wash my hands after travelling on the tube (that's every morning and evening) as I detest the thought of holding onto railings and suchlike in the tube carriages that have been handled by the great unwashed.

Not sure what else I am OCD about. I don't think there's much else. Sheridan insists on 'washing' meat (imagine a pork chop or a piece of steak) under the tap (WTF?!) before cooking it which I think is totally absurd. He also takes fistfuls of vitamins and suchlike so is OCD about his health, I spose.

Justin said...

Milo, you are *totally* right to wash your hands after being on the tube and not wanting to touch the railings etc. It's called "not wanting to catch a cold". That's how most colds (and flu) are spread. It's perfectly rational and I do it too.

And frankly I think Sheridan is right to rinse meat before cooking it. It isn't always absolutely necessary, but oftentimes meat will have a kind of slimy coating that you can feel that comes off with washing and, ya know what, that's bacteria. It's not dumb to wash it off, and it often has a bit of a smell that goes away when you rinse. I think Sheridan has the right idea :-)

that's J-O-S-H said...

David: And by "deluxe" you must mean "broken-down and defective but I didn't keep the receipt so I can't return him so I guess he'll stay on my desk as a paperweight."

Mel: Since moving into this house in the woods, I actually don't lock the door all the time, since we are so secluded. But when I lived in a more urban area, I had to check the door 13+ times before I felt safe!

Adam: I hate math, so counting rarely enterz mah head. Though when I am walking up & down stairs, I do too tend to count each step as I go.

Michelle: Yay! I can't wait to go through a Sylvia Plath in the "Bell Jar" remix!

Tornwordo: So I'm only gonna get mas loco en mi cabeza as I get mas viejo?! Arg!

John: Funny how any O.C.D. tickz would require me to spend a lot of $$$ are immediately crushed by my anxiety of losing all mi dinero.

Tam: I think my distrust of everyone and everything in the entire world has led me to this level of insanity. Everything is scary!

Polt: I also set my phone to go off five minutes after my normal alarm, just in case the power goes out @ night and the alarm resets.

Butternaught: You may call me anyting you want! Even if it's rude central! I lurrrve Mr. Sedaris and thoroughly enjoy his self-deprecating self-exploitationz!

Justerz: But my ribs taste so good slathered in chili sauce and served wiff a side of coleslaw!

Milo: I am a big proponent of consistently washing my mits, cuz in mah mind, everything I touch is covered with cancer and I will immediately perish if I don't scrub the germz away.

Ryan said...

I'm glad that I am able to squash those nagging questions for the most part, although I did once freak out for a moment about losing my car keys until I remembered that I was driving.

Chris Doley's Resonance is about a character who has OCD with a fear that breaking his rules will cause the world to randomly change, with the twist being that his fears are well-founded. If anyone is interested in it, it is in the Baen Free Library:
http://www.webscription.net/10.1125/Baen/1416509127/1416509127.htm

Tam said...

Shit, I could have used a bit more alarm clock OCD last night. I changed the time but didn't turn it on. Arggghh. Instead of 6:15 I woke up at 7:15. I'll still be on time more or less but it's way more stressful to leap out of bed in seconds rather than lay there and brood about getting up for 20 min. Sigh. Oh yea, it's Monday.

artful said...

I think you're lacking self-confidence. Life is unpredictable and humbling. We all screw up, and misplace things. We all forget to set the alarm, lock the door, turn off the gas, and close the frig. We've all been ripped off. It's not illogical to acknowledge that bad things happen, or can happen. But most of us believe we can handle it.. or enlist friends and family or co-workers and some how take care of our problems without having to routinely run through a check list and retrace our steps. You need to learn to believe in your ability to successfully negotiate the vagaries of life. You can process and master your universe better than anyone else. Believe in your abilities and you're worries and anxieties will diminish.

Mariel said...

i do the same thing with the alarm. youre not alone.

Justin said...

Butternutter: he IS a sweetie. But be careful what you call him. There are ravenous theropods ready to eat you in one gulp. And he won't need to use barbecue sauce.

Josherz: if D-rex is gonna use you as a paperweight, I wonder just how much paper you think you could weigh down with that famously-emaciated cuerpo of yours?

:D

Lora said...

I noticed your gorilla grip. I noticed it because I, too, am a gorilla gripper.

See Josh, I'm one of you. Although I must say, that I've aged out of a lot of it.
While my "O" still runs hot and strong, I'm just too old/tired/lazy to give into most of the "C" anymore.

I consider myself to have OcD rather than OCD. I call that marked improvement, don't you? I'm hoping by the time I hit 40, I just have OD.

Melody, Destroyer of Dreams said...

there are many studies and lots of research on the fact that those who tend to lean towards being very creative and artistic also tend to have one or more mental hang up and issues, anxiety, depression, OCD, the list goes on.

Basically, you're a genius and your brain can't handle it all the time so it shorts out and weird ways. No biggie <3

Nathan V said...

OCD is what makes people interesting. I'm never too concerned about locked doors and such, 'cause I know that if a burglar wants in your home, a locked door probably won't stop them. I lock it of course, but I don't worry about it.

Anyways, my car has a name too! Richard Parker II. Hyundai Accent, 1999.

Anonymous said...

I want to name my car too! What a great idea!

Guess what my research paper was about when I took abnormal psych? All about OCD! You DO NOT have OCD. Anxiety yes, a bit obessive compulsive...perhaps. But a disorder? No way. True OCD is when the little habits become so disruptive that it becomes too difficult to lead a normal life...until eventually you start avoiding situations in which you feel anxiety. So when you start not leaving the house because your afraid of unlocked doors, stop using your car, have multiple alarm clocks (I'm not talking two or three...but 15 +), stop using stoves altogether, and finally when it starts taking multiple HOURS to leave the house etc., then you can worry darling.

Take care little bro, we ALL have our little quirks. Like many of your wise fellow bloggers have written...that's what makes us interesting! And yes, a highly creative mind tends to have more than the average joe. Your an artist through and through!

Much love,
Cindy

hoteltuesday said...

I was going to comment about each line that I laughed at but there are too many. YOU CRACK ME UP. Next time we hang out, I'll point out each golden line.

I HAVE THOSE FOUR ITEMS ON ME ALL THE TIME TOO. I have designated pockets for them (duh).

And why don't you check your car like crazy when you park at my house?! I have scary neighbors too. lol.

Anonymous said...

I have to tell you Josh, that every time you come over, dad and I laugh as we watch you run through your routine with your car! It started one day a while ago when dad called me to the kitchen window and said..."Gretch, watch how long it takes Josh to thoroughly inspect the Suburu before he leaves it!" I laughed and said "that's Josh!" But I have one too. One of my greatest fears is locking my keys in the car. I have done this more than once in the past, and it is a living Hell (as you know). Once, when you were a baby, I locked both my keys and YOU in the car, and I totally freaked! So now every time I get out of my car I check my purse at least 2 times for my keys before I close the car door, even though I know they're in there! Love, mom