Thursday, January 21, 2010


I never get sick. Not recently anyway. Back when I was a younger lil' artardo, I used to get sore throatz every other day. My freshmen year of college was a constant state of throat lozenges and Ibuprofenzzz. But once I moved out of the dormz my Junior year, I somehow acquired a magical immune system. In the past 4 yearz, I'm been sick a total of three timez. It just so happenz that one of those times is right now (boo & hiss).

I was supposed to go out wiff David last night and have a derrrriciouz dinna somewhere in Nueva Nueva. Well, while Mr. Pasteeeeeeeeelnick was falling asleep during a business meeting that took forevz, I waited for him @ a Starbucks nearby. But as soon as I sat my nalgaz down and started drinking mah chamomile tea, I began to feel like I was being for serial dragged to hell (and totez not in a good way).

My head started spinning and my eyes started a-aching and I kept coughing and scared away some cholita that was sitting nexxxt to me. Of course this Starbuckz closed @ 8 and of course David's meeting ran till like 8:20, so I ended up waiting outside freezing mah azz to the brink of death outside.

Finally he showed up and he more or less carried me back to his apartment to which he shoved mah lifeless corpse into bed and I fell asleep for prox thousand yearz. I woke up en la maƱana, still feeling like the Cloverfield monsta was jumping on my skull, so I called outta werk and passed out for anotha three hundred hourz.

When I finally got mah bunz outta bed, I ate some soup and tried to play wiff David's gatoz, Bart & Lisa (cute, right?). Now, as already explained elsewhere on the interwebz, David's catz are not too fond of me. They liked me when I first started coming over, but have since grown to be weary of me. I guess it doesn't also help that I have O.C.D. when it comes to gatoz and can't fathom how there could be felines that don't lurrrve me. Throughout my life, I've lived wiff prox 15 cats and they've all adored me as much as I adored them. So the fact that Bart y Lisa peace out whenever I come near them botherz the hell outta me.

However, Bart let me brush him and pet him for awhile today and he even purred. But of course, scaredy cat Lisa had to be a brat terrified of everything in the entire world and go jetting away from me when I tried to feed her today. She also got pissed (literally) when I sat down on the couch and laid down on two pillowz, not knowing that she was hiding inside the pillow case of one:

Her scampering and piss-inducing fright caused Bart to get annoyed wiff me and he got all Burger & Fries on mah azz. It was annoying and I rolled my eyes, told them to eff off and then laid down and slept some more. As I write this, Lisa is underneath the desk, paralyzed wiff fear that I am still here...

...while Bart is sitting on the other side of the room staring @ me like any second now mah head will explode into a fiery demon hellhound that will eat his existence & laugh at his pain...

I lurrrve catz and it upsets pissez the taint off of me that these gatoz are beyond crippled with horror whenever I enter the apartment. Guess I'll just ignore them for awhile and let them sort out their personal shit themselves. I ain't a counselor! Ugh...I miss Baberz, Mowgli and Hermanita!

Oh, but hey! At least I don't feel as sick! Yay! ::cough::


Tam said...

If I understand these particular cats had emotional problems due to kittenhood issues, as mine do. Vanessa still will not let me pick her up 8 years later and if we make a move towards her she will run like hell. Sigh. They'll learn to love you, as much as they are able.

Glad you are feeling better.

goblinbox said...

Get well soon!

john said...

Sorry to hear you are feeling crappy and hope you are feeling better soon.

Patience grasshopper, patience. Rome wasn't built in a day and it will take some time for Bart and Lisa to warm up. How long have they lived with David all to themselves? You're totally cockblocking them. It is going to take time for them to get over that.

Justin said...

**LOVE** the pix of the gatoz with the demon cat eyes from hell [read as: pretty much the same kind of eyes that all cats have] ;-)

Hope you're doing MUCH better. Just make sure you don't watch any more of David's pr0n while he's at work -- you might have a relapse. :D

Polt said...

They're cats. They're holding those positions planning the best way that can get to you and slit your jugular with the least amount of effort and the least chance of your blood splurting on them. It's not their fault, they are spawns of Satan after all, they can't help it. :)

wear a metallic turtleneck...just sayin.... :)

Glad you're feeling a bit better. My sickness only lasted a day, hopefully yours will too.


Michelle M. said...

They won't be able to resist you for long. Who could?

Burger is a nightmare.

hoteltuesday said...

The whole thing I was reading this, I was thinking "Whatever. Baberz is better than these cats anywayz." And then you said it! Good job.

Laurie said...

Am leaving comment from new phone so won't be as long as usual …you made me LOL and almost no one can do that (these days). Am glad you're kinda better. Am glad Polt is better even though he hates cats. I love how cats make you work at lovin' them and I love dogs cuz they don't. Keep getting better Joshy. OMG word verification hardest ever: geouglyc

Jake said...

I have a weird problem with cats - some love me and some just absolutely hate me. I grew up with dogs, so I have no idea how to act around cats, how to pet them or how to play with them. So it's a good thing that the cat I have at school believes that she's a dog. It's a happy medium.

Glad you're feeling better!

M. Nicodemus said...

Ugh, did you wash your hands before you made this post? 'Cause I don't want to get any of your germyness on me. I have been lucky to have only gotten sick three times in the last ten years, so I don't need you to ruin my record!

Oh, and I am happy and stuff that you are feeling better. :)

Mel said...

You probz need to stop flashing that scary demon light in their sensitive little eyes, too.

Regardless, get yourself lots of sleep and mend quickly.

sinnlighet said...

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Agneta, Sweden

David said...

How did you know I was falling asleep at the meeting, 'cause I totally was.

I can't believe Lisa hid in the pillow case. That kind of cracks me up. I mean, outside of the pissing herself part.

Whether you believe it or not, they are getting more used to you and Bart was pretty cool with you this morning.

Oh, and Enrico? When you diss my cats, you diss me, cholo.

madtexter ☺☺☺☺☺☺ (corey james) said...

I have two black cats, too (Thelma & Luis - brother and sister). And they are the most peculiar cats. They don't like to be held, unless they tell you when, and their personalities are completely different. Luis is needy and clingy and Thelma...well, Thelma can be a really bitchy. Might be from her diabetes, or the fact that my girl dachshund, Minnie, always tries to give Thelma kisses. I think Minnie's a lezzy.

Melody, Destroyer of Dreams said...


Remember Max? "mmm pet em and rub me down and I'll purrr like crazy NEXT THING YOU KNOW I'M SCRATCHING YOUR FACE OFF!!!" Max...miss that guy.

Milo said...

I have been feeling under the weather since last Sunday. Started with a sore throat, then moved to cold and hacking cough. Unpleasant.

Get well soon!

Ray Avito said...

That pillow shot scared me right out of my half-asleep daze. Now it is my favorite and I love it.

Hope yous are feelin' better soon, Josh.

Anonymous said...

Glad you're feeling better! Give the cats time....maybe they smell your 3 darlings on your clothes and see you as a some kind of a threat. Cats are very sensitive to that kind of thing. Wear some catnip! It's worth a try!

Mel: Oh Max! Never will forget waking up in the morning, hearing the birds sing, stretching my legs...and feeling the sharp pain of teeth and claws! Max saying good morning the only way he knew how! Loved him though!


that's J-O-S-H said...

Tam: If they don't learn to love me, then they're for serial gonna miss out! I give the best kitten kat rubdownz ever!

John: Patience is for chumpz! Or people that aren't me.

Justerz: Pr0n is mad sick! I'd rather watch a movie that wasn't "Drag Me to Hell"!

Polt: Psssshhh...if those two hoz tink they can swipe my skin wiff their litter clawz, then they gotz anotha thing coming. My three cats will be on their tails soooo fast...they'd be in mad trubz.

Michelle: I wish you we're married and that I wasn't scared of your genitalia...cuz I want you to be my wife.

Enrico: Damn straight...cuz my cats don't act like whiny little bitchez when they meet someone new [case in point: Baberz leaping into your arms after NEVER MEETING YOU BEFORE].

Laurie: Yeah...cats are smart and mean and dogs are dumb and nice. Hm...SMART & MEAN PLEACE!

Jake: To get a cat to like you, you have to ignore them and act like you don't see them. Then they'll crave your attention and jump in your lap and pee on you. Or you could be like me and just grab them and never let go until they love you.

M. Nico: 3 times in 10 yearz?! Do you have an immune system of steel?!

Mel: I'm trying to coerce the demon bitch monsta in Lisa to come out so she can finally start being nice to me.

David: Then I've been dissing you since the day I met those meanie weeniez you call gatoz!

Madtexter: I LOVE bitchy cats! They can usually sense my attitude and they flock to me. Scaredy cats are the ones that piss me off. GROW A BACKBONE!

Melody: Max was deranged and I loved him for it.

Ray: You're scared?! Just imagine being that cat! Lisa was about to vom up her kitty heart and pray I get dragged to hell.

Cindy: He always used to bite me...for no reason! I never told anyone though cuz I didn't want peepz to think that he only hated me! Good to know he passed his abuse around fairly and evenly.

Anonymous said...

Cats rule!!! Nobody knows that better then we grew up with cats, I grew up with cats. But, alas, they are independent creatures with attitude! We will never forget Max (who I believe had a touch of feline psychosis!). Give Davids cats time,I'm sure they'll soon discover you're one of the good guys. You're used to cats like the 3 you have at home, Sam, and Renoir. Remember Ren? That cat sure did love you, you were best buds for a long time!I'm so glad you're feeling better Josh. Don't forget mega doses of vitamin C and zinc when you feel a cold coming on. Also, don't get too run down, get enough sleep. Oh, now I sound like a Mom! Well I am, and very proud to be yours! Love you, mom

Anonymous said...

David's place is small, right? Cats like lots of room, if they are living their 'normal' life in the wild. So, they come to think of a small apt as their, and only their, territory. People can visit, but then they gotta go.

Cats can be very jealous of attention and other things. So, if you are there a lot, these two probably think you are moving in on their territory. And stealing someone else's (David) attention from them. Which pisses them off.

Plus the smell of three other kitties on your clothes? Oh yeah, they are pissed about this monster-sized, triple-scented cat that has moved in on their territory.