Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Ten Rando Tingz

So I'm back with another installment of Ten Rando Tingz. Commuting to and from Nueva Nueva three diaz a week allots me many instancez to witness bizarre and picture-worthy situations. My camera-phone has been in overdrive lately trying to keep up with the constant barrage of weird shit I find mahself staring at each and every day. Here are some of the stranger cosas I've had the pleasure of experiencing in the past month or so:

Abused Boy on Bus Advertisement: Being as I am a commuter that must ride a bus for a total of over three hours each day I work in Brooklyn, I am routinely bombarded with absurd and highlarious advertz that are plastered to the sidez of public transportation vehicles. This geniuz example of publicity comic perfection alwayz putz a smile on mah puss. I'm guessing it's promoting some study about kids with tourettes/attention disorderz/some other fake crap people make up so they can feed their kids drugs. First off, blah blah...ADD...zzzz...snore...not real...chut uh...zzzz. Secondly, I wish this picture was actually a television commercial cuz I can only imagine the bust-a-gut situation that took place prior to that little brat making such a pathetically overacted facial expression. Hell, if/when I have a kid, if he/she are obnoxious assholez that make noise and shout rando trash @ strangaz then I will give mahself a pat on the back and a congratulations for raising a child in such a cookie cutter image of mahself. Don't condemn mayhem and chaos! Encourage it!


Bathroom Sign: I don't know why I find this so damn funny. Oh wait, yes I do...I was drunk as three skunkz when I saw it. After grabbing a few drankz wiff mah sister in the Port Authority bus terminal a few weeks ago, I went to make some lemalade at the restroom. This sign was plastered next to the door. Literally looking at the sign it seems that you're allowed to do only two things while in the bathroom:
1.
Stand next to crippled peepz; or
2.
Punch midgets.


Seahorse: This hand-crafted beautiful work of art is the only bit of decoration used to spice up the bathroom at the CVS pharmacy that's next to mah bus stop. So if my bladder is about to explode by the time my bus dropz might bloated azz off in central Jerzee, I know I can look forward to staring at this burn-victim sea animal while I whizzz away mah worries. I don't question its existance or its reason for adorning the bathroom wall. I simply enjoy.


Subway Safety Sign: Craig already pointed out the peculiarity of another subway precaution sign a few weekz ago, so I thought I'd share one that I found to be delightfully silly. Basically if you decide you want to cha-cha slide between the closing subway doorz, you will not only delay the train and everyone on it, but you will begin to bleed uncontrollably out of every pore until you start to look like you're completely coated in red paint. I tink that this is a viable precursor to being dragged to hell [read as: something I'm totez gonna try out tomorrow]!


The Creepiest Thing of All-Time: This poster is hanging up in mah friend Xtina's apartment in Brooklyn. It belongz to her roommate. Neither of us know what's goin' on. But even though it makes me feel as though mah eyeballz have been raped, I still think that it's a fine substitution for Adam Lambert's debut album cover.


Lackluster Advertising: There are roughly 7 to 8 eateries in mah little hometown outside of Princeton. And the number of restaurantz/pizza parlorz/coffee shoppez just keeps growing. The demand for all of these establishments is starting to dwindle, thus creating quite a heavy bit of competition amongst the restaurant entrepreanuers of the town. One of the places that is for def def defferz losing the battle of the food wars put this chalkboard up in front of their door last week. I lurrrve how they have basically accepted their failing defeat and have given up on even trying to compete. No daily specials listed. No sale promos. Not even "GOOD FOOD," or sumfing cheeky like that. Just an illogical "Yes!" But you wanna know sumfing? It's cuz of the pointlessness of this goofy-ass sign that I actually went into that store that day and bought a coffee. A small coffee, but still a coffee nevertheless.


Bus Stop Vandalism: As you can tell, my skills as a graffiti artist are quite stellar.


Thrift Store T-Shirt: Really? Oh yes, really. I was minding mah own business, attempting to scavenge through rack after rack of dirrty, musty clothes in some Indie NYC thrift store looking to find a plaid shirt for mah costume to wear on Helloween (I ended up wearing one I already owned) and then I come across dis. Seriously, is there anything anyone can really say about it? Anyone? Anyone?


"Murder With Puffins": Why yes, I was an English major el la universidad! How ever did you guess? Was it because I have a literary nose fine-tuned to such a delicate degree that I can smell the high-quality readz out of a stack of libros? Fellow bookworm Enrico joined me during a visit to the local Goodwill a few months ago. I forget the reason for our trip in the first place, largely because once we got to the "used book section" [read as: a broke-ass shelving unit wiff twenty raggedy paperbacks on it] my mind was ensnared and captivated by the single greatest title I have ever laid my eyes on. The Catcher In the Rye? Fuck off. To Kill a Mockingbird? Snoooore parade! In Cold Blood?! Go eat a dick! The winner is most definitely Murder with Puffins. Oh yes, the puffins are the weapon in this murder! Sadly I didn't have the 50 centz needed to purchase this surefire classic. Guess I will just have to wait until the box set (feat. fellow bestsellers Arson with Polar Bears and Petty Theft with Sea Otters) comez out and get all three for a bargain price down at the Pick 'N' Save.


Dick Chicken: I'm always saving da best for last. Xtina and I were going on a cute little straight couple date a few weeks ago [aka getting pizza and gossiping about sexxxy dudez after work] when we came across sumfing that caught my eye. As anyone who knowz me can inform you, there are few tingz in the world I lurrrve more than pizza. It could be raining beluga whalez who are vomming meteors at the Earth, and if I'm in the mood for pizza, ain't shit dat's gonna stop me from getting it! Well ladiez and choloz, the Dick Chicken [oh yeaaaah, it gets its name bolded already] stopped me dead in mah stupid trackz. I forgot about my ensuing pizza heaven and literally collapsed to the ground and fumbled wiff my camera-phone for three minutez trying to get the picture just right. I needed to get the highest quality photo I could, so that when I go to pick up the family poultry for this year's Tankzgivin', I can have an accurate picture to show the butcher at the supermarket. And if he scoffs @ mah request for a bird that is half chicken/half cock, well...I'm just gonna have to look that hater in the pupils and tell him that he can "suck it!" BEAUTIFUL.

16 comments:

goblinbox said...

What the HELL is that dick-chicken all about?!?!

goblinbox said...

I mean, why does that even exist? Is there no CONTEXT any more? WTF? The mind absolutely boggles.

Can I get it on a t-shirt, plz?

Jere Keys said...

I feel as though I could decorate my entire room in the church-turned-puntabugang-headquarters-party-house with the items featured in today's blog.

callonmevalerie said...

HAHAHAHAAHHAHAAH DICK CHICKEN HAHAAHHAHAHAHAH OMG HAHAHAAHHAAHHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAH HYPERVENTIALITING AND DYING HAHAHAAHHAHAAH i just wish the dick chicken were standing next to cripplez and punching midgets!

Ryan said...

I'm trying to figure out who would wear that shirt.

Michelle M. said...

I was compelled to look that book up on Amazon. Other titles by the author:
Murder with Peacocks
We'll Always have Parrots
Owls Well That Ends Well

Xtina's poster - weird, but I like it.

Ryan - me.

Tam said...

Your mind is truly a wondrous thing.

Is the string tied to that little dude's dick? One way to cure erectile dysfunction drug free.

The t-shirt = scarring small children for life.

I have a feeling Dick Chicken (should it be capitalized?) is going to be the next big thing.

David said...

Petty Theft With Sea Otters FTW!

Also, Michelle you crack me up.

Christina said...

Dickchicken is EVERYWHERE.

Pussyham has become its frequent side kick. Thankfully, I haven't seen any artistic renderings of that yet.

also... so honored a few of these pics were taken con moi! <3 miss u!

Milo said...

Inspiring and hilarious! I really ought to snap more day to day stuff like these. We have quite a lot of random stuff over here too.

john said...

For a while I considered taking pictures of bathroom graffiti, but it is all so talentless and repetitive, I gave up on the idea. I think pussy ham requires an image, maybe Melody can whip something up?

Michelle, will you for GOD'S sake start your own blog already?!? You can't keep that humor from the world.

I want to make a throw pillow out of that t-shirt.

Ray Avito said...

Odd sea horse creature...I need to get agent Olivia Dunham on the phone.

I can just imagine someone that worked in that cafe, wild eyed and delirious, screaming out "YES!"...driven mad by lack-of-customer induced boredom. "Cha-Cha Slide" *giggling*

Polt said...

Dick Chicken is wrong. You shouldn't play with you food...and who really wouldn't want to...try out the dickchicken before...trying the dickchicken...

I too want that on a t-shirt...although I really have no idea where i'd wear it.

HUGS...

hoteltuesday said...

Why didn't Murder with Puffins win the Pulitzer?! It was robbed.

At my restaurant job, I was always the one who had to write on the chalkboard since I was the most artistic person at my job. They always looked so nice! One time I drew a large black girl on the board so peepz would come in and try the Precious Burger.

word verification: pothero
.... >__<

Melody, Destroyer of Dreams said...

I can draw a pussyham. Just give me a few days.

Julia said...

please tell me you bought that shirt, and please tell me it's my christmas present.