Thursday, December 3, 2009

Bang! Bang!

Since mah last post about a traumatic happening in my life was such a hit (22 commentz!), I thought I would share anotha little tale wiff all you bloggy folkz about sumfing terrifying dat happened to my dopey azz while I was in college! Yay!

Now I went to The College of New Jersey in Ewing, NJ. It's prox fifteen minutez from Trenton and is plopped right down in a more or less residential area filled wiff little communities and neighborhoodz. En mi universidad, once you become a Junior, on-campus housing starts to become very limited. So therefore a large number of peepz will move into off-campus houses for their last two añoz at school. And dat's exacterz what I did.

What's even more surprising than the fact that I went to college (and graduated!) is the fact that I actually had friends that chose to live with mah maniacally hysterical existence in one of these said housez! Me and four friends moved into a cute little abode [feat. anxiety-provoking landlord] that was prox a three minute drive from campus. We went about our Junior year brilliantly. We all got along (more or less), had fun, got good grades and really got a taste for being on our own.

The summer rolled around and while all mah friends moved back to their parent's houses, I stayed in Ewing. My parents were relocating to a smaller casa with cheaper rent, so I wouldn't have a room to crash in when vacation time came around. So I moved the rest of mah crap into my college house and set it up as my perminent residence. And June ticked by and it was great! I could have rando whorez friendz ova whenever I wanted and I really got a feeling of being independently stable, both financially and emotionally.

Even though our landlord freaked me out wiff his occasionally unannounced visitz & his snappy punkazz attitude, the house was a pretty peaceful place. Our neighborz ignored us and we gladly ignored them. There was a disconcerting lot of peepz that lived in the house across the street though. They were always up mad late and for some reason they gave me the goosingbumpz. But I shrugged off such worriez and minded mah own beeswax.

Anywayz, the story really beginz about a week after the 4th of Julio. I was up in my room pretending to be butch and playin' Resident Evil 4. It was about one in the morning and I was goin' about shooting evil zombie douchez like it was nobody's business. Right during a massive showdown wiff some chainsaw-wielding crazy bitch, I heard a large bang outside my window...

...I paused the game and poked my nose outside the blinds. All I saw was a car peel away from in front of my sketchy neighbor's house across the street followed by the lights in the house all suddenly get turned on.

Now, seeing as how I am easily jarred and prone to becoming paralyzed wiff anxietiez, I have had to learn how to control my emotions and try and calm mah goofy butt down. To keep my sanity, I coerced my mind into believing that the large BANG I heard was just some silly little friend of my neighbor who had an extra firework from the festivities a week befo. This little story I conjured up actually kept me reasonably calm and even allowed me to get to sleep.

And I woke up feeling reasonably alright. I went outside to get into mah car so I could go and be miserable during mah double shift @ work...and what do I find??? The creepster neighbor house literally covered in caution tape...

And what did I do when I saw dis along wiff the two police carz parked right outside mah house? Ignored it, of course! I pumped mahself wiff such delusion that I even ended up fabricating a story to my co-workers about how noisy those fireworks were, just to further convince mahself that absolutely nuffin' scurrry happened and that everything was gonna be all fine 'n' danderz.

Then I got home and received a phone call from my one housemate who was @ her parent's house during the break. She told me that that her dad was reading the news and came across a breaking story about a shooting that took place @ the monster house across the street. Turnz out that the Bloodz lived across the street from us and the personaz who parked in front of my house and shot at them were the Cripz. "Um...WHAAAAT?!" is what I shouted @ her and when I was done cleaning the crap outta mah trouserz, we called our other housematez and set up a plan to break our lease and move out of the neighborhood.

[That is actually the house we lived in!]

Oh our landlord was pizzed off and tried to convince us to stay via adding new locks to the door and putting in security lights, but we kindly declined saying "FuCk NoOoO, bItCh! DeM LiGhTzzzz & loCkz aIn'T GonNa sToP deM BuLLetZ fRoM EntErIng OuR PRECIOUS sExxxxxxXy bOdiEz!" Then we packed our bagz and booked our azzez outta dat hellhouse.

Within three weekz, we found a new place in another neighborhood and lived there comfortably for our last year of college. The house was actually across the street from the New Jersey Department of Transportation, which I believe is not common ground for gang-related shootingz. Then I got mah diploma and moved in wiff Shawn where the closest thing I have to worry about endangering mah life are my cats' clawz desperately scratching for protection when I try to smother them wiff mah love and/or affection.


Anonymous said...

This reminds me of another friend we have who lost his/her rolling stock to the Bloods/Crypts

goblinbox said...

You know what's awesome about you? What's awesome about you is that you can write in your own little groovy but weirdly-spelled English-Spanish-baby talk patois and it's UTTERLY READABLE. You can totally tell a story with it (feat. a sense of engagement and with great detail) and I can just breeze right through it. I don't know how you pull it off, but I think it's way cool and might be a little jealous because, well, that's an awesome thing to have be awesome about you.

I have another friend who always comes up with the coolest nicknames for people. I can't do that, either.

Just sayin'.

Justin said...

Ah, chuckle. Nothing like a good yarn about being scared for one's very life for pure hilarity. You do have a knack for making your traumas entertaining :-)

& I second goblinbox's assessment. I wish I could write that well (and that badly) :-)

Laurie said...

Glad you didn't get shot!

Durn!! ...but cool story now.

Great story-telling & A+ on Visual Aids! You've got that going on to.

(Word verification is "Preck"!)

Michelle M. said...


Did your other two friends make it out of the hellhouse? I don't see them on the map.

Glad your goofy butt is not in the line of fire anymore.

Tam said...

Wow, yeah, gang neighborhoods = not good. I lived across the street from a sketchy biker bar once but no one ever got shot. Glad you got out with your life intact.

Polt said...

Bloods and Crips? Pffft, I deal with them on a daily basis. As well as MS-13, DMI, Latin Kings, BGF, etc.

...course, they generally don't have guns....

I agree with Golbinbox, josherzspeak is unusually, funny AND additive. damn it if I'm not subconsciously incorporating it into my vocabulary.

But don't discount the threat from the cats...Spawns of Satan one and all. :D


Justin said...

@Polt: verdad wif da catz! (Oh lord now I'm doing it). Anywayz:

Christina said...

awesome awesome post! im sorry you had to go through the shooting alone :( miss living w you :(


slaw mix!

Jasmine said...

I love it! I love you! Greatness!

Laura said...

where's the part where we're beautiful and dirty rich? Also come visit me in Camden so we can experimence the most dangerous city in america in all it's glory.

David said...

Yeeks. I don't think I could have slept another night in that place.

Good job on the delusional rationalizing, though. Keep practicing! ;-)

callonmevalerie said...

I second whoreface's comment! Where IS the part where it's money honey?

Ryan said...

I'm glad you were able to get out. I've definitely done the force yourself to accept the less scary explanation thing. Why worry when there is there is often little you can do?

goblinbox: All the choloz want to write like joshercopterz, but his brilliance is hard to match.

Michelle M.: I'm going to assume that they stayed to become Batman-like vigilantes.

that's J-O-S-H said...

GoblinBox: Give me anotha year and I'ma try & get a book deal for a dictionary and guide on how to write like a moron and someone be accepted for it.

Justin: Sure, I was laughing last night while writing this...but when it happened, dayum, I didn't sleep for a week! And lo siento, but gatoz are mi animales favoritas! You're a cruel person! Cat catapults are the reason for the teardrops on mah guitar!

Laurie: "Preck" = The way I would spell the best word to describe me.

Michelle: Yeah, but we don't talk about those two peepz anymore. Ha.

Tam: Biker bar?!? Did you make any rough 'n' tumbler friendz?

Polt: I would be soooooo exciterbiked if mah three catzzz would drag mah cholo bunz to hell!

Xtina: I miss living wiff you too! I want to live with you in Brooklez so we can get shot @ a second time!

Laura: I can't wait to be kidnapped by a druglord in Camderz! Then I'd be rescued by Taylor Swift and her magic guitar and I'd write a screenplay about the whole incident and win an Oscar! Yay!

David: You of all peepz should know how important deluding my crippling anxietiez wiff overly positive thoughts is to my life. They balance out to a rare state of rationality.

Val: Is that a GaGogglez lyric? Be prepared to have Enrico sass ur azz.

Ryan: "Why worry when there is there is often little you can do?" Will you be mah personal counselor? I won't pay you.

Justin said...

Laura: which Camden? I only know Camden, Maine, which is as white-bread as wonder bread & zoned for "quaint"

David: I'm all about delusional rationalizing, myself :-)

Josh: I only laughed at your post because you made it so funny. I felt bad for real-life Junior-year you and I wanted to give him hugs.

About les chats: I have lived with cats now for 13 years and have yet to catapult a single one, even though I'm allergic and they scratch my furniture. In fact, I keep paying for their food, kitty litter, drugz (catnip) and cat toys to keep them busy. Even my DOGS refuse to eat them no matter how many hints I've made. I think they know that "cat" is an awfully pointy food. ;-)

BOSSY said...

That was the best movie Bossy ever DIDN'T see. She laughed, she cried, she sat on the edge of her seat!

Ray Avito said...

What is with that catnip? I will never understand that stuff.

Gang warfare!! Is there a such thing as a war refugee? Josh as war refugee. I must get Chris Cuomo on this story. Hmmm, it seems the PBR lingers...

Nick said...

Ahhhaah I agreez you do hve quite the knack for making accasions oh horrorz quite entertaining.. Lolz. This Lil stry jar made ma evenings(no my weekend life)! Thnk goodnss u didn't get any bulletz in yo body. Bc thn I wldnt hve such a gr8 blg to reads!

Laura said...

Justin: There is only one Camden and that would be the consistently top ten most dangerous cities since 1998 and 2009's current champion: Camden, New Jersey. To suggest otherwise is to get your cracka whitebread ass murdered faster than you can say cholita eyebrows.

hoteltuesday said...

What you said to your landlord is hilarious! You're the 2nd best blogger, I swear. And this reminds me of that time we went to 711 and there was a car accident and I swore it was a gunshot and you were like 'STFU that was the sound of a car hitting another car' but I was still afraid of getting out of the car to buy cinnamon bun ice cream (that your housemates devoured).

Val: Keep that whore away from Josh's blog. Thanks.

Justin said...

Laura I bet you're right cuz I don't think I could say "cholita eyebrows" very fast at all. I just tried. :-/

Josh & Enrico -- you guys are so mean to Lady GaGogglez :-(

Josh: this morning the cat was very demanding and meowy and climbing up walls and furniture to get his extra treat of flesh (he always has a bowl of dry cat food but he's learned to expect true animal parts 3 times a day and he gets more and more demanding every day). He was so desperate for it unfortunately that I couldn't give him ALL the tuna (that was this morning's flesh) without ending up dumping some on his head cuz he was diving into the bowl too fast. The dogs got the extra bits I'm afraid.

Chris D. said...

I never thought about Ewing's proximity to Trenton before. I have been to Trenton a few times and I can appreciate the security implications. I am glad you were able to get out of that situation. Gangbangers sometimes get sloppy with their drive-bys.

I once had to break up a fight that spilled out of the house across the street from my parents house. They were drunk college kids having a party rather than gang members.