Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Brownie Deluxe Meal

As I've mentioned several timez before, I sadly [read as: indifferently] don't have cable @ mah place of residence, thus keeping me from keeping up wiff all the televisor gossip and chatter that everyone engagez in all the time. I actually don't really give a hoot since I don't find mahself ever wishing to loaf about and just stare @ a TV screen. Netflix fills up mah lazzzy bones time just nicely and what wiff my schedule during the week that gets me home kinda late, I don't think I'd really have the ability to stay dedicated to any sitcoms or such.

But as unimportant as television has become to me in the past year or so, I have to admit that my inability to partake in mah favo obsession, American Idol has gotten me a tad blue what wiff the new season starting last month. But luckyducky para me, Mr. Pasteeeeeeelnick a) has cable; and b) lets me crash @ his place on Wednesdays so I don't have to commute all the way back to da Dirrty Jerzeeee since I have to werk in Brooklyn on Thursdays anyway.

So last week, when we had our weekly get together, I suggested told him that we should go back to his place and watch Idol and watch guest judge Katy Perry verbally insult Kara DioGuardi. It was quite entertaining, but after the show, I got mad hungerzzz and asked [read as: non-stop complained] if we could make a snack or sumfing before I passed out and died. So we bought some Betty Cockhead brownie mix and got to werk...

I put the box in a glass bowl and watched it for 15 minutez, yet nuffin' happened and the package remained still and unbrownie-shaped.


It didn't taste too hawt.


I then attempted to cook the browniez via microwaving/toastering/ovening the box, but too very little success.


David scolded me for being a weetard, so I sulked in the bathroom and drank wine by myself...


...while David read the directionz like a normal person.


After crying for three horaz, I plopped outta the bathroom and had David read the directionz to me. First I put the magic brownie cocaine powder into a bowl and I cracked some dead pre-baby chickerz into it.


Then I posed like a desperate whore and poured in some veggie oil...


...or did I pour in the rest of my white wine?! I don't know or care.


I began stirring until my arm hurt [prox 2 minutes and then David took over].


I then got confused and ate all the batter like a fat lardazz. After David was done beating me, we repeated all the aforementioned steps and put the shit in the horno before I could inhale it all a second time.


Then David pulled out da browniezzz and made a goofball face.

I cut them cuz I iz a good helper.


I then taste-tested all of them while a zombie Michelle Obama jealously watched me from inside the TV.


To ensure that I stay thin and emaciated, I puked all the decadent treatz back up into the toilet. Calories lead to getting fat which leads to me never being happy ever. A boy's gotta do what a boy's gotta do! And what I gotta do is binge eat and vom. Huzzah!


So who wantz to cook wiff me nexxxt time?!


27 comments:

Laura said...

Remember if you gain 10 lbz I'll kill you! because I'm a good friend. Also we should make funfetti feat. Val's jealousy and play T. Swift bandhero feat. drunk.

john said...

I'm glad you didn't turn completely sideways while cracking the eggs, we wouldn't have been able to see you...

Brownies are easy to make in a pinch, but cookies are the way to go. Oh, and make sure you brush your teeth after purging. Don't want to ruin your teeth with all that acid.

Adam said...

mmmmm brownies! i haven't had a brownie in forever cuz I ruined my life and went vegan. Loved "zombie Michelle Obama" and "Betty Cockhead"! David's kitchen curtain is ugly. :-D

David said...

David's kitchen curtain came with the apartment and he has better things to spend it on (aka cheap white wine) then a fooking kitchen curtain.

Mel said...

Um, Adam, you do know that you can do brownies vegan-style, right?

Personally, I like the Ghirardelli brownie mix the best. Tonight, though, we finished off the apple pie I made for my sweetie when he was feeling like poo last week.

Tam said...

That seems like entirely too much work but makes for a good post. We use the Pillsbury brownies in a tube. You simply snip off the end of the tube and squeeze it into he pan. It totally looks like a giant brownie turd that you smear around and bake. So look for Mr. Poppin' Fresh's brownies next time, you'll have fun with the tube before you push out the brownies. We have some in the fridge. Maybe tonight I'll make the girl child bake them.

Polt said...

The next time you get the desire to make brownies and yet preserve your waistline at the same time, I've got the perfect solution! Make them, but then send them to me! That way you get the thrill of making them but don't have to barf afterwards!

HUGS...

Lora said...

I almost cried last night because I was so hungry for brownies. Seriously. Tears were in there but they didn't spill out.

Had I been drinking wine, I woulda cried for reals.

Also, brownie puke?

Probably doesn't taste half bad.

Just thinking and saying.

In fact, you know how they say don't eat brownie batter because of the raw eggs? Well, brownie puke is probably just as delicious as brownie batter but it can't give you salmonella.

But like salmonella, it can give you a thinner waistline.

I think we can market this...

Craig said...

Adorable.

Ray Avito said...

I've got the binging down, but can't seem to muster up the energy to do the purging...

The initial bowl/microwave/stove efforts...**laughing**

Justin said...

Josherz: Nobody else answered your question, so I will:

*I* wantz to cook wiff you nexxxt time!

And *my* kitchen has no curtains at all! :D

BTW, John, I think we could still see Josherz if he stood sideways. Chris D is right: he *does* have a nice build.

(Uh-oh; the water in my glass is rippling....)

Anonymous said...

Great post Josh...you're just to adorable for your own good! Great photos; I love them all!

And by the way, puking after eating is useless because your body absorbs all the calories/fat from the food almost as soon as you swallow it. That is why people who just purge (not starve, then purge) actually don't look sickly thin...they just have bad breath, bad teeth, and their esophagus eventually becomes very damaged. Sounds so attractive right? These are just some random facts that I learned from my abnormal psych course...not from experience thank you very much (no matter what some people may have accused me of!) A word to the wise: After eating a lot of seafood it is never a good idea to chug the rest of your beer!

David: What a great place you have! Actually, to be specific, cute kitchen and bathroom! Wine over curtains any day!

Ghirardelli brownie mix is without a doubt the best!

-Cindy

Michelle M. said...

Oh josh. You are too adorable for words. And David is sweeter than brownies.
This post brought smiles and sunshine to an otherwise wretched day. I love you.

Now I'm going to go eat a box of thin mints because I have no brownies.

Ryan said...

I feel bad for banished-to-the-bathroom-josh. He looks so sad.

I was going to make cookies last week, but then my parents told me they were sending me some.

Nathan V said...

I would gladly help you cook sometime, but it's a bit of a schlepp to your place...

Jusitn said...

Jeez, Ryan. You're not only with cupcake, but you're soon to be with cookies? I am mad jelerzz of your dessert food abundance. 8-[]

Ryan said...

Justin: You make me sound like some sort of pastry octomom.

David said...

I purchased the exclusive rights to cooking/baking with Josh when I sold my soul to the Devil over the summer. The rest of you "Bake with Josh" wannabees will have to keep dreaming.

Until I get dragged to hell, of course.

Ryan said...

David: According to what I've seen in Supernatural, that means I have to wait nine and a half years. :-(

Tam said...

Maybe he could get his own show on Food Network. "Cooking with Josh" and we could all follow along as he makes preprepared foods from a box.

madtexter ☺☺☺☺☺☺ (corey james) said...

Oh Josh, you just made me laugh my arse off. I'm at work and people are wondering what I'm giggling at.

Justin said...

Ryan you realize from now in in all blogs when I address you it will be as "Hey, pastry octomom!" :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Josh! Brownies are by far my favorite chocolate treat, and way to good to puke up! Well, I hope you're happy, now I'm craving brownies, and I don't have any!!Now to answer your question, you know your dad would love to bake with you. But be prepared, He'll want to make them from scratch, not from a box! Love, mom

that's J-O-S-H said...

Laura: Brillz idea! We can eat an entire funfetti cake and then get drunk and dance around like a teenage girl [see: T. Swift's "You Belong With Me" video] and then get sick and vom up all the caloriez! We're so smart [feat. not the rest of Hopeless Valley Central High School]!

John: Cookies are mad e-z! You just squeeze those bitchez outta their tube and cook them until David pulls them outta the oven!

Adam: @ the restaurant that I begrudgingly still werk at, we occasionally have a vegan flourless chocolate cake that actually tastes kinda derrrrriciouz! Reminds me of a really dense chocolate brownie!

Mel: As much as I love cakey desserts [ie: browniezzz, cupcakes...etc.], I much prefer pies! Apple is one of mah favz, though it doesn't hold a fucking candle to strawberry rhubarb pie which I swear is what God's fecal matter is mad of. Soooo goooood.

Tam: Hahahahah! I love using children as baking slavez! Mmmm...that sounds soooo good, though I would for probz just push the entire tube of chocolate poo straight into mah gob [feat. feel mad sickercopterz an hour later].

Polt: But then my taste buds would get effing pizza-ed off and peace out and move outta my mouf!

Lora: I believe so too...bile that tastez like your favo after-dinner treatz?! Mmmm...Fla-Vor-Ice-flavored vom?! SIGN. ME. UP!

Craiggerz: Awwww! just like-a you!

Ray Avito: Just shove a toofbrush (preferably one that belongs to a roommate you're not too fond of) down tu garganta and wait for the volcano to start erupting! Then...INSTANTLY THIN!

Justerz: Ew! Stop insinuating seeing mah p33n, perverto!

Cindy: I don't care what your texxxting bookz say! Celebrities vom until they're thin, so I'm going to too!

Michelle: Hm...not too fond of Thin Mints mahself. I like the cookies with the caramel and coconut! Those little Whore Scout cookies are TO. DIE. FOR.

Ryan: Don't feel bad for me! Be happy that I'm one step closer to being on the cover of a magazine [aka looking sickly thin].

Nathan: What secret Canadian yum-yumz would be slop together?! Sumfing wiff marzipan I hope!

David: I saw the word "devil" and immediately got a hard-on for your derrrrriciouz deviled eggs. And I mean the eggs you make wiff mayo and mustard...not testicles, you pervertoz.

MadTexter: Tell all dem hookerz you werk wiff to calm the shit down and eat some baked goods [read as: get fat].

Mom: If he and I could slosh together sumfing even half as drool-worthy as the coconut cake he made last week, then I would be in nirvana central!

Justin said...

Josherz:

1. Where's this fabulous restaurant with its vegan flourless chocolate cake???? I sooo want to try it!!

2. I was SO not instinuating anything about p33n. Yes, even I can refrain from being a puntabuperv now and then. :-) It's just that Chris D pointed me to the designing-in-boxers pages at Enrico's blog and said that you had a nice build (I think he was referring to the picture on this page http://hoteltuesday.blogspot.com/2009/06/prjnct-challenge-1.html). In any event, I was referring to your chest, not your p33n. :P Especially the pictures directly above and below the line

"...or did I pour in the rest of my white wine?! I don't know or care."

So there. I am innocent of the taint of puntabuperversity. This time. ;-)

Milo said...

LOL at Michelle watching you from the TV! Is like Poltergeist!

Chris said...

I thought we only had such tiny bathrooms in Mexico where Mayans are extra tiny sometimes and the walls are only about 3' apart in any direction. But the baby blue seat is the very best. I love blue and white.

But seriously, do you really vom all your food? or only when you binge, because that would totally change my answer on the "haz I gotz ocd" post.

I think David is good for you. From the way it sounds, he can't be bad. Anywayz.