Don'tchuy'all fret though [read as: please do, so I feel validated in my existence]! I'll be back soooooooon wiff more deliciously
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Don'tchuy'all fret though [read as: please do, so I feel validated in my existence]! I'll be back soooooooon wiff more deliciously
Friday, February 26, 2010
Hey errrbody! Just in case you all didn't know [aka missed my name in the obnoxiously long list of February birfdayz on Facebook] today is the day that I was plopped onto dis Earth! A glorious day it indeed is, too bad it takes place during February aka the crappiest/messiest/coldest/unhappiest month of the year. "Blah!" is what I say to you, February. BLAH!
But I just wanted to say to all you bloggy friendz of mine, be you from online or from da real world, that you really do make my life tonz better and I appreciate your support and hilarity very much. I might just get teary-eyed here (::gets teary-eyed::) when I say that you all are fabo amigoz and I lurrrve having you en mi vida! Here's to 24 being even more fantastico than 23!
Oh, save your applause and standing ovation for someone who deserves it...like some of mah celebrity friends who
My least favo member of R&B supadupa group TLC, Chili. (39)
Political pepaw deluxe meal, Ralph Nader. (76)
What. A. DUMP! Crazyazz actrezzz, Elizabeth Taylor. (78)
Writer of one of mah favo books (Of Mice And Men) & one of mah least favo books (The Grapes of Wrath), John Steinbeck. (108)
Sunday, February 21, 2010
And sure, the song is cool and shit, but it was the music video that really got peepz talking. I wasn't sure if I was gonna include it as part of the Music Video Vault or count it as a Monday Muse, but I thought that since 5 or more of the individuals featured in the video could be Musez on their own, I would allow it!
Basically some d00d that may or may not have been in Cake walked around accosting rando gringoz to listen to the song and critique it. It's kinda like when you're walkin' around Nueva Nueva and you constantly get bombarded by whorez on the street that try and forcefeed you their contemporary gospel R&B and even when you say "No," they still follow you for three blocks trying to coerce you. LEAVE ME ALONE! I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR GAWD-PRAISING BULLSHIT!
Anyway, they recorded all the peepz' responses and made a video for it! It was gRoUnD-BrEakINg! Checkita checkita checkitaout!
Robert L. Clark: Within the first 2 seconds, he already lurrrvez the track. He is a man after my own heart...being more willing to purchase muzak instead of taking care of himself [aka his teefz].
Jasmine James: She hatez it cuz the singer's voice is "scratchy" which it is not at all.
Elizabeth Cullen: A golden-haired magical elf lesbian who pretends to think that the d00d'z voice is sexy while despising his high school poetry class lyrix.
Jim Soper: A retired architect who designed the chiseled plaster wrinklez in his forehead himself.
Steve Boeckels: Some important guy [read as: he's wearing a suit] wiff a cute face starts dancin' like he's not white.
Aaron Saag: Wannabe music snob. Go eat a crotch! Take your ugly jacket [feat. st00pid buttonz], pointless dress hat and your ska muzak library and go get dragged to hell (not in a good way).
B.N. Duncan: Some supagrrrl that a feminist would approve of?! Excuse me, Mr. Old Man Beard, she has a name and her name is P!nk. And "Ass Load Comics"...WHAT?!
Rafe DeWitt: An unemployed, recently divorced (and bankrupt because of it, I assume) tattoo man that uncomfortably refers to ladies as "broads." Cute!
Jens Wallat: He's made completely outta pork roll and misses the "rising action," whatever that means. Nice shades! GIMME!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
But not to be outdone by old people, stars from my generation [feat. a few dusties from yesteryear] rerecorded the song to aid the current situation in Haiti. It was officially put on the airwaves last week and has its own accompanying video filled wiff celebrities and singerz for me to obsess over. Reviews of the song haven't been too good, but I thought that I would give the video a looksie and give all you bloggy readers
Oh, and don't get all bent outta shape and say that I'm being insensitive to the cause or whateva...I appreciate what they're doing and all. But I am still a pop music critic deep down to the core of my soul! Watch the video...my comments are below:
1:30 - And the person to lead off this monumental single is...Justin Beiber?! And WHAT?! Why is Jennifer Hudson [feat. Pussycat Slut Nicole Scherzingeringeringeringer] singing back-up to Beerbaby?! This is some real life Dreamgirls shit.
1:53 - Josh Groban & his terrifying demon eyez looks like he's about to heave his opera lungs out.
2:02 - Old man Tony Bennett further proves my Aretha Franklin/Chaka Kahn theory that Talented Singers + Gettin' Mad Old = Mediocre Monster Vocals.
2:08 - Mary J. Blige singing for serial bores me more than watching Scarlett Johansson act.
2:21 - Michael Jackson's refrain from the original [feat. Janet awkwardly photoshopping her way into the shot, looking sleepy and not singing].
2:33 - Barbara Streisand sings like an old person and pronounces werdz strangely [i.e. "...juztchuanmeeeee."].
2:49 - I don't know why everyone says Miley Cyrus can't sing. She has power and a cool tone. Especially when compared to...
2:57 - ...Enrique Iglesias who a) sounds like shit, and b) isn't important to the musical landscape anymore (what is this, 2001?!).
3:15 - Wylef Jean sounding "authetic" & "cultural" [aka crappy & redic].
3:21 - Adam Levine [feat. stubble] from Maroon 5 is mad handsome and I'm in lurrrve wiff his nasally vocal sTyLiNgZzZz.
3:52 - Celine Dion blowz my mind, belts like a rockstar and rips the spotlight away from Fergie. YAY.
4:09 - The Pussycat Whore makes another appearance to prove why her solo album is NEVER COMING OUT.
4:19 - One of the Jonas Brothers clan memberz groans like he's injured/constipated.
4:21 - Everyone's least favo American Idol judge smiles like a goofball. Where's Kara DioGuardi's solo?!
4:28 - Toni Braxton [feat. emo bangz] sings wiff her beautiful man-voice.
4:46 - Everyone everywhere else online HATEZ this part, but I like Lil Wayne and his overly autotuned vocalz! Almost enough to buy his new poorly-received RaWk album! His metallic smile @ the end of his solo is so cute!
4:50 - I LOVE how dis guy (I have no clue/care as to who he is) is not singing/moving/doing ANYTHING.
5:00 - Fuck yeah P!nk gets belting rights over the chorus!
5:28 - T-Pain hints @ the uncomferz hip-hop section coming up. Prepare to be unimpressed.
5:39 - Jamie Foxx sings like an artard and gets the cutest smile from J-Hud!
5:51 - Will.I.Am, Snoop Dogg, LL Cool J and an army of assorted rappers bark @ us. They're just angry & mad jellerz that they didn't get a solo like Weezy! [please note when they shoot to the chorus, how Babz is not feeling it!]
6:30 - Tanx again, Wyclef. ::realigns ear canal::
6:35 - J-Hud gets all Effie over dis bitch!
6:46 - P!nk's derrricious growl makes ANOTHER cameo! Smart move!
Friday, February 19, 2010
I REFUSE to drive on the highway and have only done so less than five times in the past two yearz. I only drive when I'm commuting to one of mah two jerbz, visiting family or friends who live somewhere I can get to wiffout making more than four turnz [i.e. Enrico & my family], or goin' to the mall which is a 15 minute drive I've done a million timez befo.
But what's mah beef wiff driving? Let's find out, shall we?!
Durante the past tres semanas we had prox 3 snowstorms here on the East coast. Lucky for me, Mr. Pasteeeeeeeeeelnick let me stay @ his place for four nights so I wouldn't have to commute to and from Nueva Nueva in the blizzard. And while it was a great help, I still envisioned the crap fiesta that would await me when I got back to Jerzee and found my car in the bus station parking lot. Here are before and after shotz of mah car:
I also hate overly aggressive/dopey drivers that do any of the following: Tailgate me. Honk @ me. Honk near me. Honk @ all. Drive too slow. Drive too fast. Flip me off. Get in mah way. Talk on the phone. Drive on the road @ the same time as me.
Another thing I can't stand about other drivers is how TERRIBLE peepz seem to be @ parking. Sure, it took me some gettin' used to, but within a month of having my license, I was able to park and parallel park wiffout much issue. Which is why I don't understand how dificil it is for perasonaz to dump their goddamn carz in between the clearly marked space lines in parking lotz! Do it near me and hellz yeah I'ma smash mah car door into your new pantjob [edit: "paintjob" but it stayz]! Park better, azzholes. If I had gutz I would totez leave a lil' bitchy note like these heroez of mine did:
Back during my Junior year of college (a week before mah birfday!) I got into a car accident when I switched lanes and some dumbazz 18-year-old kid smashed into the back of mah car and sent poor helpless Clint careening into some grrrl's vehicle. The back of mi coche was smashed hardxxxcore, as were the other two vehicles involved. It was mad stressful and somehow it got blamed on me for switching lanes too dangerously. I had to pay a large chunk of change to get my car fixed ($1,000!!) and to pay off my ticket ($80!!). My insurance covered the damages to the other buttholez, but that caused my rate to go up and my life to suck more!
This is what mah car looked like despues de la accidente:
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Anywayz, this time around, I did a
So here I am [feat. mah duet partner Mowgli] performing her cryathon deluxe, "You're Not Sorry":
Monday, February 15, 2010
Luckily, Wonder Showzen is here to provide me with all the schooling I need. I give you, D.O.G.O.B.G.Y.N.:
I hope my dreamwife is like the genius lady in dis video...Cesarean sectionz all the way! D.O.G.O.B.G.Y.N. made it looks so easy too! ::scratch, claw:: ::dig, scrap:: ::bite, pull:: & then you have it! A wonderful little black infant to add to your family! Laughter! Gigglez! Take a couple hundred photoz of your new child and post them on FaceBook! Everyone cares, I swurrr.
Considering how ugly I am, though, I doubt that my bundle of airborne baby joy will come even close to looking as angelic as cross-eyed Elinore there! How adorz!
So if all you hoz got freaky wiff your S.O.'s yesterday & have gotten your fragile bodies plump wiff child, may I suggest you get D.O.G.O.B.G.Y.N on the phone as soon as your water breaks all ova your hubbie's puss. And guess what?! All he will charge is the price of gobbling up the umbilical cord and the right to have the first shag on you post-pregnancy! I don't tink that it's too much to ask.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
For me, I'll be working a double shift today at the restaurant where we have a ridiculous number of reservations. I probz won't get home till prox after midnight, but I'm sure I'll have a buttload of $$$ in my pocket, so who cares?
Whatever you decide to do today, make sure you don't act desperate. If you're in a relationshit, don't be obnoxious and tongue in front of everyone like cats cleaning each other. No one wants to see you make babies in front of them (unless of course you are P!nk & Carey Hart...I want a front row seat to that)! If you're single, don't be a cranky, snotty lump and spend the day whining and bitching cuz you're alone. No one wants to date a bitter sourpuss!
But because I empathize wiff both sides of the spectrum, here are some tunes to help you out today:
Here's a DITTY for all those in lurrrve.
And here's a DITTY for those who are angry & resentful.
Now, I'd like to leave you wiff a
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Now for all you hoz that didn't know, I started playing the bass guitar back during my freshmen year of high school. As mentioned before, I also played the cello but it was boring and nerdy and all we ever played in orchestra was the "Hallelujah Chorus" [aka extra yawnz wiff a side of lamesauce]. So I put all of mah MuSiCaL PaSsiOnZ into my bass-playing and songwriting. And of course by "songwriting" I mean I lifted crappy poetry from mah My-Diary account and called them lyrix.
The band was called Big American Party and wiff three good friends of mine (Brian on guitar/vocals/mandolin, Mike on guitar/vocals & Dan on drumz), we started practicing all the time. We were pretty damn diligent and disciplined if I do say so mahself! We met up outside of school on the weekends and not only put together some original muzak, but tanx to Brian's brilliance, frrrealz recorded some of our songs and put out a CD! YAY! Here was what our album cover/band logo looked like:
That's each of us, L-R: Me, Brian, Dan, Mike. You can try and figure out what our shirts mean, but you'd fail cuz you're st00pid [read as: they're inside jokes]. We had a legit website, that has since lost it's funding (Mike's parents) and has been shut down. Boo! We also made like $20 each off of selling our CD around the halls of our douchebag high school. Back then, that was like $ONE MILLION!
However, the greatest achievement of our lives was when we performed at da highly publisized BATTLE OF THE BANDS! I swurrr there were famous peepz there! Okay, there weren't. We played some of our originalz as well as a cover of the theme to Donkey Kong Country and a rock version of that "Castle On a Cloud" song that stupid azz Cosette whines all over in Les Misérables (Team Eponine Forevz!). We didn't win cuz life hatez me and I'm never allowed to be happy, but it was still worth it. I tell people that the voting was neck'n'neck and that we came in 2nd by. a. hair., but I don't know if any of that is true at all.
Through and through it was a great experience and I really learned how to actively function in a...blah blah blah snoooooooooooooooooze.
To get an even deeper perspective into our musical prodigy genius brainz, watch the documentary that a fan of ours, Maddy, made about us. Hope you enjoy the video and my interesting hair situation. For serial, why didn't anyone tell me how
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
7 Things I Plan to Do Before I Die:
- Get a book of poetry published & get rich off of it [read as: have at least three people I don't know consider purchasing it].
- Be on the cover of a magazine.
- Have my own Wikipedia page (preferably not written by mahself or an appeasing friend of mine).
- Somehow make it into the top 12 of a season of American Idol (ha...yeah...sure...).
- Get a fulltime jerb werking in the music industry in some way.
- Be covered by health insurance.
- Take advantage of the passport I got and never used and go to any foreign country. Trip to Canada to visit Tam?!
7 Things I Can Do:
- Cry at the drop of a hat.
- Whoop peepz' asses in any of the three Donkey Kong Country games (nerd festival deluxe?).
- Spontaneously start singing a pop song based on the conversation I am having with somebody.
- Make perfectly timed fart noisez con mi boca.
- Serve carmelized onion & goat cheese tarts promptly & with the greatest of eaaaaaase.
- Be strong on my own, see through the rain, find my way.
7 things I cannot do:
- Stand pretentious dickholez that think their tastes are too refined for certain kinds of music/movies/books/anything.
- Ride a bicicleta.
- Do any sort of math outside of adding or subtracting. Variablez? Exponents? WHAT?!
- Drive long distances wiffout having a shaking anxiety attack.
- Live, if living is without you.
- Understand & care about sportzzz. Snooze City Central High School!
- Speak Spanish as well as I think I do.
7 Things That Attract Me to Someone:
- They laugh @ the st00pid crap I say.
- Maybe a lil' bit of gray in their hair/beard.
- DEFINED JAWLINE!
- DEFINED ACHILLES HEEL!
- DEFINED ADAM'S APPLE!
- The P!nk "stomach V".
- They don't take themselvez toooooo serial.
7 Things I Say Most Often:
- Do you love it? (duh)
- Dumb bitch.
- Hi folkz, how ya doin' tonight? Can I start you off with something to drink?
- Ugh, sick!
- Lovez it.
- How's mah precious little Mowglaron/Boobaloon/HermaGrrrrrl doing today?!?
- HAAAATEz IT!
7 Celebrity Crushes:
- Robert Downey, Jr.
- Greg Kinnear
- Carey Hart
- Brandon Boyd
- Ryan Seacrest
- Rob Lowe
- Marc Jacobs
(and since David's post for some reason didn't feature a 7th category, I made one up that only Enrico & I will care about)
7 Songs That Make Me Cry:
- "Calm Under the Waves" - Maria Mena
- "Jesus Christ" - Brand New
- "Thinking Of You" - Katy Perry
- "The Day I Lost My Voice (The Suitcase Song)" - Copeland
- "So Far Away" - Carole King
- "Today" - Joshua Radin
- "Tennessee" - The Wreckers
So there you have it folkz! Don't you feel like you've known me for your entire vida?! Now what about you, what are you answers to this 7 of 7?!
Monday, February 8, 2010
I mean, for serial. That succulent orange skin, those
If the world didn't suck a lot [aka if I could get everything I want when I want it], then I would totez find whatever magical synthesizer planet Maxine Swaby is from and hire Lance Bass to take me there so I could propose to mah one true love (well...until next monday). I want to spend the rest of mah days running through open fields wiff her, watching the flowers bloom and the deer graze and the airplanes and trains go shooting off through the wilderness.
I'd get a job making sun-dried tomato curtainz (like the ones adorning the windows of her casa) and I'd save up so I could buy her all the stewardess outfits she could ever want. They really flatter her shapely figure! I'm always looking round & standing tall for this hot trick of a goddess lady. I love her sooooooo muuuuuuuuuch!
Now you all must pardon me, I have to go cry myself to sleep since this impossible dream fantasy will for def def defferz never come to troofz. ::crying & dying::
CLICK HERE to see some of Maxine's other admirers singsongy along wiff her masterpiece theater classic!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Anywayz, ever since I was a little tot & a half, I've always had these odd and sometimes distracting ticks that minimally yet still prevalently affect the way I go about mah day. These minor retardationz that fart about en mi cabeza are usually brought on by accidents or mistakes I've made in the past that have thus made me overly cautious.
For example, once I closed the refrigerator door yet didn't check to make sure that it was shut thoroughly, so the next day there was a HUGE puddle in front of the appliance with quite a bit of spoiled crap on the inside. Yuck Central! Consequentially, now I am
So to quell this nagging bitch of a fear, I have been known to check the doorknob of mah house repeatedly until my brain figures out that it is in fact locked. Sometimes I'll shake the handle (quite aggressively, as though I'm a thief and trying to bust in the door) and walk away, yet still feel unsure of my house's safety and therefor need to check the puerta as many times as it takes to put mah mind @ ease.
I have this scenario running through my clusterfuckfest of a noggin where I lose these four items and some terrible things begin to happen: 1) My phone gets charged wiff a thousand calls to Guatemala/Zimbabwe/New Zealand/rando other faraway countries and my bill goes through da roof. 2) My credit cards get maxxxed out and I go bankrupt while someone begins impersonating me and using my I.D. to buy drinkz for minorz. 3) I become locked outta my house not that it would even matter since I wouldn't have my car keys to drive home in da first place. Therefore I have to resort to being homeless and eating newspapers for dinner. And 4) Someone would delete the music off of my MP3 player and replace it with terrible overrated hell music like Bon Jovi, Nirvana, U2 or Nickelback.
So if any of you folkz like me enough to go out wiff moi, keep an eye on my hands and how they are more or less glued to the inside of my pockets, ensuring that my four blessed accompaniments are safely kept in my gorilla-grip grasp at all timez.
I got mad upset and wrote some sort of passive aggressive note on the Passive Aggressive Note White Board that we hung in the kitchen about it. I feel like my fear of the house burning down was justified and it has potentially scarred me for life now. Whenever I use the stove to concoct some sort of culinary delight of heavenly porportionz [aka pasta, canned soup or grilled cheese], I am crippled by my desire to want to check and recheck the gas switch 1,000+ times before I feel comfortable leaving the room. By the time I feel sure of the fact that my house and life aren't goin' to be incinerated, my food is usually cold but I still nosh it down, happy to know that my life isn't goin' up in flames (that night).
Several events from my past [i.e. leaving the windows cracked during a rainstorm, not shutting the door thoroughly so the inside light stayed on and drained my car battery, and not locking my doors when I was on a weekend trip & left my car in a bad neighborhood] has made me so ridiculously anal about my car that I've had peepz refuse to want to drive wiff me simply for the fact that it takes me about 10 minutez (on a good day) to leave my car once I have parked.
There have been COUNTLESS times when I have missed classes or have been late to werk due to my stupid brain forgetting to set my alarm before I glided on off to Supa Slumber City. So nowadayz, before I slip into my fantastical dream world, I must put on my cap of full concentration and turn my alarm on and off an abundance of times in an attempt to convince my mind that YES, the alarm is on and YES, it is set @ the right time.
Peepz who have been
Thursday, February 4, 2010
This first song is being
I hope you enjoy dis, folkz. If you decided to kill urself cuz my vocals are just too
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
But as unimportant as television has become to me in the past year or so, I have to admit that my inability to partake in mah favo obsession, American Idol has gotten me a tad blue what wiff the new season starting last month. But luckyducky para me, Mr. Pasteeeeeeelnick a) has cable; and b) lets me crash @ his place on Wednesdays so I don't have to commute all the way back to da Dirrty Jerzeeee since I have to werk in Brooklyn on Thursdays anyway.
So last week, when we had our weekly get together, I
After crying for three horaz, I plopped outta the bathroom and had David read the directionz to me. First I put the magic brownie
cocaine powder into a bowl and I cracked some dead pre-baby chickerz into it.
I then got confused and ate all the batter like a fat lardazz. After David was done beating me, we repeated all the aforementioned steps and put the shit in the horno before I could inhale it all a second time.
To ensure that I stay thin and emaciated, I puked all the decadent treatz back up into the toilet. Calories lead to getting fat which leads to me never being happy ever. A boy's gotta do what a boy's gotta do! And what I gotta do is binge eat and vom. Huzzah!
So who wantz to cook wiff me nexxxt time?!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Then I realized that MySpace is mad desperate and for peepz that don't have real friendz. So I put up a picture of mah cat, changed my name and have nearly all but abandoned it. Every now and then I go back on when I want a good laugh and I have an urge to look at retarded douchenozzlez that think they're AwEsOmErSkAtEz, but for all practical purposes, my page is as desolate as Jennifer Lopez's album sales.
But even when I gave a shiz about MySpace [circa three months in 2005], I was never as adamantly enamored with it as this inspired young chap below. You want passion? This is passion:
If someone was to hack onto my page, how would I be able to write blogs about what DuMbAzZeZ my sisters are? I need to rack up my friends count in order to feel accomplished, cuz really, the truth behind a strong & everlasting friendship is clicking about a bland and possibly fictitious info page to learn nuffin' about somebody. MySpace isn't ruining my family, YOU'RE ruining my family! ::throws saltshaker::
I too would incinerate my vocal chords wiff demonic barking if my cyber personality was compromised by some dumb gringo who knew my passwerd. Go die! ::knockz over chair::
And sure, it might only be MySpace. But remember, you're only a stupid bitch!