Thursday, November 5, 2009

And I don't even like the cello...

I know I am slightly stealing a page outta mah dearest friend Enrico's blog, but it was because of a recent entry of his that I am inspired to share an awkward situation that took place when I was a little tot. It was about 13 yearz ago when I was prox 10 years old. I was a quiet little gringo [hard to believe, I know] that usually kept to himself. I was [and still am] incredibly sensitivo and I cried all the time for basically no reason. But still, I was me and that's all I could be!

One autumn, mi madre and her brother were kabitzing about an old friend of theirs from prox a million yearz ago and how he lives in Colorado but was visiting the East Coast later that month. They got in contact with him and set up a rendezvous where they could catch-up and gossip on timez gone by and reminiscent and all that old person crap.

Well a few weekz later, their friend came to visit and he met my entire familia. Being that I was only ten, I didn't really pay much attention to his existence and instead watched Baywatch in mah room wiff my sister for most of his visit. Though when my mom forced me to interact with him, I talked about the only thing I really knew to discuss with adults, and that's school. I distinctly remember making up some stuff I had been learning in my classes and that's when he took note of the cello that was gathering cobwebs in my bedroom.

Back story: From 5th grade to my senior year in high school, I was a member of the Hopewell Valley Regional School District's orchestra. Out of no less than 8 cellists, I never progressed passed the second to last chair. I sucked and admit that I stayed in the orchestra for only two reasonz:
1. It was an easy A.
2. Each year we'd go on mildly amusing trips to places like Boston, Orlando and Six Flags: Great Adventure.

But when it came down to my talents @ cello-playing...well, let's just say that Lindsay Lohan's vocal abilities rival my skills at that cursed instrument.

Wellz, he started asking me questions about my aspirations and I was all lyke "the cello's okay, I guess," tinking that mah blatant disregard for everything he was asking me would make it abundantly clear that I don't really care for the orchestra at all. Then he went back to talk about borrring stuff wiff my parents and I was able to get back to the TV just in time to catch Supermarket Sweep.

Flash forward two dayz. I was in my room being too cool [read as: lame] to be bothered with trivial things like "friendz" when I heard a knock at the door. I was all alone since my parents were at work and my sisters actually had lives, so I ran to see who was disturbing my [non] life. It was the cello-dude. He asked me if I was alone and I stupidly was all like, "Yeah. So?" and he was all lyke "Oh, do you want to go get ice cream with me?"

In my head I was lyke, "You stupid asshole, can't you tell that I'm busy trying to score 120 stars in Super Mario 64?! Plus, you're mega creepy and I'm ten fuzzing years old." But since I was shy and scared of speaking my mind, I prolly said sumfing like "mumble, mumble...I'm sick or sleepy...errr, mumble...cry...whine, mumble..." I eventually shut the door in his face and went back to saving Princess Toadstool's desperate whore-azz.

Then some monthz went by and I completely forgot that this dude even existed. My life had been progressing nicely [read as: I had beaten Mario 64 and had moved onto playing Diddy Kong Racing and Star Fox 64 religiously]. It was the holiday season and my familia received a Christmas card in the mail. I have tried to block this out of my mind due to how fucking bizarre it is, but the note scribbled in the card said sumfing along the linez of dis:

"Hey Pages! Just wanted to wish you all a happy holiday..."

Nice enough, right? Hold up, it gets for serial demented:

"I was thinking about Josh and was wondering if he'd want to come enroll at a cello camp out here in Colorado. He could stay with me while he was out here. We could go skiing and snowboarding and have a great time getting to know each other better..."

I'm ten years old. And who the fuck are you again? And just in case my sickeningly disinterested tone throughout our first and last 5-minute conversation wasn't a big enough hint, I DON'T EVEN LIKE THE CELLO. But then he ended the note saying...

"Take care Josh, hope to hear from you! Oh and P.S.: I've been working out!"

HUH?!??!?! What? And if my parentz weren't alarmed enough at the fact that this holiday card had turned into a weirdly obsessed love letter to their young son, there was a little drawing scribbled at the bottom of the note. I assume it's supposed to he or I having a GrEaT FuCkInG TiMe SnOwBoArDiNg out at his rape-ranch in Colorado...I shit you not...this is exactly what it looked like:

So yeah. My dad freaked out and called him and said some tingz I can't even write here on Josh Is Trashy. And tank Jeebuz for that, cuz we never heard from that anus brigade ever again. And while it was terrifying while it was happening, in retrospect, I feel bad for that perverto. If you gotz to get ur rockz off to prepubescent little boyz who look like aliens and try to seduce them via testicular manipulationz of stick figures, then you for serial must be one DESPSERATE CHOLO. Get a life, and not one that's at all near me.


Julia said...

hahaha i am sitting in my dorm (pissing everyone off) and screaming at how funny this post is. oh my you must have been a seductive little tot. doesn't surprise me.

Chris D. said...

As I was reading this post I was worried it would turn out worse than it did. Your disinterest may have saved you from a very bad experience. I am glad for that.

People like this guy are just not in touch with reality. It is good that your parents eventually picked up on his issues.

Thanks for sharing your story. I will be stealing Enrico's idea as well. My story is a little different. It is interesting that all three of our lives have been touched by inappropriate advances from others in our youth. It is sad that this is so common.

David said...

I must have been one ugly little boy. No one every tried to molest me. Boo hoo.

dcm said...

Good for your dad for putting that guy in his place. Reading this makes me want to jump in a time machine and rush to widdle Josherz' aid. My last boyfriend had serious molestation issues, and it just makes me want to protect everybody ever.

On a lighter note, imagine if you had played the flute!

Mel said...

*sigh* Nobody ever tried to molester me, either. Poor me and David.

goblinbox said...

1. Holy fucking shit did that even happen?!?

2. Who tries to pick up a 10-year-old via Christmas card?


4. Who thinks a 10-year-old is going to think giant balls on a stick figure is neato?


Jere Keys said...

Yes, yes, we all agree that creepy pedophile pervs are terrible. I want to hear more about that hot wood between your legs. My sisters played the cello, I played the viola. I was always a little jealous becuase they didn't have to explain what their instrument was to creepy old perv guys.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Julia: Hellz yeah I was sexxxerskatez! I've been practicing my whore-eyez and hussy-smile since back when I was in mah diaperz.

Chris D:'s scary as shiz how predatory and threatening people can be. But if he HAD tried to touch me, I know da homegrrrl inside of me would have cut his ass with my pair of plastic scissorz.

David: Considering the fact that you are in your 40s yet look like your 28, I assume that when you were 10, you actually still looked like a fetus. :)

DCM: I know, right? He would have said "I have a flute you can play." Then he would wink and I would VOM and pray to be dragged to hell ASAPerz!

Mel: Underage sexual abuse is really the highest form of flattery. It truly is.

GoblinBox: 1. Yes it did. I'm a sick fuck, but not even I would make up sumfing that rando!

2. Especially a Christmas card that is addressed to his parents.

3. Yeah..."working out" to me meant being pummeled to near-death during P.E. dodgeball [aka bane of mah adolescent existence].

4. I kept tinking to mahself, "where the hell is the p333333n?"

5. Once again...yes it did. Feel free to nurture my childhood wounds. Donations are accepted.

Jere: "Hot wood?!" Jere, this is not the time for sexxxy innuendoz! I. WAS. TEN.

Michelle M. said...

That happened to me too!! The playing an instrument for many years (never got past second violin) - not the attempted molestation. I do like ice cream, though...

Tam said...

I can't believe he had the nerve to put that in a family Christmas card. He must have been totally clueless and not very good at being a pedo. Sick.

I could tell my story but it hits closer to home than a stranger or remote family friend. Luckily it wasn't too extreme and I learned how to avoid it for the rest of my days. Or his days I guess.

Polt said...

Okay, I got the moral of the tale: Do NOT try to pick up Sassy josh using a cello or stick figure drawings.

Seriously, though, you'd expect most pedos to be a smidge more...oh I don't know, subversive? Subtle? Geez.

Hopefully you're not the only kid he tried and failed this with, and hopefully he's now living out his days in the care of the Colorado Department Of Corrections.


Polt said...

Ya know, I jsut reread what I wrote above, and I meant, I hope he failed with another kid, but because of that he got caught. I didn't want it to sound like I was just hoping he was trying to hit on other kids.

See, his kinda commenting is what I do prior to a cup of coffee at work. I should know better.


hoteltuesday said...

Yay! I was just talking about how glorious Supermarket Sweep is to my friends!! What a coincidence.
This guy was sooo obvious. Maybe this is why tu y yo don't have sex with strangers!

that's J-O-S-H said...

Michelle: Second violin?! You're talented! I was the 537th cello. FAIL.

Tam: Yeah...he was a lame pedo! Geebz...learn some tact, dickcheeze.

Polt: I hope he gets dragged to hell [not in the Hollywood good way].

E. Copterz: I lurrrved the giant novelty bonus point bottles of detergent and boxes of cereal!

FitzLikeaGlove said...

a.) on a serious note that's effing creepy AND disgusting.
b.) but if i knew you when you were 10, i'd probably be knocking at your door luring you to an ice cream shop so i could coax you into letting me play with your pre-pubescent balls.

goblinbox said...

Did somebody say balls?

meee said...

omg. i totally agree wit julia! but really? did he not tink dat ur rents would see dat letter?! ultimatly creeper. but a creeper w/ good taste. lolz.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Fitz: Do boiz even have pelotaz when they are ten?!?! I don't tink I grew genitalz till I was thirteen.

GoblinBox: Mmm! Yes pweaze!

Meee: Good taste? Psssh...I was a sick nasty nerd festival. And by "was" I of course I also mean "still am."

Ray Avito said...

!!!! **rendered comment-less**

FunWithGrindr said...

Holy shit, that's freakin' creepy as hell. Fortunately told in a hilarious way, otherwise it would unwittingly fall into the hands of a Lifetime Movie exec and be made into a cheesy movie starring one of the girls from "Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide" in their dramatic film debut (because they'd actually turn you into a girl named Trish, since, y'know, we can't have gay potential molestation on TV, only hetero potential molestation).

Dave S.

Christina said...

I CANT BELIEVE YOU HAVENT TOLD ME THIS STORY BEFORE!!! this is scary but also hilarious because that guy sounds like such a loser.

the balls picture? gold. cant believe this ACTUALLY happened to you.

Sharon Tharp said...

LMAO. seriously, could not stop laughing. and that sounds horrible bc imagine what could have happened! (shivers)...i wonder what colorado mental facility this dude is in now.

Justin said...

I only just discovered this post through your link at your newer post at I couldn't stop laughing (because you wrote it that way) but omg thank GOD he was so stupidly obvious and I hope to hell he didn't try it again with some other boy with better skills.

How horrible! :-(