Saturday, January 16, 2010

Music Video Vault

Britney Spears - "Lucky"

We all knew it was inevitable. BritBrit had soooo many great ridiculous videoz ova the yearz, that it was only a matter of time till one of them popped up here! I was a lil' bit hesitant about doing another Music Video Vault because these postz always seem to get the most humbling response, but as long as it amuses certain peepz [aka Enrico & Val], I thoughts I'd overlook the expected low comment number and write it anyway.

So here we go! Britney Spears first came on the scene back when dinosaurz roamed the Earth [circa 1998]. She had a breakout single/album wiff "...Baby One More Time" and danced around in a Catholic schoolgrrrl outfit which caused a bunch of stuffyheaded old peepz to get their Dependz in a bunch. Along wiff Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore and Jessica SimpSHIT!, she took ova the pop muzak scene and ushered in a wave of cheesy sparkly sugary soundbitez that would fill my adolescence wiff unmistakable happiness and (dangerous) obsessing.

She released several albums, scored some Grammy nominations (and one win!), copied Aaliyah, made out wiff Madonna, got married (twice?), got divorved (twice?), had a TV show, had some chillunz and then had a breakdown. It was around this point that peepz everywhere were afraid Brit was gonna off herself. She killed a car wiff an umbrella and shaved her head (grrrl could have used this as an opportunity to try out some new lookz!). And then she did that Gawd awful gorgeous Video Music Awards performance where she shook her pork rollz about the stage and looked confused. But through all this bullshiz, grrrlfriend was still raking in some major cash, so all the h8rz can go eat some crotch.

She then disappeared for awhile and came back wiff gunz ablazing. Her latest disc was called Funhouse Circus and was a huge hit wiff two top ten singlez and a tour that earned roughly $17 bajillion. Though she has little-to-no vocal talent and has only penned prox 35% of her song catalog, Britney is quite the performer and has given me an arsenal of surefire go-toooooz for whenever I need a pick-me-up.

But out of all of her killa trax, there is one in partix that fills my head with sunshiny unicornz and glitter magic rainbows more than any others! And that song [feat. BRILLZ music video] is posted below...

VIDEO SYNOPSIS: Since Britney is really good @ acting [see: her Oscar Razzie award-winning performance in Crossroads], they decided to have her play multiple roles in the theatrically exquisite video. She playz 1) narrator Britney; 2) ghostly subconscious Britney; 3) spoiled bitch celebrity Britney; and 4) God Britney who sits in the sky and gazez longingly into the camera. She's so dynamic! Well, the first Britney openz the CGI curtain for us and the second Britney begins our story on top of a billboard that's plastered wiff Britney #3's mug. Confused yet?

These are the kind of muzak videoz that I LOVE. They follow the song line by line. Cheeeeesetastico! "Early morning, she wakes up..." ::Brit wakes up:: "Knock, knock, knock on the door," ::knock, knock, knock on the door::. Some creepster old man handz her a bouquet of ugly flowerz and she doesn't care cuz she's a lonely bitch. Then a trio of inner demon Britneys try and hypnotize her.

They fail and then there is anotha knock on da door and she openz it and it turnz out she's in a movie or some crap. The director yells "Cut!" cuz he's blinded by Britney's brilliance and then she turnz the bitch switch to 11 and goes storming off the set ala Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls. She then snortz @ some loser on the phone while ghost Britney hatez her azz.

Brit #4 appearz perched on a ledge in the sky. She flicks some cocaine funtime special dust all over the peepz down below. Lucky [aka rich skank Britney] wins an award and she accepts it on the red carpet in front of two palm trees(?). The Hollywood girl then is ushered off to sit in her and sulk and stare longingly into her bedazzled fairytale mirror.

The video endz wiff her lying in bed, crying like she's just read "The Truth the Dead Know" and wondering why deez tearz come @ night. Yay! Sad ending!


:32 - God Britney shows us that heaven is apparently filled wiff gaudy Xtinamas ornamentz.

- When I was a lil' queermo, I desperately wanted wind-induced hair flipz like Britney's!

2:23 - The phone she is using is soooooo old skool! It's prox the size of the moon.

2:27 - That star violently crushes Britney and her crew. Terrifying scene segue!

2:47 - Roger Johnson from Pop News! I swurrr on Jeebuz that when I first saw this video, I aspired to grow up to have Mr. Johnson's trabajo! Oh hell...I still do.

3:00 - The beat is synchronized with the stalkarazzi's flashing bulbz! So. Clever.

3:20 - Some major gay is losing his shit hardxxxcore cuz of Britney's prescence [aka an everyday occurrence].

THE CONCLUSION: Sadly, I don't tink that BritBrit will ever be able to go back to make gorgeously cheeky and PG-rated songz. Now that she's played in every club everywhere all the time, it seems like she's pigeonheld to coo on and on about sexxx and threesomez and womanizing. But who knowz?! Maybe one day she'll make mah dreamz come to troofz and record "Lucky 2: A Fallen Star" or some shit like that. With like, sparkles and stuff glittering all ova the title. It could focus on her downward spiral into drugz and lesbiana experimentation before she finally discovers the real meaning of life [aka believing in yourself or some garbage like that]. Yeah...that would be effing sweet.


hoteltuesday said...

When this CD came out, I went to the store with my then BFF Andrew and we each bought a copy of "Oops... I Did It Again." We went to his house and played them and fell in love with "Lucky" (yes, before it was a single). I used to play this song to death! YAY!!!

You noted all the best parts of the videos. LOVE the Sexton pic!!

Craig said...

I think I was the only one of my friends who liked Lucky. They all made fun of me for loving it!

I have to say though that I think Womanizer is her best video!

madtexter ☺☺☺☺☺☺ (corey james) said...

Oh, I am a such a closet case when it comes to admitting I actually like Brit Bot music, but only the earlier stuff. And 'Lucky' is also one of my favorites. Songs with a self-deprecating theme always grab my attention.

Whenever I hear something new from her, I just cringe. There's no real substance. Just think of that horrid '123' song. Ugh!

Tam said...

I liked Brit in her early days, I still don't mind her. Not a huge fan but I can listen to her stuff. I've heard her concerts are pretty amazing, she's not a singer she's a performer but I think that's okay.

I'll always think of ASL boy when I hear Womanizer, I think that was the better video.

Mel said...

Auto-Tune much?

Srsly, I think she should go on tour with Steven the Beautiful. They'd rock the planet.

john said...

The thing that always annoyed me about this song is that is shows off her vocal weakness. I hat that she sings in the back of her throat so much.

I lol'd my a55 off when I clicked the "knock, knock, knock" link as well as the "some new lookz" link. That's some funny shiz right there.

callonmevalerie said...

Is that a blonde Taylor Lautnernanaetutuenerswiftnerntuener in that picture?

Also, you didn't mention the scary face morphing from Pensive Slutty Cropped/Low Cut Black Top Britney to God Britney. I almost screamed out loud because it scurred me. :(

mkf said...

i could give a rat's ass about britney spears, but thought i'd throw in a comment for the sake of your stats--i'm nothing if not a giver.

Michelle M. said...

"Lucky" is not one of my top Britney songs/videos, but you make it fun. Love the mushroom hat.

David said...

I also loved the mushroom hat! I can't believe you didn't note the amazingly awesome moment when she sits in front of this huge mirror and then picks up - another mirror so she can look at herself! WTF?

Word verification: tolet, which is a toe bath you find in fancy hotel bathrooms.

hoteltuesday said...

Val: OMG! I noticed that too and was surprised Josh didn't mention it. Now WE'RE thinking alike?! Weird.

that's J-O-S-H said...

E.Copterz: I loooooooove that CD. "Stronger" is my favo Britney song ever!

Craiggerz: They made fun of you for loving "Lucky?!" What kind of friends are they?!?!?

MedTexter: UM?! "3" is sooooooo goooooooood! She's teaching the younger generation how to count! Kudoz her!

Tam: Her producers deserve as much cred as she does...if not more.

Mel: Are you tinking what I am tinking?! "From the Bottom of My Broken Heart (the "Tans on Mah Legs, Not on Mah Face" Remix) feat. Steven the Beautiful?!?!?!

John: I don't even think she knows HOW to sing in the back of her throat, or how to sing in general. Yay!

Val: Cuz I didn't want to think about that horrific moment! It freaked mah shit out worse than that closet girl bitch from "The Ring!!"

MKF: Tanx for looking out for me! Who would you like to see me pull out of the Music Video Vault?!

Michelle: It's mah life's game to find a real life mushroom hat (that I can surgically attach to mah scalp).

David: Ummmm...she needs as many reflective surfaces as possible so she can constantly have a view of every conceivable angle of herself. She's Lucky...SHE'S A STAR!

mkf said...

beats me--you're my new monday muse when it comes to what the kids are listening to these days, so surprise me.