Thursday, January 14, 2010

Stuck on a roller coaster, can't get off this ride.

This is gonna be a quick little post. Don't really know the point of it, but I just wanted to share with you folkz sumfing innnnnneresting I came across while @ werk on Sunday. As is the custom wiff many restaurantz, the joint I work at covers their tables with long sheets of paper, to keep everyting nice and clean and to eliminate the need to change a table cloth after every seating.

Since we're kid-friendly or some crap like that, we bring over little packs of crayons to any niƱoz that bop on in for some grub. Most of the time, they just draw suming that lookz like dis:

Utter crap. But what can we expect? Kids are st00pid and not good @ anything, so it's not their fault that their drawings look like a Muppet's vomit. 99.9% of the time we'll just laugh at their artistic failurez as we clean up the table and crumple up their masterpiecez and trash it. But every now and then, I'll give a double-take while finishing up mah shift. And one such moment took place while I was finishing up my brunch shift last Sunday.

As alwayz, there were a ridic number of families that came in wiff their little kids. Aside from them whining and asking for specialty eggz and shit that aren't on the menu [feat. frustrating the hell outta the chefz], they tore through 1/3 of our crayon supply. But as I was stripping the dirrty plates and utensils and uneaten food off of the mesas, I uncovered a quite intriguing drawing on one particular table:


Don't write it off yet! Don't let that terrifying cat-dragon on the left-hand side completely drag you to hell (in a bad way) yet! It took some investigating but after careful examination I was able to dissect this brillz illustration. Not pictured is a carnival setup wiff food stands and games and shit all drawn out like a giant map to an amusement park. This picture above features what seems to be the mega roller coaster in the center of some tot's imaginary dream theme park.

But wait...

...what's that? Is that someone screaming as their FUCKING CART GOES CAREENING OFF THE TRACK?! Yes! And please place your peeperz below the coaster on the aptly named "Hospital" building that is depicted housing a "hurt person." I think I need to find the child who drew this glorious pieced of perfection and have them named the rightful successor to Josh Is Trashy if and when I peace out. This could very well have been sumfing that I would draw today would have drawn when I was a little retard.

Seeing this death ride reminded me of when I was younger and I used to make all sortz of physically impossible murder coasters on Roller Coaster Tycoon. My patrons never stood a chance! I used to rocket their azzes up into the air and not have the track finish and watch as their carts would explode all over the park. That was some real Final Destination shet right there! Yes, I was quite a deranged child and it soothez mah heart to know that there are lil' totz out there following in my sick, sick footsteps. ¡Viva la macabre!

20 comments:

hoteltuesday said...

I hope this kid went home and listened to "Thinking of You" and "Sober" and read "The Truth the Dead Know"!!

Chris D. said...

That is an impressive illustration!

My boss's son used to love showing me all the ways he would injure people on Roller Coaster Tycoon. Wow, that really brings back memories. :)

bourgtai said...

I originally thought the lyric was "staccato roller coaster," giving it the image of a really jerky, start and stop relationship she's trapped on, but that would've been way too high brow for Katy Perry to understand.

Jere Keys said...

My mom got called into the school psychiatrist's office once after I drew a picture of what appeared to be me stabbing a dude and laughing as his internal organs fell out. It was okay when I explained that what looked like a puddle of blood and guts was actually a pond with ducks. And it wasn't some dude I was stabbing, it was a big scary monster like the kind I'd seen in Michael Jackson's "Thriller" music video. That was some scary shit when I was little.

Dave2 said...

I still draw on the paper table covers at restaurants. I can't help myself. SOMEBODY has to continue to tell the story of Na'vi people and their fight against the evil mining company on Pandora!

that's J-O-S-H said...

Enrico: While singing all of K. Perry's adlibs and tortured wailingz @ the end aka the best part!

Chris D.: I LURRRRVED to drown the goofy animal mascots that wandered around the park doing nuffin'. Take that happiness!

BurgerTown: I thought those were the lyrix as well! But I still think that she is a great writer [see: "Brick By Brick"]!

Jere: I used to waste lotz of time in the elementary school guidance office cuz I constantly cried over everything (still do?!).

Dave2: I really should start saving some of these pix and sell them off as "modern art" and get rich via swindling gullible wannabe art buffz!

bourgtai said...

I've heard far better

Michelle M. said...

Muppet vomit! hahahaha!

Justin said...

JOSH you totally SHOULD save some of those drawings!

Myself, I used to doodle all the time as a kid. As a tot, I got in trouble for doodling on real tablecloths, not paper ones. :P

I still doodle on paper placemats. For years, well into the 90s, it wouldn't be uncommon for me to doodle faces, hands, usually distorted and lengthened.

Plus ever since I was an incredibly nerdy teenager, I would doodle in Tolkien's Elvish writing (English written in Tengwar), which is so nerdy it makes normal peoples' heads explode.

Since I got back into studying languages "for fun" (yes, for fun), I took to doodling things like Latin or Greek conjugations or declensions.

In 2008 I decided to learn Japanese Kana "for fun" and would often doodle those. I sometimes also doodle alphabets: Greek, Cyrillic, Hebrew, Arabic, Devanagari (Sanskrit/Hindi), Phoenician.

After I had learned enough Latin and Greek, I started doodling lengthy sections of the Iliad or Odyssey or Aeneid or Sappho.

With all the stuff I doodle, I sometimes get very odd looks from the waiters when they clear off the placemat.

Polt said...

I still draw on the paper at certain restaurants. Although this kids did a better job than I do.

Oh, and I like to play tic tac toe on the paper as well. Sometimes by myself....

HUGS...

john said...

What do you mean when you were a little retard. You're still little, you're still.....wait...

I draw on placemats all the time. Less so now as it tends to annoy the people I am with as they think I am not paying attention to them. They are right of course, but I'm not telling them that.

Someone needs to call this child's parents and tell them exactly what they are in for.

Dave 2: HA!

Tam said...

Last week or earlier this week, that episode of CSI was on. The rollercoaster plunged off and killed the people. It's an old episode but someone lets their kid watch too much Spike TV. And THAT is why I refuse to go on rollercoasters ... EVER!

Oh and my daughter draw on the paper all the time. We play games, try to guess what we are drawing. But like Polt, I think little distrurbed one has better skills than we do.

hmwhat said...

I love restaurants that do this!!! I always try to draw the most disturbing shit to see if the waiters will notice.

Amy said...

I sorta miss this about good ol' bros moon. I didn't even stop by when I was home because I am [not so secretly] secretly scared of that place ....but I want a delicious chicken sandwich on a croissant stat so next time I'll drop in.

David said...

I used to draw secret fortresses under the earth and massive space stations, but wasn't that much into disasters and death.

Glad to see, though, that our morbid youths are alive and well.

that's J-O-S-H said...

BurgerTown: I was obsessed wiff that song three yearz ago [aka prox six yearz after it was popular]!

Justerz: I tink I will start swiping that shiz and pimp it out here on mah blog. Exploiting childhood attemptz @ creative expression! Weee!

Polt: I suck at tic-tac-toe. Booo! Although I do look snazzy wearing it!

hmwhat: And I am always so enthralled to see disturbing itchingz! Come in and sketch me a gloriously abusive masterpiece [feat. leave me a 25% tip]!

Amy: Come by & eat Caesar dressing-drenched EVERYTHING wiff me!

Polt said...

Oh, Sassy josh, is there ANYTHING you don't look snazzy in? :)

HUGS...

Craig said...

That is amazing! I love that the hurt person says ouch as they crash horribly to their doom.

Cassidy said...

first off that kid is my hero. secondly ROLLER COASTER TYCOON! you could drown the people and then put them on islands till they starved to death! that was the real highlight of the game.

casa

callonmevalerie said...

Okay, that YouTube video just took me back to middle school, when I would constantly kill everyone on my rollercoasters. You know what was the simplest way to kill them? Just click on them to grab them, and then dump them in water!

Sadistic, yes, but it's kind of hilarious when you grab one of the "line entertainers" and see a big ass lion scrambling in water.

Sick minds think alike. That's why I enjoy you.

(Also, my favo part of making the death rides is that you never had to build a long line for them, 'cause you only needed to fill it once, hence saving money!)