Tuesday, November 17, 2009

So folkz, are you ready to order?

I work in a restaurant. You all should be aware of that, what wiff my occasional constant complaining about not being able to land a [non]food service jerb. The establishment I work at is fantastic and I have been there for seven and a half yearz now. Like a second family, my co-workers have seen my dopey azz grow up and have been a constant grounding force for my otherwise manic life. I say all of this because I don't want this following post to at all hint that I am anyting but appreciative for my jerb and how lucky I am to not want to kill the people I work wiff.

No, this post is more focused on a specific aspect of my experiences in serving tables. Each Sunday, I usually work a double shift. Brunch + Dinner shiftz = Me, a disgruntled, exhausted grumpster who wants nuffin' more than to crawl into my bed like a spider into a sleeping infant's mouf. Sunday brunch in partix is mad chaotic what wiff all the God-lovin' peepz who get outta services circa noon and wander aimlessly around town until they find their way into my restaurant.

Without fail, the Sunday morning shift is always brimming with throngs of especially demanding, hungry cholitoz who expect their food to take no longer than 5 minutez to cook who also become inexplicably agitated at the fact that I just might have other patrons to attend to occasionally. And in this midst of running and jabbering and OJing and breading, there are always the certain few customers that are oblivious to my pain (feat. suffering) and desire to make mah life a sad, sad hellhole each and every Sunday.

These are the top five most aggravating tingz I got asked last Sunday [aka the top five tingz that make me want to hurl mahself Sylvia Plath-style into the large bakery ovens]:

"Nuttin' ma'am. Absolutely everyting in this dump is absolutely dizzgusterz. Yes, I AM lying to you, but I am merely trying to expose the pointlessness of this question. The customer is alwayz right, so therefore every-fuzzing-thing you pester me about will be the greatest culinary creation ever to grace my tongue."

"Of course! I'd lurrrve for you to keep me preoccupied @ your table with your shopping list of allergiez/taste specificationz/dietary restrictionz while all mah other customerz grow more and more hateful of me [not you] by the minute! And please make your demands as confusing as possible so the chefz in the back hate me and so you can pick apart everyting that's wrong wiff your fancy-pancy order when I finally bring it out."

"Yes sir. It is quite hectic. Tanx for noticing, wasting my time taking the time to point out this obvious fact and doing nuffin' about it [aka be an easy-going patron]. I look forward to running lapz around your table only to have you leave me a 15% tip."

"No! A cappuccino is not an acceptable excuse for a dessert! Plus the machine never workz properly, it takez three yearz to get the foam to froth, the steam burnz the skin off of mis manos and then you're goin' to have the audacity to expect FREE refillz of coffee afterwardz. I don't care if you're not hungerz anymore, spend $9 and get the key lime cheesecake instead! No work for me + higher bill!"

::head explodez in fiery volcanic eruption::


Dave2 said...

I waited tables at a restaurant for seven weeks. During that time I quickly grew to appreciate just how astoundingly stupid people can be. And how cheap they can be. Which might have had something to do with my attitude from finding everybody to be astoundingly stupid.

Anyway... when the cook threatened to stab me with a knife, I knew it was time for a career change. It didn't seem to do much good, because I still have people threatening to stab me on a regular basis.

The only difference is that I no longer get free pie at the end of the day.

I should have never quit that restaurant job.

Mel said...

If I'd waited tables, who knows what levels of misanthropy I might have reached. I'd be like the Supreme Overlord of Misanthropes, except I wouldn't rule so much because then I'd have to deal with people.

David said...


David said...

A better version:


hoteltuesday said...

How cute. This entry is like a remix of this: http://tinyurl.com/ylf9jfs

Nathan V. said...

I do like to ask the waitstaff what is the best items on the menu, because they're more likely to have a good opinion then I do. This sometimes backfires because sometimes they are jerks (like you Josh!!!) and just tell me that anything is good. Is it so unreasonable to expect your server to know what items are best on the menu?

Ryan said...

Dave2: I was going to say "At least I don't have to worry about getting stabbed," but then I remembered someone was stabbed where I work this summer(she's okay).

At least I don't have to deal with a constant stream of new people trying to be clever and failing.

Ryan said...

Also: People with napkins stuck up their noses shouldn't correct people's pronunciation.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Dave: I've never been threatened to be stabbed wiff a cuchillo, however, I've had a busgrrrl run into me holding a mess of sharp steak knives facing out towards me! ScaryTime U.S.A.!!!

Mel: Dealing wiff peepz = suxxxorskatez

E. Copterz: I never saw that entry! You and I are kindred spirits (not like we didn't know that the second we found out the other was also obsessed with "Hotel Paper")!

Nathan: I am not a jerk, Mr. SassyPantz. I've been a server for close to eight yearz and I am damn nice to mah customers. And it is usually never an act! I like what I do...it's just during the middle of a chaotically busy shift, the last ting I want to do is have a table ask me my opinion on every single goddamn item. Speaking candidly, everyone's tastes are different. The restaurant I work at is mad upscale and fantastic (if I do say so myself), so all the items are high-quality. But everyone has different tastes, so what's derriciouz to me (aka not feat. mushroomz) might not be derriciouz to others. This entry was supposed to be a tiredazz server venting on the little tingz that bug him...not an assault on all mah customerz.

Michelle M. said...

I think the idiotic questions/requests are just a ploy to spend more time in your presence.

emcitychris said...

The goat god prevents me from being a server because the restaurant that employed me would quickly go out of business from all the dead patrons piling up after I waited on them.

Yay I AM the king of the run on sentence!

Stabby stabby stabby kisses!

Tam said...

When I was younger the idea of touching plates with people's leftover food on it gave me the heebie jeebies so I managed to avoid a food service career. Instead I worked in child care. Yeah, like changing shitty diapers is a step up. Ack! What was I thinking?

I tend to be a big tipper unless my server is a total dud because I know it's a tough job.

Word Veri: lingr - something else that probably drives you crazy on a busy day in the restaurant.

Laurie said...

Hey Josh .....found you from Bossy ...thought your ten-word dealio over there was funny ....now I see you're jus' effen hilarious .....never knew, will never order cappuchino again.


Polt said...

Never worked in food service, thank God. Did work at Domino's, but that was only in delivery. And I worked retail at a bookstore, so i know the type of idiot patron you're referring to..although their idiot questions were different.

I, like Tam (my soul sister) usually tip well, since I lived off tips when I was delivering pizza. Unless of course the waiter is a total dud. Which obviosuly, you totally are not.

But I bet if you actually wore that cowboy hat from the 2nd photo, and struck similar poses all the time, you'd get a helluva lot higher tips. At least from the cougars and gay men at the tables. :)


john said...

I worked at a Friendly's for a few years crossing high school/college. It sucked. You are right, people are stupid and cheap. I think "pee-cahn" would have made me lose my mind.

Julia said...

ahhh i love this post! while down here getting my education on i considered taking a few restaurant gigs and quickly talked myself out of it because i knew you wouldn't be working there so i didn't see the point. and it's funny how if you never worked in the food industry you really have no idea what its like. customers piss me off more than they should. i'm not a people person, but i will reclaim my post as most sarcastic waitress ever during winter break

bingo girl said...

This is so funny and entertaining! I'm sorry I'm not laughing how your day went,.. I'm not mocking! Well, you're really creative in your posts!

Rachel P said...

Oh my god! I feel so nostalgic for the b-moon! I have so fewer "stupid people" stories nowadays. Yeah, customers are a bummer. I'm also very fond of the ones who sit there and chat your ear off while the rest of the restaurant is standing on their chairs, waving napkins, throwing wine glasses at your head to get your attention. Ah, good times.

Chris D, said...

It is interesting to hear the war stories of a waiter. I have never worked in that position myself. My sister was a waitress, and she had some horror stories. There was also lots of complaining about her back and feet.

I don't think I have ever tipped poorly, even when service was suboptimal. I know there are many cogs in the machinery of culinary experience. I don't like to punish a server just because the restaurant is busy, or because their manager is bad an ensuring things run smoothly. I tend to tip well because I appreciate the difficulty of the job.

One friend of mine would not be one of your favorite customers. He always asks the server if certain dishes are good. He also has involved dietary restrictions. He will also ask for meals to be altered based on what he is in the mood for and request unlisted semi-complicated mixed drinks. On top of that he likes to chat with the servers. I have encouraged him to streamline his food ordering process, but I think he just have different views. He is a big extrovert, and I tend to be more of an introvert.

I ate at Enrico's restaurant, and wanted to stop by yours sometime, but I am not sure when I will be in your neck of the woods. :(

that's J-O-S-H said...

Michelle: Yeah, you're probably right. I mean, for serial, who wouldn't want to be subjected to my repeated eye rolls and glottal groanz while they decide which salad to get?

Tam: I absolutely lurrrve when peepz feel a need to come into brunch and hang around so long that I end up not being able to take a break between mah shifts. I love not having fun!

Laurie: Oh dear...what have I started!? You can order all the cappuccinos you want! Just preferably not from me and most definitely not on a Sunday.

Polt: Now if only gay men would come into the restaurant. Sigh...usually mah clientele is largely a conglomerate of grumpster old business men and precious old housewives.

John: Tankfully, my restaurant is privately owned. I lurrrve it there and can't imagine working at a chain place.

Julia: YAY! I can't wait for you to return and so we can hate everyone together.

Bingo: I might be creative enough to write dis crap, but you have a keen enough sense to be here reading it. ;)

Rachel: Yeah...I also lurrrve da customerz that come in and interrupt us while we're trying to have a poignant [read as: senseless] convesation in Brendad Ickson quotes!

Chris D: No no no! I love chatterboxxxing wiff mis patrones...I just hate when I'm a busy bee and a million peepz wanna ask me if the razzleberry vinaigrette is "good." JUST GET IT & CHUT UH!

callonmevalerie said...

I love when people ask what's good. I always pick one entree a day and convince them that it's my favorite. Blatant lying is the best. Unfortunately, I do think everything is good, so . . . sucks.

I need to loan you Waiter Rant. You'll die.

(HAHAHAHA word verification: guild. Lollipop guild!)