Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Bright Lightz

[Have you voted for the final round of the Monday Muse of 2009 Showdown?!]

I had the fortunate opportunity of being able t0 spend last weekend wiff mah beau of sortz, David and it was quite a loverly time! Since he is much more prompt in blogging about our outingz togetha [feat. an actual post with actual information written coherently and intelligently], I think I will let him provide all you nosey folkz wiff da detailz. The reason I am posting is to highlight one specific thing that happened to Mr. Pasteeeeeeeelnick and I during our outing.

We had just gotten done wiff dinna and David wanted to show me around his neighborhood. We saw a bunch of rich Brooklyn peep housez that I will alwayz be too poor to live in and as we made our way around the third block of wall-2-wall mansionz, I saw sumfing glowing down the street...


"Is Ali Lohan around herre?! I smell Christmas magic!" I may or may not have shouted to no one. This mass of colorz and blinding lightz made me tink for a hot second that Deep Impact was for serial and that a blazing space boulder was crashing into the Earth. Then I realized that I was stoopid and progressed closer to this wonder.


As we walked further down the block, the snowmen on the frontlawnz began to look more and more dead [read as: melted] which I arbitrarily scientifically concluded was due to the heat emanating from the orgasmic neon clusterfuck just a few housez away. Luckily for me, I had special mega shield sunglasses, so I was able to approach the lightz wiffout my retinaz exploding. Unluckily for David, he didn't have said glasses and went blind almost immediately upon setting his peeperz on the glowing mass.

After I safely dumped poor David in a nearby bush, I went to investigate this monstrosity of wonder. I grabbed my supa scope telefoto camera [aka my cell phone] and snapped some picturaz...




No, it wasn't a flock of demonz dragging an elephant to hell, and no, it wasn't the apocalypse. It was just somebody's (unnecessarily large) house decked to the fuzzing hallz wiff Xtinamas lightz! From the pained bramblez where he laid, David barked about how these hoz pimp out their casa like this each year. I ventured as close to the house as I could wiffout my skin frying like bacon (derriciouz!) and snapped anotha pic to highlight how incredibly redic the whole thing is...

It's like an electro lady-gingerbread land! And get this, the house has mothereffing Christmas carols screeching outta of itz gob. Blinding and noisy! It's so glamtastico that I don't even think Rhonetta and her sparkle-bootz could handle its chaos! After I puked up mah entire life and fetched a crying David out of the bush, we made our way to the hospital and got him an eye transplant (but don't mention it to him, he's still touchy about the whole incident. Drama queen!).

Yesterday, while I was reflecting on the wonder I had beheld and savored the fact that I was lazzzy smart enough to avoid the hell of taking down burning inferno Xmas decorations by not putting them up in the first place, I found a post on a blog called Mental_Floss about other crazzzy kookoo nutz holiday house get-upz. CHECK IT OUT...I personally like the one of the guy clinging onto the roof for dear life...

Kidz: "What are we getting for Christmas this year Mommy?"
Mom: "Your father's impending death via hanging up those fucking retarded lights."


14 comments:

Polt said...

You shoulda waited until next week to post this and made it your first Monday Muse of 2010...albeit without a video. but still....

Glad to hear David can see again.

HUGS...

Tam said...

Holy shit. That is something to behold. The kidlet and I watched a few shows on Bravo or some such nonsense about "extreme house decorators" (who would put your simple example to shame). One guy had an electric bill in January of $4K. Yes, three zero's behind that. They start decorating in August. Craaaaazy. Some of them were so god awful as to be fantastico.

What I want to know why is a freaking moose pulling Santa's sleigh off the balcony?

Hope David's eyeballs are all better. I like the Ditto house. That's more my speed although even going to the work to spell it out seems rather labour intensive.

Ha: my word veri is "shina". Just like the lights said mansion.

David said...

Fortunately the hospital used a pair of Robert Downey Jr,'s spare eyeballs for the transplant, so Josh doesn't have to close his eyes to fantasize about some RDJ action.

Seriously, you can toast marshmallows just by standing next to this house. Airplanes flying into JFK use it as a landmark.

Jere Keys said...

My parent's neighbor has his whole front yard filled with inflatable Xmas stuff. There's an inflatable nativity scene, an inflatable snow globe filled with Disney characters posed as carolers, an inflatable Santa + sleigh + reindeer, an inflatable tree, and about a dozen inflatable candy canes. It doesn't burn your retinas, but it does look stupid.

Mel said...

I need to do a follow up post on the whole monkey tree debacle. It all came to an end last night.

goblinbox said...

I love unnecessary Xmas lightage. Yay!

Laurie said...

OMG!!!!

1)Was gonna send you "ditto house" but you have already 2)Was gonna comment about moose hanging off balcony but Tam did already 3)Was gonna say that, still, I love insane naivete, insane lack of foresight, and insane lack of taste of insane "unecessary lightage" (great expression goblinbox) people, but goblinbox did already.

You made me laugh for first time all week. Holidays sucked everything original out of me--hence lack of posts. I dunno what prob is. Figures you'd call me out J-O-S-H. Will get off my lazy a** with a post tomorrow cuz something mad cool (!) happened today. This hilarious post AND something else, that is.

Hope David is recovered ....

PS--curious now about monkey tree debacle.

Java said...

Yeah, that moose caught my attention, too. That's a freakishly frightening house. Glad both you and David survived.

Milo said...

Bloody hell that gingerbread house looks insane! Gaudiest thing I ever did see!

And loving the "orgasmic neon clusterfuck" description.

Happy New Year our kid!

Craig said...

Aw, I like the house. Looks perdy.

::runs and hides::

Ray Avito said...

Have mercy...assuming the houses next to this are either empty/foreclosed or patient like M.Theresa!

Beer bottle tree? Not so much...24 beer advent calendar? YES!!

Dorkys Ramos said...

Good God!! This is one of those things that hard as you try, you just can't turn away from. Corre before it sucks out your soul!!

Chris D. said...

That is pretty out there. The moose is quite an interesting detail. Perhaps they are Canadian. ;)

Anonymous said...

This very ill individual saw Chevy Chases' "Christmas Vacation" too many times!

-mom