Sunday, January 31, 2010

And the winnerz are...

So all weekend I've been playing Taylor Swift's Fearless on repeat for good luck, hoping that grrrlfriend is able to score the Grammy for Album of the Year during the awards ceremony tonight. I posted about the award nominations a month or so ago and I know a lot of peepz are utterly indifferent to the Grammys, but whatevz...they're important to me, so chut uh.

Sadly, I won't be able to enjoy the show since I a) don't have TV; and b) am werking Sunday night. But you know I'ma be YouTubing the shiz out of it once I get home. As everyone (should) know, the Grammys are pretty much going to be the boxing ring for the three biggest female stars of the year to face-off. Rhonetta, Steven the Beautiful and Victoria Beyoncerz, Lady GaGogglez and T. Swift were the handz down pop queenz of the year and I've been praying like...wo! that Taylor will school those other desperate, pretentious fame-whoring glamor slutz on how to be a genuine and talented musical goddess worthy of my hard-earned dinero.

Along wiff Miz Taylor, I'm also sending wavy good luck vibes towards P!nk (who's performing "Glitter In the Air"!), Katy Perry, MGMT, Paramore, Kelly Clarkson, this guy (performing!), this band (performing!) & Death Cab For Cutie who are all also nominated!

I actually found sumfing semi-entertaining on Perez Hilton last night (I know, who woulda thought?) and it made me laugh cuz it's an accurate depiction and a prediction that I would LURRRVE to see come to troofz...

Let's all keep our fingers, toes and pretty wings crossed that the folkz that I like win! Make sure you watch the show for me tonight @ 8 on CBS!

Friday, January 29, 2010

Go into the light...

It's a very sad day in my heart. Two peepz that had chiseled away at mah nostalgia-ridden mind past away two days ago. Actress Zelda Rubinstein and author J.D. Salinger post hopped a train to Magic Cloud City on the 27th, leaving me pissed that two personaz that I remember from mah younger yearz had to be ripped from the world. I thought I'd take my entry today to pay some mad propz to these individualz for making mi vida so much more rad.

"I don't even know what I was running for - I guess I just felt like it."

So Mr. J.D. Salinger is well-known as the genius that wrote mah favo book of all time, The Catcher in the Rye [feat. title wiff the best metaphor ever]. I remember reading that libro back when I was still in high school and having mah whole life get turned on its noggin. Since this was an 11th grade English class, no one other than myself seemed to give a hoot about reading the books assigned to us, and my teacher knew this. About halfway through the semester, she gave up on even asking any of the other dumboz in mah class any questionz and each day would basically become a conversation between she and I about this symbol or that passage. R.I.P. J.D. Tanx for Holden Caufield, wiff whom I spent many an angsty night of adolescence channeling and tanx for an amazing book, that pretty much changed my life. You sir, were a badazz.

"This house is clean."

Anyone who was breathing in the 1980s know what Poltergeist [not feat. the sequelzzz] is and how it totally rocked the hell outta their minds when they saw it. The killer tree, the corpse swimming pool, the kitchen chair scene, the guy in the mirror, the closet demon (and worst of all) the clown doll under the bed...these were all iconic parts to the biggest terror shitshow of my earliest years. But none of that movie would have had any affect on anyone if it wasn't for the lady above. Zelda Rubinstein played Tangina who is a psychic hired by some retard family to save their daughter who's been kidnapped by an evil spirit that lives in the TV. Grrrlfriend is the best part of the movie wiff her boding visions, gremlin stature and freaky old lady baby voice. In real life, she lurrrrrved the gays and it's clear that they love her since I've seen 4 different blogs wiff dedications to her in the past few days. R.I.P. Zelda, tanx for helping us get our daughter!

Booo! I hate when people I like die!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I'm baking pillows.

For a period of time between the agez of 9 & 13, I was apparently unaware that BED is the greatest place in the entire world and somewhere that I will never want to be apart from when I get older. For awhile I was an Olympic-ready sleepwalker. I would consistently stumble outta mah sheets and wander around my family's house like a fudging lunatic. I was partix fond of stalking about the chamber of my parents' slumber and there were roughly about 10 times I recall waking up sitting on the floor of my parent's room, staring @ them while they slept. I then would wonder how the hell I got there and how the hell I'd get outta there wiffout waking them. Somehow I always did and I never had to make up any liezzz about why I was ceaselessly breaking-and-entering their bedroom @ three in the morning.

But other timez I gave myself away. Sure I was a zombie voyeur, but worse than that was when I would actually carry on full-length conversations with my family while I was unconscious. A malfunctioning human walkie-talkie, my gob would run on and on about who effing knowz what until my parent's would wake my azz up and put me back to bed. My family has several stories of times when I would flop outta the house and drag mah corpse feet out to the living room where everyone else would be watch Nick at Nite or some crap. I'd stand in the doorway and start rattling on and on about rando crap that made no sense. My parents tell me that it usually had to do wiff schoolwerk and having to go to my friend's house to do a project or some shit and my family would humor me and then call the insane asylum tuck me back into bed.

But I wonder...what if I still talk in my sleep and what if I divulge detailz about my life to whoever is chained down in bed nexxxt to me lucky enough to be sharing sleepytime quarters with me?!

All these terrible thoughtz came rushing into my skull when I found and thoroughly digested one of mah favorite new blogz, Sleep Talkin' Man. It's written by this lady whose hubbie is a regular night-talker. The blog is a collection of all the crazzzy backward azz mumbalojumbaloz that he belches out during the wee hours. Most of it is quite hilarious, but I can't stop thinking about how scared I would be to say something incriminating about a wrongdoing or a shameful event from my past and have my significant other chew me out about it the next day...

...aaaaaah shoot. Leave it to me to take sumfing light-hearted and fun and make it an anxiety-inducing nightmare. CHECK OUT DA SITE and prepare to laugh your bumcheekz off.


Monday, January 25, 2010

My Monday Muse

[Before we begin, I want to roundhouse kick your peeperz to the poll @ the bottom of this entry. From now on, tagged on to the last Monday Muse of each month, there will be a cyber voting booth available for all you folkz to pick your favo muse of the month. Make sure you vote!]


I know this may seem like a batshit crazzzy lie, but for usualz, My Monday Muses generally have some sort of coherent reason for their existence and I tend to have an explanation as to why I am posting whatever the bizarre video is. I like to keep some sort of intelligent order in the middle of my orgytastic chaos. However, I don't really know what to explain about this week's muse. I really don't. I found it when I was still in high school. It makes as little sense now as it did back then. Just watch...

Yeah...Lordy, lordy, lordy...who knowz how and where I found this surely drug-induced musical nightmare, but it most definitely proves that I was just as addicted to the interwebz back in 2002 as I am today. The only way I can comprehend this gangbang of retardation is to pretend that it retains some sort of educational value that I can learn from. So I did mah homewerx and this is what I have learned from Yatta!:

1) Just like Elvis, GIEEF lives!
2) The dead Wendy's guy has magical burger powers.
3) Psycho Bear [aka a toy I wish existed when I was small] comes plush & ready!
4) Colin Mochrie really looks like a penis.
5) There is nothing "super" or "fun" about the "Super FunBox."
6) I'm terrified.

I tried to get Gwen Stefani to transfer this crap for me, but she was too busy trying to traffic more Harajuku slaves into los Estados Unidos. So instead, I farted and looked up the meaning of life this video on Google. I found some information but was too lazzzy to read most of it. But here is what I did get around to looking at!: Apparently this genius masterpiece was a song recorded by some goofball group of sixxx AZN d00dz who go by the name Green Leaves [feat. their sexxxy dance attire]. This song is a parody that came from...then I stopped reading. Click HERE to see the original music video and click HERE to see the SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAA! remix.

Now if you don't mind...since the singing fruitz didn't eat it, I'ma hafta scarf down a heaping bowl of QQQQSSSS...I!


Who is your Monday Muse of January 2010?!

the Itty Bitty Titty Committee?
Brenna Kyner?

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Firstz of the Year!

So my friend V.U.B.O.Q. recently posted an entry about his 2010 virginity and how whenever the Año Nuevo comes around, he feels that he is granted a clean slate and starts ova brand new in regardz to...certain private aspects of Well, since I am less open about my sexxxy time secretz than he, I thought that I would share wiff all you folkz what I've "lost my 2010 virginity" to when it comes to books, movies, music & theater! Aren't you excited?! Here, I'll give you a hot minute to collect yourselvez before I begin...






My First Book of the Year
"The Girl in the Flammable Skirt" by Aimee Bender

Back when I was a dutiful little English major [feat. no sleep and constant essays], I had to read a short story by the talented (and adorable!) Aimee Bender for one of mah creative writing workshops. Since that was back during my sophomore year of college [read as: prox 5 yearz ago but feels like 55 yearz ago] I don't remember what story exactly that we read, but I remember being drawn to her prose that read like fully extended poetic lines. Her writing had a mystical imagery and lyrical quality that I'd come to expect crave like a drug fix from poetry and it was beautiful and heartbreaking and depressing and melancholy and gorgeous and every other lovely word one can use to describe a piece of writing. Her story wasn't afraid to dabble into the dark regions of poetic tides and I was completely captivated by [read as: insanely jellerz of] her talents.

Anywayz, I was conversing wiff my BFFL Enrico and he told me about these two stories in partix from her collection of short stories, "The Girl in the Flammable Skirt." One was about a girl who sleeps wiff old peepz, is obsessed with her obese sister and who violently ooglez a rando grrrl'z navel while the other is about a man who had his lips blown off during the war and how his wife copes with not being able to smooooch him. Intrigued by his descriptions while also trusting any recommendation of his (cuz durhzzz...he and I share the same tastez on nearly everyting), I got the collection. I just finished it last night (in between exorcising my soul outta mah lungz via non-stop coughing) and WOWZA! SO GOOD! She's one of those writers that are so talented that I actually felt inspired to get to work on mah own shit. I'm for def def defferz looking to get more of her werk and so I can continually cream over her gorgeous wordz.

I thought I should thank Enrico for convincing me to give this book a shot, so here's a quote from the book that made me immediately think about he and I's relationshit. ::cue violinz::

"He was always sad about the world. It was a reason why I loved him. We'd sit together and be sad and think about being sad and sometimes discuss sadness."

My First CD of the Year
Animal by Ke$ha

So Enrico already posted about this CD a few weekz ago, but eff it! I will too! Ke$ha's so hot hot hot, she deservez all the publicity I can give her! For those of you who have been living underground for the past year (or those old peepz that think they're too good for modern day music, cuz Lord knows the only musical talent that the world has ever experienced was confined solely to what was popular during their generation), Ke$ha is 2010's biggest breakout star! She was originally featured on that crappy garbage track "Right Round" that everyone but me lurrrved. It just gave me a headache! Then she started werking on her own record and tanxb2gawd that it was finally released!

Here is why I lurrrrrrrve Ke$ha, and the reason could be pretty much paralleled for why I love Katy Perry: She knows she's goofy and she knows that she's an underdog. She embraces all the trashy goodness of her image and her music and she uses it to her advantage. WITHOUT TAKING HERSELF TOO SERIOUSLY, she was able to harness the winds of drunken debauchery and score a #1 Hot 100 single, "Tik Tok" while also landing @ numero uno on the album chartz, ousting a certain someone who I also (professionally) adore. I love Ke$ha for her spunky attitude and silly demeanor [feat. gross album cover] and I was all of you hoz reading to go download (or at least listen to!) "D.I.N.O.$.A.U.R.," "Your Love Is My Drug" and "Stephen." Soooooo goood!

Oh, and she gave an interview in the latest issue of Rolling Stone and what she said just further validates why I lurrrve her. Deez werdz could have been ripped outta mah very own mouth!: "I was just hoping to become a pop star before the world ends in 2012." AH! Lovez her!

My First Show of the Year
Next To Normal

A year ago, I never would have included this category in a post like this. But since running into Mr. Pasteeeeeeeeeelnick, I've been to quite a handful of shows in just a matter of months. Unless Every theater in Nueva Nueva goes bankrupt tomorrow, I totally foresee David & I going on many, many more theatrical outingz.

But I'm getting side-tracked (oh no)! Last Monday, we went to go see the critically acclaimed musical Next to Normal. It won three Tony's and received non-stop praise from David, so needless to say, I was expecting the best...and I left the theater speechless! It's one of those neo-rock musicals that are all the rage nowadays. It has a band wiff electric guitars and basses and drumz and shit and the vocalists could very well be lead singers in rock bands as opposed to opera belters. And I like that! The music reminded me slightly of the score in Rent, but whereas I find Rent melodramatic and slightly affected Next To Normal was 100% genuine and incredibly moving. Basically it's about a housewife who is going through a mental breakdown and the play is about her trying to come to copezzz wiff her inner demonz! Sooo good! But, the play doesn't completely waltz around in Depression City...there are quite a few quipz and brilliant one-linerz that do manage to keep it fun and amusing

Oh! And they namedrop Sylvia Plath in one of the songz! Yay! My favorite songs from the show were "Superboy and the Invisible Girl" and "I'm Alive." I love laughing & crying at the same time!

My First Movie of the Year
Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus

Three outta four ain't bad...isn't it? We can't alwayz have a jackpot of brilliant artistic experiencez, can we?! Now I know what all you bloggy folkz are a-thinking: "Duh, Josh. OF COURSE this movie was fucking terrible," and to that I say "Chut uh." I had no doubt in my mind that this shitstorm of a fuckturd pelicula was going to be st00pid and cheesetastico and an embarrassment to the world of cinema. But I thought that at least it would be entertaining!

I already mentioned this movie back during one of my Monday Muses last year, wiff da clip I featured, I thought for serial that it would be a gloriously horrendous and highlarious viewing experience filled wiff bad acting, bad effects, bad writing...just bad everything. I didn't think though that I would be for serial bored as stone though!

There was too much pointless faux-science dialogue and not enough shots of the crappy monster dummiez! And when they did show the creatures, the majority of the time it was just the shark! I mean, don't get me wrong, sharks kick azz...but peepz have seen those a bajillion times in movies. I never see killer octopusses, and I'm fucking pissed off that this cornhole of a film had a ratio of 9:1 of shark vs. octopus shots. Booo. What a shitty way to relinquish mah 2010 movie cherry...where's mah rape whistle when I need it?!

So who have you gringoz put out to so far this year?!

Thursday, January 21, 2010


I never get sick. Not recently anyway. Back when I was a younger lil' artardo, I used to get sore throatz every other day. My freshmen year of college was a constant state of throat lozenges and Ibuprofenzzz. But once I moved out of the dormz my Junior year, I somehow acquired a magical immune system. In the past 4 yearz, I'm been sick a total of three timez. It just so happenz that one of those times is right now (boo & hiss).

I was supposed to go out wiff David last night and have a derrrriciouz dinna somewhere in Nueva Nueva. Well, while Mr. Pasteeeeeeeeelnick was falling asleep during a business meeting that took forevz, I waited for him @ a Starbucks nearby. But as soon as I sat my nalgaz down and started drinking mah chamomile tea, I began to feel like I was being for serial dragged to hell (and totez not in a good way).

My head started spinning and my eyes started a-aching and I kept coughing and scared away some cholita that was sitting nexxxt to me. Of course this Starbuckz closed @ 8 and of course David's meeting ran till like 8:20, so I ended up waiting outside freezing mah azz to the brink of death outside.

Finally he showed up and he more or less carried me back to his apartment to which he shoved mah lifeless corpse into bed and I fell asleep for prox thousand yearz. I woke up en la mañana, still feeling like the Cloverfield monsta was jumping on my skull, so I called outta werk and passed out for anotha three hundred hourz.

When I finally got mah bunz outta bed, I ate some soup and tried to play wiff David's gatoz, Bart & Lisa (cute, right?). Now, as already explained elsewhere on the interwebz, David's catz are not too fond of me. They liked me when I first started coming over, but have since grown to be weary of me. I guess it doesn't also help that I have O.C.D. when it comes to gatoz and can't fathom how there could be felines that don't lurrrve me. Throughout my life, I've lived wiff prox 15 cats and they've all adored me as much as I adored them. So the fact that Bart y Lisa peace out whenever I come near them botherz the hell outta me.

However, Bart let me brush him and pet him for awhile today and he even purred. But of course, scaredy cat Lisa had to be a brat terrified of everything in the entire world and go jetting away from me when I tried to feed her today. She also got pissed (literally) when I sat down on the couch and laid down on two pillowz, not knowing that she was hiding inside the pillow case of one:

Her scampering and piss-inducing fright caused Bart to get annoyed wiff me and he got all Burger & Fries on mah azz. It was annoying and I rolled my eyes, told them to eff off and then laid down and slept some more. As I write this, Lisa is underneath the desk, paralyzed wiff fear that I am still here...

...while Bart is sitting on the other side of the room staring @ me like any second now mah head will explode into a fiery demon hellhound that will eat his existence & laugh at his pain...

I lurrrve catz and it upsets pissez the taint off of me that these gatoz are beyond crippled with horror whenever I enter the apartment. Guess I'll just ignore them for awhile and let them sort out their personal shit themselves. I ain't a counselor! Ugh...I miss Baberz, Mowgli and Hermanita!

Oh, but hey! At least I don't feel as sick! Yay! ::cough::

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


So last week in a desperato attempt to have sumfing to blog about, I asked all mah Twitter stalkers followerz to heave some questions over my way so I could pretend to be a celebrity.and amuse my readerz [read as: myself]. So here are a batch of a few Qs that I will A. Feel free to comment wiff your answerz too! I'm always up for knowing more pointless detailz about peepz' lives!

House on fire, what are the three things you grab first?
[from David]

If my house burst into flames (tanx for putting this image into my head) and I could only grab three tingz...well I tink it would be obvious what I would choose. Mowgli. Hermanita. And Baberz. Even though my catz aren't retarded and wouldn't just be farting about while the casa got dragged to hell, if they were unable to get their little rearz in gearz, I would of wiffout tinking grab them and bolt out of the burning inferno death shack that was mah humble home.

But let's consider the factz here that even if they didn't run out of the house and needed to be carried, mah housemate Shawn is for serial much stronger than me and would probably save their assez. So in that case, I would have to grab: 1) mah CD collection (durhzzz, I couldn't let mah copiez of Lindsay Lohan's Speak and Kelly Osbourne's Shut Up get melted down into nothingness!); 2) mah complete catalog of Simple Life seasonz (I need to have sumfing hilarz to watch while I'm homeless & crying on the street); and 3) mah candy apple red lappytop so I can blog about how brave and heroic [read as: scared shitless and pitiful] I was during the fire. Oh, and I'd also use the laptop to beg non-stop for $$$ from all you folkz. Fill up mah PayPal and buy me a new house, please!

How old when you first kissed a boy? First kissed a girl?
[from Polt, duh]

Even though I thought for sure that I had answered this question once before, I might as well assume that you all care and want to hear the answer again. Oh who am I kidderz? Y'all are some nosy pervertoz (which is pretty much why I get along so well wiff you folkz). Well, lemme start wiff the question that you probz care about the least. The first time I kissed a girl, I didn't really like it. In fact, it wasn't even what I tink you hoz would call a full-fledged kiss. It was a peck on the cheek and it happened when I was ugly and in high school [circa 16 yearz young]. I was standing outside the school auditorium. It was Spring I believe and I was waiting for mi madre to come pick me up. I was chitterchatting wiff my [non]grrrlfriend... lemme digress for a hot second. My definition of a "[non]grrrlfriend" is a cholita that a gay guy will date in high school, pre-coming out, largely due to the fact that everyone tells him that he should and that it would be "cute." [Non]grrrlfriendz often times have crushes on the gay d00d and since the gay is afraid to openly adore p33n and since this grrrl is in their group of friendz, it seems to make sense that they should "go out" [read as: carpool wiff each other when they go to group movie nightz wiff 12 of their closest friendz @ the local cinema].

Anyway...throughout high school/middle school, I had prox three [non]grrrlfriendz. This one chica was chillin' outside the auditorium after play practice one day and we were gabbing on about sumfing unimportant [aka was probz some juicy gozzip that MeAnT EvErYtHiNg tO Us @ the time]. I don't know how it happened, but I saw my mom's car pull up by the school, so as I was leaving, I thanked [non]grrrlfriend for keeping me company (weird?) and as I leaned in to faux-hug [aka wrap arms around each other but still somehow have your hips three feet away from the other's] she puckered her lipz and planted one right on mah cheek. Considering that I had no idea what to do or if this was supposed to be cool/scary/fun/arousing/retarded/gross/whateva, I pulled away and quickly kissed the side of her head before bolting off to mah mom's car and probably vomming.

Now, in regards to boyz...the story is much more direct and easy to tell. Me and three friends, one of which was a fellow queermo, were @ a high school dance. I was a senior in high school (roughly 18) and the DJ was playing terrible muzak [aka not playing Kelly Clarkson's "Miss Independent" on repeat]. We decided to be rebelz and peace out and catch a flick. Since I love violence and pain, we all decided to go see The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Yay! One of mah favo peliculaz!). We got to the theater. We watched peepz get slaughtered. We reveled in their misery. Then we drove home. Of course the two gay d00dz were assigned to sit in the backseat together. Then for some reason that still escapez me we started making out while our two friends in the front seatz rambled on and on about severed limbz & Jessica Biel's manface. It was a romantic moment that I will forever cherish [read as: drunkenly retell and laugh about when I'm feeling especially sloshy & self-important].

What made you start a blog?
[from alifethatfitsu]

Yay! Good pregunta! Josh Is Trashy has only been crapping up the interwebz for goin' on two yearz this Spring. But it's been in the making since middle school. I alwayz had a lot of rude insightful opinionz that I constantly felt compelled to bark out @ peepz when I was younger. Howevz, I also had crippling self-confidence issuez and could never muster up da strength to tell hoz what I really thought about shiz. So prox 9 or so yearz ago, I created mah first website. It was mad fucking pointless and stupid, but it kept me entertained so I contiunally updated it for a year or so. Then college appz started to pop up and I got a jerb (serving tablez...yes, that's the same place I werk at now...tanx for noticing), so I kinda gave up on it.

But I still had a lot to say. Plus, I started going through that "I'm dEpReSsEd & NoBoDy UnDaStAnDz MeEeEe" phase that all high schoolerz seem to suffer through. So I created a My-Diary and later a LiveJournal so I could have an open forum to bitch about mah life [feat. milking complimentz and attention from my concerned peerz]. I continued wiff da LiveJournal into college, but then gave it up when I discovered alcohol and hooking up (a past time we all know that I have since abandoned). I then spent roughly a year or so not really doing any online writing.

I then thought that it would be a supasexxxy idea to start another site to chronicle mah post-college adventures. I started it prox a week before I got mah diploma and I used it mainly to write crappy short stories [feat. no funny fake werdz/mispellingz and very few MS Paint pix] and to bitch about not finding a jerb. I kept up wiff that for prox nine monthz and was happy when Josh Is Trashy could score 3 hits a day. Then I reconnected wiff mah BFF and was introduced to a motley crew of nutbarz and hence changed mah site to be a goofy clusterfuck of artarded ramblingz and witty [read as: desperately mediocre] commentary from yours truly. I don't know about you folkz, but I much more enjoy the current state of this dumping ground of blog as opposed to the snooze festival it was prox a year ago. Plus, I don't have TV, so this silly little interweb shitstain that I called Josh Is Trashy has pretty much taken over mah vida as my main source of entertainment. Vain yes, but at least there's no commercialz!

So what about you folkz? You got stories to share and answerz to these questions?! Spill the beanz!

Monday, January 18, 2010

My Monday Muse

Brenna Kyner

So tanxb2gawd American Idol has finally come back into my life. Sure took it long enough! The season premiere was on Tuesday and all you hoz know that I was watching it. Me & mah two best grrrlfriendz from college, Sam & Xtina, ate prox a thousand pieces of pizza and spewed constant rude commentary during the two-hour show. I then forced David to have me over on Wednesday so I could watch the second episode that featured the today-funny-tomorrow-annoying "Pants On the Ground" song sang by some old d00d. So in honor of mah favo television show kamikaze-diving back into mah life, I thought I'd bring out one of mah favo Idol contestants ever as this week's Muse...

[To watch video, clickityclick the play arrow in the bottom left corner. If you click the arrow in the main page, some weird Asian thing takez forever to load and ruinz your day.]

Lemme just get mah only beef outta the way first. Beauty queen here says that she is an "Idol Supa Fan" and dat she knowz everyting and that she's BFFLz wiff da show...but she being phoney as hell cuz everrrrrybody knows I'm da king of dat castle! Aside from that though...she's pretty tight.

So Brenna [feat. chinz] comez bobblin' into the audition room screaming to the high heavenz cuz she has discovered that the Idol judgez are serial real people and not some Stepford TV robots. Simon's eyes bug out probz cuz his pupils can't take in all the radiating talent of dis chica deluxe!

And what better way to display your talents than to sing your heart out start ramblin' on about your obsession wiff some former Idol nobody that no one but me remembers (Ace Young, long hair, high voice, sang Train's "Drops Of Jupiter" TERRIBLY)??? Ace drew her an ugly tattoo that looks like a shiny bubble butt and now she has it on her wrist so she has a stencil to cut along if the judges hurt her feelings. It's a metaphor! Kinda.

She tellz us she is the most important person ever (like we didn't know!) cuz there has never been anyone on Idol like her before [read as: looking like a trannie pillow monsta]. She then does her impression of wailing fire sirens sings "Under Pressure" by Freddie Mercury Queen & David Bowie. Cut to Simon paralyzed by her beauty. Cut to "the drunk one" being mad jellerz that she ain't got those pipez. Cut to guest judge Jewel mentally writing a chart-topping duet for her and Brenna to do together. Cut to Randy being fat [feat. an awful picture of Kelly Clarkson behind him].

Then the judges fart about how she isn't good and my dreamz of seeing 15 more weeks of Brenna [feat. her um...ten yearz of training] are slashed to piecez! I lurrrve how Jewel does damage control and it doesn't werk cuz Brenna (and myself!) are now deeply depressed forevz!

Bitch should totally come back [feat. her degree in vocal performance] nexxxt season (if the show still existz)! I think she has what it do what? Be our AMERICAN IDOL (like duh!). Chut uh, Paula.

Oh...and here are some videos of Brenna singing wiff some band on YouTube! Huzzah for talent!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Music Video Vault

Britney Spears - "Lucky"

We all knew it was inevitable. BritBrit had soooo many great ridiculous videoz ova the yearz, that it was only a matter of time till one of them popped up here! I was a lil' bit hesitant about doing another Music Video Vault because these postz always seem to get the most humbling response, but as long as it amuses certain peepz [aka Enrico & Val], I thoughts I'd overlook the expected low comment number and write it anyway.

So here we go! Britney Spears first came on the scene back when dinosaurz roamed the Earth [circa 1998]. She had a breakout single/album wiff "...Baby One More Time" and danced around in a Catholic schoolgrrrl outfit which caused a bunch of stuffyheaded old peepz to get their Dependz in a bunch. Along wiff Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore and Jessica SimpSHIT!, she took ova the pop muzak scene and ushered in a wave of cheesy sparkly sugary soundbitez that would fill my adolescence wiff unmistakable happiness and (dangerous) obsessing.

She released several albums, scored some Grammy nominations (and one win!), copied Aaliyah, made out wiff Madonna, got married (twice?), got divorved (twice?), had a TV show, had some chillunz and then had a breakdown. It was around this point that peepz everywhere were afraid Brit was gonna off herself. She killed a car wiff an umbrella and shaved her head (grrrl could have used this as an opportunity to try out some new lookz!). And then she did that Gawd awful gorgeous Video Music Awards performance where she shook her pork rollz about the stage and looked confused. But through all this bullshiz, grrrlfriend was still raking in some major cash, so all the h8rz can go eat some crotch.

She then disappeared for awhile and came back wiff gunz ablazing. Her latest disc was called Funhouse Circus and was a huge hit wiff two top ten singlez and a tour that earned roughly $17 bajillion. Though she has little-to-no vocal talent and has only penned prox 35% of her song catalog, Britney is quite the performer and has given me an arsenal of surefire go-toooooz for whenever I need a pick-me-up.

But out of all of her killa trax, there is one in partix that fills my head with sunshiny unicornz and glitter magic rainbows more than any others! And that song [feat. BRILLZ music video] is posted below...

VIDEO SYNOPSIS: Since Britney is really good @ acting [see: her Oscar Razzie award-winning performance in Crossroads], they decided to have her play multiple roles in the theatrically exquisite video. She playz 1) narrator Britney; 2) ghostly subconscious Britney; 3) spoiled bitch celebrity Britney; and 4) God Britney who sits in the sky and gazez longingly into the camera. She's so dynamic! Well, the first Britney openz the CGI curtain for us and the second Britney begins our story on top of a billboard that's plastered wiff Britney #3's mug. Confused yet?

These are the kind of muzak videoz that I LOVE. They follow the song line by line. Cheeeeesetastico! "Early morning, she wakes up..." ::Brit wakes up:: "Knock, knock, knock on the door," ::knock, knock, knock on the door::. Some creepster old man handz her a bouquet of ugly flowerz and she doesn't care cuz she's a lonely bitch. Then a trio of inner demon Britneys try and hypnotize her.

They fail and then there is anotha knock on da door and she openz it and it turnz out she's in a movie or some crap. The director yells "Cut!" cuz he's blinded by Britney's brilliance and then she turnz the bitch switch to 11 and goes storming off the set ala Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls. She then snortz @ some loser on the phone while ghost Britney hatez her azz.

Brit #4 appearz perched on a ledge in the sky. She flicks some cocaine funtime special dust all over the peepz down below. Lucky [aka rich skank Britney] wins an award and she accepts it on the red carpet in front of two palm trees(?). The Hollywood girl then is ushered off to sit in her and sulk and stare longingly into her bedazzled fairytale mirror.

The video endz wiff her lying in bed, crying like she's just read "The Truth the Dead Know" and wondering why deez tearz come @ night. Yay! Sad ending!


:32 - God Britney shows us that heaven is apparently filled wiff gaudy Xtinamas ornamentz.

- When I was a lil' queermo, I desperately wanted wind-induced hair flipz like Britney's!

2:23 - The phone she is using is soooooo old skool! It's prox the size of the moon.

2:27 - That star violently crushes Britney and her crew. Terrifying scene segue!

2:47 - Roger Johnson from Pop News! I swurrr on Jeebuz that when I first saw this video, I aspired to grow up to have Mr. Johnson's trabajo! Oh hell...I still do.

3:00 - The beat is synchronized with the stalkarazzi's flashing bulbz! So. Clever.

3:20 - Some major gay is losing his shit hardxxxcore cuz of Britney's prescence [aka an everyday occurrence].

THE CONCLUSION: Sadly, I don't tink that BritBrit will ever be able to go back to make gorgeously cheeky and PG-rated songz. Now that she's played in every club everywhere all the time, it seems like she's pigeonheld to coo on and on about sexxx and threesomez and womanizing. But who knowz?! Maybe one day she'll make mah dreamz come to troofz and record "Lucky 2: A Fallen Star" or some shit like that. With like, sparkles and stuff glittering all ova the title. It could focus on her downward spiral into drugz and lesbiana experimentation before she finally discovers the real meaning of life [aka believing in yourself or some garbage like that]. Yeah...that would be effing sweet.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Stuck on a roller coaster, can't get off this ride.

This is gonna be a quick little post. Don't really know the point of it, but I just wanted to share with you folkz sumfing innnnnneresting I came across while @ werk on Sunday. As is the custom wiff many restaurantz, the joint I work at covers their tables with long sheets of paper, to keep everyting nice and clean and to eliminate the need to change a table cloth after every seating.

Since we're kid-friendly or some crap like that, we bring over little packs of crayons to any niñoz that bop on in for some grub. Most of the time, they just draw suming that lookz like dis:

Utter crap. But what can we expect? Kids are st00pid and not good @ anything, so it's not their fault that their drawings look like a Muppet's vomit. 99.9% of the time we'll just laugh at their artistic failurez as we clean up the table and crumple up their masterpiecez and trash it. But every now and then, I'll give a double-take while finishing up mah shift. And one such moment took place while I was finishing up my brunch shift last Sunday.

As alwayz, there were a ridic number of families that came in wiff their little kids. Aside from them whining and asking for specialty eggz and shit that aren't on the menu [feat. frustrating the hell outta the chefz], they tore through 1/3 of our crayon supply. But as I was stripping the dirrty plates and utensils and uneaten food off of the mesas, I uncovered a quite intriguing drawing on one particular table:

Don't write it off yet! Don't let that terrifying cat-dragon on the left-hand side completely drag you to hell (in a bad way) yet! It took some investigating but after careful examination I was able to dissect this brillz illustration. Not pictured is a carnival setup wiff food stands and games and shit all drawn out like a giant map to an amusement park. This picture above features what seems to be the mega roller coaster in the center of some tot's imaginary dream theme park.

But wait...

...what's that? Is that someone screaming as their FUCKING CART GOES CAREENING OFF THE TRACK?! Yes! And please place your peeperz below the coaster on the aptly named "Hospital" building that is depicted housing a "hurt person." I think I need to find the child who drew this glorious pieced of perfection and have them named the rightful successor to Josh Is Trashy if and when I peace out. This could very well have been sumfing that I would draw today would have drawn when I was a little retard.

Seeing this death ride reminded me of when I was younger and I used to make all sortz of physically impossible murder coasters on Roller Coaster Tycoon. My patrons never stood a chance! I used to rocket their azzes up into the air and not have the track finish and watch as their carts would explode all over the park. That was some real Final Destination shet right there! Yes, I was quite a deranged child and it soothez mah heart to know that there are lil' totz out there following in my sick, sick footsteps. ¡Viva la macabre!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Bloggy Gift Exchange Bonanza 2009!!!

Holy fudge! After months of back 'n' forthing and emailing and postage and (forced)holiday cheer, I am ready to post the picturaz from the Bloggy Gift Exchange Bonanza 2009! I have received photos from nearly everyone, so I thought that I should post this before it gets any later and less relative. Since the post is gonna be a thousand milez long, I thought that I might as well get this hollerdaze shitshow unda way! So grab urself some spike appa' cider, scarf down a handful of stale red & green M&Mz and sit ur nalgaz down to enjoy the festive smiles below and feel all warm inside! I command you to!

John [feat. flopster earz] was under the wingz of Michelle this hollerday season!: "I got a card, a handmade gingerbread ornament she made herself!, some water color paper, water color paints and a Tori Amos CD, some candy canes and a stocking. She kicks ass!"

M. Nicodemus will be busy at the beginning on this new year wiff his reading material ("Off Armageddon Reef" by David Weber) courtesy of Ryan with the Cupcake. He also inquired about a possible Valentine's Day fiesta...who wants to plan it?!

Michelle [aka GoblinBox] had the great fortune of receiving a visit [read as: gift] from Saint Adam!: "Adam Sullins sent me ZOMBIEZ and I LOVEZ THEM! Yay!"

Apparently Craiggerz got a modeling contract for the hollerdaze this year! His gift-giver Nathan also bequethed him other stuff too!: "Argyle underwear! They're awesome. He didn't know what kind I wore so he got me briefs, boxers, and boxer briefs...It also came with a VERY sexy card which is totally NSFW so I won't share it."

Mystery man Marcus had a beautiful holiday of self-reflection teanx to Mr. Polt who sent him some reading material that could have very well fallen off of my bookshelf, "All About Me."

Yay! Jere Keys won't starve this winter tanx to GoblinBox: "A care package of veggie Mexican food from Michelle Morgan who remembered a) that I was a vegetarian and b) that on Halloween I was complaining that New York Mexican food is terrible...I still haven't had a chance to cook up the food yet, but when I do, I imagine it will be fiesta time in my boca!"

Kristen Malone is starting off this shiny new year with a bountiful box of bathtime bliss (I <3 alliteration)!! Paul was a grade-A hollerday deluxe elf! Kudoz you, now get back to the North Pole!

Mi hermana Melody got some guy I know two gifts! David [feat. Bart!] can now spend his Wednesdays reading Paul Russel's "Sea of Tranquillity" & listening to the soundtrack to The Glorious Ones instead of posting that gross Wednesday Tent Pitch! Way to go sis!

Enricoskatez couldn't have had a more fitting gift-giver...MEEE (I swurr it wasn't rigged)! E. Copterz was given a holiday crying kit to ensure many nights of reflective melancholy and poetic inspiration [feat. The Swell Season's new disc & poet/TCNJ professor extraordinaire Catie Rosemurgy's "My Favorite Apocalypse"]!

Mel received his gift from Marcus!: "The fleece throw is Virgin Mary blue, so it inspired me to put together a sacrilecious nativity scene (feat. Baby Jeebus Tuck). He also sent the scented votives and the mini Zen garden, so Buddha and Ganesh got to be the Wise Men offering them up as presents."

My bloggy godmother Tam received derrrrrricious chocolate and some glorious literature ("Julia's Chocolates" by Cathy Lamb) from Mr. Equality Pasteeeeeeeelnick!

Adam [feat. the adorable Spring] sure had a jolly hollerday!: "Kristen Klenner Malone was my secret Santa...she sent me an adorable homemade cat toy and two embroidered fancy (read: cloth) napkins. She must have cyber stalked me like crazy to find out about my obsession with garden gnomes, which I totally approve of."

Steven [aka V.U.B.O.Q.] is now equipped to continue the practice of his favorite sport: "OMG! Present from Dave S.! Martini Glass! Singing Card!...Two days later, I wake up in my bathtub wearing sparkly underwear. (Did Dave S. coat the glass with something? Hmmm)"

My dearest sister Melody's camera is sadly broken down in Busted City, but luckily her brother is a genius wiff MSPaintz! Tanx to mah brilliancy I was able to recreate her enjoying the loot she received via Chris D.! She learned all about bugz wiff the documentary (Life In the Undergrowth) she received, while chillerskating out with the music she was sent and the cute ('s supposed to be moi!) handmade Josh is Trashy ornament!

Nathan had M. Nicodemus as his personal Sandy Clawz this year and holy shet, check out dis bounty!: "Since I love ze letter Z ('zed') M. Nicodemus has graciously prepared a hefty cookbook and drinks book filled with lovely meal ideas that begin with the letter Z ('Zed'). Also, I received a special pumpernickel loaf of bread that was SHAPED like me! Tres cool! And I got a t-shirt too! He combined my deep love of bassoon and video games, and made me a hilarious and delightful t-shirt that I've legit been showing off to all of my friends."

Ryan with the Cupcake had the honor of being gifted by the bloggy gawd that started it all, Craiggerz! Ooooo! KenKen [aka sumfing I'm not clever enough to play] and a picture depicting the impending destruction of the Leaning Tower of Pizzas?! Jackpot!

Polt is probably the luckiest person in this entire gift exchange! As we all know, Enrico [feat. myself] has the greatest tastez of all time, so he got Polt two of the greatest pop albums of the decade, Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway" and Nelly Furtado's "Loose"...huzzah!: "Me with my two CD's and book of...helpful knowledge. :)"

Chris D. is quite the luckster duckster! His gift-giver, Jere was a holly jolly genius this year!: "Jere sent me an awesome argyle sock puppet along with a gift card to Borders and a nice card."

The goddess of mah life P!nk Michelle apparently won the December lotto [read as: had Tam as her secret benefactor]!: "Lots of Canadian goodies - some did not make it into the photo because I ate them. Oink. Also, an Ottawa ornament and Tam's Canadian mix CD. I'm getting bombed on the Canadian ice wine brandy she sent."

Paul can practice that Star Trek "finger thing" that I'm not smart/patient enough to figure out wiff his new action figure...but not just that! His uber-gifted gifter, John, made a sexxxy Family Guy card! WHAAAAT?! So. Talented!

Dave S. is looking like a rawkster (wiff his rock mooo-oooo-ooovez) tanx to Mel! The knitted headband goes great wiff his rough 'n' tumbler hair and the fudge is apparently derrricious according to Dave's special-time friend, Matt!

And finally, here's mah goofy azz [feat. a disinterested Baberz] wiff the fabo giftz that V.U.B.O.Q. sent me. If you remember, it was a hat that he made and sent me back in September that sparked this whole gift exchange idea. Funny how he was also the one to get my name this time around! Anyway, he made me a gorgezzz mug and sent me two writing journalz, one of which I have already started jotting down some surefire flopz poetic breakthroughz. Lovez it!

Well there we have it ladiez and gentlegringoz! This concludez the Bloggy Gift Exchange of 2009. Oh! And mah burfday isn't until February 27th, so you have plenty of time to send me sumfing derricious & $exxxy. Tanx again to everyone for participating and making this more fun than I ever imagined. Now let's get back to gang-mugging 2010 for its lunch money.