Thursday, December 31, 2009

¡Año Nuevo!

Here we are, my beautiful gringoz y cholaz! It's the last day of the decade. 2009 was gettin' to be sooOoOoOo funkey [feat. played-out], so I am tinking that it's a buena cosa that 2010 is about to pass out of Time's tired-azz uterus.

As I mentioned a few entriez ago, this year has been crazzzyskatez what wiff all the heartbreak and rediscovery and bloggy goodness and new friends and old friends and yadda yadda. I am looking forward to 2010 and hoping it brings a new batch of adventuraz and exciting endeavors for me to carelessly frolic into.

Everyone seems to create unrealistic resolutionz for themselves that they for usualz give up by the time they wake up January 1st wiff their first hangover of the year. So I ain't gonna play that shiz. Instead, let me just share some tingz that I will work towardz achieving during the next 365 dayz...

1. Have a book of poetry published and (somehow) become a hit, thus making me rich and respected in the literary world.

- read as: vigorously continue to work on my writing and try to put together the groundings of a manuscript.



2. Get a high-level jerb in the music publicity business that allotz me a six digit salary and friendshipz wiff all the cool celebz I obsess over.

- read as: buckle down and chisel away @ my resume and be proactive in securing a fulltime jerb of some kind that doesn't feat. serving tablez.



3. Become famous via an impressive run on American Idol, a sexxxy Rolling Stone cover shoot [feat. resulting controversy] and an Oscar-nominated performance in a dark dramedy that winz critical acclaim.

- read as: continue to do my silly singy song vidz, get myself into better shape [read as: more muscle definition] and maybe attempt getting on stage @ some point even if it's just karaoke.



4. Have Josh Is Trashy become the universal homepage for everyone en el mundo's web browser, providing me 48,329 million hitz a day and the self-validation I oh so desperately crave.

- read as: make this site even more entertaining and enjoyable for the truly lovely (and tasteful) readerz that make me feel like any of this crap I write is actually worth it.



As for 2009, well I had many fond memoriezzz (none of which I care to repeat, cuz let's be honest, if it was note-worthy, I blogged about it @ some point). Here is a quick look at what I kept mahself occupied wiff dis year:

What I Read This Year:



What I Listened to This Year:



What I Watched This Year:



Alrighty folkz, have fun greeting the New Year in whatever way you please. Personally, I really want to ring in 2010 serving rich peepz goat cheese tartz & monkfish and by golly it seems like Lady Luck is jizzing on me cuz that's exactly what I will be doing! Whatever your planz are, be safe (but not boring) and I'll see ya on the otha side. I leave you all now wiff Death Cab for Cutie's "The New Year"...

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Bright Lightz

[Have you voted for the final round of the Monday Muse of 2009 Showdown?!]

I had the fortunate opportunity of being able t0 spend last weekend wiff mah beau of sortz, David and it was quite a loverly time! Since he is much more prompt in blogging about our outingz togetha [feat. an actual post with actual information written coherently and intelligently], I think I will let him provide all you nosey folkz wiff da detailz. The reason I am posting is to highlight one specific thing that happened to Mr. Pasteeeeeeeelnick and I during our outing.

We had just gotten done wiff dinna and David wanted to show me around his neighborhood. We saw a bunch of rich Brooklyn peep housez that I will alwayz be too poor to live in and as we made our way around the third block of wall-2-wall mansionz, I saw sumfing glowing down the street...


"Is Ali Lohan around herre?! I smell Christmas magic!" I may or may not have shouted to no one. This mass of colorz and blinding lightz made me tink for a hot second that Deep Impact was for serial and that a blazing space boulder was crashing into the Earth. Then I realized that I was stoopid and progressed closer to this wonder.


As we walked further down the block, the snowmen on the frontlawnz began to look more and more dead [read as: melted] which I arbitrarily scientifically concluded was due to the heat emanating from the orgasmic neon clusterfuck just a few housez away. Luckily for me, I had special mega shield sunglasses, so I was able to approach the lightz wiffout my retinaz exploding. Unluckily for David, he didn't have said glasses and went blind almost immediately upon setting his peeperz on the glowing mass.

After I safely dumped poor David in a nearby bush, I went to investigate this monstrosity of wonder. I grabbed my supa scope telefoto camera [aka my cell phone] and snapped some picturaz...




No, it wasn't a flock of demonz dragging an elephant to hell, and no, it wasn't the apocalypse. It was just somebody's (unnecessarily large) house decked to the fuzzing hallz wiff Xtinamas lightz! From the pained bramblez where he laid, David barked about how these hoz pimp out their casa like this each year. I ventured as close to the house as I could wiffout my skin frying like bacon (derriciouz!) and snapped anotha pic to highlight how incredibly redic the whole thing is...

It's like an electro lady-gingerbread land! And get this, the house has mothereffing Christmas carols screeching outta of itz gob. Blinding and noisy! It's so glamtastico that I don't even think Rhonetta and her sparkle-bootz could handle its chaos! After I puked up mah entire life and fetched a crying David out of the bush, we made our way to the hospital and got him an eye transplant (but don't mention it to him, he's still touchy about the whole incident. Drama queen!).

Yesterday, while I was reflecting on the wonder I had beheld and savored the fact that I was lazzzy smart enough to avoid the hell of taking down burning inferno Xmas decorations by not putting them up in the first place, I found a post on a blog called Mental_Floss about other crazzzy kookoo nutz holiday house get-upz. CHECK IT OUT...I personally like the one of the guy clinging onto the roof for dear life...

Kidz: "What are we getting for Christmas this year Mommy?"
Mom: "Your father's impending death via hanging up those fucking retarded lights."


Monday, December 28, 2009

the Monday Muse of 2009!


Here we are, folkz. We've made it down to the final 2 musez. Both of these competitorz have fought hard to eat their way into your heartz and now they are ready for the final mega deluxe showdown. Though Ms. Deven Green seemed to have a lead early on in last week's poll, she fell behind come the weekend, leaving your facedown for the crown to be between...


These two competitors have received more votes than any other of the 2009 musez and they are ready to do battle for a permanent spot of glamor and fame [aka: I'll try and find a way to paste their mug somewhere] here at Josh Is Trashy! I know each has a devoted fanbase, so this promises to be a fight of epic proportions [read as: not really a big deal at all].

In a week's time, the Monday Muse of 2009 will be announced! Get your voting glovez on and....GO!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Cookies never lie!

A few weeks ago, I was spending some time wiff Mr. Pasteeeeeeeeelnick and we were hungerz so we decided to go to China and get some grub. Turnz out China takes longer than five minutez to get to from Brooklez so I got pissed and tired of walking. To chut me uh, David ordered us take-out and it was derrrrriciouz. But forget that! We all know that the best part of Chinese food is the fortune cookie fortune in the cookie. So after I smashed my stale faux-dessert into dust, I looked at what the Chinese gods [read as: food distributorz] had in store for me...


At first I was depressed cuz it didn't mention anything about the Lamia coming to visit me in three days and drag my excited azz to hell, but then when I actually read over the fortune, I started to appreciate its message. [cue nostalgic reflecting on the year remembrance post]...

This year has been a (cliche!) roller coaster with several huge highs and quite a few small lows. It started wiff me gettin' mi corazon broken and the emotional cluserfuck that ensued within me afterwords. It hurt like a bitch and I cried for hours on end listening to really depressing music. In order to keep myself functioning in a semi-productive manner, I plunged into side projects and work.

My jerb in Nueva Nueva side-tracked my mind into learning the world of music publicity, while I spent mah tiempo libre focusing on Josh Is Trashy and changing its purpose from that of a self-loathing high school-era LiveJournal to sumfing to make me happy and dedicated to. A fun little escape, this blog has let me talk about the (dumbo, stoopid, fucktard) shet that I find entertaining and has allowed me to reach out to a modest audience of personaz. It's caused me to reconnect with a really good friend of mine, while also meeting a whole cast of colorful [read as: equally insane to myself] characterz that I look to on a regular basis now as a sort of entertaining support system.

I still constantly feel like I am goin' crazzzy. My anxieties are always racing and I am perpetually expecting a straight jacket to be slung around my emaciated torso at any second, but through all this chaos and bull to da shit I've been able to pick my crying ass up off the ground and create a person that sucks just a little bit less than the person I was 365 days ago.

This isn't going to be my last post of the year (I still need to do my End of the Year Supa Fiesta Media Splashdown Thunderclap Round-Up, of course!), but I thought it would be nice [aka oddly vulnerable] to share with you this little wink of reflection and to remind you of what we all already know...the Chinese know everything.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry XXXmas!

[Before we begin, I want to remind you to vote for the Monday Muse of 2009 Showdown! ]

[and yes...I know Link isn't actually an elf, you nerd festivalz!]

Hey ho ho hoz! I hope y'all are having a fantastico Navidad today and that you're getting everything you ask for. I am having a splendid time over at my family's house right now drinking lotz of booze egg nog and making fun of my siblingz singing Xmas carols. I doubt what I really want for Christmas [aka a full-time jerb or at least the hope & motivation to put forth the effort to find a full-time jerb] is chillin' out under the Christmas tree, but it ain't no thing but a chicken wing! I'm having a great time regardless and just wanted to wish you all the happiest and sloshiest of holidays. Oh! And tanx to those who were sweet enough (Jere, Michelle, Tam, Chris D., Polt, VUBOQ) to send me Xmas cardz!

Now as my supa generoso gift to you folkz, I thought I'd post my personal favorite holiday jam...ENJOY!



(Remember, Christmas magic makes things happen!)

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Morning Surprise!

So I wasn't planning on posting anymore before Xtina's Xmas tomorrow, but I woke up en la mañana today to find a pleasant little surprise being all sleepytime city on mah legz! So of course I grabbed my phone and recorded that shet, since how often do you wake up with not just one but TWO beautiful babiez on top of you?! Eff all the presentz tomorrow (not really), I've already gotten the best gift a day early! And since I am so generous (and smart and sensitive and attractive and humble) I decided to share wiff you da magik of my bubbaloooooz [aka my cats]. Please excuse mah early morning garbage eyes and sniffletastico voice.

Oh! And you all owe me $3.50 for each view. Sorry...times are hard and a boi needz to make a living somehow!






(and yes, Polt & Jere, we know you hate catz.)


Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Snow Sucks

I don't get it. It makes the roadz shetty. It's cold & slippery. It melts and makes the ground sloppy and sick. So why is everyone seem so chipper about the clouds bulimia vomming up all dis snow ova the weekend?! I counted roughly 15 peepz that I have spoken to that have not only been happy about the snowstorm of this past Saturday, but have been ecstatic for it! "It's pretty!" Who carez?! It's a pain in the nalgaz to deal with and I personally wanna donkey punch the hell outta Mother Nature to teach that slut to keep her dirrty white powder up her nose and not in my backyard.

"Damn Josh, someone woke up on the wrong side of David's bed today," is probably want you're thinking and I apologize. But lemmmmmmeeeeee essplain! Last Saturday night, I was told by the manager of the restaurant that I work at that I didn't need to come in for the dinner shift since reservations were decreasing due to the barrage of snow. So I spent the evening chillaxing by the fire wiff Shawn, listening to pop muzak and laughing @ the batch of videoz I'm preparing for Monday Muse 2010.

For those of you who don't already know, most Sundays I work a double shift at the restaurant. So I wake up at 9 the next morning to go scrap the snow off my car so I can get to work by 9:30. I get to the front door and hell to the no, there is over a foot of snow blocking everything in. Luckily [cuz I am smartz!] I parked my car at the bottom of our driveway, so I didn't have to go far to get onto the road. However...it did mean that I had to trek little under a quarter of a mile to get to mi coche. To prepare myself, I got on my finest pair of snowbootiez [aka wrapped plastic bags around my feet]:


They were a great help when I took my first step into the snowy fluff and found myself ankle deep in it. I then grumbled my way to my car. This is how far I had to walk...you can't even see my house from there!:


Then I found Shawn and I's poor cars freezing their tirez off at the mouth of our driveway [feat. blocked by a snowplow's huge snowdrift]:


After I cleaned off my entire car the front windshield and 4-wheel drove my car over the snow drift, I got to werk and was bored to death. Since peepz are smarter than me, then didn't even bother to leave their houses Sunday, so in turn I only had two tables. Booo! I'm poor! I got home at 2:30 and decided to be a good housemate and shovel away the heavenly debris off our driveway before I had to return to work at 6. Turnz out that I'm more ambitious than I thought I was. I worked nonstop from 2:30 t0 5:45 shoveling and even now, 2 days later, I am still feeling the burn. Luckily for me, my three beautiful babiez accompanied me on my manual labor death no-fun shovelathon...

Mowgli saying "Herro."


Baberz being pissed off like me and sulking around cuz of the snow.


Hermanita completely distracting me with her unbelievable beauty.


But after horaz of pain and with a demeanor so angry & seething that I could probz melt all the damn snow with my fire breath, I (more or less) finished shoveling the whole driveway!:


Yay! Kudoz me! So while I was working and driving on treacherous roadz and breaking all my bones via physical extremez, what were all you lazzzybonez up doing during the snowstorm? If you weren't on the east coast, you can still answer the question! I won't hate you! I'll just be obscenely jellerz that you didn't have to deal with this winter weather clusterfuck and harbor unfair resentment against you.

Monday, December 21, 2009

the Monday Muse of 2009!


With the closest race so far this waste of time competition, Victoria just barely edged out the 'Rejected' Cartoonz for a spot in last week's voting! I guess detrimental teen pregnancy has a lot more entertainment value than bleeding buttholez and animated violence.

Thingz are getting heated now, dearest bloggy slavez readerz! Welcome to the next round of the Monday Muse of 2009 Showdown Fiesta Deluxe Variety Hour! You all have diligently voted for the past five weeks for your favo musez and we are down to the winners of the weekly pollz! Vote for your favorite and who you tink deserves a slot in the final 2 dEaTh mAtCh next week!

So here we are folkz...get your deliberation sombreros on and VOTE VOTE VOTE!



To recap, let me quote some respected sources [read as: mah past blog entries] that discussed the validity and worth of these five fine finalistz!:

Deven Green - "...most hilarious person on the entire Earth...informatively brilliant...I will be personally offended if you don't crap your pantalonez while watching her."

the Kittenz Commentator
- "This glorious little cherub will be stealing Morgan Freeman's voiceover jerbz within the next five years...pure genius...I don't understand why someone hasn't given this little dahlin' her own book deal by now."

Steven the Beautiful
- "...gorge specimen of human perfection...My blog just got more attractive...Those pencil-tipped lashez are just the accent to highlight an already gorgeous puss."

Sharks - "...pretty effing rad...they eat people and rip off limbz and then are given their own fucking week on the Discovery Channel...Who needs $$$ for decent effects when you have remedial graphic design skills and a limitless amount of documentary B-role?!"

Victoria - "I wish more peepz were like this ambitious young woman ...a selfless martyr! Victoria is clearly the reincarnation of Mama Theresa...goddess among goddesses."

Campaign away folkz! Don't forget how vital this is to your lives! IT'S EVERYTHING TO YOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU!




Sunday, December 20, 2009

R.I.P. Brittany Murphy


In an attempt to prove that I'm not a completely calloused bitch and to pay my respects to an actress that I enjoyed, I thought that I would dedicate a quick little entry to the recently departed Brittany Murphy.

Sadly, grrrl passed away this morning due to cardiac arrest. I saw Girl, Interrupted a million yearz ago [aka when it first came out back in 2000] and I thought she was rather brillz, from what I remember. I also saw Sin City which I was surprised to really like. Oh! And since mi padre is a rather dedicated Eminem fan, mi familia y yo went to see 8 Mile together when it came out. Even though it was mildly violent and included an uncomfortably lengthy sex scene between Murphy and Em, it's still a fond memory for me.

It's really a shame that this happened, especially before the holidays and I really hope (though sadly think they are) that drugs aren't related to her death. Don't do crack or cocaine or heroin or any of that garbage. Who knows what it's laced with and it's proven to be for def def defferz terrible for your body!

Now I'ma leave you with Murphy's music video for her #1 dance single [feat. Paul Oakenfold], "Faster Kill Pussycat. Rest in peace Brittany. Tell Aaliyah I say "hi."

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Winter Lullabiez!

So according to everyone, the east coast is supposed to be buried under prox 24 feet of snow today. From what I can see though, it's only like an inch on the ground, but gozzip around town is that we're supposed to look like THIS come tomorrow morning. So I thought, what better way to keep all you Nueva Nueva, Dirrty Jerzeee & Washington D.C. peepz warm and cozy than to sing you all a tune or dos?!

But I have a special treat for you all! I didn't fly solo this time around. I gotz some musical accompaniment by one of mah favorite people in the world, Rhonetta Victoria MOM Enrico! I hope you enjoy our vocal emotingz and our [non]attemptz at harmony! Give us a year's time and we'll probably be at the top of the chartz, bigger than the person who won American Idol, selling more records than American Idol!

[P to da S: The wishfully funny pop-up comments are best viewed @ full screen on my YouTube page.]

"Tennessee" - The Wreckers



"Hey Stephen" - Taylor Swift


Friday, December 18, 2009

Ten Rando Tingz

I thought that for this next installment of 10 Rando Tinz that I'd take you back to a time when I wasn't the grungy lil sasspot I am today! Enjoy this spread of childhood remembrancez!


Here I am wiff my mommy & sisters [feat. aunt & uncle] @ a picnic. As you can tell, I'm mad pissed to be outside and not playing Super Mario Bros. 2. I probably wasn't terribly sad though, cuz that thermos on the table is most likely filled with pink lemerlade [aka my favo gourmet childhood beverage!].


I'm pretty sure I've posted this pic befo, but mah dad's 'stache is so effing ace that I needed to make sure it had more time in the limelight! Look how jacked he is here! And he's prox 43 in this pic! Tanx for the awesome metabolism Dad.

[P to da S: I am was such a lazzzy bonez that mi padre had to open up my burfday presentz for me.]


This is me thinking that I'm cute enough to pull off this fabulous look. Me? As a gift?! Ha!


Here are mah sisters looking adorable. There's mi madre lookin' fucking sexxxy in hot pink shortz. And then there's me...taking a constipated volcano dump.


Here I am being a dirrty lush. That beautiful baby @ my feet is one of mah three childhood kittenkatz, Sam (R.I.P.). Chances are that I worked myself into an exhausted coma by playing Crystalis for 8 horaz straight. Or there is vodka in my Crayola sip cup. Maybe Probably a combo of both.


I'm pretending to make Kentucky Fried Chicken apparently. Extra cripsy [read as: actually just sand]!


Eat a crotch, Lindsay Lohan! The [the fully loaded] Love Bug is MIIIIIIIIIINE! Why do I always look Asian when I smile? ¡Extraño!


I will bet $20 (not really) that in this picture I am putting on a reenactment of Phantom of the Opera wiff Barbie and/or She-Ra dollz. GAY!


This is moi down @ the Seaside Heights boardwalk on da Jerzeeeee shore. This is the picture that inspired my favorite singer the goddess of mi vida, P!nk's latest album cover. I lurrrve me some Alecia Beth Moore, but grrrl better fork ova da royalties for stealin' my idea!


And finally, here I am on the first day I was alive. Hellz yeah I'm rockin' a teddy bear pajama top! Now don't all you hoz who have insinuiated [or blatantly said] that you want to sexually defile me feel disgusterz lookin' at me when I was so young and innocent?! Shame on you dirrty pepawz!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Get ur hair did!


These always seem to be cop-out postz, but I can't help but share wiff all u folkz whenever I get my hairz cut. I know it's vain & only matterz to my own selfish azz, but whatevz!

When I was in high school, my hairz were mad long (serial...like shoulder-length). I went through college and experimented wiff several stylez (aka all variationz of the emo look). Mah post-collegiate ideaz of sexxxy hair weren't much better. I went through a phase where "hawt hair" = "slathering as much gel and mousse and putty onto my scalp as possible before driving with the windows down in my car." I looked like an electrified goose's ass.

Then, starting wiff my first hair cuttery post back in May, I realized that I look the most human when I just have a short little crop that I delicately massage wiff ONE kinda product. That's why today I farted mah rump on ova to SuperCuts (Don't knock it! It's cheap and the hairstylists lurrrrrve to gozzip!) and forked ova $14 buckaroonz and had a glorious makeover [not feat. Christina Aguilera]. So here we are bloggy fellowz y chicaz...the unexciting unveiling of mah new haircut doooo!

Here are my BEFORE glamor shotz...



And here are mah sexxxy (?) AFTER centerfold pix...



Monday, December 14, 2009

the Monday Muse of 2009!


[Before I begin, I want to wish one of mah supa best friendz, Enrico, a happy birfday! And what a better gift than to have one the things he is most thankful for up on the ballot for this week's showdown?!]


Here we are folkz! We've made it to the last semi-finalist round of the Monday Muse of 2009 Showdown! But to quickly recap last week...I couldn't predict any front-runner for the last round's competition. But violence is always the highest form of hilarity, so I should have known that Sharks would nom nom the rest of the competition up. The Mariah Carey Wannabeez were a close second, but the carnivorous fish had a meager two vote lead, swimming their hungerz azzes to victory!

Now we have our last five semi-finalists! Which one of these brilliants inspirationz will duke it out with Deven Green, the Kittenz Commentator, Steven the Beautiful and Sharks for a spot in the final two face-off?! It's your choice AMERICA! Check out deez hoz:

So now here are this week's artardz competitors. Think hard! Pressure!



Baby Num Numz - The haunter of mah childhood! Feed him ur votes or else he'll gobble your azz like stale Kraft cheezez!

Tyra Banks - The bearer of only the most exquisite giftz! She has the power to make your wiiiiiiildest dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaamzzzz cooooome to trooooooofz!

Jill & Family - They say curiosity killed da cat. Well, a young (handicapped) grrrlz' curiousity will make you piss yourself till you stain ur pantieeeez.

Victoria - A beautifully hopeful baby factory. She really is quite a heavenly vessel of life. She doesn't care what her mama sayz, she's gonna have a baby!

the 'Rejected' Cartoonz - A smorgasbord of brilliant confusion. Make sure you hold on tight to your silly hat and prepare for the end of the world! Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!


Okidokerskatez! Make sure your voice is heard! Who has chiseled the biggest home in your stone-cold heart?! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!!!!!!!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

When I first saw her, I said "Oh my, that's my dream."

[DID YOU VOTE FOR THIS WEEK'S MONDAY MUSE of 2009 SHOWDOWN?!]



I had this great recapping post ready to go [aka thought about it for 30 secondz] about mah trip to the Apollo on Wednesday to see "Dreamgirls," but then my date for the night, David stole mah idea and pimped it out on his own blog!


Booooo! Anywayz, it was a great show wiff brillz performances and an amazing production team who really brought to life the story and the set. However, the show is meant to merely serve as backdrop to the real reason I am writing dis entry: American Idol!

Back during season 7 of mah favo television show, there was this amazing contestant named Syesha Mercado. Mah BFFLz Enrico already wrote a post about how incrediskatez she was on the show, so just to quickie recap: She was the best, she looked good in sexxxy red dressez, the judgez didn't appreciate her like they should have and she put on one of the greatest Idol performances of all time. She got voted off in third place [aka robbed!] and I cried and Enrico cried and it was a sad day.

But fastforward to last Wednesday...it's prox an hour before I get to leave the office in Brooklez, and I decide to tweet about that night's upcoming festivities. Since I lurrrrrve Syesha, of course I follow her on da Twitter and of course I mentioned her...


Then I met up wiff David, had him force me to eat and then made our way to Apollo. I was scurrred for a hot second, cuz as soon as we stepped out into da streetz, some grrrl threatened to beat the shiz outta some dood who grabbed @ her and it was dramatic and intense and (once I was a safe-enough distance away) I thought it was fantastico! Then we ran into Apollo to join the masses of other gayz peepz who were waiting in line. We picked up our tix and I bugged-a-boo when I saw Syesha's name on the cast billboard:


After I got a heart transplant and was brought back to life, we got seated. David decided he wanted to take three hourz to use the bathroom, so I checked mah Twitter on my telefono to see if any of mah followerz got mad jellerz of me being @ the show. What I got was ten timez better:


That's from Syesha's page. "Um.......ummmm......UMMMMMMM?!?" That's what I started gazping and cryin' and when David finally came back, I punched him in the face wiff mah phone until he understood mah overwhelming excitement! I had been contacted by the goddess Syesha before, but to know that she was in the same building as me, tweeting to me, knowing darn well that my goofy azz was in the audience during the performance...it made me feel sPeCiAl and I didn't chut uh about it until the lightz dimmed and the show started.

As mentioned earlier, the show was incredz. I knew the story already since I was dangerously obsessed wiff da movie two yearz ago [aka durhz...JENNIFER HUDSON! aka American Idol contestants aka favo thing ever]. Everyone was superb and I loved noticing the differences between the staged version and the big screen version. Oh, and every time Supa Syesha danced out on stage [she played Deena Jones aka Beyoncé] I pinched David's arm/kicked him.

Then as I left, I tweeted about how perfect the entire performance was. It really was near flawless...the only ting that could have made it better would have been if along with the actress that played Effie White, they interchangeably brought out JHud, LaKisha Jones, Frenchie & Rhonetta to perform her different scenez.

David & I got our exhausted bunz on the subway and somehow made it back to Brooklyn wiffout falling asleep and missing our stop. And I quickly jumped on his computer befo we went to Sleep City...and what did I discover?!??? (I nearly died. Serial.)


For those who don't speak the language of Twitter, that basically meanz that Syesha took the post that I wrote about the show and reposted it on her official page!!!!!!!!1111!!111one!!!11

Aren't you so excited for me?! So now Syesha & I are basically best friendz and I'm planning our wedding [in my head]. Lovez her forevz!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Sing-Along 3some!

So I am currently freezing mah azz of in my house cuz for some reason, even wiff the heat on, dis damn place can't ever not be an icebox sitting in my house waiting for some computer technician to swing by and give my laptop a cooling fan transplant. The current fan keeps making a disconcerting whhhhhiiiirrrrrring sound whenever it revz up. Sony apparently is aware that laptops of my model number have a consistent problem wiff their fans, so they're sending some dood (or doodette) out here to do it for free!

But since I am waitin' for this persona to show up any minute, I'ma need to switch mah beautiful candy apple red lappy off in preparation. See you on the otherside! To hold you ova, here are three videoz of me washing mah dishez and singing like a goon:

"She Wolf" - Shakira




"3" - Britney Spears




"Come On Over Baby (All I Want Is You)" -
Christina Aguilera




Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Busy Fingaz


Last week, a friend/co-worker of mine named Sara posted sumfing quite innnnnneresting on mah FBook wall. Sara & I for usualz work suffer through the Sunday brunch shift togetha @ da restaurant and keep each other sane by picking a handful of rando pop songz to sing to each otha throughout the shift. When all of our tablez finally get the hint that we don't want them there and peace out, we turn off the borrring azz acoustic bullshit coffee house radio station and turn up the top 40 pop on the Sirius satellite radio. Then as we clean up, we dance around and sing loudly and ignore the screamz in the back as the kitchen staff threatenz us wiff pain if we don't chut uh.

Now you might be wondering, "What the shit does dis have to do wiff the sign language you have up above?" Well, fuck off and let me esssssplain! Last week, Sara and I did a particularly upsetting beautiful duet of Miley "Stripper Pole" Cyrus' "Party In the U.S.A." That following Tuesday, I check mah Facebook to see dat my dearest Sara had posted a video on my wall as an homage to our fantastico Sunday sing-along. Just watch and fall in lurrrve:



WHAAAAAAAAT?! Why didn't I major in sign language in college?! This is for def def defferz one of da coolest tingz I've seen in prox forevz and I totally jellerz of this cutie smartypantz (his name is Stephen Torrence) & his ability to make pop muzak even more fun that it already is. It is mah life's game to learn this entire routine and then fail to impress mah friends when I drunkenly butcher it @ a whore party. DREEEEAMZ! Mah favo parts are his expressive facial emotingz (look how excited he is for a Britney song to be on!) and the sign for the lyric "movin' mah hipz like yeah!" ADORABLE!

Well, I did some research [aka looked about YouTube for three minutez] and found that there are quite a few peepz that do this ASL "singing." I find it absolutely fascinating and am dead serial when I say that part of me wantz to learn my azz some sign language so I can mooch off of these other peepz' idea and post videos of me doing the exact same thing!

Check the videos below to see two other cool katz take on sexxxy pop jamz and succeed wiff flyin' colors. The guy in the first vid (Jeremy Neiderer) is enthusiastically dancin' along to "Waking Up In Vegas" by Katy Perry, while the video under that is of some hot piece (Michael DiMartino) doing Britney Spears' "Womanizer" [feat. scene changez and a naked torso]. Enjoy! I expect a copy of Sign Language for Dummies to be waiting in mah mailbox for me some time later this week so I too can communicate wiff those who are stricken con deafness make cheesetastico videoz and post them online!






Monday, December 7, 2009

the Monday Muse of 2009!


Dun dun dun! You can finally stop holding ur brefz, cuz round tres of the Monday Muse of 2009 Showdown is ova! While Chicken TV Dinner Factory & Pickle Surprise were gnawing @ each other's taintz, Steven the Beautiful was able to sneak on by and snag the nomination for the upcoming finalist race! You all tried to excuse his beauty, but ultimately you were unable to resist him & his crater face. Good jerb, Steven and try not to get sent back to Arizzzona just yet.

So now here are this week's artardz competitors. Study them vigorously & pick da one that speaks to you the most! Who inspirez you?! Who shall become the 2010 Jeebuz of Josh Is Trashy?!




King Curtis - Child tyrant prodigy who demands ur respect! Follow the rules of Team Having Fun (he's the leader!) and no one getz hurt [read as: no one gets sassy sticky notes].

Nannerpuss - He's reinventing breakfast! And guess what...he likez panca...::apocalypse::

Mariah Carey Wannabeez - A duo of unbelievable talent! Mariah better hope she getz an Oscar for Precious so she can start a serial acting career. Wiff deez two beautiez tulibudibudouchooing all ova da place, MC is for def def defferz gonna lose her pop princess crown.

Sharks - They gonna eat the shit outta ur livez! Whether you're in the ocean, up in the sky or are Samuel L. Jackson, you're a goner! YAY!


Come on folkz...who deserves a spot in the top 5 Monday Muses of the year?!


Saturday, December 5, 2009

And the nominees are...


In an hora, I'm heading out wiff my sister to visit mi otra hermana, but before I jet I thought I should make a brief commentary on this year's Grammy Awards. Since muzak is mah life's obsession and the one ting I lurrrve more than everything else en el mundo combined as well as what I spend three dayz a week workin' in, it can be imagined that I was waitin' with baited breath for the nominations to be announced on Wednesday. I was out wiff David, seeing a play he helped with (Orpheus X - intensely imaginative, devastatingly thought-provoking), when the nominationz were put up. I got a message from mah BFFLz Enrico telling me that "Sober" by the goddess of my existence, P!nk, scored a surprise ballot! So of course as soon as we left for dinna, I Googled that shit on mah phone!

AND YAY! For the first time in forevz...I am actually quite pleased wiff this year's selection. Of course Lady GaGogglez [feat. blatant & desperate fame-whoring] got a bajillion nominations and Beyoncé predictably got the highest number of potential statues, but some of mah favorite artists of the year also got nodz: P!nk, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, MGMT, Kelly Clarkson...while some artists that I have a special professional connection wiff also got a fair showing! YAY!

Congratz to everybody I like! Let's all be sure to keep our fingaz crossed for "Funhouse" to win Best Pop Vocal Album (and yes, I am the person who added "Grammy-nominated" to the first sentence on that Wiki page)!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Bang! Bang!

Since mah last post about a traumatic happening in my life was such a hit (22 commentz!), I thought I would share anotha little tale wiff all you bloggy folkz about sumfing terrifying dat happened to my dopey azz while I was in college! Yay!

Now I went to The College of New Jersey in Ewing, NJ. It's prox fifteen minutez from Trenton and is plopped right down in a more or less residential area filled wiff little communities and neighborhoodz. En mi universidad, once you become a Junior, on-campus housing starts to become very limited. So therefore a large number of peepz will move into off-campus houses for their last two añoz at school. And dat's exacterz what I did.

What's even more surprising than the fact that I went to college (and graduated!) is the fact that I actually had friends that chose to live with mah maniacally hysterical existence in one of these said housez! Me and four friends moved into a cute little abode [feat. anxiety-provoking landlord] that was prox a three minute drive from campus. We went about our Junior year brilliantly. We all got along (more or less), had fun, got good grades and really got a taste for being on our own.

The summer rolled around and while all mah friends moved back to their parent's houses, I stayed in Ewing. My parents were relocating to a smaller casa with cheaper rent, so I wouldn't have a room to crash in when vacation time came around. So I moved the rest of mah crap into my college house and set it up as my perminent residence. And June ticked by and it was great! I could have rando whorez friendz ova whenever I wanted and I really got a feeling of being independently stable, both financially and emotionally.

Even though our landlord freaked me out wiff his occasionally unannounced visitz & his snappy punkazz attitude, the house was a pretty peaceful place. Our neighborz ignored us and we gladly ignored them. There was a disconcerting lot of peepz that lived in the house across the street though. They were always up mad late and for some reason they gave me the goosingbumpz. But I shrugged off such worriez and minded mah own beeswax.

Anywayz, the story really beginz about a week after the 4th of Julio. I was up in my room pretending to be butch and playin' Resident Evil 4. It was about one in the morning and I was goin' about shooting evil zombie douchez like it was nobody's business. Right during a massive showdown wiff some chainsaw-wielding crazy bitch, I heard a large bang outside my window...


...I paused the game and poked my nose outside the blinds. All I saw was a car peel away from in front of my sketchy neighbor's house across the street followed by the lights in the house all suddenly get turned on.

Now, seeing as how I am easily jarred and prone to becoming paralyzed wiff anxietiez, I have had to learn how to control my emotions and try and calm mah goofy butt down. To keep my sanity, I coerced my mind into believing that the large BANG I heard was just some silly little friend of my neighbor who had an extra firework from the festivities a week befo. This little story I conjured up actually kept me reasonably calm and even allowed me to get to sleep.

And I woke up feeling reasonably alright. I went outside to get into mah car so I could go and be miserable during mah double shift @ work...and what do I find??? The creepster neighbor house literally covered in caution tape...



And what did I do when I saw dis along wiff the two police carz parked right outside mah house? Ignored it, of course! I pumped mahself wiff such delusion that I even ended up fabricating a story to my co-workers about how noisy those fireworks were, just to further convince mahself that absolutely nuffin' scurrry happened and that everything was gonna be all fine 'n' danderz.

Then I got home and received a phone call from my one housemate who was @ her parent's house during the break. She told me that that her dad was reading the news and came across a breaking story about a shooting that took place @ the monster house across the street. Turnz out that the Bloodz lived across the street from us and the personaz who parked in front of my house and shot at them were the Cripz. "Um...WHAAAAT?!" is what I shouted @ her and when I was done cleaning the crap outta mah trouserz, we called our other housematez and set up a plan to break our lease and move out of the neighborhood.

[That is actually the house we lived in!]

Oh our landlord was pizzed off and tried to convince us to stay via adding new locks to the door and putting in security lights, but we kindly declined saying "FuCk NoOoO, bItCh! DeM LiGhTzzzz & loCkz aIn'T GonNa sToP deM BuLLetZ fRoM EntErIng OuR PRECIOUS sExxxxxxXy bOdiEz!" Then we packed our bagz and booked our azzez outta dat hellhouse.


Within three weekz, we found a new place in another neighborhood and lived there comfortably for our last year of college. The house was actually across the street from the New Jersey Department of Transportation, which I believe is not common ground for gang-related shootingz. Then I got mah diploma and moved in wiff Shawn where the closest thing I have to worry about endangering mah life are my cats' clawz desperately scratching for protection when I try to smother them wiff mah love and/or affection.