Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I'm baking pillows.


For a period of time between the agez of 9 & 13, I was apparently unaware that BED is the greatest place in the entire world and somewhere that I will never want to be apart from when I get older. For awhile I was an Olympic-ready sleepwalker. I would consistently stumble outta mah sheets and wander around my family's house like a fudging lunatic. I was partix fond of stalking about the chamber of my parents' slumber and there were roughly about 10 times I recall waking up sitting on the floor of my parent's room, staring @ them while they slept. I then would wonder how the hell I got there and how the hell I'd get outta there wiffout waking them. Somehow I always did and I never had to make up any liezzz about why I was ceaselessly breaking-and-entering their bedroom @ three in the morning.

But other timez I gave myself away. Sure I was a zombie voyeur, but worse than that was when I would actually carry on full-length conversations with my family while I was unconscious. A malfunctioning human walkie-talkie, my gob would run on and on about who effing knowz what until my parent's would wake my azz up and put me back to bed. My family has several stories of times when I would flop outta the house and drag mah corpse feet out to the living room where everyone else would be watch Nick at Nite or some crap. I'd stand in the doorway and start rattling on and on about rando crap that made no sense. My parents tell me that it usually had to do wiff schoolwerk and having to go to my friend's house to do a project or some shit and my family would humor me and then call the insane asylum tuck me back into bed.

But I wonder...what if I still talk in my sleep and what if I divulge certain...er...embarrassing detailz about my life to whoever is chained down in bed nexxxt to me lucky enough to be sharing sleepytime quarters with me?!

All these terrible thoughtz came rushing into my skull when I found and thoroughly digested one of mah favorite new blogz, Sleep Talkin' Man. It's written by this lady whose hubbie is a regular night-talker. The blog is a collection of all the crazzzy backward azz mumbalojumbaloz that he belches out during the wee hours. Most of it is quite hilarious, but I can't stop thinking about how scared I would be to say something incriminating about a wrongdoing or a shameful event from my past and have my significant other chew me out about it the next day...

...aaaaaah shoot. Leave it to me to take sumfing light-hearted and fun and make it an anxiety-inducing nightmare. CHECK OUT DA SITE and prepare to laugh your bumcheekz off.


"Badgertastic!"

16 comments:

hoteltuesday said...

My sister used to sleepwalk and it scared me!!

john said...

I don't sleep talk or walk but I do rock in my sleep. I don't do it all the time, but apparently, it can be a bit vigorous. The wife has has to wake me up before as I was banging into her. At one point she left the bed and slept on the couch, but she had to come back up and wake me as I moved the bed and was making it hit the knock against the wall.

vuboq said...

vampire penguins. zombie gerbils. we're doomed.

*smooches*

Mel said...

My ex used to talk in his sleep, seriously crazy. I recorded one of the bestest ones, when he dreamed he was a member of 19th century British Parliament and Mr. Gladstone was equipping the Whigs with sporks to fight the Tories and their nefarious spoons.

john: Sounds like you may have periodic limb movement disorder of sleep. Welcome to the club. There are meds that can help.

that's J-O-S-H said...

E.Copterz: One night, back when my sister Melody and I used to share a room, I woke up to her sitting in bed laughing in her sleep. It terrified the ballz outta me. Hatez it!


John: Do you have dreamz about being on the high seaz? Do you wake up all seasickerz?!

Mel: The fact that your ex is talking about political stuff in his sleep that I don't even understand when I am fully conscience means either that he is a historical geniuz [read as: nerd] or I'm just a huge moron. I'll bet $.50 it's the latter.

Michelle M. said...

Sleep Talkin' Man is hilarious. Harry talks in his sleep too, but everything he says sounds like "wubba bubba dubba." He also snores, which isn't as amusing.

Nathan said...

neat-o!

Tam said...

I'm sure someone would have mentioned by now if you still talk in your sleep. I never have, nor walked Walking is freaky, talking is just funny. Better to call out someone else's name in your sleep than in a smexy moment, hard to explain that one away.

Very funny Mel.

Jake said...

Oh my god.

I used to sleepwalk really bad when I was a youngin'. And I would also go into my parents bedroom, but I guess I would nudge my dad and just talk to him in gibberish. Thank God I don't do it now. Or do i? I guess I'll never know.

john said...

Josh: No sea sickness, but I have gotten the locked elbow jab awake which has been startling.

Mel: Nope, "rhythmic movement disorder". I've never tried meds specifically for it, but have taken other meds for sleep that have not had any effect on the rocking. But, it really isn't too big an issue for us.

I've rocked on an off my whole life, but not all bed partners have experienced it. The Mrs. has, but she has been in bed with me longer than anyone else and with her, it took about 8 years to show up and be disruptive.

Tam said...

My Dad used to have wicked nightmares where he'd start yelling and freaking out. He never attacked my Mom really but it was close. She would have a hard time waking him up from it as well. A psychiatrist considered using hypnosis to find out what triggered them as he could never remember the dreams but they figured that might bring up stuff better forgotten (crappy childhood). He once kicked the window out of the camper trailer during on the dreams. It hasn't happened for years now and as he got older they became more infrequent.

Justin said...

I only ever walked in my sleep once. I was 8, we were at a hotel, and according to my parents, my father was in the bathroom and I marched in and kicked him off the toilet. Needless to say I have no memory of this, but they always considered it highly amusing. As far as I know, I've never spoken in my sleep.

sleeptalkinman is totally my new favorite blog, though. Zoe Em. Gee. "Can't control the kittens... TOO MANY WHISKERS!!! Too Many Whiskers...."

M. Nicodemus said...

Hehehe... the Mrs. will talk, and occasionally walk, in her sleep. She only does it when she is really stressed out about something; she used to do it all the time when she was working a 9-5 job, but now that she is a Domestic Goddess she hasn't done it in a long time.

My sister used to RUN in her sleep. It would scare the bajezus outta me when she would just take off and run from one end of the house to the other WITH HER EYES CLOSED!

dcm said...

One time my grandfather fell asleep in the living room floor while my grandmother and I were reading and he suddenly started yelling to his "coondawgs" about whatever woodland rodent they had treed. He went on and on, and the story even got so far that he was bringing his kill home and explaining to his mother exactly how he wanted her to cook it before he woke up to the sounds of our raucous laughter.

Also, if I ever wake up to my kid just sitting on my bedroom floor being creeptastic, he might get locked in his room for the night. Is that bad?

David said...

Josh has neither sleepwalked nor spoken in his sleep in any of his overnight stays. The yodeling has been a bit disconcerting, however.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Michelle: It sounds like Harry is channeling Fred Flinstone during his sleepytalkie time!

Nathan: Right on!

Jake: I am pretty sure that I used to carry on full-length convoz wiff mah cats when I was a tot [read as: retarded]. Lord knows what dirrty secretoz I let them in on!

Tam: It never got to the point of shattering windows or anyting. The only thing I ever broke were mah parent's dreams of having a normal child.

Justerz: Kicked him off the toilet?! Damn, I would give all the Fla.Vor.Ice in mah freezer (prox 50 popz) to see a video of that!

M. Nico: Sleep-running?! How scary! It's a good thing she didn't trip over sumfing! I'm not even coordinated enough to WALK when I'm AWAKE.

DCM: That ain't bad at all! If I woke up to mah bastard child watching me sleep, he'd get locked in the closet wiff a million crucifixez ala Carrie.

David: What about my Bjork-inspired throat-singing?! I have quite a gift!