Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Snow Sucks

I don't get it. It makes the roadz shetty. It's cold & slippery. It melts and makes the ground sloppy and sick. So why is everyone seem so chipper about the clouds bulimia vomming up all dis snow ova the weekend?! I counted roughly 15 peepz that I have spoken to that have not only been happy about the snowstorm of this past Saturday, but have been ecstatic for it! "It's pretty!" Who carez?! It's a pain in the nalgaz to deal with and I personally wanna donkey punch the hell outta Mother Nature to teach that slut to keep her dirrty white powder up her nose and not in my backyard.

"Damn Josh, someone woke up on the wrong side of David's bed today," is probably want you're thinking and I apologize. But lemmmmmmeeeeee essplain! Last Saturday night, I was told by the manager of the restaurant that I work at that I didn't need to come in for the dinner shift since reservations were decreasing due to the barrage of snow. So I spent the evening chillaxing by the fire wiff Shawn, listening to pop muzak and laughing @ the batch of videoz I'm preparing for Monday Muse 2010.

For those of you who don't already know, most Sundays I work a double shift at the restaurant. So I wake up at 9 the next morning to go scrap the snow off my car so I can get to work by 9:30. I get to the front door and hell to the no, there is over a foot of snow blocking everything in. Luckily [cuz I am smartz!] I parked my car at the bottom of our driveway, so I didn't have to go far to get onto the road. However...it did mean that I had to trek little under a quarter of a mile to get to mi coche. To prepare myself, I got on my finest pair of snowbootiez [aka wrapped plastic bags around my feet]:


They were a great help when I took my first step into the snowy fluff and found myself ankle deep in it. I then grumbled my way to my car. This is how far I had to walk...you can't even see my house from there!:


Then I found Shawn and I's poor cars freezing their tirez off at the mouth of our driveway [feat. blocked by a snowplow's huge snowdrift]:


After I cleaned off my entire car the front windshield and 4-wheel drove my car over the snow drift, I got to werk and was bored to death. Since peepz are smarter than me, then didn't even bother to leave their houses Sunday, so in turn I only had two tables. Booo! I'm poor! I got home at 2:30 and decided to be a good housemate and shovel away the heavenly debris off our driveway before I had to return to work at 6. Turnz out that I'm more ambitious than I thought I was. I worked nonstop from 2:30 t0 5:45 shoveling and even now, 2 days later, I am still feeling the burn. Luckily for me, my three beautiful babiez accompanied me on my manual labor death no-fun shovelathon...

Mowgli saying "Herro."


Baberz being pissed off like me and sulking around cuz of the snow.


Hermanita completely distracting me with her unbelievable beauty.


But after horaz of pain and with a demeanor so angry & seething that I could probz melt all the damn snow with my fire breath, I (more or less) finished shoveling the whole driveway!:


Yay! Kudoz me! So while I was working and driving on treacherous roadz and breaking all my bones via physical extremez, what were all you lazzzybonez up doing during the snowstorm? If you weren't on the east coast, you can still answer the question! I won't hate you! I'll just be obscenely jellerz that you didn't have to deal with this winter weather clusterfuck and harbor unfair resentment against you.

20 comments:

vuboq said...

I hope you weren't recording music videos whilst driving on the treacherous roads.

My snow-coping mechanisms involve: Drinking a lot, crazy sports-esque activities with the neighbors, and ... um ... drinking a lot.

*smoooooooooooooooches*

Chris D. said...

I wasn't one of those people jumping for joy over the snow. I didn't mind it that much either. I am glad I had purchased my little electric snow thrower the night before the big storm. It sure helped clear my driveway.

I am glad that you survived. Perhaps David can massage your aching body back to normalcy.

I love how remote your house feels! One day I would like to own a big stone house surrounded by acres of woods. Of course I would also want some cool multifunction tractor type device that could plow my long drive way and mow my grass. Hmmm... Maybe even a robot that could do it.

Then I would throw grand Gatsby-esque parties. I'd feel like a boat borne back ceaselessly by the wind as I looked out across the lake at the green light at the end of my Daisy's dock. Ah yes...

Laura said...

I drove to DC specifically for snowpocalypse to get swasted with my sorority sistas whom I made blackout with my mastery of jungle juice making!

When we weren't drinking we were running around our nation's capital laughing at the massive FAIL. Dem hoes only have 17 snowplows for the whole city and everyone freaked and locked themselves inside since they haven't seen more than 6 inches since 1982 and couldn't handle 2 feet.

callonmevalerie said...

WHEN THE FUCK DID BABERZ GET SO BIG?!

Ryan said...

I'm currently in MN enjoying my yearly dose of winter. While I do enjoy a little winter, I definitely do not miss having to worry about the way winter storms mess with travel. Last year, I was unable to see any of my friends from college because a winter storm would hit every time I had an opportunity. Driving over a 100 miles in the freezing rain is more than anything is worth.

goblinbox said...

I spent 15 years living in the Midwest where they totez know how to deal with winter weather.

Here in the Great NW, however, well. It snowed over half a foot a few week ago, and the city did nothing.

No plows. No sand. No salt.

I think they ran a blade down, like, three major streets and called it good.

Then there was an ice storm, and they didn't do shit about that, either, other than close the schools.

How hard is it to look outside, SEE IT'S SNOWING, and call the plow guys and put them to work? Seriously. How hard?

Winter sucks. I hate it.

Mel said...

I love me some winter weather, especially when I get to stay home. It is a bitch when you've got to be somewhere on time, though. And someday we need stairs down our hillside. I've taken a header down the drive which, while quite spectacular in retrospect, really hurt at the time.

tornwordo said...

Slogging into work for two lousy tables is enough to put anyone in a bad mood. Luckily, this snow business only happens every few years down your way.

madtexter (corey james) said...

Josh,

I must say. You are the bliss in my day. I can't wait to read what you have posted!

And snow. It's wonderful (until the dogs have their way with it. Ick! I hate picking up snow to eat and it's yellow. Hummph! Let alone if it's steaming and brown.

Have a wonderful winter wonderland!

Tam said...

I'm with ya sweetie, I hate the snow but if I had your driveway I think I'd have to commit suicide. Ack!!! No wonder your body hurts.

We amazingly did not get the snow this last time, we had it about a week ago. And I was at work all day, then had to shovel my car out because the guy who lives where I rent a space on his driveway to park was away and drive home in it. Oh yeah. Fun time. Sure it looks purty, so does a beach and blue sea, I'm up for that. Anyone joining me in Aruba?

FDot said...

It snowed? I was in California lounging outside in a t-shirt enjoying the 75 degree, sunny weather.

You've got to demand larger tips at the restaurant so you can pay somebody to shovel your driveway next time.

David said...

I was out all Saturday running errands and counseling someone on the phone when he got upset about something one of his beautiful babiez broke.

Sunday I was out again, catching a show and attending a fundraiser.

There is no side of my bed that you could wake up on that would ever be wrong.

hoteltuesday said...

I love Baberz! Send him to me!

I already posted about the snow, so go read that post or something.
And btw, this is one reason why I'm glad to be done with my restaurant job. Last summer it rained EVERY DAY and I didn't make as much money as I did the summer before when it was hot every day.

Polt said...

David: you last sentence, I was wondering that myself. :)

I luckily had swtiched saturday with a coworker, so once parked Miss Cleo Firday night, I didn't take her outta her space until yesterday. I did have to spend 45 minutes shoveling her out though.

I love snow, but not this much. 6-8 inches is usually good for me (that's what HE said!). This is too much, no place to put it, not melting, just icky.

HUGS...

Mel said...

I also meant to say: Precious, you needs to get you some proper footwear. Cold feets is just wrong, and there ain't no need.

john said...

I LOVE the snow and winter! Best time of year. Though, I will say, I could have done with a little less, we got nearly 18 inches! Due to the generosity of the wife's cousin, we have a snow blower and I was able to plow us out in about an hour (we have a big driveway, but not as big as yours (that's what he said)).

Baberz's tail is magnificent! Hermanita is quite pretty, for a cat and as for Mowgli: "Herro yourself."

Michelle M. said...

Why didn't you get David to shovel the driveway for you? And then make you more cookies?

that's J-O-S-H said...

VUBOQ: Drinking, drinking and more drinking is how I would have liked to spend the past weekend. Intoxicated snowball fight?! Yes, please!

Chris D.: You just scored +32 pointz for your Gatsby-inspired comment.

Laura: My birfday is comin' up and I expect bottles of jungle juice to be wrapped and sent to my doorstep.

Val: Last Thursday.

GoblinBox: I used to lurrrrve cold weather so much more than the summer. But since I've gotten older and have progressed outta the benefits of snow [i.e. school closings and delayed openings], I realize how much it really does suck azz.

Mel: I can only imagine how painful [read as: entertaining for onlookerz] that must have been!

Tornwordo: Seriously. And I only serve tables on the weekends since those are supposed to be the $$$-making shiftz. Boooo! What a waste of a weekend!

MadTexter: Jeebuz...I am glad I don't have dogz. I don't know what I would have done if I was trying to shovel and I kept stepping in pudding-colored blobs of fecal snow...someone would have been murdered.

Tam: I am packing my swimmy trunkz and mah nose plugs as I type this.

FDot: I like the way you think. "I know you only got a coffee and bowl of soup ma'am, and I know it only totaled to $10, but for serial, I think I deserve at least $20 as a tip because....cuz....yeah, just give me your money please."

David: If I woke up anywhere near Lisa...that's a bad side! Grrrl hatez my azz and would probably cut the hell outta it wiff her switchblade pawz.

E. Copterz: You & I need to get famous ASAP so we can finally be the ones getting served, instead of the other way around.

Polt: Right?! I am used to light, goofy snowz that are melted within a day of the falling. But this downpour of frosty hell seems like it's NEVER gonna peace out!

John: There always has to be one person to go against the grain! Sorry John, you're wrong. Snow is death central!

Michelle: Right? I'm trying to train him...we're goin' to couples counseling [aka I yell at him to do things for me till he caves in and does it, while crying of course].

Laurie said...

Apparently my little SE corner of VA was the only inch of the east coast spared. In fact not even an inch .....we got .25 inch(es) of snow.

Sorry Josh, but I love it. The snow. I have no great excuses and no great stories and no sulky cats without it.

Lucky. (you)

Laurie said...

PS--Merry (white) Christmas Josh!