Monday, January 18, 2010

My Monday Muse

Brenna Kyner

So tanxb2gawd American Idol has finally come back into my life. Sure took it long enough! The season premiere was on Tuesday and all you hoz know that I was watching it. Me & mah two best grrrlfriendz from college, Sam & Xtina, ate prox a thousand pieces of pizza and spewed constant rude commentary during the two-hour show. I then forced David to have me over on Wednesday so I could watch the second episode that featured the today-funny-tomorrow-annoying "Pants On the Ground" song sang by some old d00d. So in honor of mah favo television show kamikaze-diving back into mah life, I thought I'd bring out one of mah favo Idol contestants ever as this week's Muse...

[To watch video, clickityclick the play arrow in the bottom left corner. If you click the arrow in the main page, some weird Asian thing takez forever to load and ruinz your day.]

Lemme just get mah only beef outta the way first. Beauty queen here says that she is an "Idol Supa Fan" and dat she knowz everyting and that she's BFFLz wiff da show...but she being phoney as hell cuz everrrrrybody knows I'm da king of dat castle! Aside from that though...she's pretty tight.

So Brenna [feat. chinz] comez bobblin' into the audition room screaming to the high heavenz cuz she has discovered that the Idol judgez are serial real people and not some Stepford TV robots. Simon's eyes bug out probz cuz his pupils can't take in all the radiating talent of dis chica deluxe!

And what better way to display your talents than to sing your heart out start ramblin' on about your obsession wiff some former Idol nobody that no one but me remembers (Ace Young, long hair, high voice, sang Train's "Drops Of Jupiter" TERRIBLY)??? Ace drew her an ugly tattoo that looks like a shiny bubble butt and now she has it on her wrist so she has a stencil to cut along if the judges hurt her feelings. It's a metaphor! Kinda.

She tellz us she is the most important person ever (like we didn't know!) cuz there has never been anyone on Idol like her before [read as: looking like a trannie pillow monsta]. She then does her impression of wailing fire sirens sings "Under Pressure" by Freddie Mercury Queen & David Bowie. Cut to Simon paralyzed by her beauty. Cut to "the drunk one" being mad jellerz that she ain't got those pipez. Cut to guest judge Jewel mentally writing a chart-topping duet for her and Brenna to do together. Cut to Randy being fat [feat. an awful picture of Kelly Clarkson behind him].

Then the judges fart about how she isn't good and my dreamz of seeing 15 more weeks of Brenna [feat. her um...ten yearz of training] are slashed to piecez! I lurrrve how Jewel does damage control and it doesn't werk cuz Brenna (and myself!) are now deeply depressed forevz!

Bitch should totally come back [feat. her degree in vocal performance] nexxxt season (if the show still existz)! I think she has what it do what? Be our AMERICAN IDOL (like duh!). Chut uh, Paula.

Oh...and here are some videos of Brenna singing wiff some band on YouTube! Huzzah for talent!


Dave2 said...


Mel said...

I'm transfixed by her crazy eyes.

Michelle M. said...

She reminds me of Uncle Fester.

Mary Roach is my all-time AI reject.

Tam said...

Well, it was in Minneapolis, there you go, it's all explained.

The look on the judges faces were priceless and yeah, Jewel, Ms. Glass-Half-Full. LOL

john said...

Oh wow, that was some bad singing right there. This is why I can no longer watch this show.

hoteltuesday said...

I love Jewel!!

And that tattoo belongs on my tattoo blog post! Terrible!

Ray Avito said...

How is it that I couldn't even recognize the song? This must have been her special Randy Remix version, Dogg...

I was very entertained by the post-Brenna dance troupe thing at the end of the video...

Polt said...

I remember Ace, he was dreamy.


Justin said...

"[feat. chinz]"

My evening is complete :-)

David said...

"But I have 10 years of professional training!"

Yes, and clearly that was money well spent.

Mark said...

Why Indeed! But I still Luv "Pants on The Ground"! Maybe cuz I'm an old d00d. :)

that's J-O-S-H said...

Dave2: ::all the glass in the entire mundo breakz::

Mel: Right? Those peeperz are what dreamz [read as: nightmarez] are made of!

Michelle: Don't fret...I think Mary might be making a showing in the next few months.

E. Copterz & Tam: I love how she oh-so-desperately tries to salvage the sinking ship that is Brenna's audition, and then Simon sarcastically quips and ruins all of her attempts @ calming the beast.

John: It's auditions like this that make me keep coming back for more! She's an inspiration!

Ray: You didn't recognize it cuz she's a visionary and started it @ the bridge. She's really good at song arrangements! We're all just too st00pid to appreciate it!

Polt: ::vomz::

Mark: I love his message! I HATE when peepz dress like foolz [feat. their pants on the ground and their hats turned sidewayz].

Anonymous said...

So. Painful. I half hid my face in my hands until it was over! As if the singing wasn't bad enough, she then aaargues with the judges! Ten years of training? A degree?! If I were her, I would cash it in if the farthest I got was being utterly rejected on American Idol. So sad.